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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Okay, so that probably sounds a bit overdramatic to say "at last" but it is kind of a relieved sentiment!

For those who don't know my back story, I came on here, what, a couple of years ago with a couple of issues. One being that my then OH (other half) was scrimping on the affection, the other that he was stringing me along with the promise of getting married.

I THEN started posting about a mild EA he had with a girl at work. I was devastated really. In hindsight he actually cut it off before it got too far, but it still did a fair bit of damage to us at a time when we should have been really happy as we'd not long had a baby. I'd felt I had done a lot to not be a frumpy mum and keep up our relationship so it was a double blow there.

Now? Things are better. MUCH better. I genuinely think a lot of this has come from ME changing. I've read, and read more. Been my own most harshest critic. Done some deep introspection. It is true that people react differently to you when YOU act differently. So hubz by association has changed. He is a lot more open to reflection and even apology when I have not asked for it nor expected it. I read Awareness by Anthony de Mello and it helped greatly to think that people are inherently selfish and made me aware of my expectations and feelings around whether they were fulfilled or not and how I reacted to that.

I have become a lot more decisive, and less "afraid" to say what I think instead of sugar-coating my words. This has been a REALLY difficult thing to do because I have always been a "nice girl"... and the change is liberating. I should give hubz a lot more credit really as it has shown his great quality of not bearing a grudge, he takes the information, processes it and moves on where I thought he'd be angry.

We are also prioritising our couple time. This is something I always wanted to do, but hubz was never so big on it.

The other, probably most important change was that I scaled back on what I was giving, a la the Emotional Thermostat :D This was something I'd attempted previously but never really upheld. This time I understand better the dynamics behind it and why I was doing it. Firstly it made me incredibly aware of how much I WAS doing, with the covert contract that he would reciprocate in kind. It gave me space to relax and not constantly analyse what he was giving back.

Secondly I feel free now to give just because I can. Not because I want something back from him, but because I want to. If I don't want to, I just don't, and I don't worry about how it makes me look to him - which I constantly did.

So things are a lot better, and looking to get much better. I have started small steps towards getting back to work on the career plan I made and this has REALLY helped also.

So, here's to the future. Cheers!
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Thanks guys.

Things ARE good, but I know they can be better. I really haven't done everything I want to do yet. I started approaching things differently and working on the inner "me" if that makes sense. My everyday interactions, perspective and particularly how I was coming across to him.

I also understand more now about not taking things personally, which I was TERRIBLE at before. I thought his bad mood or his tiredness, things like that, were personal slights directed at me. I am working at deflecting it more, or diffusing with humour. It is certainly easier to avert what would have previously been something that turned inadvertently into an argument.

Sometimes I don't KNOW what to say. So I just tune him out. Can't get it right all the time but hey, I'm getting there!
 
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