I am 28 and my husband(M) is 38, we started dating 3 years ago and got married one year ago, he had 2 children from a prev marriage they are age 5(g) and 9(b). (M) moved in with me one month after we started dating and then his son asked to come live with (M) only one month after that, I agreed, I had never had kids and they seemed okay when they visited so I said okay. it lasted about 8 months before he wanted to go to his mom again (side story (M)'s ex is a real bag, she has literally told her son that she doesn't want him or want him around, but he was 7 at the time and that was his mommy) it was also at that time that I spoke up with (M) I was single and lived on my own and in 2 months became a girlfriend and a half way mom to a kid that I didn't chose to have, needless to say I found I was in way over my head and that this was all too much for me to handle. I told him that I wasn't ready for this much and that if I had wanted kids around I would have had my own. We had allot of conversations and decided to slow things down with my integration with the children.
I know you may all say well you knew he had kids it was you that said yes and your right I did know and I did say yes but please do not shove that in my face, because no matter what you say it is always harder than you think to try to be a parental figure to children that are not infants and not your blood, at the start it seems fun then later on not so much.
I stayed with (M) because I truly do love him and want to be with him. I have realized that I still do not love his children; I care about them yes and like them very much, I treat them with kindness and attention and show them affection but I have still found that I do not love them. I believe that it is because when I first tried to, I began to get discouraged by their actions, they would and still do show me affection and love it when we are together we have fun but I seemed to close my heart off to protect it at a certain point, because I am not their bio mom and never could be I was always treated only second best to their bio parents, they didn't mean any harm by doing it so I don't begrudge them for having done that but I found I was only able to extend myself so far in order to keep myself from getting hurt by them (there are reasons for this that would take long to explain, I tried to love them but when you are cut off time after time you just stop trying to reach that level) but I do like them very much and care deeply for them. We currently get the children every Friday, Saturday and Sunday.
So after all that is said, now is where my slow resentment has started. (M) and I now have a baby girl of our own she is 8 months right now but I am pregnant with our next child already our home is a three bedroom home and now with this pregnancy I want to look for other accommodations simply because at the moment his daughter and son each have their own room where as my daughter is currently residing in my closet (that’s where it started getting worse) the other two are here three days a week and only sleep here two nights a week but somehow they each have their own bedroom where my daughter is in my closet???? And now I have another child on the way and I’m scared that my children are being given the second best life in order for his other children to “feel better” when here. and (M) does not want to move yet he says next year.
On top of that we pay child support to his ex which is fine but until very recently and we talked with her about going to the courts about it we had the children every Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday (weekdays was after school until their bedtime then she would come for them they sleep at her house then go to school and then come here, except Friday afterschool they just stay as we keep them all weekend) she expected us to have them 5 days a week yet pay her child support and I had finally had enough we were expected to give her the money used to feed/clothe/shelter them yet we were having to do it and pay her on top of it, I finally told my husband enough if this is the arrangement fine we can keep them but we are not paying her anymore because we need the money to feed and clothe them it’s not like we have extra. So then she got in a huff at the idea of not getting her money so she took them back but for the weekends. But I would say that my main frustration and resentment comes that they are here only two nights a week yet my own blood that lives here full time is abandoned to our closet???
I am getting so sad and developing angry and resentful feelings towards them for talking away what should be my daughters as she is here full time please help me. I want to continue to care for all the kids and remain liking them and have fun with them but I feel like I am slipping from them with a tide of resentment and protection for my own child that is being treated as second class and I fear it will only worsen when my next child is born.
I know you may all say well you knew he had kids it was you that said yes and your right I did know and I did say yes but please do not shove that in my face, because no matter what you say it is always harder than you think to try to be a parental figure to children that are not infants and not your blood, at the start it seems fun then later on not so much.
I stayed with (M) because I truly do love him and want to be with him. I have realized that I still do not love his children; I care about them yes and like them very much, I treat them with kindness and attention and show them affection but I have still found that I do not love them. I believe that it is because when I first tried to, I began to get discouraged by their actions, they would and still do show me affection and love it when we are together we have fun but I seemed to close my heart off to protect it at a certain point, because I am not their bio mom and never could be I was always treated only second best to their bio parents, they didn't mean any harm by doing it so I don't begrudge them for having done that but I found I was only able to extend myself so far in order to keep myself from getting hurt by them (there are reasons for this that would take long to explain, I tried to love them but when you are cut off time after time you just stop trying to reach that level) but I do like them very much and care deeply for them. We currently get the children every Friday, Saturday and Sunday.
So after all that is said, now is where my slow resentment has started. (M) and I now have a baby girl of our own she is 8 months right now but I am pregnant with our next child already our home is a three bedroom home and now with this pregnancy I want to look for other accommodations simply because at the moment his daughter and son each have their own room where as my daughter is currently residing in my closet (that’s where it started getting worse) the other two are here three days a week and only sleep here two nights a week but somehow they each have their own bedroom where my daughter is in my closet???? And now I have another child on the way and I’m scared that my children are being given the second best life in order for his other children to “feel better” when here. and (M) does not want to move yet he says next year.
On top of that we pay child support to his ex which is fine but until very recently and we talked with her about going to the courts about it we had the children every Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday (weekdays was after school until their bedtime then she would come for them they sleep at her house then go to school and then come here, except Friday afterschool they just stay as we keep them all weekend) she expected us to have them 5 days a week yet pay her child support and I had finally had enough we were expected to give her the money used to feed/clothe/shelter them yet we were having to do it and pay her on top of it, I finally told my husband enough if this is the arrangement fine we can keep them but we are not paying her anymore because we need the money to feed and clothe them it’s not like we have extra. So then she got in a huff at the idea of not getting her money so she took them back but for the weekends. But I would say that my main frustration and resentment comes that they are here only two nights a week yet my own blood that lives here full time is abandoned to our closet???
I am getting so sad and developing angry and resentful feelings towards them for talking away what should be my daughters as she is here full time please help me. I want to continue to care for all the kids and remain liking them and have fun with them but I feel like I am slipping from them with a tide of resentment and protection for my own child that is being treated as second class and I fear it will only worsen when my next child is born.