[JakeRyan]

have been with my wife for 20 years. we met very young and no prior experience with relationships before i met her as a kid in high school. She did, and was not a virgin like i was, and had dated quite a bit. I had kissed 2 girls before her and that's it, no second base, third, etc... I was very shy and quiet in general and that had a lot to do with it. for some reason she liked me, she say's it was becuase i was nice and had integrety whatever that means. Becuase we met so young, she was basicaly my first girlfriend ever,and my only. before we got married, she dumped me for a few months to (we had been together for 3 years i think) to go fishing for a better fish. I was heard broken, lost 20 lbs, hung out with friends but did not socialize with girls, etc... and did no dating or anything. 3 months later she realized that i treated her like a queen and she could not do any better, and she begged me back and of course i took her back. we had children in our early 20s and now they are in their pre teens. ok so thats the quick background upto today.

my problem is that i just lost the excitement of being with her, i am no longer a social introvert, and every day i think about what i missed becacuse i was such a shy and reserved child growing up (due to a few family issues i think), i look at other women, i wonder what it would be like to date, lately i enjoy being alone rather then going out as a couple. we seem to have other interests that i feel are slowing distancing us. she still loves me and is attracted to me, i just don't know if am IN Love and it has been an issue for quite some time. I love her, respect her, make sure our kids treat her with respect, etc.. but it just seems we are in a business of raising kids (at least that's how i feel). i have just been sticking with it becuase of our kids, and that we dont really fight or have any real problems, i just dont think about her like i should, feel romantic, get butterflys at the thought of her, etc...

im angry at my self for feeling this way, on one side i feel i should just stick it out becuase of our children, and on the other hand everything i read says we should be happy, that even she should have someone that views her as a queen and dreams about her, etc... i also think that maybe if we took a break, i may realize that she is the one for me, re-engage my attraction to her, etc.. and that hopefully she would take me back; or i realize it was a mistake, she found somone else, etc... and i screwed up big time.

in summary, i am not a cheater, but my mind wonders all the time, and i feel like something is seriously wrong here. looking for help or advice. if we did seperate, i would want to live in the same neighborhood so my kids are still close and we can still be tight. i would not move far away, disappear, etc... but again, i could almost cry just thinkiing about all this, how it will affect my kids if we dont live in the same house, and i almost hate myself for getting into this situation or thinking that i am not happy with my marriage.

 

[MSC71]

You got the grass is greener syndrome ! I don't believe people fall in or out of love. Its a decision we make. Your mind is wandering and thinking what you may have missed. Start thinking about what you have !

 

[sunyata]

jakeryan,

Your feelings are valid. I would not beat yourself up over feeling them. You have to look at your feelings as just triggers to really look deeper into where they are coming from. The feelings themselves may or may not be true to the reality of your situation. What is happening is that you have grown up over the years. Your shy nature has disolved over the years and now you are feeling more assertive and confident. The question is, do you really love your spouse and can you turn those new strengths towards her in a new way that elevates your marriage. Or, you have to decide if you really are at a different place in your life and need to move on to a different relationship. I would highly recommend testing a separation before you do anything to invite a new relationship. This way you can re-build your independence, look at your spouse and see if you still feel there is the relationship you wish to have in your life. If not, you know you need to go in a different direction.

 

[norajane]

but it just seems we are in a business of raising kids (at least that's how i feel).

Sure, this isn't butterflies inducing. But, leaving your wife doesn't mean you won't still be in the raising kids business. You'll still have to do that, plus any children your greener grass woman has, plus any children your greener grass woman will want to have with you.

You're not going to live the life of an International Man of Mystery when you're a dad. Sorry. Imagine how non-sexy your wife feels when she's got kids hanging off her wanting something all day long. I'll bet she's even less excited than you.

What if she does find someone else? How does that make you feel? You want another man making love to her and raising your children?

You signed up for this life with children, so it is what it is. They'll grow up and it will pass as you and your wife focus on yourselves again.

If you're bored, be less boring. Take your wife on dates and focus your energy on wooing her and making her fall in love with you again. Practice your new-found extroversion on her - flirt with her, tease her, win her over. That will be worth a lot more to you in the long run than trying to win over a new woman with whom you will eventually get bored just like you are bored now.

 

[JakeRyan]

You got the grass is greener syndrome ! I don't believe people fall in or out of love. Its a decision we make. Your mind is wandering and thinking what you may have missed. Start thinking about what you have !

understood, but at some point you have to realize that some decisions have to be changed as a last resort.

 

[JakeRyan]

Sure, this isn't butterflies inducing. But, leaving your wife doesn't mean you won't still be in the raising kids business. You'll still have to do that, plus any children your greener grass woman has, plus any children your greener grass woman will want to have with you.

You're not going to live the life of an International Man of Mystery when you're a dad. Sorry. Imagine how non-sexy your wife feels when she's got kids hanging off her wanting something all day long. I'll bet she's even less excited than you.

What if she does find someone else? How does that make you feel? You want another man making love to her and raising your children?

You signed up for this life with children, so it is what it is. They'll grow up and it will pass as you and your wife focus on yourselves again.

If you're bored, be less boring. Take your wife on dates and focus your energy on wooing her and making her fall in love with you again. Practice your new-found extroversion on her - flirt with her, tease her, win her over. That will be worth a lot more to you in the long run than trying to win over a new woman with whom you will eventually get bored just like you are bored now.

Iv'e tried this 2 times now, first time she wanted to stay home on and catch up on her reading, so i went to a movie by myself. Second time, i wanted to go out for a night on the town, dinner drinks, she wanted to stay home. I finally see, another issue is we have different interests on what we want to do with our free time together. i like to go out, have fun, have a drink, etc... and she is more reserved, stay home, etc...

 

[dumpedandhappy]

Dude, be honest with her. Tell her the truth. Be open about all of your feelings.
You maybe surprised what you discover.
You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.
But...most importantly, take a good long hard look in the mirror and be honest with yourself.
Take time to consider what you see there.
Take time to meditate on what your feeligns are, establish what is the issue for yourself only...don't focus on her faults.
Only you know the answer regarding Love. If you are unsure, take the time to be SURE.
Divorce is an aweful thing to go through. But it happens. Then again, people fall in love all over again too.
Slow your mind down and breath, take a break, go somewhere and just think about it all.
When you are ready...the answers will be there for you.

 

[iamlonely30]

I understand your problem. I also married very young, and to a man who was experienced while I wasnt. I have spent my whole life married to him, and he makes up almost all of my sexual experiences. I have also grown and matured as time as went on, and now I too am wondering what would have happened if I had not just stayed with him, if I had moved on. Your feelings towards your wife are understandable. You have both grown and changed, and while you do not want to hurt her, she is no longer being able to make you feel the way you need to feel. I love my husband, but I am no longer "in" love with him. I am not sure I ever really was. We have seperate interests and like you, I often find myself happier alone than together. I think that taking a break is a risky move. When a couple takes a break, often it becomes permanant. You either need to make the decision to stick it out and try and make it work, or you need to leave and give you both the chance to find what you need.

I also have not left my husband yet..I am still trying to decide if thats the right thing for me. I love him...and I dont want to be without him, yet also I am tired of always feeling like there is something missing. Somehow I think if you are really happy in your marriage, that feeling should only come around sometimes, not be a daily thing. Good luck to you, I hope you are able to make a choice that will help make you happy. And as far as staying for the kids....I have used that excuse my whole life....I am just now beginning to see that sometimes staying for the kids isnt the best thing for them after all. If you ever need to talk, feel free to email, I will help anyway I can, even if its just to listen.