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Hi,

I have posted here before, but didn't dig up my old thread to add to it.

My husband told me he was unhappy 11 weeks ago (married 5 months only).

I moved out of our apartment just under 9 weeks ago.

We have been seeing a marriage counselor for 7 sessions-one of which Nick didn't go to.

He (and now I am too) is trying to decide if our marriage is worth trying to be fixed. If our differences can be fixed and he can get back the "in love feeling" that he wants.

In marriage counseling, we have discovered that I have anxiety, especially when it comes to communicating. I grew up thinking I was not important to anyone including my parents. I grew up never complaining, and this drives Nick crazy. I refuse to even say that a meal at a restaurant tastes bad. All I can say is "It's OK." even if it is the worst thing I have ever eaten.

I filter everything I say to him, and other people. I have full conversations in my own brain, that I would NEVER dare to say out loud. And this drives Nick crazy. It has for a long time. He knows me and knows I hide stuff. Now we are finally getting to the root of our problems.

So, I decided I will say everything that pops into my brain when I am around him. And I have. I have gone as far as to say I think he is losing too much weight and I think it was for someone new when we are divorced (he assured me it was for his health). I have said he was controlling (he agreed), and many other things that I would NEVER say in our past.

I am starting to feel more confident in myself, and I have realized that if I share everything, it can't make things worse. At least I will not live with regrets. I will not have to think "What if I just said what I was thinking?"

So, our counselor thinks (and I agree) that we are in a standoff. We each need something from the other person, and are refusing to give it to the other first. We have been subconsciously withholding each others needs for years. One of us stopped first, and the other stopped after that. Now, we are at a standoff, and neither of us is happy. I just was never brave enough to admit it to myself or to him. But he was.

Our needs:
Him-intellectual and meaningful conversation
Me-affection/words of affirmation

Neither of us feels comfortable giving the other what they need because we do not feel close to each other, and giving this when we do not feel close is physically uncomfortable. I am nauseous with nervousness and anxiety about my conversation skills. He has said that the thought of holding me makes him sick.

MY/OUR PLAN:
At the exact same moment, he leans in to hold me, and I start the intellectual conversation. We both are "faking it." We both are uncomfortable. But we both are trying something for the other person. This is supposed to happen at noon today.

What do you think? Am I crazy? Will it work?
 

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I don't think you are crazy and it could work at the very least in the sense once you break through that fear you may not be so afraid anymore .And with each time you do this maybe you can retrain your minds to where its a natural thing that you can do with relative ease.

At the very least you can both appreciate the other for being willing to go beyond your comfort zone for the other.A selfless act.
 

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I LIKE it, Jamier; you've got NOTHING to lose!

Why don't you work on some intellectual conversation that you two could have over dinner. Something that (hopefully) doesn't impact you two directly: proposed automatic weapons ban; is $ spent on the space program a good use of limited resources; the most interesting person you ever met and why; if you could change ANYTHING about the US education system what would it be and why?

Remember, you're EACH entitled to your own opinions EVEN if they conflict. Even if you DON'T agree, if Nick makes a salient point, say, "I never considered that; I'll have to think about it. It may not change my viewpoint, but I can certainly understand YOURS better now. Thanks!" Something AFFIRMATIVE and supportive THAT IS TRUE (no azz-kissing).

Good luck, girl! I think you two can make a significant change for the better, and I hope you do!
 

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Also sounds cheesy but do ya'll like to read I mean books?You could choose a book that you both might find interesting read it and talk about how you are interpreting it or just in general what you like don't like about it .Or the characters etc..I LOVE to talk to my friends about a book we may have both read or even a t.v series.I like that series "Homeland" ..lots of twist and turns and trying to guess what might happen next a lady friend of mine watches it to and we can have long exchanges about it.
 
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