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Hi all. I am a 42yo female in a relationship with my husband for 16 years (married for 11). He has a 19yo daughter who lives in our town (previously has lived with us for two years, but the conflict between her and I was too much and she moved out to go flatting at 17). Husband is very needy. He wants my attention all the time. He gets sulky when I go out with my friends or if I am on Facebook or texting on the phone at night when I get home. He gets sulky if I am not affectionate (touching) towards him on a daily basis. He gets sulky if we do not have sex for two days (he would actually prefer it at least once a day, if not twice). I am jealous of the attention he gives to his daughter (and I have been to counselling for that) but i also acknowledge that she is his daughter and rather than my moodiness getting in the way, I will go and ride my horse. That way they can have some time together without my issues getting in the way. I come home most nights about 7.30pm (after working full time and riding my horse), and if I do not pay 100% attention to him after that (no reading books, watching TV or texting or Facebook) then he will get sulky and say that I would obviously prefer to spend time with my friends rather than him and will go and stomp off to another room. I am so tired of being scared of being home late or of him being upset with me. He would never hit me, he is not violent, but the silent treatment is pretty bad.

After all these years together (no children) what can we talk about? We don't seem to do very much together (except fight !). I don't feel that we have to be together all the time, just because we are married. I don't see that it is wrong for me to come home at night after riding my horse and maybe get on the phone or on the laptop or maybe read my book. I don't see that we have to be physically touching each other or talking to each other and attentive to each other all the time. Am I wrong ? The pressure for sex is just driving me further away.

I don't want to hurt his feelings by being blunt and telling him that he has to give me space. Has anyone been through this or can recommend some books / ideas for me ?

Please help :-
TIA
 

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Was he always like this? Or has it changed more recently?

To keep their relationship alive, a married couple should spend at least 15 hours a week together doing date-like things, just the two of them. This can be things like going for a walk, having coffee and just talking, a dinner date, etc. Things like watching movies and TV do not count because you are not paying attention to each other.

After those 15 hours together, the two of you should be free to do single activities by your selves or friends.

It’s very sad that you say that you don’t have anything to talk to him about. You say it as though that is acceptable. It’s not.

If my spouse said that to me and did nothing to help fix it I would seriously consider divorce. A life without interest conversation is just not a life. And who better to have it with than someone you love.

There are ways that you can bring back joint interests in life and once again have plenty to talk about.

One way is to find a joint activity that includes learning. Things such as taking classes together, the topics are endless: scuba diving, art, photography, some sport, and on and on. Once you get into something like you will have a lot to talk about.

You can read books together and discuss them. My husband and I would read book together. He’d read a chapter, then I, and back and forth. And we’d discuss the book as we went along. I loved it.

Another way is to search the web for conversation starters. Use those to get the conversation started.

Your relationship sounds stale. It’s not going to go well if you don’t do something. He has the right to want at least 15 hours a week of your time. Otherwise why be married at all.

You might want to take a look at the links in my signature block below for building a passionate marriage. Starting with “His Needs, Her Needs” would help the two of you a lot.
 

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I don't want to hurt his feelings by being blunt and telling him that he has to give me space.
=/ Well personally I would, but that's just me

You two don't really seem to do anything together, I hope I'm wrong. You mentioned horse-riding, why not introduce your husband to the hobby? Besides you can introduce archery to it and possibly make it more interesting for him.

It's great fun :)
Though you have to train your horse to get used to having a bow above him
 

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Hi all. I am a 42yo female in a relationship with my husband for 16 years (married for 11). He has a 19yo daughter who lives in our town (previously has lived with us for two years, but the conflict between her and I was too much and she moved out to go flatting at 17). Husband is very needy. He wants my attention all the time. He gets sulky when I go out with my friends or if I am on Facebook or texting on the phone at night when I get home. He gets sulky if I am not affectionate (touching) towards him on a daily basis. He gets sulky if we do not have sex for two days (he would actually prefer it at least once a day, if not twice). I am jealous of the attention he gives to his daughter (and I have been to counselling for that) but i also acknowledge that she is his daughter and rather than my moodiness getting in the way, I will go and ride my horse. That way they can have some time together without my issues getting in the way. I come home most nights about 7.30pm (after working full time and riding my horse), and if I do not pay 100% attention to him after that (no reading books, watching TV or texting or Facebook) then he will get sulky and say that I would obviously prefer to spend time with my friends rather than him and will go and stomp off to another room. I am so tired of being scared of being home late or of him being upset with me. He would never hit me, he is not violent, but the silent treatment is pretty bad.

After all these years together (no children) what can we talk about? We don't seem to do very much together (except fight !). I don't feel that we have to be together all the time, just because we are married. I don't see that it is wrong for me to come home at night after riding my horse and maybe get on the phone or on the laptop or maybe read my book. I don't see that we have to be physically touching each other or talking to each other and attentive to each other all the time. Am I wrong ? The pressure for sex is just driving me further away.

I don't want to hurt his feelings by being blunt and telling him that he has to give me space. Has anyone been through this or can recommend some books / ideas for me ?

Please help :-
TIA
I'm on your husband's end of the dilema. Meaning...my husband has literally said he doesn't understand why I think we have to do everything together or why I have to be a part of stuff he goes out and does. He's the one on his laptop or doing his photography stuff and I'm the one sitting there wishing he would spend more time with me.

I don't know...I always thought of marriage as having a partner and a best friend that you always want to be with. That's how it is for me. When my spouse is filling all his time with other things it feels like he's trying to avoid me. It ends up making me feel flawed or boring or something. Like there is something wrong with me and if I was more exciting he'd always want to be around me, and that puts a lot of pressure on me to try to think of ways to keep his attention.

I don't know why I don't understand he needs his space and needs to have his things he does without me. Everyone tells me I need to start living MY life and fill MY time with things I like to do, my own interests, but I like to be with him. Others call it obsessing over him, and maybe they are right, but I just love him and want to be with him and want to be the center of his world.

I don't know how it'll help explaining this to you...but that's my perspective.
 

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You haven't lost yourself. That would imply you're doing things for him that you don't want to do. You do what you please now and when he wants your attention you're annoyed and disgusted. His approach is all wrong. He should just ignore you for the next 3 months and go out an find something else to do. You just don't want to be married to him anymore and now your working on your excuse to bail. Oh I lost myself. Poor me....
 

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It doesn't sound like you're lost. It sounds like you don't wish to be married any longer.

Coming home to each other after a long day of being apart shouldn't be looked at as a downer. Especially if you haven't talked to each other at all during the day.
 

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Why are you distancing yourself from your husband? What's so stimulating/interesting about FaceBook? Do you want to get on the same page again? Do you still like your husband?
 

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It is interesting how you are very jealous of the attention he gives his daughter, but when he tries to give you attention, you find distractions like Facebook to get in the way.

It almost sounds like you fear intimacy - you crave it but push it away when it's offered to you.
 
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