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I haven’t read through all of this so I might be missing some pertinent information.
But…
1) in your original post you said you still love her. The most loving thing you can do for her right now, is leave her. It sound counter intuitive, but she needs to hit bottom before she will do the work to get better. And as long as you are with her, she can’t hit bottom. It sucks, but it’s the kindest thing you can do.

2) One of my research projects in grad school was heroin use during pregnancy. The fact that she is on Suboxone is really good. Suprisingly, the opiate in the system doesn’t do permanent damage to the baby. But going through withdrawal in utero was extremely dangerous for the baby. One of the big issues with pregnant heroin users is they rarely have a consistent source, so they often go through the initial stages of withdrawal multiple times. Which means so does that baby.

The infant will have have to go through withdrawal once it is born, but at that point it can medically supervised and done safely.

Anyway, I feel for your wife, but I’m glad you are making the healthy decision to leave her, and I hope you file for full custody of your baby. She’s not ready to be a parent.

Now I am going to go finish reading the thread and see if I have given you any inappropriate advice.
 

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My advice:
See an attorney.
Get your wife thrown in jail where the baby MIGHT have a chance at a normal life.
Divorce your wife immediately.
Bolded and underlined is not good advice. Jails are one of the most unsafe places for a pregnant woman, particularly for an addict. They will not be watching out to make sure she gets her suboxone, and she won’t get great prenatal care. And if there is an emergency it’s possible she could be ignored until it’s too late.

She is more than likely going to be considered a high risk pregnancy, and in order to make sure that baby has the best chance she needs quality health care and nutrition. She won’t get either in jail.

I do fully agree with the other two pieces of advice.
 

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Bolded and underlined is not good advice. Jails are one of the most unsafe places for a pregnant woman, particularly for an addict. They will not be watching out to make sure she gets her suboxone, and she won’t get great prenatal care. And if there is an emergency it’s possible she could be ignored until it’s too late.

She is more than likely going to be considered a high risk pregnancy, and in order to make sure that baby has the best chance she needs quality health care and nutrition. She won’t get either in jail.

I do fully agree with the other two pieces of advice.
What you said seems logical and now that I’ve read more of the OP’s logic and yours, I agree. I mainly meant after having the baby, but either way. I really think it’s a shame to bring a baby who is addicted to heroin into the world.
 

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What you said seems logical and now that I’ve read more of the OP’s logic and yours, I agree. I mainly meant after having the baby, but either way. I really think it’s a shame to bring a baby who is addicted to heroin into the world.
I agree with you. It is a shame. And while I know with proper medical intervention the outcomes can be decent in terms of the child having any kind of disability (which is where my expertise lies) I have to assume this individual will more likely to face addiction problems when they are older. Because they will be born with an addiction.

But I do think OP is doing the best he can with some pretty bad options.
 

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Discussion Starter · #106 ·
I haven’t read through all of this so I might be missing some pertinent information.
But…
1) in your original post you said you still love her. The most loving thing you can do for her right now, is leave her. It sound counter intuitive, but she needs to hit bottom before she will do the work to get better. And as long as you are with her, she can’t hit bottom. It sucks, but it’s the kindest thing you can do.

2) One of my research projects in grad school was heroin use during pregnancy. The fact that she is on Suboxone is really good. Suprisingly, the opiate in the system doesn’t do permanent damage to the baby. But going through withdrawal in utero was extremely dangerous for the baby. One of the big issues with pregnant heroin users is they rarely have a consistent source, so they often go through the initial stages of withdrawal multiple times. Which means so does that baby.

The infant will have have to go through withdrawal once it is born, but at that point it can medically supervised and done safely.

Anyway, I feel for your wife, but I’m glad you are making the healthy decision to leave her, and I hope you file for full custody of your baby. She’s not ready to be a parent.

Now I am going to go finish reading the thread and see if I have given you any inappropriate advice.
Yeah I’m well aware of the whole idea of letting them hit rock bottom, but it’s just been extraordinarily hard for me to do. It’s been a constant mental and emotional struggle for the past few years knowing that it’s what I’m supposed to do but not being able to do it and then knowing that I’m in turn enabling her which is never the true intention. I always thought people who did things like I’ve done over the past few years were idiots and couldn’t understand why they couldn’t just stop bailing the addict out, stop giving them money, stop covering up for them. Now I understand why.

Yes, the Suboxone is a good thing, comparatively. I think everyone hears “heroin” or “opiate” and immediately they picture a children born with all sorts of defects but it’s generally not the case from everything I’ve read and what the doctors have told us. They may be at increased odds for a few things but I’m going to have to deal with those issues if and when they happen. I’m not dismissing what she’s done but I’m trying to be realistic about what I need to be prepared for and it’s almost certainly not going to be a child with a major handicap of any sort. If that happens, I’ll deal with it then. I have to focus on the more likely things, like the immediate withdraw period, the length of time he or she might be in the hospital, and keeping myself together when I see my innocent newborn baby going though that. Thankfully the intensity and length of withdraw is usually less with Suboxone. Yes, he or she will be at an increased risk of developing addiction during their lifetime which is scary but it’s no guarantee they’ll develop any sort of problem like that. Again, not trying to minimize or excuse anything my wife had done but just trying to be rational to keep myself sane.
 

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Discussion Starter · #107 ·
I’m feeling like a piece of crap. We got the DNA results and she was upset that I hadn’t believed her. I told her that I had believed her but that I just needed proof to know for sure. She asked if it was because I was planning to divorce her and take the baby away. I was planning to discuss it with her but not in that moment, so I was conflicted on whether I should lie or say something to pacify her for now or just tell her the truth. I’m scared of what she’ll do but I also think it would be wrong and possibly even more disastrous to allow her to believe we’re going to remain married and raise the child together in a shared household. It just feels cruel to lead her on like that. So I just told her that we’ll need to talk about it later. She was crying and saying she knew I was going to do it and to tell her the truth. I blew up and asked her what other option does she think I have to protect the kid that she is so set on bringing into the world. It didn’t go well and it’s not how I wanted to handle it. I told her I don’t plan to try to strip her parental rights or not allow her any contact but I think it would be best if we just knew the baby had a stable drug free home and that she needs to take this time and the time after the baby is born to work on herself and get her life together so she can be the parent she says she wants to be. She got insulted and hung up the phone and hasn’t responded to me since. So I’m feeling guilty on multiple layers right now.
 

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I’m feeling like a piece of crap. We got the DNA results and she was upset that I hadn’t believed her. I told her that I had believed her but that I just needed proof to know for sure. She asked if it was because I was planning to divorce her and take the baby away. I was planning to discuss it with her but not in that moment, so I was conflicted on whether I should lie or say something to pacify her for now or just tell her the truth. I’m scared of what she’ll do but I also think it would be wrong and possibly even more disastrous to allow her to believe we’re going to remain married and raise the child together in a shared household. It just feels cruel to lead her on like that. So I just told her that we’ll need to talk about it later. She was crying and saying she knew I was going to do it and to tell her the truth. I blew up and asked her what other option does she think I have to protect the kid that she is so set on bringing into the world. It didn’t go well and it’s not how I wanted to handle it. I told her I don’t plan to try to strip her parental rights or not allow her any contact but I think it would be best if we just knew the baby had a stable drug free home and that she needs to take this time and the time after the baby is born to work on herself and get her life together so she can be the parent she says she wants to be. She got insulted and hung up the phone and hasn’t responded to me since. So I’m feeling guilty on multiple layers right now.
Everything you’re describing here sounds like a father looking out for the best interests of his child. I get that it hurt her and you feel bad that she was hurt, but it needed to be said and you have a moral obligation to protect your child. This all sounds like stuff good dads do. ❤
 

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I’m feeling like a piece of crap. We got the DNA results and she was upset that I hadn’t believed her. I told her that I had believed her but that I just needed proof to know for sure. She asked if it was because I was planning to divorce her and take the baby away. I was planning to discuss it with her but not in that moment, so I was conflicted on whether I should lie or say something to pacify her for now or just tell her the truth. I’m scared of what she’ll do but I also think it would be wrong and possibly even more disastrous to allow her to believe we’re going to remain married and raise the child together in a shared household. It just feels cruel to lead her on like that. So I just told her that we’ll need to talk about it later. She was crying and saying she knew I was going to do it and to tell her the truth. I blew up and asked her what other option does she think I have to protect the kid that she is so set on bringing into the world. It didn’t go well and it’s not how I wanted to handle it. I told her I don’t plan to try to strip her parental rights or not allow her any contact but I think it would be best if we just knew the baby had a stable drug free home and that she needs to take this time and the time after the baby is born to work on herself and get her life together so she can be the parent she says she wants to be. She got insulted and hung up the phone and hasn’t responded to me since. So I’m feeling guilty on multiple layers right now.
You are feeling guilty, because she has once again manipulated you. What you just described is called DARVO. She's good at it. Look it up and start to recognize how she is manipulating you.

DARVO stand for Deny Accuse Reverse Victim and Offender

You did nothing wrong. You told her your concerns for your child and all she could think about was herself. She has no compassion or empathy for either you or your child. It's all about herself. She is nowhere near repentance at this point. She is wallowing in self pity and has not taken responsibility for herself at all. She's trying to make you look bad for wanting to be a good father. See this for what it is and know that you have nothing to feel guilty about. In fact, you are perfectly justified in having righteous anger at her for her myopic view of the world and how she is injuring other people around her. She won't even acknowledge that she is the one who is causing this, not you. You are responding to her dysfunction and trying to avoid it further hurting you or your child. Rather than apologizing and doing whatever she can to help resolve the issues she has caused, she lashes out at you and makes you the bad guy. Please recognize what she is doing and stop feeling guilty. It's okay to be angry with her. I have a feeling you may be avoiding that, so instead you feed into her lies and feel guilty instead.
 

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Responsible people would want their children in a safe, drug free environment. Your wife should want the same thing, if she really cared about her baby. She doesn't realize she's sick. She doesn't realize she cannot be a good parent to her baby. She's not acting like a caring mother.

You did the right thing. You are protecting your child. You have to protect your child from any harm, he or she depends on you to survive.

Don't fall for her manipulative ways. Don't ever feel guilty for protecting your child.
 

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Discussion Starter · #115 ·
Thanks to everyone for the encouragement.

Despite her problems she’s able to project this sweet almost innocent sort of persona that most everyone she knows falls for to various degrees and I’m not exception. I’m doing better with time apart from her. I’ve started looking forward to not living with the drama every day, even though I’ll always be connected to her now and I still love her now as I’m typing this.

Regarding custody, I’m to gather documentation on anything and everything regarding her history of drug use, as well as keep record of everything I am doing to prepare for the arrival of the child. Unfortunately, the court really only cares about anything that will have happened with the past 12 months regarding her drug use. My lawyer will request her medical records be turned over and the baby’s medical records will be admitted. The court will drug test her but that won’t do any good in the short term because we all know she’s still taking the Suboxone and hopefully that will be all she’s using come the time this all happens. She isn’t currently seeking treatment or counseling of any sort. She’s unemployed. Our current home is in my name. I bought it before we were married; however, I will be renting a place in my name for the short term so that I have some sort separate household established. I’m pissed and would much rather be in my own home right now but I feel safer with her there. Once the divorce is over I plan to purchase a new house because I want a fresh start somewhere else and not the memories I have of things she’s done there. I don’t know where she will live after we’re divorced but I have to try not to think about it because it sort of sends me into a panic when I do since I still want to protect her. Beyond her drug issues, she can’t properly care and provide for a child right now and we should have no problem showing that. I have an education, a good job with benefits, will be able to provide a physical home, afford all basic necessities, and have strong family support, plus I don’t event drink these days let along use any drugs so I have nothing to worry about on that end either.

I would like her to have supervised visitation on the grounds that the court requires regular drug testing. My lawyer has warned me that since this is a newborn the court will likely want to maintain the mother child relationship in some way, which I’m fine with right now. If she were to suddenly pull herself together, go to treatment, get a job, and show a big effort there is a chance that she could get unsupervised visitation pending continuous clean drug tests. My lawyer thinks that is probably the most she would get to start if she does all of the right things, but she’s not doing those things as of today. Our local courts are inclined over the past few years to really work with addict mothers to try to give them chances so having little control over that part is scary.
 

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I would surmise that most drug addicted mothers don't have a good father for the baby. You are an exception, so I think that will make a difference. Of course, they're going to try to work with the mother, if there is no father in the picture. When there is a stable, healthy father fighting for custody, it's a whole different matter. Do you know anything about what happens in those situations? There probably aren't a lot of examples, but there might be some that you could look into and see what happened in their situation. Talking to some of those men might give you a lot of helpful information. What to do. What to avoid. Etc.
 

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Thanks to everyone for the encouragement.

Despite her problems she’s able to project this sweet almost innocent sort of persona that most everyone she knows falls for to various degrees and I’m not exception. I’m doing better with time apart from her. I’ve started looking forward to not living with the drama every day, even though I’ll always be connected to her now and I still love her now as I’m typing this.

Regarding custody, I’m to gather documentation on anything and everything regarding her history of drug use, as well as keep record of everything I am doing to prepare for the arrival of the child. Unfortunately, the court really only cares about anything that will have happened with the past 12 months regarding her drug use. My lawyer will request her medical records be turned over and the baby’s medical records will be admitted. The court will drug test her but that won’t do any good in the short term because we all know she’s still taking the Suboxone and hopefully that will be all she’s using come the time this all happens. She isn’t currently seeking treatment or counseling of any sort. She’s unemployed. Our current home is in my name. I bought it before we were married; however, I will be renting a place in my name for the short term so that I have some sort separate household established. I’m pissed and would much rather be in my own home right now but I feel safer with her there. Once the divorce is over I plan to purchase a new house because I want a fresh start somewhere else and not the memories I have of things she’s done there. I don’t know where she will live after we’re divorced but I have to try not to think about it because it sort of sends me into a panic when I do since I still want to protect her. Beyond her drug issues, she can’t properly care and provide for a child right now and we should have no problem showing that. I have an education, a good job with benefits, will be able to provide a physical home, afford all basic necessities, and have strong family support, plus I don’t event drink these days let along use any drugs so I have nothing to worry about on that end either.

I would like her to have supervised visitation on the grounds that the court requires regular drug testing. My lawyer has warned me that since this is a newborn the court will likely want to maintain the mother child relationship in some way, which I’m fine with right now. If she were to suddenly pull herself together, go to treatment, get a job, and show a big effort there is a chance that she could get unsupervised visitation pending continuous clean drug tests. My lawyer thinks that is probably the most she would get to start if she does all of the right things, but she’s not doing those things as of today. Our local courts are inclined over the past few years to really work with addict mothers to try to give them chances so having little control over that part is scary.
It is called manipulation, all addicts are experts at this. Do not fall for the sweetness and promises, etc.
Send her back to her parents to take care off and sell the house. She will simple buy drugs with whatever you give her in a settlement.
 
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