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you have no choice but to divorce. If you haven’t seen an attorney while you KNOW your wife is poisoning your own child, your weakness and inability to make decisions makes you a poor dad.

My advice:
See an attorney.
Get your wife thrown in jail where the baby MIGHT have a chance at a normal life.
Divorce your wife immediately.

Even if this isn’t your baby (likely it isn’t), you should still try to save it from its own mother.

there is no way to have a marriage to a heroin addict. It’s impossible. Why have you done nothing? It’s wayyyyyyy past time.
 

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You’re not totally wrong, about me at least.

As far as her poisoning the baby, yes she did. What she’s doing now is not ideal in the sense that there are still opiates pumping through the baby’s system which wouldn’t be a thing if she hadn’t been using heroin in the first place, but it’s the safest option given the circumstances. For those who aren’t aware, it is not advised to completely withdraw from opiates when pregnant. That is what she’d prefer to do now and I believe she’s genuine. She doesn’t enjoy the way the Suboxone makes her feel and she does feel guilt and shame about doing it to the baby. If she continues to take only what is prescribed, at least there is good chance the baby will go to term, be in a normal weight range, experience milder and shorter withdraw, and possibly not have any withdraw symptoms if we get really really lucky. I don’t say any of this to defend her, but I know that most people thankfully don’t have experience with this and might not be aware that this is what the experts advise.
It’s so sad. I totally agree with what you’re saying. Your wife is likely not some monster, but she’s an addict. You love your wife.
It would be awesome if she’d stop the heroin.
 

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In no way did I mean that she is any less addicted, physically and mentally dependent, or controlled by her addiction than any other addict, nor anymore trustworthy when actively using.

I think to some people there is just one image of an addict, as this evil, soulless, lepure-like person and the individual is reduced to nothing but that. To someone who thinks like that, they may have a difficult time understanding why I feel the way I do. They are seen as 100% bad with no other layers to who they are and in some people’s minds that’s it cut and dry. I do think that some people fall so far down that they do begin to lose their souls and their minds, but realistically many addicts are more complex than the stereotype. I’m admittedly biased towards by wife. I wouldn’t want to be in 20 feet of a dirty, street-dwelling heroin addicted woman turning tricks for a fix. I don’t think that my wife, when she’s using, would be anymore trustworthy with a newborn baby than that street woman though. And I am terrified of my wife becoming that woman one day. For now, she still has a soul and her mind and emotions are still there and constantly conflicted and struggling. She isn’t “evil,” but is she a fit mother right now? No.

I also can’t claim that she’s the most functional addict out there. She’s no longer employed because of her issues and normally spends about 5 hours in the middle of the day passed out in bed which is enraging. She’s now gone 3 or 4 days without taking a nap and it’s like a major achievement for her which is just terribly depressing.
You are not seeing your wife as who she is NOW. I have known addicts. I’ve kniw addicts like your wife that seem to hide their addiction better than others. However, addicts will lie, they will use people until they get down to using the people they love the most and eventually burn every bridge in their life.

What you are saying is exactly what every other person who loved an addict has said. She’s more than x, y, or z. She has so many layers. She’s not this it that.

I urge you to find an addiction support group so you can get some help, some perspective, and emotionally detach from your wife so you can protect yourself and your baby from her.

Once she got addicted to heroin, she became a different person who, whether you agree or not, us most definitely capable of regressing to that base figure you had in your mind.
You can’t possibly grasp what you’re dealing with because you’re not an addict.

My advice in a nutshell. Protect yourself and the baby as much as is in your power to do so. And do it in an emotionless (she will say ruthless) manner. If you are strong enough to do this, you’ll have helped your wife far more than you will ever know. If you give in to having compassion for her and giving her one nanometer of slack, you will only allow her to take a thousand miles and fall right back into what she has been except worse.

Heroin addiction usually eventually kills people. And it also destroys the people that the addict takes down with them.

As said, your wife is not a special snowflake. She’s just an addict that will act as an addict if allowed to do so. She is no longer in control of herself. She needs you to do that for her. Either do it or don’t do it. No in between here.

Every man in love with a woman sees her as special. It’s not your fault. You need to get with a support group and educate yourself on how to work through this, if it’s possible she is wanting to change.
 

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Just my opinion, but considering she’s on drugs now, has done heroin during the pregnancy, and accidentally takes dog pills (if heartworm preventative it was probably ivermectin, if dewormer, probably poison….

I would not bring a baby into the world that is addicted to drugs and sure have behavioral and cognitive Disorders. Life is hard enough without being born with at best, major handicaps. Just my opinion.

Even if the baby is not yours, I think she should terminate the pregnancy. This is crazy to do this unmerciful thing child. I think what she has done should be criminal.

listen to what you’ve said. She’s ONLY OD’d once since you’ve known her. Dude, how many times is too many?

You aren’t just ruining your life by staying with this woman. You enabling her is going to ruin that baby’s life as well.

She was LAUGHING about taking dog medicine accidentally while pregnant. Normal people would be in tears and at the hospital begging to verify that the dog medicine wasn’t harmful to her baby. Your wife is absolutely an unfit mother and has no business having a child.
 

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The only response I have is that you said you have to accept things abd have no control over it. I think you do have some control. You have a proven, indisputable addict on your hands. Right now, there is not a judge in the world that wouldn’t grant you a fair divorce and give you full custody of the baby.

You would then have total control over your life. I urge you to do that. Stop sitting in your hands and “ accepting“ things abd saying you have no control. That’s been your entire problem all along. You’ve accepted the unacceptable.
 

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Bolded and underlined is not good advice. Jails are one of the most unsafe places for a pregnant woman, particularly for an addict. They will not be watching out to make sure she gets her suboxone, and she won’t get great prenatal care. And if there is an emergency it’s possible she could be ignored until it’s too late.

She is more than likely going to be considered a high risk pregnancy, and in order to make sure that baby has the best chance she needs quality health care and nutrition. She won’t get either in jail.

I do fully agree with the other two pieces of advice.
What you said seems logical and now that I’ve read more of the OP’s logic and yours, I agree. I mainly meant after having the baby, but either way. I really think it’s a shame to bring a baby who is addicted to heroin into the world.
 

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I’ve skimmed some of that thread.

The problem right now is that I never want her to be left alone with the baby. So any sort of custody agreement that would allow that is just not something I can be comfortable with. I know I sound like a control freak. Last night I read an article about over 100 babies who died after being sent home from the hospital with their drug dependent mothers. Many of them were suffocated when mom passed out on top of them. One was accidentally thrown in the washer with a load of dirty clothes because mom was so out of it. It’s got me pretty shaken.
I don’t think you’re being a control freak at all.
the only thing that I wonder about is how an apparently clear headed, normal guy can only now be considering divorcing a long time heroin addict that’s now pregnant.

you seem so logical and together. How did it get this far?
 
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