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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
So the short version of my story is that I'm at the point of feeling like I have to divorce my wife while she is pregnant with our first child. I feel like a jerk.

I'll go ahead and word vomit the long version here in more detail. Forgive me, because this is all stuff that I largely keep to myself and don't generally discuss frequently in great detail.

I'm 35 and my wife is 29, married for 4 years.My wife is addicted to heroin. I myself don't use drugs, never have. I've smoked pot and sure I experimented with other things in high school and college, but never the hard stuff. Everyone naturally assumes that I must be an addict too because why would I marry this woman otherwise? My wife's from a good family, is educated, physically beautiful, but she's a junkie. It hurts to say that and it took me a long time to be able to say it to myself let alone out loud, but that's what she is these days. Her addiction started long before she met me, but she'd been clean for a number of years by then. She didn't tell me about her past problems until we were well into a relationship and by that time I was in love with her. She didn't look or act like what I imagined a typical heroin addict would look and act like. She convinced me it was well in the past and she had control over it and I'm really not that naive but I allowed myself to just be deluded into believing that somehow things would be different for her and it would never be a problem for her again. Looking at her, back then, you couldn't imagine this girl putting that stuff in her body. She worked out, ate healthy, had a good job and seemed "together" in practically every way.

About a year into our marriage she relapsed and started using again. She couldn't keep it hidden from me for long. Looking back, I probably should have just realized that it was hopeless ad left her then before I could get mentally screwed up and sucked in by all of it.But I didn't leave. I stayed and got angry and bitter. We fought a lot, but then other times she seemed normal and those moment were enough to keep me hanging on. She agreed to go to rehab (actually went 2 times). I've done the naranon meetings and chat groups and stuff in the past. She's had blips of being clean over the past 3 years, but it never lasts.

A month ago she confesses to me she's 12 weeks pregnant, had known about it for over a month, and had been using heroin the entire time. The level of disgust and rage I had is beyond what I can put into words. I can't tell you if it was more at her or at myself for staying with her all this time, for having sex with her, for allowing this to happen.

I've moved out of our house because I just couldn't be around her. I'm paying all of the household bills for our home while she stays there. Ridiculous, I know. I just feel better knowing that she's there then somewhere else. She's unisder a doctor's care now and is no longer using heroin - it's been replaced with Suboxone (by prescription), which has been determined to be the safest thing for the pregnancy. She's cried to me multiple times about how sorry she is, how she hates herself, that she's disgusted with herself. I do believe that she feels that way but it doesn't change what she's done or solve the problems she has.

So now I'm at the point of realizing that for my own sanity I probably have to divorce her. I know it probably sounds crazy, but I don't want to divorce her. What I want is for her to get clean, stay clean, and to raise our child together. It's a lot to ask for and I'm not sure I can go on with this relationship knowing that no matter how great it seems, and it was really great for those first few years, it could all go to hell at any time. I know all about co-dependence and I'm not saying I'm not affected by that, but I felt this way about her before she started using again, so it can't all be chalked up to that. I also worry about divorcing her and having to share custody of this child. I'm not sure I'll be able to stand not knowing what is going on when our baby is with her. If she can knowlingly shoot up while pregnant what's going to step her from doing anything if the craving strikes when there's an actual child there with her?

I know this is a marriage forum and not an addiction forum. I tried to find some sort of active addiction support forum and couldn't find any that got more than one or two posts a day, if that. I don't really want to talk about my situation from the addiction/12 step/co-dependent lense. Not to ignore any of those aspects, but I'm really just depressed about what's happened to my wife, to our marriage, to our future. At the core of it, I'm just struggling with the idea of realizing that I probably have to divorce her for my own sanity and possibly for her own sake, even though it's not what my heart wants to do. Addiction can't possibly be the only reason someone could find themselves in this position. How do you finally take that definitive step when your head is telling you one thing and your heart is screaming at youto not do it? And I've said all this and not even touched on the crazy world of custody issues and all of the unknowns and frustrating information I've gathered thus far on that front.
 

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So the short version of my story is that I'm at the point of feeling like I have to divorce my wife while she is pregnant with our first child. I feel like a jerk.

I'll go ahead and word vomit the long version here in more detail. Forgive me, because this is all stuff that I largely keep to myself and don't generally discuss frequently in great detail.

I'm 35 and my wife is 29, married for 4 years.My wife is addicted to heroin. I myself don't use drugs, never have. I've smoked pot and sure I experimented with other things in high school and college, but never the hard stuff. Everyone naturally assumes that I must be an addict too because why would I marry this woman otherwise? My wife's from a good family, is educated, physically beautiful, but she's a junkie. It hurts to say that and it took me a long time to be able to say it to myself let alone out loud, but that's what she is these days. Her addiction started long before she met me, but she'd been clean for a number of years by then. She didn't tell me about her past problems until we were well into a relationship and by that time I was in love with her. She didn't look or act like what I imagined a typical heroin addict would look and act like. She convinced me it was well in the past and she had control over it and I'm really not that naive but I allowed myself to just be deluded into believing that somehow things would be different for her and it would never be a problem for her again. Looking at her, back then, you couldn't imagine this girl putting that stuff in her body. She worked out, ate healthy, had a good job and seemed "together" in practically every way.

About a year into our marriage she relapsed and started using again. She couldn't keep it hidden from me for long. Looking back, I probably should have just realized that it was hopeless ad left her then before I could get mentally screwed up and sucked in by all of it.But I didn't leave. I stayed and got angry and bitter. We fought a lot, but then other times she seemed normal and those moment were enough to keep me hanging on. She agreed to go to rehab (actually went 2 times). I've done the naranon meetings and chat groups and stuff in the past. She's had blips of being clean over the past 3 years, but it never lasts.

A month ago she confesses to me she's 12 weeks pregnant, had known about it for over a month, and had been using heroin the entire time. The level of disgust and rage I had is beyond what I can put into words. I can't tell you if it was more at her or at myself for staying with her all this time, for having sex with her, for allowing this to happen.

I've moved out of our house because I just couldn't be around her. I'm paying all of the household bills for our home while she stays there. Ridiculous, I know. I just feel better knowing that she's there then somewhere else. She's unisder a doctor's care now and is no longer using heroin - it's been replaced with Suboxone (by prescription), which has been determined to be the safest thing for the pregnancy. She's cried to me multiple times about how sorry she is, how she hates herself, that she's disgusted with herself. I do believe that she feels that way but it doesn't change what she's done or solve the problems she has.

So now I'm at the point of realizing that for my own sanity I probably have to divorce her. I know it probably sounds crazy, but I don't want to divorce her. What I want is for her to get clean, stay clean, and to raise our child together. It's a lot to ask for and I'm not sure I can go on with this relationship knowing that no matter how great it seems, and it was really great for those first few years, it could all go to hell at any time. I know all about co-dependence and I'm not saying I'm not affected by that, but I felt this way about her before she started using again, so it can't all be chalked up to that. I also worry about divorcing her and having to share custody of this child. I'm not sure I'll be able to stand not knowing what is going on when our baby is with her. If she can knowlingly shoot up while pregnant what's going to step her from doing anything if the craving strikes when there's an actual child there with her?

I know this is a marriage forum and not an addiction forum. I tried to find some sort of active addiction support forum and couldn't find any that got more than one or two posts a day, if that. I don't really want to talk about my situation from the addiction/12 step/co-dependent lense. Not to ignore any of those aspects, but I'm really just depressed about what's happened to my wife, to our marriage, to our future. At the core of it, I'm just struggling with the idea of realizing that I probably have to divorce her for my own sanity and possibly for her own sake, even though it's not what my heart wants to do. Addiction can't possibly be the only reason someone could find themselves in this position. How do you finally take that definitive step when your head is telling you one thing and your heart is screaming at youto not do it? And I've said all this and not even touched on the crazy world of custody issues and all of the unknowns and frustrating information I've gathered thus far on that front.
@lp86 I can‘t really add any advice, this is way out of my league. But I wanted to mention that TAM has an addition forum that may be of some help you, as a resource if nothing else:


Personally it seems to me that you’ve done all the right things here. Sometimes a person with an addiction can drag you down with them if you’re not careful. Also, no offense intended but it might be worthwhile to verify the child is yours. As you know, addicts will go to great lengths to feed their addiction.

Best of luck to you!
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
@lp86 I can‘t really add any advice, this is way out of my league. But I wanted to mention that TAM has an addition forum that may be of some help you, as a resource if nothing else:


Personally it seems to me that you’ve done all the right things here. Sometimes a person with an addiction can drag you down with them if you’re not careful. Also, no offense intended but it might be worthwhile to verify the child is yours. As you know, addicts will go to great lengths to feed their addiction.

Best of luck to you!
Right, I know this is a bit heavy but I appreciate the response.

No offense taken regarding the paternity comment. Almost everyone I know in real life who is aware of the situation has said the same thing and it's already on my list to do. I don't really think anything like that has been happening but nothing is impossible.
 

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Right, I know this is a bit heavy but I appreciate the response.

No offense taken regarding the paternity comment. Almost everyone I know in real life who is aware of the situation has said the same thing and it's already on my list to do. I don't really think anything like that has been happening but nothing is impossible.
Just in case you decide to verify that the baby is yours. You can get a paternity test before the baby is born, once ten weeks have passed a blood sample from both of you can be tested.
Good luck whatever you decide to do.
 

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@lp86 I can‘t really add any advice, this is way out of my league. But I wanted to mention that TAM has an addition forum that may be of some help you, as a resource if nothing else:


Personally it seems to me that you’ve done all the right things here. Sometimes a person with an addiction can drag you down with them if you’re not careful. Also, no offense intended but it might be worthwhile to verify the child is yours. As you know, addicts will go to great lengths to feed their addiction.

Best of luck to you!
I was a parole officer and I had one guy that was a co-founder of the arian circle gang. He said once, he kind of scares himself at the degrading things he makes these girls in their 20s do for dope. If they don't have money, he will have them screw other guys or multiple guys for the dope.
 

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I was a parole officer and I had one guy that was a co-founder of the arian circle gang. He said once, he kind of scares himself at the degrading things he makes these girls in their 20s do for dope. If they don't have money, he will have them screw other guys or multiple guys for the dope.
When I read the OP I was reminded of another story of adultery here (I think it was?).

The OP in that situation was much like this OP…the wife had been addicted and fell off the wagon after marriage. In that case she was funding her addiction by keeping the dealer and all his ‘clients’ happy. The OP was devastated. Even after a seemingly full recovery in rehab, the WW immediately went back to the drugs and horrible lifestyle.

Tragic story, I hope none of that repeats here. Addiction is a terrible thing.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Just in case you decide to verify that the baby is yours. You can get a paternity test before the baby is born, once ten weeks have passed a blood sample from both of you can be tested.
Good luck whatever you decide to do.
I’ve already looked into it and it can actually be done as early as 7 weeks. Sounds like they only need a blood sample from her and a cheek swab from me. She threw a fit when I suggested it. She doesn’t want to go to “one of those places” and have to get her blood drawn like she doesn’t know who the father is because, she says, she isn’t confused and there’s no other possibility but me. You think I want to have to go somewhere to give my DNA because I can’t trust my wife? Of course I don’t but you do what needs to be done in this situation. If there’s nothing to hide then just suck it up and do it, but she’s still largely in her selfish mindset right now and she does have a fair amount of shame about her addiction and everything that surrounds it so from that end I can understand some of her feelings. So I decided not to push it anymore when she freaked out about it and am hoping once her mind clears a bit more I can convince her.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
I was a parole officer and I had one guy that was a co-founder of the arian circle gang. He said once, he kind of scares himself at the degrading things he makes these girls in their 20s do for dope. If they don't have money, he will have them screw other guys or multiple guys for the dope.
It definitely happens. Some of the things I’ve heard from other people are even worse - much worse, sickening beyond belief in some cases. The desperation is next level. I can’t say that I’m entirely convinced that sexual favors were never done in exchange in my wife’s case when she was younger. She denies it and I do know where a good chunk of the money came from but I try not to even let my mind go there as far as anything that happened before I even knew her. This time around she’s just financially ruined us.
 

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I’ve already looked into it and it can actually be done as early as 7 weeks. Sounds like they only need a blood sample from her and a cheek swab from me. She threw a fit when I suggested it. She doesn’t want to go to “one of those places” and have to get her blood drawn like she doesn’t know who the father is because, she says, she isn’t confused and there’s no other possibility but me. You think I want to have to go somewhere to give my DNA because I can’t trust my wife? Of course I don’t but you do what needs to be done in this situation. If there’s nothing to hide then just suck it up and do it, but she’s still largely in her selfish mindset right now and she does have a fair amount of shame about her addiction and everything that surrounds it so from that end I can understand some of her feelings. So I decided not to push it anymore when she freaked out about it and am hoping once her mind clears a bit more I can convince her.
It isn't that you don't trust your wife, you don't trust a addict. Maybe she doesn't realize it, but you can't believe one single thing an addict tells you, not a single thing.

I'm curious, did her heroin addiction start with a prescription opioid problem?
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
It isn't that you don't trust your wife, you don't trust a addict. Maybe she doesn't realize it, but you can't believe one single thing an addict tells you, not a single thing.

I'm curious, did her heroin addiction start with a prescription opioid problem?
She was prescribed opioid painkillers after a sports injury when she was 16. That’s how this all started. She has transitioned to heroin by the time she was 18.
 

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She was prescribed opioid painkillers after a sports injury when she was 16. That’s how this all started. She has transitioned to heroin by the time she was 18.
Sadly a far too common story. I think divorce and going for primary custody is your best course of action. Do you have any desire to make things work now, or maybe in the future if she gets clean and stays that way?
 

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One of the things you need to talk with the Dr. is the probabilities of the child being borne with issues due to the developing fetus being fed drugs. tests should be done to verify this and its consequences for that child if it gets to be borne.

As a junkie. she's in contact with some undesirable individuals where the regular "modus operandi" is to have sex with the female junkie in order for her to get the drug or better deals, so paternity of that child should be established if not voluntarily, then by court order.

And yes, you need to divorce her. If you don't, shame on you. What eventually will be waiting for you won't be pretty, and you would deserve every bit of it for being stupid enough to stay.
 

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I’ve already looked into it and it can actually be done as early as 7 weeks. Sounds like they only need a blood sample from her and a cheek swab from me. She threw a fit when I suggested it. She doesn’t want to go to “one of those places” and have to get her blood drawn like she doesn’t know who the father is because, she says, she isn’t confused and there’s no other possibility but me. You think I want to have to go somewhere to give my DNA because I can’t trust my wife? Of course I don’t but you do what needs to be done in this situation. If there’s nothing to hide then just suck it up and do it, but she’s still largely in her selfish mindset right now and she does have a fair amount of shame about her addiction and everything that surrounds it so from that end I can understand some of her feelings. So I decided not to push it anymore when she freaked out about it and am hoping once her mind clears a bit more I can convince her.
If she freaked out about it, that is all the more reason to do it and a poly too.
 

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Where does an every day person even go to get a polygraph done? I can legally enforce a paternity test once the baby is born but a polygraph? She will never agree to that.
I don't think the polygraph is necessary for your situation. Usually people recommend them when someone is considering reconciling after cheating. But in your situation, it's not even about cheating...you simply cannot stay attached to an addict in any way without polluting and damaging your life as well. You really MUST divorce, or you will be wasting your whole life dealing with the turmoil and self-destruction that she causes.

Does she know that you are going to legally enforce a paternity test if she doesn't cooperate and get one herself?
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
If you do leave please do all you can to protect the child from the drug taking etc.. Get legal advise about getting custody.
I think this needs to be my priority whether I leave her or not.

If I divorce her a petition for custody and she fights it, there is a good chance that I can get court ordered drug tests included as part of the deal. Since our baby will be born addicted to opiates, I think there is strong grounds and probably cause did the courts to require regular drug testing as part of any custody agreement, but scarily enough there’s no guarantee that this will be required of her unless she screws up and gets arrested or something.
 

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Where does an every day person even go to get a polygraph done? I can legally enforce a paternity test once the baby is born but a polygraph? She will never agree to that.
Don’t bother with a polygraph. Someone who is a habitual liar can pass them without difficulty. And believe me she’s a habitual liar.
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
I don't think the polygraph is necessary for your situation. Usually people recommend them when someone is considering reconciling after cheating. But in your situation, it's not even about cheating...you simply cannot stay attached to an addict in any way without polluting and damaging your life as well. You really MUST divorce, or you will be wasting your whole life dealing with the turmoil and self-destruction that she causes.

Does she know that you are going to legally enforce a paternity test if she doesn't cooperate and get one herself?
I honestly probably don’t even want to know the truth to everything she’s probably lied about.

She knows I will find out the paternity after the baby is born if she doesn’t agree to it before. I won’t even need a court order at that point just to get a dna test for my own knowledge. She’s going to make me as the father and I will be the presumed father at that point and if I want to swab the inside of ‘my’ child’s cheek I’ll have every right to do it. She said it’s fine and I can do it then but that I’m being “ridiculous” and she will not go get her blood drawn for it. I just don’t get that thought process. Why not just settle it right now? We could know in as little as 3 days! We’ll see what she says when I meet her for her next doctor’s appointment tomorrow.
 
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