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Hello,
I need some advice, and while I have scheduled an appointment with a counselor, I feel as though I am going completely nuts and I need some help sooner, rather than later.

My husband and I have only been married for 2 years. We have a 1 year old son together. Before I married my husband, he had some trouble with alcohol - as in he was an alcoholic (i.e. he didn't know when to stop drinking and he drank constantly and he would get very angry and violent when he drank. He never hit me, but I do have a dent in the side of my car from when he lost his temper). He was also a chain smoker. When he expressed that he wanted to marry me, I told him that I would never marry an alcoholic and smoker, that I didn't want to raise a family in that kind of household, so he swore up and down that he would change... and he did.

Well, about 2 months after our marriage he started drinking again, but he had it under control. He was nothing like he was when we first met. Right before our first wedding anniversary we moved to a different state for work. He started working a second job at a restaurant. Last summer, I went to California for a friend's wedding (he was unable to go because he was working at the restaurant) and during that time he was hard to get a hold of, he was reluctant to join me for 4th of July (which we had already planned for), and he was annoyed when I insisted he take some vacation time and come out to California. Well, after we got back he started going down to the apartment pool every night while I watched our son, and he wouldn't come back till about 11:00 or 12:00 (the pool closes at 10:00). Then, a few weeks after we were back I was awoken one night by the sound of rocks hitting my window. When I looked outside there was this young girl standing below my window and when she saw me, she left. I woke my husband, kind of freaked out about it, and he acted like he was also freaked out about it and said that this girl must have been lost or something. Then 2 days later there was this note left on my door that said "To Whom it May Concern, [my husband] is invited to a party at apt 1202. Janelle." When I confronted my husband about it he said that this girl was crazy, she was weird, that he thinks she is stalking him and what should he do? So, obviously I started getting really suspicious. I told him that we should confront this girl and tell her she has no business acting like this towards a married man. Nothing ever happened, and I didn't hear anything else about this girl until November when my husband got a call from her while we were bowling. When I asked him about it, he said that she meant nothing to him, that she's just a friend and that every once in awhile he drives her home when she's in a bind. (so, she went from being a crazy stalker to a friend he drives home sometimes). I told him that if she really meant nothing to him he would call her right then and there and tell her that their relationship was inappropriate and that they needed to stop all communication. So he did, rather reluctantly, and then got super angry with me telling me that I am crazy and that he didn't realize he wasn't going to be able to have any friends while he was married to me.

Well, now he is out every weekend. He doesn't come home sometimes, and if he does it's not until 4:00 in the morning or later... He says the restaurant keeps him out that late, but the restaurant closes at 2:00. When he does come home he reeks of alcohol and cigarettes. When he doesn't come home, he says he crashed at a friend's house because he got too drunk. Just this last saturday, he didn't get home until 6:30am. When I asked where he was, he said he got too stoned and passed out in the car... Where he gets off thinking this is okay, I do not know. When he is home, he sleeps until 2:00 in the afternoon. He doesn't come to bed with me until 3:00 in the morning and then complains that I won't have sex with him. We both work day jobs, and we (are supposed to) wake up at 5:30am.

I have kicked him out of my bed as of yesterday. I am getting ready to kick him out of mine and my son's lives. However, I feel I owe it to my vows to attend marriage counseling. I didn't marry my husband because of money, or his looks - I simply fell in love with him. How do you leave someone like that? I feel like I am going crazy, because today he is acting like nothing has happened. He's business as usual. He's acting sweet towards me and being a doting father, but he always does this when I get angry with him, and he doesn't really change his behavior. Is there anyone out there that can lend some advice about what I should do? Is there anyone else in the same boat? My family says get rid of him, but that is easier said than done, and when I think about it I feel so guilty...

please help.
 

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He can't indulge in his drug of choice with you, therefor he must be away from you. It seems to me that first he went back to using, then began abusing and now he's got someone on the side with whom he can use his drug of choice.

Read about addiction. Leave. He will never change. Addicts only become sober when they've hit rock bottom. And sobriety is a long hard painful road, but so so worth it.

You are young, you son is young. Now is the time to make a healthy life for you and your son. You cannot help your husband, only he can. repeat that, only He Can Help Himself. Only He can Get Himself Clean and Sober. The more you stay in the picture, the easier it is for him to continue to use, abuse, and blame you.
 

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Your husband has a substance abuse problem. It is a tragedy for too many lives, imo. I truly believe in marriage and I believe in change but I have to tell you... addictions are prognostically the worst. You may save his life by leaving him as rock bottom (then lower) need to hit before any change (if any) is to come...
In this case, the compassionate thing to do is establish, enforce and sustain boudaries. Go to Alanon ASAP. get enabled to disable the harm, esp for your child. I can tell you as a doctor, I once saw a guy who was trying to re-establish trust with his ex who was found hardly breathing with a needle in his arm after shooting heroin and a three year old in the front seat!! He was a nice kid from a nice neighborhood, got into drugs and game over. After he got Narcan (reverses heroin) the first thing he said "Oh man, she's never going to let me take him again!" UM, yeah! she better not!! Alanon, talk to others who live with addicts. doesn't matter if its booze or drugs... you're not alone. Addicts don't want to cause pain but it is the disease. Oh and watch "American Gangster" w Denzel Washington, the scene where the dealers intentionally create addicts and you see a whole community ravaged... that's memorable and far less criminal than alcohol distributors sadly
 
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