Ever hear of the
Walk Away Wife Syndrome? It's who you have become and is really quite common for women when their husbands ignore, minimize, become aggressive if not violent, and generally make enemies of their wife. That's what prompted Master of Social Work and relationship therapist Micheel Weiner-Davis to coin "Walk Away Wife" - it really is a syndrome.
Usually, the wife spends a lot of time trying to get her husband to be the kind of man/husband she needs him to be. After years of going unheard and unsuccessful, she finally feels drained, unloved and not cared about, and then gives up. And he's shocked to learn that she was unhappy despite her numerous attempts to tell him.
The difference in what you're telling us though is that you haven't expressed yourself to him. I understand your reasons for not talking about it but because of that, your husband genuinely is surprised. Even though he employed his various tactics of shutting you down, you were also responsible for the marriage. He's conflict-avoidant, and you didn't stand up and make yourself heard. So it seems like you failed him as much as he failed you. And this is also a syndrome. We women tend to expect men to read our minds, which is the reason it surprises you that he only thought you were angry about something....for the past year. You expect him to know the problem is deeper than that, but it's unfair to expect him to know. You can't conjure a man in your head who knows your thoughts, how you feel, and why you think and feel that way and then compare him to the man you married. They are not one in the same.
As a woman, I know how you feel. It all should be so obvious - his thoughtlessness, his disrespect, his carelessness, and so on. He should know what he's done to you. He should know how he has hurt you. He should know why you're angry and resentful. But believe him when he says he doesn't know because he doesn't. Steve Harvey spent a lot of years through his books and his daytime TV show trying to help women understand men and trying to help men understand their role as husbands. To quote Steve Harvey "Men are stupid" (maybe he said "dumb" and maybe he said both at different times since he said it so often). What you need to understand is that the phrase "men are from mars and women are from venus" (by a different author) obviously isn't a literal statement but is very true in terms of our differences. Your husband is the typical husband (again a syndrome since it is so common), and you are the typical wife (also a syndrome since wives typically expect their husband to read their mind). You're both so typical that even if you had been expressing yourself to him, I really expect the end result would be the same. You would still be the walk-away wife now.
But there remains that tidbit of doubt since you never told him. Your silence means there's nothing wrong. Do you get that? That's the part you are responsible for. That's the part you have to own up to, rather than tearing him apart with the weight of full responsibility for the destruction of the marriage and doing last-minute cartwheels and backward flip flops to save it. You've dumped it all on his head, but you owe him the confession of your own failure. And you have to do so without thinking your reasons for not talking to him outweigh the fact that you didn't talk. The one thing that could have/might have made all the difference in the world is yours to regret.
So you need to relieve that man of this heavy burden you placed on his shoulders. Aside from you taking responsibility for your own part in the breakdown of your marriage, another fact is that he can't possibly live up to what he has started. There's no way he can maintain this persona of Mr. Perfect Husband status forever. Every man in his shoes does this routine when they learn they have something to lose for their actions and behavior. Breakup and divorce come as a shock and scares people, so they cry boatloads of tears, beg for another chance, do everything they know they should have been doing, and make all kinds of promises they're never going to keep in order to prove they can change, but that normally lasts between 3 weeks and 3 months. The point is, it never lasts. And right now, he has a little more time for good behavior since you agreed not to do anything until after New Years. So you probably have until around March for the expected return of Mr. Undesirable. That silly promise to never go fishing again will soon turn into "Honey, Bob asked me to go fishing with him next Saturday. You mind if I go?" Getting your permission isn't the same as breaking his promise. You're not supposed to know that. And then, if you say no, he will extol his wonderfulness to show how devoted he's been and now deserves some guy time. It will never end because, like all the others, it was an unrealistic promise to begin with.
Your therapist was right about finding a male counselor so your husband doesn't feel ganged up on, but there also exists the problem of some therapists, male and female, harboring an agenda. As much as men feel ganged up on with a female therapist, I've also heard of male therapists making women feel they can't be right about anything and their feelings are unfounded as if it's all just her imagination or she's wrong to expect her husband to act like a husband. While it is perfectly normal to point out each party's shortcomings and each person's contribution to the breakdown of their marriage as I have done here, it's not okay for either party to feel ganged up on or to feel like they have no right to their feelings. It's hard to find a good therapist and not uncommon for a couple to go through a few before they find a good fit. So I suggest your criteria not be limited to insurance acceptance but to also interview several before choosing. Find out their position on the specific problems you're having and how they approach the two parties when addressing those specific problems in helping them to overcome. And then pray your choice works out well for your marriage and your mental health remains intact. LOL
Honestly, before going to a therapist, I suggest you tackle this yourselves. With the right tools, the right frame of mind, and honest/devoted effort, you can both learn to become a better husband and better wife and have a better marriage. There are numerous articles and books on the internet and many therapists, such as Michele Weiner-Davis at Divorce Busting that I linked above, also offer telephone coaching though I don't know if they accept insurance. My favorite website is MarriageBuilders.com because Dr. Harley offers books, podcasts, and telephone coaching like many others, but he also offers his site full of very helpful articles absolutely free, and his articles address practically everything under the sun. He doesn't have anything specific to the walk-away wife (that was Weiner-Davis' phrase), but his articles are relevant and aimed at addressing those same types of problems between husbands and wives. Like I said, it's all so typical. I like to call his website the do-it-yourself marriage counseling site because everything a couple needs is right there. His book "His Needs, Her Needs" is very popular and people say it is helpful.
This is what I suggest:
First, decide if you want the marriage and want to participate in saving it. If you do, then you have to soften your heart and apologize to your husband for your own contribution and be willing to forgive him for his. You don't have to dismiss his actions or behavior, but let him know you expect him to listen when you need to express yourself. There are articles to help you learn how to complain and articles to help him learn how to listen, and the first thing he needs to hear is that you expect him to actively participate in repairing - and then maintaining - your marriage.
The article suggestions to follow are a great way for the two of you to spend quality time together. But whether you read them together or separately, I suggest reading them in order as listed below, and they have to be scheduled (and required) reading - only one or two per week. At the end of each week, schedule a time for you both to sit down together and discuss the article(s) you read that week and how you will incorporate the principles and concepts into your daily lives. Then the following week, review progress with open and honest discussion. Refrain from criticizing but don't be afraid to express any displeasure. You will each learn you can always do better and should strive to do so.
1. You both read
How To Create Your Own Plan to Resolve Conflicts And Restore Love
2. You both read
Peace And Good Will: Essential For Effective Conflict Resolution
3. You both read
The Policy of Joint Agreement
4. You both read
How To Negotiate When No One Wants To Raise The Issue
4. You both read
Why Women Leave Men
In this article and a couple others, Dr. Harley mentions learning that neglect is the number reason that women file for divorce. This article will help you both to understand why you arrived at wanting a divorce and help you both overcome those types of problems.
5. You read
How To Complain In Marriage
6. Your husband read
How To Make Your Wife Happy
7. You both read
The Policy of Undivided Attention
8. Move on now to you both reading Dr. Harley's
Basic Concepts and follow the order of articles in the right side ribbon. Also, do any questionnaires that the articles provide. Discuss your answers in your weekly review sessions.
There should be some major changes going on in your marriage after this program. If, however, after months of reading these articles and applying their concepts (or not applying them) you don't observe satisfactory progress and find yourselves still in need of marriage counseling, Dr. Harley offers some tips in selecting a therapist for your needs in his article
How to Find A Good Marriage Counselor. Truly though, if his site doesn't work for you, I really don't know how a counselor can because the site contains everything that a counselor should offer but not all of them do.