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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hello everyone.

I think my wife has cheated on me. It came to me completely out of the blue, I was paying our verizon bill and saw about 1000 messages with a particular number. I asked her if she was texting anyone and received lies in response. Afterwards I looked up this number through some services online and found out that it was some guy. I confronted her the second time on this issue and asked her to show me the messages if she has nothing to hide and if he is just friend to her. The thing that hurts is that she lied the first time I asked her...

I also know that they went out for lunch a couple times and she never picked up her phone during the time she was out for lunch with this guy. She did tell me about that after the fact, that she went out with him.

I told her like a million times if there is nothing to hide from why do you hide your texts, lock your phones and etc... I do admit I went a little head over the heels with this and might be a little possessive.

So I think I have done something I should not have, I did snoop her sky conversation with this guy and emails. And oh man! She does call him babe and he calls her bonita... her signatures in emails are "your bonita". I did confront her on this one, I could not hold it back...... and she said that they were just emotional friends and that it is nothing for her.... I also saw in one of the emails that she is trying to let him go. The guy tells her that she loves her.... Never saw anything about love from my wife though..... never saw anything about sex either... just that they guy said that she gave him some moments that he wanted all his life. But I can believe that this level of communication can exist without some kind of intimacy. She swears that she never crossed this line and gets pretty defensive about it, something among this line - "how could you ever think I would do this! I am not a hoe"

I just can't believe it. It hurts so much right now! I feel so betrayed... I am freaking ready to die for this women on any day and this is what I get back.... I just don't know what to do now. I asked her to stop any conversations with that guy if she wants to get our marriage out of this situation, she said she did but I know she did not(she thinks I am an idiot??). I lost all my sleep, I can't be productive anymore.... All I think about is this situation.... I really don't know how to recover now... I am thinking about just going away...
I just don't know what to do next...
 

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You wife is having what is called an emotional affair. At least it does not sound like it has gone physical yet.

The first step is that she has to write him a no contact letter and send it to him with you witnessing the send. If you search the internet you will find samples of what a no contact letter should have in it.

Does she work with this guy?

Is he married?
 

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If it isn't important, she can drop him....now. Because it is important to you.

But of course it's important to her...and make sure she acknowledges that fact.

My wife had to have SEVERAL talks to me about emotional affairs before I finally made some admissions.
 

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You wife is having what is called an emotional affair. At least it does not sound like it has gone physical yet.
They met for lunch.
His wife and this guy were physically meeting.
And she wouldn't answer her phone to OP whilst doing so.
 

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What is it your wife doesn't understand----married women do not go off and have lunch with single men

How do you know your wife didn't cheat, physically, with this guy when they had lunch----do you think she is gonna tell you----get your head out of the sand-------of course she is gonna deny anything happened---but you know what----as a married woman---SHE DOES NOT GO OUT AND HAVE LUNCH MULTIPLE TIMES WITH OTHER MEN-------that is the same as spitting on her vows, and spitting on the ring you gave her---or did she take the ring off, as she had lunch with her lover

She has absolutely NO REASON to be texting this guy---how many times in a monthe do you text your best friend----maybe 15 or 20 times----if there is something important, then maybe more---but 1000 times to anyone is way out of the norm----and if the other guy is throwing terms of endearment at your wife---she needs to stop, and stop YESTERDAY

You do not have to defend yourself----you are doing no more than protecting the mge, and your family--------

You tell her you know you cannot control what she does, but you certainly control what you do---and you tell her, she stops, or as far as you are concerned this mge, just may be over-------you WILL NOT PARTICIPATE IN A MGE WHERE SHE IS TALKING TO OTHER MEN

Set up your boundaries---and make sure they have actionable consequences----you can read the various threads here, and you will get an idea of what boundaries/consequences to set up

But one thing is for sure----this contact she has with her lover stops RIGHT NOW, ON ANY AND ALL LEVELS---OR YOUR MGE IS DONE------and make sure she knows/understands your feelings on the matter.
 

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This does not mean that they were absolutely having sex.
I agree. Some members here have never seen people meet without banging, but it happens. But I would not completely rule it out, either.

For me, just being at the lunch and making that time a priority while avoiding communication with the husband would be crossing a line. For others the line might be hugging, kissing, petting, oral, penetration. They could have done anything from nothing to a handshake to whatever the imagination allows.
 

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I agree. Some members here have never seen people meet without banging, but it happens. But I would not completely rule it out, either.

For me, just being at the lunch and making that time a priority while avoiding communication with the husband would be crossing a line. For others the line might be hugging, kissing, petting, oral, penetration. They could have done anything from nothing to a handshake to whatever the imagination allows.
:iagree:
 

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Originally Posted by marduk
I happened to be thinking today about the past year of my marriage. Everyone on these forums were so instrumental in my being in the great place I am today I thought I would post a note about where I was, where I am, and what I’ve learned.

A year ago my marriage was a mess. After 3 kids my stay at home wife spontaneously decided to start going out with her girlfriends again, including a “girls trip” to Vegas. She started a crazy fitness routine, including marathon running and triathalons. She started leaving me at home with the kids 2-3 evenings a week. A rough summer. I was insecure, controlling, alone, and afraid.

Thanks in part to the folks on this forum, life is much better now. My wife only goes out with her friends maybe once a month, and the last time she did, she came home early, threw her arms around me, and told me she’s so happy she gets to come home to me. She goes to the gym maybe once or twice a week for an hour or so in the early evening. When she does leave on races out of town the whole family will go on a camping trip together so we can be there for her at the finish line. The stress level in the house is much lower, and our happiness and respect for each other is much higher. Are things perfect? No – we still fight, have conflict, and disagree. But they’re shorter-lived, not has hostile, and just plain don’t seem to hurt so much. What’s changed? Me. Here’s what I learned:

1. Let her go. You can fight, hold her back, be controlling… and you’ll just look petty, insecure, and weak. Be cool, act secure, give her a kiss and say “have fun.” If she’s going to cheat or leave, she’s going to cheat or leave. It’s better if it happens sooner rather than later in my book. A marriage is a choice, a decision that’s made one day at a time. You’re in or out. This was really, really hard. But I've learned that nothing lasts forever, life is change. We can grow together or apart. I can't force her to decide to want to be with me.

2. Set boundaries, and then stick to them. I found in my marriage that it wasn’t ok to say “I don’t want you to do that” but it was ok to say “would you be ok with me doing that?” And then hold her to it. 9 times out of 10 the behaviour would go away on its own if I stuck to it. For example: if it was ok for her to be gone 2-3 nights a week so would I. After a couple of weeks she was dying to sit on the couch and watch a movie after we spent the evening with the kids together. Conversely, if it's within your boundaries, be cool with it. I started to let her off the hook for minor annoyances a lot more which cooled the stress levels.

3. Be ok with losing her. Seriously. After one of our last bad fights before things got better, I reconciled myself to thinking this might be it. The end of our marriage and little family. I thought out how things would be living on my own, sharing custody of the kids, etc. And as tough as it would be, made peace with it. It wouldn’t kill me, it wouldn’t kill my kids. Very negative experience and one I’d like to avoid at all costs, but we would survive. This changed my attitude and clinginess significantly… and to be blunt scared the hell out of my wife. Just last month she told me “I think you’d be more ok without me than I’d be without you.” And for our marriage, that balance of neediness works. I think it’s an alpha male thing, not sure but it seems to work.

4. Do my own thing. I’m out at least once or twice a week doing martial arts, yoga, weights, cross-fit, trail running, hanging with buddies… you name it. Gives me perspective and gives my wife time to miss me. And I’m in kick ass shape compared to last year, and now instead of me worrying about my wife getting hit on I’m having to deal with having her be upset because other women check me out when we go out. I’m going on a weekend martial arts training camp… and my wife couldn’t say a word after going to Vegas last year. Another thing: I make sure I either do something fun with the kids when she goes out (she’ll have to decide if it’s more important to miss out on family fun or friend fun) or I have fun while she’s out. Even something stupid like a scotch and cigar in the back yard when the kids go to bed so I can kick back and listen to the complete lack of complaining about the cigar stink. Ahh…

5. Be a father to our children. Not just “quality” time but real time. Conversations, walks in the park, helping with homework, taking them to soccer, etc. all seemed to help big time. Not just with my wife, but with all of us. And I also found my “father voice,” the voice of discipline and reason in the family. My kids listen to me a lot more, not in fear, but they know they have to listen. Now my wife comes to me when the kids don’t listen to her, not the other way around.

6. Get some buddies. Guys need close guy friends to do guy stuff. Complain about their wives. Be stupid and macho. Whatever that means to you, it worked wonders for me.

7. Fight different. Walk away rather than blow up. Mean what you say and stand up to it. For example, if I threaten that if she keeps doing x that means I'll do y, then I bloody well do y if she does x. This had two effects: I thought about what I said more, and so did my wife. I think my wife has a need to be able to hold me at my word, even if that’s a bad thing. Not sure why. Using few words in a fight, slowly and quietly while looking her directly in the eye seems to also work. Once it’s said, don’t repeat it. It is what it is.

8. Act from a place of strength. I don’t think my wife wants a weakling. She may say that she’ll want me to be more intimate, vulnerable, etc… I think that’s actually BS. Or at least that she doesn’t mean weak or actually vulnerable. If you have flaws or weaknesses either accept it and move on or fix it. I don’t let my wife try to fix my flaws any more. If she brings something up and tries to fix it I’ll ask her to mind her own business (gently). Not a behaviour that impacts her, those I’ll always try to listen to her on. But I don't let her judge me or try to live up to her expectations any more. I define myself, I don't let her do that for me.

9. Be decisive. Again I think this is an alpha male thing. Make plans. I planned a few date nights, and didn’t ask what she wanted to do. Instead I planned stuff I thought might be fun for us, and asked if she was having a good time. She was, especially if it was stuff she didn’t normally like to do (one time we went to a tattoo expo – I have one small tattoo and she has none – but got us out of our element and we had a blast!) Now if she asks me “what do you want to do” I answer with what I want. Works in bed too – I just made sure she felt comfortable in saying “no.” Don’t bully, be decisive and adaptable.

10. Know what I want from life. This is hard in today’s world. I had to pull my head out of my ass and figure out that I don’t want to sit on the couch every night and watch TV. So now I don’t. At least not every night.

11. Do more macho stuff. Fix something around the house. Dig a big hole in the back yard and plant a tree. Fixing her car, for example, seemed to turn a light bulb on in my wife’s head that reminded me that I’m a man and not one of her girlfriends.

So that’s my list. Hope it helps some of the guys out there. Your mileage may vary, and my marriage may still fail, but I’m in a much better spot in the past year than I have been in a long, long time.

Thanks for everything!

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You need todo the 180 now. She is just lying about evreything. Who told you he was single, cheaters lie about everything. You already know she lied about stopping contact.

Put a VAR in her car. If she doesn't let you see her texts and emails you know what she is doing.
 

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metluser, welcome to TAM.

First, STFU with your wife. You made the same mistake many of us made, which is confronting without any real proof. So now she knows you are on to her. Even if it was a bit of an emotional thrill which is now over, she knows it was wrong. It may have been more, but whatever it was it crossed the line and was some form of betrayal. That is why she lied.

So STFU and let her think things have calmed down for you.

Next, never ever reveal your sources of intel. If something is going on or was going on, she will hide it deeper underground making it harder for you to detect.

Third, install a bunch of intel gathering tech immediately. You need to know what the facts are of what you are dealing with. Put a voice activated recorder in her car. Put a keylogger on the home computer if she does anything on it. Consider something on her cell phone to capture her texts so you can see what she is sending and receiving. Review credit card bills and phone bills online to look for trends or anomalies. In just a couple of days you will have hard data on what is really going on.

It sounds like she maybe got a bit interested in this guy but backed off when he got more serious than she did. Perhaps she liked the flirty attention.

Let's assume that is all it is for now. This is your wake up call! Time to do 2 things. One is establish new specific ground rules. The other is to get on track to fix your marriage. New ground rules should be established using a constructive wording. You want to protect your marriage and you want to avoid even the appearance of outside relationships being questionable. Therefore you two establish transparency. You both have all passwords to all accounts. All email, cell phones, social media, and online financial and phone types of accounts. We in this house have a master list we both have a copy of. No locked devices such as phones or iPads. Second, you both agree to report any questionable advances by another person. If a woman makes an advance, you tell your wife. No deleting of messages. Ditto for her.

Fixing your marriage means telling her you value your marriage and you want to work on making the relationship stronger and better. Nobody is perfect so both of you can learn to be better partners. You can do self-help books like "5 Love Languages", "Getting the Love You Want", and "Passionate Marriage". You can go to a good marriage therapist.

If your marriage was getting stale and she was starting to look around, this event could be just the perfect thing to get you two back on track for a great marriage. Don't panic yet! But do get that intel tech in place pronto and monitor for a couple of days. Cool your conversations with her about being worried about this other guy. Give her enough rope to hang herself if she is out there cheating. If she's not cheating it will be beneficial for you to have cooled off and taken a more positive approach.
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
You wife is having what is called an emotional affair. At least it does not sound like it has gone physical yet.

The first step is that she has to write him a no contact letter and send it to him with you witnessing the send. If you search the internet you will find samples of what a no contact letter should have in it.

Does she work with this guy?

Is he married?
That is what I thought at first. And asked her to stop any communication if she wants to rebuild my trust. The fact is I know that she has not stopped it and now I don't know. I know about new skype accounts, new emails and etc... It is sad and funny I think she thinks I am a fool and can't see it....
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
Correct. It does NOT mean they had sex 100% guaranteed but it does mean 99% they did.
See, I think the same way after everything I saw.... but she will never admits no matter how I talk to her. Also she gets really defensive when I say that I think she might banged him. Something among the line -> I am not a hoe! are you crazy!.... and stops talking to me, because you see she wants to show me that I have offended her.
 

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See, I think the same way after everything I saw.... but she will never admits no matter how I talk to her. Also she gets really defensive when I say that I think she might banged him. Something among the line -> I am not a hoe! are you crazy!.... and stops talking to me, because you see she wants to show me that I have offended her.
You need to go hard core 180, she thinks you're stupid. She will never admit to anything you dont have solid proof off and if you keep telling her you know and telling her what you know she is going to take it farther underground.

If she asks if you think she' a hoe...UM YEAH!! You're teasing another man while you are married to me...thats pretty "HOEish"(if she honestly isnt having an affair with him, which I dont believe)!
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
How long married, kids?
1,5 years no kids... I do admit I was stressed out last 3-4 month. I drained my savings to buy a house and furnish it. And I admit that I did not give her as much attention and passionate sex as I used to during this months, but we all have ups and downs and we talked about it, and I thought we were working trough this.... But now this is just completely out of the line.

Right now she is trying to blame me. She says that I behaved the wrong way that I did not give her quite enough of romance and etc..
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
You need to go hard core 180, she thinks you're stupid. She will never admit to anything you dont have solid proof off and if you keep telling her you know and telling her what you know she is going to take it farther underground.

If she asks if you think she' a hoe...UM YEAH!! You're teasing another man while you are married to me...thats pretty "HOEish"(if she honestly isnt having an affair with him, which I dont believe)!
Sorry but what do you mean hard core 180?
 
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