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I love my wife, I love my wife, I love my wife BUT lately, I’m beginning to think her weight has become a problem for me. Let’s throw it out there…Yes; I’d still stay with her through all sickness and strife. She’s still the very attractive. She dresses well and keeps herself dressed and made up. I made those vows and honor them everyday but simple as I am, even I recognize the difference between love and lust.

Background: 5-7 years married, mid-30s, no kids, both currently employed, (although no job the last 10 months and part-time for three years prior to that for her ONLY). Both of us put on weight, but mine (due to my job reqs) is muscle and hers is the 50-60 lbs of the opposite since our wed date. When we started dating she was already a big woman, but very shapely. Her doctor appointments all seem to indicate she’s healthy except for the weight. But now it’s getting ridiculous. We don’t work out together (not my choice), but we go pretty regularly. We’re not health nuts but we support each other by cooking nutritious meals together. We do fun things together, we talk, I support her, etc…..so the social part of our marriage has not suffered, but I'm not optimistic it won't in the future if things don't change.

A few months ago, I started having ED problems. I’ve been to every medical doctors/specialist under the sun, with each saying I’ve got a clean bill of health and shouldn’t be having any physical problems. And no/NO, there has not been any problems masturbating….ever. I just can’t maintain an erection with the W.

I mentioned the employment background because during that period, I asked/suggested that she modify her workout plan to achieve better results. She was either reluctant to change or just didn’t. Essentially, I’ve told her what she’s doing is not working. Now she’s got a full time job and time to workout is a greater premium now. Not to cop out and say all men are visual, so she has to be skinnier for me to find her attractive. No, bump that! I’m a H that wants to be aroused by his wife and it’s not happening.

If I mention something about this, it’s GOING to cause big problems. I don’t know how to approach this. If anybody has a suggestion on how to discuss this, other steps to take for the future, or what your experiences have been, then I’m all ears.
 

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Don't tell her it's for exercise or to lose weight, just take her for walks and outings where there will be lots of walking. If you have a dog, it could be that the dog needs more exercise. Tell her you just want some romantic time alone with her without phones, TV, etc. She'll be losing weight and probably not even notice at first. Maybe she'd like biking, swimming, or maybe even a ballroom dance class. If it's made enjoyable for the both of you, you'll both probably make it a habit. A little exercise isn't going to hurt you or your ED problem and it'll help her drop some weight. Once the scales start moving in the right direction, she'll be even more excited about losing weight.
 

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Well, you know this is a powderkeg of an issue, and I doubt you may see too much in response other than to get over yourself.

But your post is drenching with honesty, and if this is going to cause resentment and sexual and emotional problems, then to make an attempt to work on the issue is indeed worthwhile.

Now in full disclosure, in my marriage my wife and I have a relationship that just this, if either she or I had a problem or concern with appearance, we would absolutely say so, but as well our relationship is indeed secure and structured just that way. We keep each other very much in check!

But I understand this is maybe not always the norm, so that is okay.

The best way to introduce change is to lead by example. Regardless of whether you are brad pitt meeting arnold swarzeggar, if you are wanting your woman to step up a bit, then you better be ready and willing and able to step it up so much the more yourself!

Also these things, a woman who is concerned with her appearance and her health is not looking to deliberately be doing things that are counterproductive. Work together to investigate what, besides mundane exercise which is simply not very exciting in and of itself, what could you and her do together, such as a sport or activity, that involves healthy movement and exercise but in and of itself is not the only purpose. Swimming, soccer, golf, hiking, these things are both exercies and activities, so look for these opportunities.

And above all, and this may be opposite of what you may be thinking, but do not fail to assume she is not noticing your lack of attraction to her. Really really really work on ways to express how much you desire her, and not just a thin version of her.

If she takes it to heart that you are not desiring her, this heaps on resentment and insecurity, which as we all are want to do as humans, often spirals us to lose motivation, and can easily resort to using food or television as an escape, which can often spiral down and down to even worse health decisions.

Instead, for a woman to be thinking she is desirable by a man that himself is desirable, is by FAR the best motivation for her to have the inner motivation to take it to the next level all by herself, from herself, and in the ways to be creative and sexy and improving her health and appearance all from her own motivation. This is the real goal!

And of course, this means for her to feel desired by a man that is himself desirable, again that means for you to get busy yourself!

I wish you well.
 

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If I mention something about this, it’s GOING to cause big problems.
Can you elaborate on this, please? What kind of big problems?

You believe she will be hurt by what you have to say? Or you believe saying it will throw her into a resentful rage, and she will punish you as a result of her displeasure?

Is your wife happy? I realize that is a subjective question. More precisely, is your wife aware of, and self-conscious about her appearance? Depressed?

Health and fitness advice is a lot like relationship advice, it's all over the map.

Personally, I always find it amazing what people think they know about fitness and weight loss - that is actually counterproductive.

What I don't know in your case, is whether or not your wife actually wants to make the change that you want her to make.

Your request is not uncommon. And as BBW pointed out, historically, the guy lamenting that his wife is literally becoming twice the woman she used to be, is either told he is insensitive and selfish, or to bend over backwards to AVOID telling his partner that she is no longer attractive due to her weight gain.

Here is the part that you should be perfectly clear on, there is absolutely nothing wrong with the feelings you are having. They are real and they make perfect sense. It doesn't make you 'shallow'. The bigger question becomes whether or not both of you value the relationship enough to address it.

The choice is ultimately hers as whether or not she wants to lose the weight. Whether she is binge eating on the side, or has a condition predisposing her to continue putting on weight is irrelevant. If you aren't attracted to your wife, it's a problem - and it needs to be addressed.
 

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I agree with Unbelievable. Do something active together that will take your mind off ED troubles and overweight stuff. Just to enjoy each other again. The spark will come back, and the troubles will melt away. If you don't have a dog, get one now...a bigger one that needs the exercise. There are sex positions you can try that actually works the muscles, but do that a bit later, when you're feeling connected again.
 

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Firstly, thank you for all the comments and those to follow. I really appreciate them.

Wolf: I will definitely offer renewed and other convincing attempts for her/us to try new things. While she is fairly active, she’s also set in her ways. She’s a black woman, so swimming and her hair (even with cap), it’s just not in the plan for us. ☺ Hiking….maybe. Dogs, I love em’, but since she didn’t grow up with one, then she definitely not growing old with one. I’m not nit-picking because I truly appreciate the suggestions. The thing is that she’s set in her ways. And please believe me, I’ve tried to go at her with different activities, with each either shot down or attempted with some or full resistance that repeating would be cause me to take up drinking full-time.

Still, I keep at it because its what she believes is my opinion of her that I most care about. Up until lately, it’s been genuine: I find her attractive. Of course and unfortunately, this has shifted.

By no means do I want a skinny W. As long as I’ve known her, she’s never been skinny and that’s fine by me. I just want her to lose some pounds right now.

Cub & Unbelievable: I’m having ED during sex with the W. There are no problems, nor have there ever been problems during masturbation. EVER.

Deejo: Problems?? I’m thinking she will resent me. I’ll get the resentment treatment even if I offer my most convincing explanation that she’s the only woman for me and still a very beautiful woman. The only thing she’ll probably hear is I don’t find the fat around the waist desirable. This of course, will translate into I’m married to an ogre. I don’t know how she’d punish me, but you can almost bet my last dollar that I’d hear about my forthrightness till death do us part. Every time I open a magazine or watch some music video or watch some TV program with Halle Berry, I’m going to get comments (so I guess, yes, I would get punished…forever).

The first hurdle is the initial explanation. The first cut is probably the deepest, so getting past that is going to suck. Not that I think anything too drastic will happen, I’m not naïve. We all know that if one husband doesn’t find his wife attractive, another does. Maybe binge eating. Maybe whatever. I don’t know. The previous was just me talking and taking the scenarios to the extreme. We have a good marriage so I’m pretty confident she wouldn’t cheat and we take care of each other to let binge eating/drinking happen.

My wife is happy. She’s keenly aware, as she often remarks, that ‘she’d like to lose some weight’. Her weekly trips to the gym shows she’s very aware and determined to lose the spare tire. The W has never been one to wear a moo-moo as the primary and secondary fashion apparel. She dresses very professional for work and can get provocative when she wants to. I think she has a very keen eye for fashion. These are some of the things I offer heaps of compliments. She’s busty and her height can conceal her shape.

Sometimes I think she not too committed to doing what it takes to successfully lose the weight. Not long ago, I committed myself to losing weight and requested she join my program at a percentage of the load. I was met with less than positive results in getting her to come along with me. This is with results in her face…sometimes in double digit losses or getting down to sub-15% body fat. This wasn’t an isolated incident, either. At various times in the past, either for work or personal sports activities, an exercise regimen was adopted and again, I’m flying solo. Yeah, she’s looking to lose weight. And yeah, she goes to the gym regularly, but like I said, what she’s doing isn’t working.

It’s good to read your comments on not shouldering the entire sense of guilt. And Lord knows I do value my marriage to see any problems addressed, whether for better or not. Even with the solutions you all raised, I still don’t know how, what to say or when to bring this up. I can’t even begin to know how to open the floodgates on this powder keg.

Protecting my wife will always be my main concern, but I should be able to be honest in my marriage. It’s probably not right that I lie to her regarding my ED. I’m telling her I don’t know what is or what could be wrong with me. Up until now, I’ve been suffering in silence with the knowledge that maybe she does have an idea of how I feel towards her weight. It hurts that I'm absent of any solutions on correct this w/o hurting her feelings. I’m not a braggart, but she’s aware of the many partners I’ve had prior to our marriage. Without any prior sexual problems, it hurts my pride as a man that it’s difficult for me to express that part of my love…especially, when this all stems in my mind, from her weight. It hurts even more to know she may already recognize this.

There’s been a lot of time for run various scenarios on opening up to the W. Maybe it’s my active imagination of what could happen once the emotions and feelings begin to pour out. Nothing positive has been envisioned from starting the process.

I’d be happy to take any suggestions on how to get started now.

Thx.
 

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FWIW, my wife and I try to be the best we can be for each other. We don't take it to a "fanatical" level, but the things we can change or keep the same we try too.

We know we'll all get wrinkles, possibly lose hair, stretch marks, etc, but we try to eat right, work out, dress decent, for each other.

She is within 10lbs of her wedding day and more muscular and I fluctuate from 5lbs-15lbs difference depending.

Wish you the best of luck change the things you can and accept the things you can't!!
 

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FWIW, my wife and I try to be the best we can be for each other. We don't take it to a "fanatical" level, but the things we can change or keep the same we try too.

We know we'll all get wrinkles, possibly lose hair, stretch marks, etc, but we try to eat right, work out, dress decent, for each other.

She is within 10lbs of her wedding day and more muscular and I fluctuate from 5lbs-15lbs difference depending.

Wish you the best of luck change the things you can and accept the things you can't!!
My husband and I are the same. My husband starts to have gray hair on his side. I start to have wrinkles when I have a big smile. But we always make sure that we look sexy for each other. I think it is difficult to lose weight after we have become overweight. Especially if we live in a place where everybody else is big. My husband always jokes that he is a rare one in his family, because most of his family members are heavy. If we are surrounded by them, the picture will be very funny. Just imagine two skinny poles surrounded by many big trees. My bra is C cup, so please don't feel sorry for my husband.

I had gained a few pounds after we got married. I felt uncomfortable. I couldn't wear anything sexy. If I put on something tight, I could see the rolls. My husband is evil, when we go out shopping for clothes, he likes me to buy tight jeans and tight shirts, and he loves to see my funny faces, then he would tell me that I would be able to wear them if I lose weight.

Now I am very careful with what I eat. I got myself in a habit of eating fruit when I am hungry at night. For meals, I stay away from greasy food, more vegetables and less meat. I stay away from cheese and bread too. I just stop eating things which would make me gain weight.

I have lost a lot of weight this year. I am back to my sexy twenties. I am very happy. I am able to wear tiny shorts this year. You know that this year tiny and short shorts are popular in Asia. My husband really likes to see me wearing those tiny shorts. He becomes quite aroused. Ha ha ha.....................

So willpower, willpower, if we really know that keeping fit is so important for us, not only good for our confidence, but also for our health. We will try whatever we can to stay slim.
 

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Here's an article on weight loss from Runners World:

Lessons on Weight Loss from Runner's World.com

Notice that exercise is not one of the top recommendations? Weight loss is all about what you put into your body. Exercise may actually add weight because muscle weighs more than fat. And yes, that muscle will look better and be in better places than fat, but eating is the key.

Make it about being healthy, not attractive.
 

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50-60lbs is enough weight to be honest about things. I would not mention ED due to her weight gain though. I would say you find her more attractive at a healthier weight and it's important to you. That amount of weight makes me think she might need therapy. Good luck with this!!!
 
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