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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I'm friends with a couple who have a two-year old girl and they've been having some issues.They argue quite a bit but always seem to recover and get along. We go out with them on occasion, and he really seems to care about her. Still, I don't know what goes on in their home. She's privately spoken to my wife about their problems. Anyway, she's an instructor at our gym and is in peak physical condition (she teaches a class my wife and I take) but recently told us she "wants to get a six-pack" so she signed-up for personal training. I asked who her trainer was going to be and she described as "male model" looking and began to blush a little. I didn't think too much of it because she's kind of a flirty individual.

Fast forward to last week and I'm walking to the gym at night. I pass a darkened alley-type walkway and see two figures over there but think nothing of it and stay on my way. Then I hear my name being called and she demonstrably says "Hello James!" I say hello and notice the guy coming out of the dark with her is her personal trainer. Looks shady to me so I say "hi" but I keep walking. She continues to talk to me then runs up beside me and I notice he kind of drops away and disappears. She's in a remarkably good mood and starts nervously chattering about nonsense to me. "Do you want to race me to the door? I run around this entire parking lot before class!" I'm thinking to myself "whaaaa?" So I say "you do?" "No, uhmmm, no." I definitely got the sense I may have caught them doing something (the walkway leads to a darkened parking lot...and she doesn't drive. She usually gets dropped off by her husband out front), and she was overcompensating. I say this because I accidentally caught two co-workers doing something similar and got the exact same reaction. To top it off, she's rarely that chatty with me. So we go in to her class and she proceeds to talk about her trainer to the group, and says really wants him and the other trainers to join a class, because she "could show them how it's done." She then explains she had "no time to warm up today so we'll have to warm up during class." Then, during the class I notice the trainer guy shows up and starts looking in the window with one of his trainer buddies, and they're both grinning ear-to-ear as they watch her lead the exercises. I've never seen either of them come up there before.

During the next class, she dressed quite a bit more provocatively than she has in a long time (said she "felt like dressing up today!"), and again mentioned the trainer to my wife. Even said she thought her husband should go to him. But I think that was all a smokescreen. She said she was really loving the personal training because "he knows me, he's my friend because I've been coming here for years, so I can tell him what I want to do and don't want to do." The previous week she didn't even know his first name.

I know this is all largely circumstantial evidence, but I trust my gut (as I always have, never lets me down) and my gut says something's going on. Question is, what do I do about this? I like the guy but am closer with the wife. Their daughter is adorable. I want to tell her to be careful with what she's doing -- potentially sacrificing marriage and her family for the type of guy who posts shirtless pics of himself on his Facebook page. If she wants a divorce, proceed with it, but don't go down this path. I think it's going to end in a disaster. I've tried to keep on my poker face but this kind of behavior, quite frankly, disgusts me. Not sure I can keep up the act or continue our friendship. Still, I don't want to be judgmental. Any advice would be appreciated.
 

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for starters you sound like a good friend

please educate yourself on infidelity (start by clicking the newbie link in my signature) and you can help your friend better IF he wants the help. Sometimes people will either "shoot the messenger" or simply bury their head in the sand so understand that it may her response and you as much as you want to help, she may not let you. You're his friend so you can't force him to do anything and it is always best to offer support rather than telling them what to do unless asked.

That said, I would approach your friend and let him know what happened and what you saw and how you can't be certain. I would also state that you think it would best for him to investigate without confronting first and if he can use keyloggers and gps and VAR's.

Hope things aren't as they seem, infidelity is a rough road
 

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Tough

Anonymous letter to the potentially unfaithful one telling her you know (don't go into detail as to give your identity away) and that she needs to either stop or divorce her husband

Leave it at that. If you still feel bad about it, send a tip to the hubby

I'd be glad for a heads up if it were me
 

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Unfortunately, this is one of those things where you're in trouble no matter what you do. You watch a family you care about fall apart, or you watch it fall apart AND have at least one person in the family as an enemy.

She's a big girl and she knows what she is doing is wrong but is doing it anyway. As a friend, you might be able to influence her by pointing out her selfishness or threatening to expose her, but it will create resentment and she will perceive it as criticism.

Going to her husband might or might not be worthwhile. He may not believe you.

And then there's the part of us that thinks, "But what if I could make a difference and didn't try?"

I'm brainstorming the things that I might do if I was in your shoes as I write these possible responses:

1. You could tell both of them that you're no longer comfortable spending time in her presence and refuse to give a reason. I used this tactic with a gal pal once when her husband put the moves on me in a subtle way that he could have made plausible excuses about. My friend was puzzled, but accepted my position. Later, when she discovered him cheating on her, she called me and asked if that was the reason I'd distanced myself. I explained that while he had not totally crossed a line, I hadn't wanted to take that chance or make it look like I was accusing him if I was wrong. Our friendship revived well after they separated.

2. You could "beat around the bush" and hint at wrongdoing on her part and hope the guy figures it out. The problem is that when he *does* figure it out, he'll be likely to blame you for not telling him.

3. You could tell him. Of course, he isn't going to want to believe it. The easiest way for him to cope is to discredit you.

4. You can confront her with a threat to expose her. She will dislike you for this, and will find a way to keep you away from her family. Her excuses to her husband will sound plausible and he will believe her, which will effectively end your friendship with both of them.

5. You can invite her or them to lunch or coffee and express your concerns that she must be unhappy in her marriage and ask what you can do to help her stay committed to her family instead of looking for solutions that can hurt her family. You can emphasize that you're not making any accusations, but you can see that there is a sexual tension between her and the trainer, and that it worries you. You can use this opportunity to remind her that her daughter's well being is more important than any adult's temporary unhappiness. This is probably the most constructive suggestion I can offer.

Hope you found something helpful in these ramblings.... !
 

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You could passive-aggressively do it...as in bring up while you guys are out to dinner with her and her husband - innocently mentioning her running around the parking lot with her instructor after. Maybe mention how grateful you are and her husband should be that her instructor was kind enough to wait with her in the alley for hubby to pick her up, and that maybe from now on it would be safer in front of the building. After all, of course it's all innocent, right? Why would you think otherwise?
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
I really appreciate the quick replies. I'm battling with this because if I were in the same situation, I sure as hell would like to know. But I know every person is different, and am pretty sure he would be crushed by this. I get the impression he is slightly jealous to begin with (she's quite a looker and he's a bit overweight and average). She's made comments from time-to-time he isn't attentive enough.

My instinct was/is to urge him to get more involved in her "workout" life. The thinking is, if he shows a commitment to the gym and an interest in her love of fitness, it might help bridge the gap between them. One of the best things I ever did was join my wife's gym and start working out with her. If he's there when she's training, it could serve two purposes by putting and end to what may be happening. Problem is, he usually watches their daughter when she hits the gym.

Maybe Kathy's option 5 is best, or a version of it. If I show her some concern about her home life and approach things in a vague manner (How are things going, is everything okay with you? You're acting a lot different), she may get the hint. I possibly caught her in a compromising position and she might get the hint and start do some much-needed soul searching.

I, again, think this is a disaster...the trainer guy, I believe, lives at home with his parents and is not the answer to her problems. He's just looking for a conquest and something to brag about to his buddies. If she gets caught, her life will be in utter turmoil.
 

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I'm new here, but thought I would weigh in as my wife and I have been in this situation a few times.

The first time we were in this position, we didn't "rat" the adulterous spouse out. It put us in a very uncomfortable place as we were all friends and we would all hang out together. My wife and I, as well as the other wife, all had this secret and it was just wrong to all be together (the 4 of us) and act like nothing was wrong. It finally came out after a few months (not from my wife or myself) and the husband also found out that my wife and I knew all along. He was very upset/angry (especially with me) and that pretty much ended the friendship with him. Since my wife and I were angry with the cheating wife, it ended that friendship also.

The next 2 times we found ourselves in similar postions, we immediately went to the other spouse and told them about the affair. As hard as is it to do, it's the right thing to do and by allowing the behavior to continue, in my opinion you are condoning it.

All of our (close) married friends (even our gay couple friends) know that if they decide to cheat on their spouse or SO, they better make sure my wife and I don't know about it, because we WILL go to their spouse and tell them. We make this known up front as we are getting to know a new couple so there will never be any surprise if it ever happens. i know this doesn't help your situation now, but I was just letting you know how strongly my wife I and feel about this subject.

All of that being said, you have no real proof there is an EA happening. I am sure the wife would deny any wrong doing if confronted and if anything, she would probably just get wise to the fact she may get outed and be more sneaky about it (if in fact there is anything going on).

It's never an easy spot to be in and not easy whatever choice you make.
 

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If I show her some concern about her home life and approach things in a vague manner (How are things going, is everything okay with you? You're acting a lot different), she may get the hint. I possibly caught her in a compromising position and she might get the hint and start do some much-needed soul searching.
I would encourage you not to be TOO vague as it will give her an easy out. You can say that you've noticed her seeming overly attracted to the trainer as the reason for your concern. It might just shock her into realizing that she's not managing things as well as she thinks she is, and that others are noticing.
 

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for starters you sound like a good friend

please educate yourself on infidelity (start by clicking the newbie link in my signature) and you can help your friend better IF he wants the help. Sometimes people will either "shoot the messenger" or simply bury their head in the sand so understand that it may her response and you as much as you want to help, she may not let you. You're his friend so you can't force him to do anything and it is always best to offer support rather than telling them what to do unless asked.

That said, I would approach your friend and let him know what happened and what you saw and how you can't be certain. I would also state that you think it would best for him to investigate without confronting first and if he can use keyloggers and gps and VAR's.

Hope things aren't as they seem, infidelity is a rough road
I agree. Since the she is confiding in your wife if I were you I would have a heart to heart talk with the husband.

Again we revisit this personal trainer thing at least once a month. Very dangerous to have an opposite sex PT. Even Elvis lost his wife to a karate instructor. It is so cliche. Years ago it was the tennis pro or golf instructor. A PT has even more physical access in the name of training. Lots of touching and lots of compliments and so on.

Anyway, yeah she is probably already in a full blown affair but perhaps only just starting. If she has a two year old she is likely trying to show herself she has still got it.
 

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I really appreciate the quick replies. I'm battling with this because if I were in the same situation, I sure as hell would like to know. But I know every person is different, and am pretty sure he would be crushed by this. I get the impression he is slightly jealous to begin with (she's quite a looker and he's a bit overweight and average). She's made comments from time-to-time he isn't attentive enough.

My instinct was/is to urge him to get more involved in her "workout" life. The thinking is, if he shows a commitment to the gym and an interest in her love of fitness, it might help bridge the gap between them. One of the best things I ever did was join my wife's gym and start working out with her. If he's there when she's training, it could serve two purposes by putting and end to what may be happening. Problem is, he usually watches their daughter when she hits the gym.

Maybe Kathy's option 5 is best, or a version of it. If I show her some concern about her home life and approach things in a vague manner (How are things going, is everything okay with you? You're acting a lot different), she may get the hint. I possibly caught her in a compromising position and she might get the hint and start do some much-needed soul searching.

I, again, think this is a disaster...the trainer guy, I believe, lives at home with his parents and is not the answer to her problems. He's just looking for a conquest and something to brag about to his buddies. If she gets caught, her life will be in utter turmoil.
When one is battling like this best to just take the high road. Tell him what you saw and encourage him to get involved ASAP. I would not worry about who believed me or any of the rest. Do the right thing. Who knows what he will tell you ....

If she is cheating you do not want her in your life anyways.
 

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I wrestled with this one over the years and found some clarity when I met a women who had been living with her ex BF for 8 years. He managed a large restaurant and so had to work late to close most nights. One day the woman noticed something that didnt look right "down there". She went to her GYN and learned that she had Herpes. She confronted her BF who confessed to having an affair. She turned to a few people she knew that worked at the restuarant and they let her know that he had had several affairs over the years. So the relationship ends, she has Herpes for the rest of her life and no one from the restuarant had the nerve, or cared enough, to tell her before it was too late. Knowing this person and hearing her story formed my opinion about these situations.
 

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I would encourage you not to be TOO vague as it will give her an easy out. You can say that you've noticed her seeming overly attracted to the trainer as the reason for your concern. It might just shock her into realizing that she's not managing things as well as she thinks she is, and that others are noticing.
IT also might make her think the OP is really interested in her and getting jealous of the attention and wants a piece of the action. Maybe he should mind his own business after all. It might get inappropriate paying too much attention to someone else's wife.
 

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I think you need to talk to husband in private and tell him what your gut is saying, because it sounds dead onto me.

She was obviously over compensating at having got caught.

Tel him, and tell him soon because if there is an affair, the sooner he tackles it the better.
 

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IT also might make her think the OP is really interested in her and getting jealous of the attention and wants a piece of the action. Maybe he should mind his own business after all. It might get inappropriate paying too much attention to someone else's wife.
I don't see this happening if he approaches in a reasonable manner. If anything, her running after him and chatting him up at the gym would be more aligned with this perception, but by calling her on her behavior I think she'd be more likely to get her guard up and *not* see him as appealing to her.
 

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What if the OP sent an anonymous letter to the husband via the mail? If he gave names and some typical patterns that he observed in the WS, then write it down and send it.
 

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IT also might make her think the OP is really interested in her and getting jealous of the attention and wants a piece of the action. Maybe he should mind his own business after all. It might get inappropriate paying too much attention to someone else's wife.
If he is a friend it is his business. For one thing he does not want to associate with a cheater. He sure does not want his wife having a cheater as a friend. That makes him a friend of the marriage and not an enabler.

No point in living life in fear. Just do the right thing. In this case it is to tell his friend what he saw.
 

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Tell your super hot friend that you think the PT has a thing for her and that you will keep an eagle eye out for her on her behalf.

Should cool things off.
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
Well, the class is tonight, so it's likely all of them will be there (husband and wife...and trainer). Still contemplating all the advice given -- a lot to digest but really appreciated.

I'll let you all know how it turns out.
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
Interesting turn of events (sorry, this is long) Last night I went to the gym, and got there a little before the class. So I went down to run a mile or two on the treadmill. I saw my friend working out with her trainer. They were laughing a bit together and were doing some exercises. I started my run and didn’t notice her again until she tapped me on the arm and said “hi” to me. I would describe her mood as almost giddy. She then went into the ladies locker room and came out a few minutes later, only to go to the private room the trainers use. She went in to apparently grab her purse, and ran upstairs. I thought that was kind of odd, but anyway.

I decided to skip her class and continue my run and noticed the trainer guy working with another client. After the hour was up, I went upstairs looking for my wife, and she and another girl were talking to my friend. I walked over to them and asked her if her husband was picking her up from class. She asked why, and I said because I wanted to ask him something. In reality, I was just going to ask him to lunch as our offices are very close to one another. But I also wanted to see how she’d react to that question. She said sort of nervously, “oh yes, he’s right outside.” Then she said goodnight and ran back downstairs. I went outside, and there was no sign of him, so I went back in to the gym.

My wife was just leaving and (since we drive separately) we arranged to meet at home. My friend returned w/out her coat (we live in the NE and its cold now) and I said “Are you sure he’s here?” I looked out there and didn’t see him?” she acted surprised and then called him. He was supposedly on his way. After she hung up she started to quiz me about wanting to see him. So I said “oh, nothing big…just wanted to ask him something.” Then she pressed me “Is everything okay? What’s going on?” I finally decided to tell her I just wanted to see if he’d like to grab lunch sometime. She seemed very relieved, then asked me again if there was “anything wrong?” I said I was fine…and then she spilled it.

It came like floodwaters: Her marriage has sucked since 2008. They argue all the time. It’s affecting their daughter at home and with their nanny. She doesn’t sleep with him anymore; she sleeps in her daughter’s room. The only reason she’s in this marriage now is because of her daughter. She kept saying he was a good guy and she loved him, but began to detail his personality faults. How he hates living here, his low self-esteem, his lack of friends…how he ruined her office holiday party for her. Just an avalanche of info. I was on my heels.

I knew some of their issues, but not all of this. She apologized for dropping it on me. Over and over again.
My cynical side thought this was simply more smokescreen to justify the behavior she thought I witnessed. We went on talking and said “you’re the only person other than your wife and my girlfriend I’ve told this to.” Maybe I’m gullible, but she seemed sincere and if all of this is happening, her marriage is indeed a mess. I asked her if she spoke openly to him about it all, so he had a chance to change or alter his behavior, if the goal was to work this out. She danced around the answer a bit and said she was doing a lot by herself to occupy her time. She seemed to be saying she wanted to wait until her daughter got a little older, but said “she loves her daddy so much.” Then she mentioned “teaching classes and training.” At this point I noticed her trainer hanging around behind us. I asked how that was going and she said “great, he’s my friend too and I can talk to him, too.” I immediately see the red flag. If they haven’t started yet an EA, it’s on the horizon. So, I tell her she needs to deal with the issues at home and not ignore them, they’ll only get worse. Then I threw in “and protect yourself. You’re vulnerable now and not everyone is going to look out for your best interests.” She seemed to get what I was hinting at, but we know how that goes. People will do what they want to do.

She then asked me to still go to lunch with her hubby because “maybe you can get through to him somehow…but please don’t mention what I told you.” She reiterated she thinks her husband is attractive, funny, and her “best friend in the world.” Then said “I could be with other men, but I’d never do that while I was with him. But I just want to do what’s best for me and my daughter.” My friend then said she was going to go back downstairs to get her coat and said “he’s here, want to meet out at the car?” So I said “yes.” As I walked out, I noticed the trainer asked her how her class went and proceeded to follow her down the stairs. I walked outside and a few minutes later she came out. Fact is, when she walked up to the car, she looked frightened and said to her husband “I’m sorry I missed your calls, I was talking to James (me).” I said “Yea, I was in there talking her ears off. My fault.” I made plans with him for lunch next week, and said goodbye to her. She looked wary about getting in the car with him.
Honestly, I don’t know that she’s started anything physical with the trainer yet, but obviously she’s prime for it with all the major issues in her marriage. Emotionally, they’re likely connecting already. He wasn’t going anywhere until she left the building. He’s working this as best he can.

Honestly, don’t know what to do here. She confided a lot in me, but I know it’s only one side of the story. Meanwhile, this guy stands by licking his chops. I don’t want to cross any lines here. Oy. Maybe it’s time for me to just butt out of it all.
 
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