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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
This is a long story, but I'll try to keep it brief as possible. I'm looking for advice, because I'm not sure what I should do next...

First some background: I'm 32 and married for 5 years (no kids), dated for 9 years prior to that. The last year has been very rocky.

March-July of last year, I worked 80-90 hours a week during a period of abnormal work loads at the job. During this time my husband started having an emotional affair with someone online in a different state.

April of this year I learned about it. He visited her once, and lied and told me it was a business trip. I don't know if he slept with her. I was ready to throw him out then, but he threatened suicide. By the time I learned of the affair the other woman had "dumped" him.

Since he threatened suicide, I stayed with him, brushed my hurt aside and got him help. But I'm having a hard time getting past his betrayal.

I just don't understand it because I have been so good to him. Fours years ago I took on the responsibility of the bulk of the bills (80% of our expenses) so he could start a business, I also do about 80% of the chores. Hell I've even fixed the toilet a few times! He spends about 40 hours a week playing an online game (which is where he met the girl). Not to sound like I have an ego, but at 32 I'm still hot! :) So I don't get it...

He says he wants to try to make things better. And the thing is, he has been extremely nice, so that's why making a decision is so hard. He's made a couple "dates" these last few days, but then waits for me to pay when the check comes. (and I do pay) So is that considered being taken out? And he still plays the game every night, which I don't expect him to stop it completely, but it bothers me since that's where he met the girl in the first place.

The other thing is, since I've been his caretaker for so long, that it hurts me to think of what his situation would be like if we divorced. He'd probably have to move back home with his parents since his business doesn't make much money. And even though he hurt me, I don't want to see him in a bad spot.

So that said, what is your take on the situation. And thanks for reading the super long post!
 

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You need to get out and worry about you. Do not let him keep you trapped in this relationship via suicide. He is being very selfish and manipulative. He also needs to get off his rear and start making money. He will never learn to be an adult if you keep enabling his childish behavior.
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There are a lot of similarities between our stories. Being the breadwinner and the enabler.

My situation is much worse and we have a child. I would suggest you not let it get to that point. Demand marriage counseling. And mean it.

I have the same guilt ... About leaving. He too threatened suicide when I asked for a separation. I also felt bad and forgave him.


This is a long story, but I'll try to keep it brief as possible. I'm looking for advice, because I'm not sure what I should do next...

First some background: I'm 32 and married for 5 years (no kids), dated for 9 years prior to that. The last year has been very rocky.

March-July of last year, I worked 80-90 hours a week during a period of abnormal work loads at the job. During this time my husband started having an emotional affair with someone online in a different state.

April of this year I learned about it. He visited her once, and lied and told me it was a business trip. I don't know if he slept with her. I was ready to throw him out then, but he threatened suicide. By the time I learned of the affair the other woman had "dumped" him.

Since he threatened suicide, I stayed with him, brushed my hurt aside and got him help. But I'm having a hard time getting past his betrayal.

I just don't understand it because I have been so good to him. Fours years ago I took on the responsibility of the bulk of the bills (80% of our expenses) so he could start a business, I also do about 80% of the chores. Hell I've even fixed the toilet a few times! He spends about 40 hours a week playing an online game (which is where he met the girl). Not to sound like I have an ego, but at 32 I'm still hot! :) So I don't get it...

He says he wants to try to make things better. And the thing is, he has been extremely nice, so that's why making a decision is so hard. He's made a couple "dates" these last few days, but then waits for me to pay when the check comes. (and I do pay) So is that considered being taken out? And he still plays the game every night, which I don't expect him to stop it completely, but it bothers me since that's where he met the girl in the first place.

The other thing is, since I've been his caretaker for so long, that it hurts me to think of what his situation would be like if we divorced. He'd probably have to move back home with his parents since his business doesn't make much money. And even though he hurt me, I don't want to see him in a bad spot.

So that said, what is your take on the situation. And thanks for reading the super long post!
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Concerned... I'm so sorry to hear that. :/
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This is a long story, but I'll try to keep it brief as possible. I'm looking for advice, because I'm not sure what I should do next...

First some background: I'm 32 and married for 5 years (no kids), dated for 9 years prior to that. The last year has been very rocky.

March-July of last year, I worked 80-90 hours a week during a period of abnormal work loads at the job. During this time my husband started having an emotional affair with someone online in a different state.

April of this year I learned about it. He visited her once, and lied and told me it was a business trip. I don't know if he slept with her. I was ready to throw him out then, but he threatened suicide. By the time I learned of the affair the other woman had "dumped" him.

Since he threatened suicide, I stayed with him, brushed my hurt aside and got him help. But I'm having a hard time getting past his betrayal.

I just don't understand it because I have been so good to him. Fours years ago I took on the responsibility of the bulk of the bills (80% of our expenses) so he could start a business, I also do about 80% of the chores. Hell I've even fixed the toilet a few times! He spends about 40 hours a week playing an online game (which is where he met the girl). Not to sound like I have an ego, but at 32 I'm still hot! :) So I don't get it...

He says he wants to try to make things better. And the thing is, he has been extremely nice, so that's why making a decision is so hard. He's made a couple "dates" these last few days, but then waits for me to pay when the check comes. (and I do pay) So is that considered being taken out? And he still plays the game every night, which I don't expect him to stop it completely, but it bothers me since that's where he met the girl in the first place.

The other thing is, since I've been his caretaker for so long, that it hurts me to think of what his situation would be like if we divorced. He'd probably have to move back home with his parents since his business doesn't make much money. And even though he hurt me, I don't want to see him in a bad spot.

So that said, what is your take on the situation. And thanks for reading the super long post!
It sounds to me like you're in a position to say what must happen in order for you to stay. For example... No more online gaming!

And don't let threats manipulate you. Only one person is responsible for his health and it ain't you.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
@Concerned: So sorry to hear you're going through something similar. I hope everything works out.

Thanks all for the responses/advice. It's such a difficult thing to go through and it really helps getting insight from others.
 

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Sarah:

I gotta say, if you were MY DAUGHTER I'd tell you to WAKE UP!

1.) If my math is correct (and it is), you started dating him when you were 18 yo. You could not POSSIBLY have had much experience with men, with dating, with being an adult, with life in general. It is possible that you have outgrown this relationship that started when you were basically still a kid.

2.) How will you ever trust this man again? He has cheated on you. After 13 years together he had an emotional affair. And lied about it. And went to see her in person. And lied about it. And maybe had a sexual affair with her. And lied about it. And you'll never know...unless he left you a little STD present. Did you get yourself tested? If not, then go get it done THIS WEEK. Getting a disease (or worrying about if you got one) is NOT something that should be niggling at the back of your mind. Get tested and put THAT to rest.

3.) He threatens suicide if you stop supporting him and enabling him to be an irresponsible, shiftless, immature teenager in a grown man's body. He's not pulling his weight financially. He's not pulling his weight emotionally. He's not pulling his weight in making this marriage work. He's not pulling his weight in working towards common goals or even working on improving HIMSELF over the long haul. What the hell's he DOING after work everyday????? GAMING. Really? WTF? Where is the commitment in TIME and EMOTION to EACH OTHER. THAT is what a marriage is...not just throwing your money into the same bank account and occuplying the same dwelling.

4.) After 4 years, his business STILL does not make enough money to support EVEN HIM BY HIMSELF much less be any contribution to your joint future. HOW LONG DOES HE GET TO KEEP DIDDLING AROUND AT A BUSINESS/CAREER THAT IS INEFFECTIVE???

PLEASE, please, please, sit down and list even a half-dozen things (positive things, things you didn't have BEFORE marriage to him...not necessarily MATERIAL things) that YOU HAVE GOTTEN OUT OF THIS MARRIAGE! Are you happier? More mature? More confident? More loved? More cherished? More inspired? More hopeful? More anything????

If you can come up with SIX GOOD THINGS that have resulted for YOU (not him, not both of you...JUST YOU), then I would like to see you list them here for us at TAM. Maybe we'd see something that we're currently missing. Granted, you're here to complain about what's WRONG in your marriage and, of course, that will overshadow what is RIGHT with your marriage. But, I haven't seen ANYTHING that is right with your marriage (except that you don't have kids with this boy/man).

I hope you don't take this as an ATTACK of you because I TRULY DID NOT MEAN IT THAT WAY. I just want to shake you, then give you a hug and say, "Get real. Sit down with paper/pen and figure this out while you're still young enough to make changes (in your marriage or out of it.)"

**hugs**
 

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He's a child. He games all night and then waits for mom to pay the bills. Wow! What time does he get up to work his business if he games all night? Have you checked into individual counseling to help you? Even if he's not interested, you figure out what you need, don't rug sweep the affair and the effect of online gaming in the affair.
 

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Tell him you are not working the 80-90 hrs anymore & you expect him to fullfill 50% of cost of living in that household.

You expect 50% of household chores to be done by him as well. Tell him, you do not expect to be his mother, so he shouldn't treat you like it.

Then, ... (without saying anything to him), still expect to do & pay for 80% of it yourself. When he asks you out/ mentions "date"... say, "I can't pay for it. I'd love to go out, let me know where you can afford & I'll know what to plan to wear".
 

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The only reason that I can see at this point of you staying with this person who has taken advantage of you in many ways is that you are emotionally attached to him and you do not want to go through the pain of getting unattached.

When you read SlowleyGettingBetter’s post it is a no brainer. Unless this man starts improving IMMEDIATELY he will be taking advantage of you for the rest of your life. He has already been doing it for so many years that he is probably very comfortable with his leaning on you.

If you are emotionally attached to him then think very seriously before you have a child with him. Then you will be doubly emotionally attached and it will be twice as hard to break away.

If he makes a real change immediately and you want to stay with him then that is another option for you.
 

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40hrs a week on an online game.
Can't pay his share of regular household bills.
Has no desire to keep up the house with you.
4 years in his own business and still not making it.
Had at the very least an emotional affair.
Lied about it.
Threatened suicide. ( did you call the police when he did? )

You do all of his work and rescue him.

Take back your life otherwise it's:

Thanks Mom......................:)
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
Thanks everyone for the advice. When I list out all the facts, the choice seems totally clear, but as Mr. Blunt has said, I am emotionally attached and that is why I'm having such a hard time making a decision.

I have started seeing a therapist. We've had about three sessions so far. She believes I've been in this caretaker role for so long, and that makes making a decision hard as well.

SlowlyGettingWiser, you raise a lot of good points.

If my math is correct (and it is), you started dating him when you were 18 yo.
That's correct. And I was 23 when we moved in together.

And you'll never know...unless he left you a little STD present. Did you get yourself tested?
STD free! Woohoo!

PLEASE, please, please, sit down and list even a half-dozen things (positive things, things you didn't have BEFORE marriage to him...not necessarily MATERIAL things) that YOU HAVE GOTTEN OUT OF THIS MARRIAGE! Are you happier? More mature? More confident? More loved? More cherished? More inspired? More hopeful? More anything????
The above is really a great idea. I read your post yesterday and gave it some thought. So here it goes...

1. When we first started dating, I was definately more shy and he helped me get out of my shell. (which I am not shy anymore!) So I do give him credit for that.

2. When we first moved in together, we relocated to another city, far from family. The first year was really hard for me, and he was supportive and helped me get through it.

3. In the past, when we've spent time together (even though it I usually plannned it and paid) we did have fun. The reason I say in the past, is because for a little over a year now when we do stuff I feel like he's in his own little world. Maybe daydreaming about the game or something.

So there's three things, but I need more time to come up with another three. Which perhaps isn't a good sign... I'll give it some more thought and post later today.

I hope you don't take this as an ATTACK of you because I TRULY DID NOT MEAN IT THAT WAY.
Not seen as an attack at all! Your post was tremendously helpful.

Is it just me or are there a lot of posts lately about gaming addicted spouses?
It seems a lot of folks are becoming addicted. In South Korea, they have rehab centers for it. Strangely last night, he did not play. Perhaps he came across this thread (which is highly unlikely) or something happened in the game. I noticed the past two days he's been kind of depressed. I suspect some gaming drama happened with the folks he plays with. Its happened a few times in the past.

Please visit Olganon if you haven't already (Google it), read the stories and advice there and here and stop enabling him.
I'll look into this.

Thanks again, I write more later.
 

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Some say that by you enabling him to continue his toxic lifestyle, you are abusing him. He continues going no where in life because YOU LET HIM! And it sounds like you even reward him for it. Quit abusing this kid and find someone that loves you more than them self!
 

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Absolutely yes. I'd leave.

My husband and I set everything aside at night and spend quality time together. I think this is important in a marriage. It keeps us emotionally and physically connected.

Your husband is disconnected to you and connecting with others online. If he is talking to other women, I'd be concerned about him having emotional affairs.:/
 

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1. When we first started dating, I was definately more shy and he helped me get out of my shell. (which I am not shy anymore!) So I do give him credit for that.

2. When we first moved in together, we relocated to another city, far from family. The first year was really hard for me, and he was supportive and helped me get through it.
Sorry, but these 2 don't count. I want you to think about what YOUR MARRIAGE has brought to you...NOT your relationship as a whole. The reason being, YOU have spent YOUR ENTIRE ADULT LIFE in this relationship. Naturally, you would have made positive changes during those years; some changes by virtue of maturing, some changes by virtue of being with your H.

My point is that I don't believe YOUR MARRIAGE has been of benefit to you. I think whatever 'positives' you got out of this relationship you got BEFORE the marriage. I think this is an old/comfortable/established/immature relationship based on two people you guys USED TO BE years ago.

#3 DOES count as you had fun with someone (your H) during years 1-4 of your marriage.

...*hugs*
 
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