[Evinrude58]

You’re not totally wrong, about me at least.

As far as her poisoning the baby, yes she did. What she’s doing now is not ideal in the sense that there are still opiates pumping through the baby’s system which wouldn’t be a thing if she hadn’t been using heroin in the first place, but it’s the safest option given the circumstances. For those who aren’t aware, it is not advised to completely withdraw from opiates when pregnant. That is what she’d prefer to do now and I believe she’s genuine. She doesn’t enjoy the way the Suboxone makes her feel and she does feel guilt and shame about doing it to the baby. If she continues to take only what is prescribed, at least there is good chance the baby will go to term, be in a normal weight range, experience milder and shorter withdraw, and possibly not have any withdraw symptoms if we get really really lucky. I don’t say any of this to defend her, but I know that most people thankfully don’t have experience with this and might not be aware that this is what the experts advise.

It’s so sad. I totally agree with what you’re saying. Your wife is likely not some monster, but she’s an addict. You love your wife.
It would be awesome if she’d stop the heroin.

 

[lp86]

How do you respond to her when she talks like that and begs you?

I spend most of the time being quiet trying not to fly off the handle at her. I have been mean and frustrated with most of my responses.

Yesterday I let her know that I am happy that she’s following the doctor’s instructions, but that I feel like she’s doing the bare minimum and not showing the type of effort that would make me believe she’s truly committed to getting clean. I don’t want to take her baby from her and I would like for my child to have his or her mother in their life and for her to be a normal, healthy, trustworthy parent. I don’t want to see her fail. I’m in this strange situation where I want her to succeed and I want to help and encourage her but at the same time I feel like I might just be setting her up in the perfect position to easily manipulate those who may feel she is deserving of a chance with this baby when maybe she might not be ready yet.

 

[Cynthia]

I spend most of the time being quiet trying not to fly off the handle at her. I have been mean and frustrated with most of my responses.

Yesterday I let her know that I am happy that she’s following the doctor’s instructions, but that I feel like she’s doing the bare minimum and not showing the type of effort that would make me believe she’s truly committed to getting clean. I don’t want to take her baby from her and I would like for my child to have his or her mother in their life and for her to be a normal, healthy, trustworthy parent. I don’t want to see her fail. I’m in this strange situation where I want her to succeed and I want to help and encourage her but at the same time I feel like I might just be setting her up in the perfect position to easily manipulate those who may feel she is deserving of a chance with this baby when maybe she might not be ready yet.

If your wife is truly repentant, it will be many years before you know it for sure, and even then she could relapse. Addiction is a terrible thing. It's amazing how quickly a person can fall right back into it. I once went from not smoking for a couple of years to having a cigarette with a friend, picking up a pack on the way home, and continuing right where I left off. I quit for good 29 years ago this month.

It is way too soon to trust her. I know you want to, but it's not reasonable. Leaving her alone with a newborn is not reasonable. It is your responsibility to protect your child, even if it's from your wife.

I understand that this seems like a very mean thing to do to your wife, but it's not about her. This is not a doll. This is a living human being who needs to be protected. Your wife may not be malicious, but that doesn't mean she's not dangerous. Again, these decisions can't be made out of emotion. This must be addressed from a logical point of view or things are going to go terribly wrong.

Having strong boundaries set up will not harm your wife. It will help her to stay on track and to be a good mother, while at the same time protecting your child. Your wife should want this for her child. If she doesn't, that is another reason to be extremely wary of her.

 

[Rob_1]

have experience with this and might not be aware that this is what the experts advise.

have the experts also told you the implications during fetal development? the possibilities of genetic derailments in the developing fetus? The life long implications for that child and his care if it comes to full term? what would happen to the child if when older gets exposed to drugs, how his body most likely is going to react going forward in relationship to drugs? I think that if they haven't told you some of these aspects, then they need to give you an exposition of the possibilities to deal with as the child grows due to Meth being neurotoxic. Your child (if yours) might develop normal, but your wife was "using" at the beginning of the pregnancy and still is feeding the child opiates (albeit small controlled quantities), but it could lead to predisposition for later in life. So I guess you already are aware of these implications, but just in case I'm mentioning them.

 

[lp86]

It’s so sad. I totally agree with what you’re saying. Your wife is likely not some monster, but she’s an addict. You love your wife.
It would be awesome if she’d stop the heroin.

I think when you say somebody is an addict, namely heroin, one automatically pictures this soulless disgusting, dirty, disease ridden troll-like person with scabs all over their arms, living under a bridge and sharing needles. I know that’s what I use to think of all of them. Some are that way, but that’s not my wife. It could be her future though. She’s a far more complex person than that and if you saw her with your own eyes right now you’d never know what she was struggling with.

 

[Cynthia]

I think when you say somebody is an addict, namely heroin, one automatically pictures this soulless disgusting, dirty, disease ridden troll-like person with scabs all over their arms, living under a bridge and sharing needles. I know that’s what I use to think of all of them. Some are that way, but that’s not my wife. It could be her future though. She’s a far more complex person than that and if you saw her with your own eyes right now you’d never know what she was struggling with.

^^^^^^
This is one of the reasons you are struggling with your new reality. You had a picture in your mind of a heroin addict. Your wife doesn't match that picture, so you are having a difficult time reconciling the image of what you envision an addict to be and what your wife really is like. She is still beautiful to you and you know so much of her good side, but the addiction is a monster that has a hold of her. She is not who she wants to be or who you think she can be. She is an addict and is therefore a danger to you and your child. Look what she's done to you. She didn't do it on purpose. She wasn't trying to destroy your finances or your life. But she did. And now you are the one picking up the pieces and trying to make a life for yourself and your child. She is not in control. The addiction is.

If she stays the path of sobriety, it will be years before you can trust her even a little bit, but I personally wouldn't ever leave her alone with a child until that child is old enough to know what to do something bad happens while he's with his mother.

 

[Rob_1]

She’s a far more complex person than that and if you saw her with your own eyes right now you’d never know what she was struggling with.

No she's not, she's like anybody else. She just hasn't reach that level (yet), or she might never reach that level. You are rationalizing and looking at her through your biased perceptions of her due to your emotional involvement. Certainly, I have never met her nor I know who she is, but there's not need in order to ascertain a common human biological response trait. You could be the most high functioning individual in the world, but if you're and addict to some kind of drug, them the psychosomatic responses within the individual are pretty much a patron within humans. So, please, let's not deluge with biases.

 

[lp86]

No she's not, she's like anybody else. She just hasn't reach that level (yet), or she might never reach that level. You are rationalizing and looking at her through your biased perceptions of her due to your emotional involvement. Certainly, I have never met her nor I know who she is, but there's not need in order to ascertain a common human biological response trait. You could be the most high functioning individual in the world, but if you're and addict to some kind of drug, them the psychosomatic responses within the individual are pretty much a patron within humans. So, please, let's not deluge with biases.

In no way did I mean that she is any less addicted, physically and mentally dependent, or controlled by her addiction than any other addict, nor anymore trustworthy when actively using.

I think to some people there is just one image of an addict, as this evil, soulless, lepure-like person and the individual is reduced to nothing but that. To someone who thinks like that, they may have a difficult time understanding why I feel the way I do. They are seen as 100% bad with no other layers to who they are and in some people’s minds that’s it cut and dry. I do think that some people fall so far down that they do begin to lose their souls and their minds, but realistically many addicts are more complex than the stereotype. I’m admittedly biased towards by wife. I wouldn’t want to be in 20 feet of a dirty, street-dwelling heroin addicted woman turning tricks for a fix. I don’t think that my wife, when she’s using, would be anymore trustworthy with a newborn baby than that street woman though. And I am terrified of my wife becoming that woman one day. For now, she still has a soul and her mind and emotions are still there and constantly conflicted and struggling. She isn’t “evil,” but is she a fit mother right now? No.

I also can’t claim that she’s the most functional addict out there. She’s no longer employed because of her issues and normally spends about 5 hours in the middle of the day passed out in bed which is enraging. She’s now gone 3 or 4 days without taking a nap and it’s like a major achievement for her which is just terribly depressing.

 

[Rob_1]

In no way did I mean that she is any less addicted, physically and mentally dependent,

Sorry, but I did not mean to convey that. What I meant was that from a pure physiological/mental point of view, she's just like any other human when it comes to the psychosomatics' response of one's body. Pretty similar, but all a little different due unique individuals' physiology, but all within a patron for humans. We just see the different stages to which an individual has fallen to. But all of them are complex persons as anyone else with the exception of those the have reach the lowest of the low where they are nothing but automatons in their quest for more. Those are on their way out.

I was trying to say that she's not unique in her position nor more complex than the rest.

 

[LisaDiane]

In no way did I mean that she is any less addicted, physically and mentally dependent, or controlled by her addiction than any other addict, nor anymore trustworthy when actively using.

I think to some people there is just one image of an addict, as this evil, soulless, lepure-like person and the individual is reduced to nothing but that. To someone who thinks like that, they may have a difficult time understanding why I feel the way I do. They are seen as 100% bad with no other layers to who they are and in some people’s minds that’s it cut and dry. I do think that some people fall so far down that they do begin to lose their souls and their minds, but realistically many addicts are more complex than the stereotype. I’m admittedly biased towards by wife. I wouldn’t want to be in 20 feet of a dirty, street-dwelling heroin addicted woman turning tricks for a fix. I don’t think that my wife, when she’s using, would be anymore trustworthy with a newborn baby than that street woman though. And I am terrified of my wife becoming that woman one day. For now, she still has a soul and her mind and emotions are still there and constantly conflicted and struggling. She isn’t “evil,” but is she a fit mother right now? No.

I also can’t claim that she’s the most functional addict out there. She’s no longer employed because of her issues and normally spends about 5 hours in the middle of the day passed out in bed which is enraging. She’s now gone 3 or 4 days without taking a nap and it’s like a major achievement for her which is just terribly depressing.

First off, I want to say that no matter what your wife looks like, as an addict she is completely and utterly ONLY concerned with HERSELF. That's whether she is using or not. She is always going to be totally self-absorbed. That is the thing about addiction, it changes the person inside. And even if she never uses drugs again, it will probably be very hard having a truly connected relationship with her.

Secondly, heroin addicts are NOT ever "functional"...that's just not what heroin allows. The chemical changes that happened in her body are very disrupting, and it's slow to go back to normal levels once stopped. Pregnancy is going to intensify her exhaustion.

 

[lp86]

First off, I want to say that no matter what your wife looks like, as an addict she is completely and utterly ONLY concerned with HERSELF. That's whether she is using or not. She is always going to be totally self-absorbed. That is the thing about addiction, it changes the person inside. And even if she never uses drugs again, it will probably be very hard having a truly connected relationship with her.

Secondly, heroin addicts are NOT ever "functional"...that's just not what heroin allows. The chemical changes that happened in her body are very disrupting, and it's slow to go back to normal levels once stopped. Pregnancy is going to intensify her exhaustion.

You don’t need to tell me things like I haven’t been living with this ever day for the past 3 years.

You’re right in that she and her drugs are the number one priority when she’s actively using. I think it’s unfair to say that it’s true whether she’s using or not. She’ll forever be an addict no matter what and that part won’t change. There will never be a magical switch that will cure her and her brain chemistry is definitely forever altered. It’s scary, no doubt. She was an addict when I married her, even though she wasn’t using. But for those years that she was clean and committed to it, she was a warm, loving, caring, compassionate person capable of putting other people first. I think she could be that way again if she could get back to that spot she was at during the peak of her sobriety. But I know statistics for long term recovery from heroin use are incredibly low. I saw how quickly the relapse happened this time and it’s not as if there is any warning. I don’t know that I can live that way even if she gets clean and I’m terrified about what that would do to a child. There’s just still such a big part of me that doesn’t want to abandon her and I know I have to stop thinking that way and framing it like that.

Some heroin addicts are able to function to a certain degree in that they may be able to hold a job, keep a home, keep their addiction hidden from most people. They can maintain a facade and get through day to day life somehow. They don’t function as a normal, non-addict would and their lives still totally revolve around there drug. It typically isn’t sustainable, but there are some people that manage to somehow function that way for years or even decades. These people are not anymore trustworthy to take care of another human being that somebody living on the street though, imo, but some do take care of dependents on this level.

My wife did maintain a job for a year into this current period of her usage, still went out of the house and did things, took care of the basics. She wasn’t perfect but she “functioned” well enough on the surface. I was really trying express that I was not trying to claim that she was a special snowflake, super high functioning addict who wasn’t a mess.

 

[TexasMom1216]

I really feel for you, OP. This is a tough situation. 😟

 

[LisaDiane]

You don’t need to tell me things like I haven’t been living with this ever day for the past 3 years.

Well, I'm not only posting to YOU, I am posting for anyone who is reading this.

 

[lp86]

Well, I'm not only posting to YOU, I am posting for anyone who is reading this.

I apologize for my reaction and didn’t mean for it to come off as harsh as it probably did. I am constantly being “educated” about addiction by people who have no clue what they’re talking about (not that this pertains to you), as if I haven’t been dealing with it every day and spending probably hundreds of hours at this point reading about and researching it myself. I know they all mean well as I’m sure everyone here does as well.

I am going to step away for a bit and focus my mind on work. God knows I’m going to need the money since she’s destroyed our savings and retirement funds. I’ve set up accounts that she doesn’t have access to and am working on rebuilding my finances.

 

[LisaDiane]

I apologize for my reaction and didn’t mean for it to come off as harsh as it probably did. I am constantly being “educated” about addiction by people who have no clue what they’re talking about (not that this pertains to you), as if I haven’t been dealing with it every day and spending probably hundreds of hours at this point reading about and researching it myself. I know they all mean well as I’m sure everyone here does as well.

I am going to step away for a bit and focus my mind on work. God knows I’m going to need the money since she’s destroyed our savings and retirement funds. I’ve set up accounts that she doesn’t have access to and am working on rebuilding my finances.

Thank you for saying that, but don't worry, you didn't upset me at all...believe me, I know what you are going through and I know how raw and harsh everything that you are dealing with is making you!!!

I was only trying to explain so you knew what my real intentions were/are.

And as always, if you read anything by me or anyone else that isn't helpful, just scroll past it and ignore it. No one here would be offended -- take what helps you and skip the rest!

And I have to say, you sound much stronger and in reality than many of the posters who have come here with addicted spouses before, so it sounds like you are at least ahead of everything so far in that way.
It's a hard road to be on.

 

[David60525]

So the short version of my story is that I'm at the point of feeling like I have to divorce my wife while she is pregnant with our first child. I feel like a jerk.

I'll go ahead and word vomit the long version here in more detail. Forgive me, because this is all stuff that I largely keep to myself and don't generally discuss frequently in great detail.

I'm 35 and my wife is 29, married for 4 years.My wife is addicted to heroin. I myself don't use drugs, never have. I've smoked pot and sure I experimented with other things in high school and college, but never the hard stuff. Everyone naturally assumes that I must be an addict too because why would I marry this woman otherwise? My wife's from a good family, is educated, physically beautiful, but she's a junkie. It hurts to say that and it took me a long time to be able to say it to myself let alone out loud, but that's what she is these days. Her addiction started long before she met me, but she'd been clean for a number of years by then. She didn't tell me about her past problems until we were well into a relationship and by that time I was in love with her. She didn't look or act like what I imagined a typical heroin addict would look and act like. She convinced me it was well in the past and she had control over it and I'm really not that naive but I allowed myself to just be deluded into believing that somehow things would be different for her and it would never be a problem for her again. Looking at her, back then, you couldn't imagine this girl putting that stuff in her body. She worked out, ate healthy, had a good job and seemed "together" in practically every way.

About a year into our marriage she relapsed and started using again. She couldn't keep it hidden from me for long. Looking back, I probably should have just realized that it was hopeless ad left her then before I could get mentally screwed up and sucked in by all of it.But I didn't leave. I stayed and got angry and bitter. We fought a lot, but then other times she seemed normal and those moment were enough to keep me hanging on. She agreed to go to rehab (actually went 2 times). I've done the naranon meetings and chat groups and stuff in the past. She's had blips of being clean over the past 3 years, but it never lasts.

A month ago she confesses to me she's 12 weeks pregnant, had known about it for over a month, and had been using heroin the entire time. The level of disgust and rage I had is beyond what I can put into words. I can't tell you if it was more at her or at myself for staying with her all this time, for having sex with her, for allowing this to happen.

I've moved out of our house because I just couldn't be around her. I'm paying all of the household bills for our home while she stays there. Ridiculous, I know. I just feel better knowing that she's there then somewhere else. She's unisder a doctor's care now and is no longer using heroin - it's been replaced with Suboxone (by prescription), which has been determined to be the safest thing for the pregnancy. She's cried to me multiple times about how sorry she is, how she hates herself, that she's disgusted with herself. I do believe that she feels that way but it doesn't change what she's done or solve the problems she has.

So now I'm at the point of realizing that for my own sanity I probably have to divorce her. I know it probably sounds crazy, but I don't want to divorce her. What I want is for her to get clean, stay clean, and to raise our child together. It's a lot to ask for and I'm not sure I can go on with this relationship knowing that no matter how great it seems, and it was really great for those first few years, it could all go to hell at any time. I know all about co-dependence and I'm not saying I'm not affected by that, but I felt this way about her before she started using again, so it can't all be chalked up to that. I also worry about divorcing her and having to share custody of this child. I'm not sure I'll be able to stand not knowing what is going on when our baby is with her. If she can knowlingly shoot up while pregnant what's going to step her from doing anything if the craving strikes when there's an actual child there with her?

I know this is a marriage forum and not an addiction forum. I tried to find some sort of active addiction support forum and couldn't find any that got more than one or two posts a day, if that. I don't really want to talk about my situation from the addiction/12 step/co-dependent lense. Not to ignore any of those aspects, but I'm really just depressed about what's happened to my wife, to our marriage, to our future. At the core of it, I'm just struggling with the idea of realizing that I probably have to divorce her for my own sanity and possibly for her own sake, even though it's not what my heart wants to do. Addiction can't possibly be the only reason someone could find themselves in this position. How do you finally take that definitive step when your head is telling you one thing and your heart is screaming at youto not do it? And I've said all this and not even touched on the crazy world of custody issues and all of the unknowns and frustrating information I've gathered thus far on that front.

Get out and get custody.

 

[gold5932]

I get where you are coming from as I lived with an alcoholic for 40 years. You couldn't tell, he was really great for awhile. None of his family would help, didn't actually believe me how bad it was. Trust me on this, it doesn't matter if she ever uses again, you will be living in fear she will. Odds are she will use. So now you've tied yourself to her for at least the next 18 years maybe 21.

I divorced my ex a couple of years before he died at 64, the most awful way you can imagine. And he knew what his death would be like. He went to treatment twice and most of the people in treatment were there for heroin. Out of his "class" 5 years ago, 2 people are alive.

Heroin is the worst and maybe she'll kick it but you can't just hope for that. There's an organization sister to Al-Anon called Nar-Anon. I think it's a step program. Maybe for your own sanity you should give this a try. I wish you luck and if you ever need to reach out, feel free.

 

[Rob_1]

Get out and get custody.

That's basically the message that most everyone is trying to convey to him.
Someday at his own time, he will come to the same realization that we all have come to realize.

Let's just all hope that his wife is one of those very few ones that makes through. That would be a awesome thing to happen.

 

[Evinrude58]

In no way did I mean that she is any less addicted, physically and mentally dependent, or controlled by her addiction than any other addict, nor anymore trustworthy when actively using.

I think to some people there is just one image of an addict, as this evil, soulless, lepure-like person and the individual is reduced to nothing but that. To someone who thinks like that, they may have a difficult time understanding why I feel the way I do. They are seen as 100% bad with no other layers to who they are and in some people’s minds that’s it cut and dry. I do think that some people fall so far down that they do begin to lose their souls and their minds, but realistically many addicts are more complex than the stereotype. I’m admittedly biased towards by wife. I wouldn’t want to be in 20 feet of a dirty, street-dwelling heroin addicted woman turning tricks for a fix. I don’t think that my wife, when she’s using, would be anymore trustworthy with a newborn baby than that street woman though. And I am terrified of my wife becoming that woman one day. For now, she still has a soul and her mind and emotions are still there and constantly conflicted and struggling. She isn’t “evil,” but is she a fit mother right now? No.

I also can’t claim that she’s the most functional addict out there. She’s no longer employed because of her issues and normally spends about 5 hours in the middle of the day passed out in bed which is enraging. She’s now gone 3 or 4 days without taking a nap and it’s like a major achievement for her which is just terribly depressing.

You are not seeing your wife as who she is NOW. I have known addicts. I’ve kniw addicts like your wife that seem to hide their addiction better than others. However, addicts will lie, they will use people until they get down to using the people they love the most and eventually burn every bridge in their life.

What you are saying is exactly what every other person who loved an addict has said. She’s more than x, y, or z. She has so many layers. She’s not this it that.

I urge you to find an addiction support group so you can get some help, some perspective, and emotionally detach from your wife so you can protect yourself and your baby from her.

Once she got addicted to heroin, she became a different person who, whether you agree or not, us most definitely capable of regressing to that base figure you had in your mind.
You can’t possibly grasp what you’re dealing with because you’re not an addict.

My advice in a nutshell. Protect yourself and the baby as much as is in your power to do so. And do it in an emotionless (she will say ruthless) manner. If you are strong enough to do this, you’ll have helped your wife far more than you will ever know. If you give in to having compassion for her and giving her one nanometer of slack, you will only allow her to take a thousand miles and fall right back into what she has been except worse.

Heroin addiction usually eventually kills people. And it also destroys the people that the addict takes down with them.

As said, your wife is not a special snowflake. She’s just an addict that will act as an addict if allowed to do so. She is no longer in control of herself. She needs you to do that for her. Either do it or don’t do it. No in between here.

Every man in love with a woman sees her as special. It’s not your fault. You need to get with a support group and educate yourself on how to work through this, if it’s possible she is wanting to change.

 

[lp86]

We will be going to get the paternity test done this morning and by this time next week I should have a definite answer. I’m not too worried about it but you know it’s one of those thing that the more you think about it the more you start to worry.

She texted early this morning because she was so out of it from the drug she’s on now that she accidentally took our dog’s medication instead of giving it to the dog She was a little concerned but somehow found it comical. I didn’t find it funny at all. I just can’t stop thinking about what would happen if she accidentally gave the wrong medication to a kid because she was so out of it.