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Discussion Starter #1
I know I am wrong because I am invading his privacy, but: I have his facebook password (he does not know) and I found out last night he is messaging with an old friend he found at a party two weeks ago... We actually had a fight about it because when he got home at 3am his shirt (black) was all stained with make up and smelled like women's parfum...
I decided to stay calmed because I got the obligatory explanation
"she's a friend I haven't seen in a very long time and two of my friends always wanted to date her... we dance and there's nothing wrong with that and if you think that's wrong then that's your problem, you are the one who is WRONG"
I thought "Am I going to leave him because of this? I don't think so and I made myself think nothing wrong can come out of this...

BAD...

They became friends just yesterday and then started talking to each other about that day... Then at night I wanted to have intimacy but he was very busy on his phone on FB... Even after he was done I was ready to make love but he said he didn't take a shower (Which he did!!! WTF?) but I knew that was his way to say "I am not in the mood". He hans't been in the mood in one week...

Anyways... in the conversation I saw on his FB they were talking about something they talked about back at the party... She has always been in love with him and now he says he is going to be very aware of it... and he told her to think about it. He just seem to have in mind to have something with her...

I could not sleep and I feel infidelity is coming...

I don't know if I should stay as if nothing is happening and see where this goes... because talking to him about it it's definetely not going to work.

:confused::scratchhead::(
 

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Install a keylogger and get a VAR and snoop on his phone, you can install stuff on most to get texts and stuff. I would do it NOW. Don't tell him you have done so. Tell him you have a bad feeling about this woman and that you want him to stop contacting her, then see what he does. Based on his reactions so far, he'll blow you off. Then sit back and wait for the evidence. Once you have it, confront him and kick his sorry ass out.
 

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I know I am wrong because I am invading his privacy, but: I have his facebook password (he does not know) and I found out last night he is messaging with an old friend he found at a party two weeks ago... We actually had a fight about it because when he got home at 3am his shirt (black) was all stained with make up and smelled like women's parfum...
I decided to stay calmed because I got the obligatory explanation
"she's a friend I haven't seen in a very long time and two of my friends always wanted to date her... we dance and there's nothing wrong with that and if you think that's wrong then that's your problem, you are the one who is WRONG"
I thought "Am I going to leave him because of this? I don't think so and I made myself think nothing wrong can come out of this...

BAD...

They became friends just yesterday and then started talking to each other about that day... Then at night I wanted to have intimacy but he was very busy on his phone on FB... Even after he was done I was ready to make love but he said he didn't take a shower (Which he did!!! WTF?) but I knew that was his way to say "I am not in the mood". He hans't been in the mood in one week...

Anyways... in the conversation I saw on his FB they were talking about something they talked about back at the party... She has always been in love with him and now he says he is going to be very aware of it... and he told her to think about it. He just seem to have in mind to have something with her...

I could not sleep and I feel infidelity is coming...

I don't know if I should stay as if nothing is happening and see where this goes... because talking to him about it it's definetely not going to work.

:confused::scratchhead::(
Do not blow off these clues.

My spouse came home smelling flowery and when I questioned him he said they changed the soap at the gym. That was pure Bulldokey.

Also, I found a red smear on his collar.....how damned cliche. I didn't even realize it was lipstick, I teased him about getting some red ink on his collar, when it wouldn't easily come out in the wash. I later found out the OW wore red lipstain.

Now how stupid is that?

The fact that my cheating spouse let me slave over trying to get that red stain out now irks me.


Also, check to see if the passenger side car seat is moved to a position different from yours.

It means a taller or shorter person sat in it.

Also check the head rest for hair. After Dday, I found long hair that was not mine wrapped in the metal of the head rest.

He will likely deny an affair is brewing, so asking may or may not help.
 

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And you are correct except for one point. He is already cheating. He is in the beginning of an EA. You need to set your foot down now. Pull any and all evidence that you can. VIOLATE his precious privacy and throw it back in his face. If he cannot wake up then it is his fault not yours. But do not sit back and let this continue.
 

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Discussion Starter #6
I am very affraid... I have always been. I am affraid of leaving him, the house, my marriage... But I know I don't deserve this...
 

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i can only tell you what happened to me, perhaps this will help:

when i was in the military i met and married a woman who later gave me two wonderful sons but right after we were married, a woman i worked with who was very beautiful started showing me too much attention to me a married man and she made it clear to me that she wanted to be more than friends. I was very flattered and was even considering how nice it would be to have her affections. I would see her turning other men down just to spend time with me.

well, my then wife saw what was going on and boy she really put her foot down. she went to see this other woman without me knowing. but i knew something was up because at work the next Monday the ow would not even say hello to me, so i asked her what was wrong ( she knew my wife and was even at out wedding) she said she could never talk to me again because of the talk they had and i do believe i saw fear in her eyes. latter i asked my wife what she said to her and this was it:

is my husband worth dying for, to you? think hard on this because for me i would die for him. well that was the end of that:, i always have respected her because of that, she FOUGHT for me.
 

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I am very affraid... I have always been. I am affraid of leaving him, the house, my marriage... But I know I don't deserve this...

You are being afraid of the wrong things.

At the very least, be afraid for your health. Not only your physical (for possible STDs) but for your mental health as well.

It's not an easy position to be in, but you said yourself that you do not deserve this.

Now do something about it! You've gotten some good advice already and (sadly) you are not the only one to come here with a story like this. Others have prevailed, you can too!
 
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Discussion Starter #10
I am still not sure if he's worth fighting for... he's been good helping at home.

But he cares for other girls and not for me. FB for me feels like a very stupid thing but then again, this is the third time I find him trying to meet with some other girl. He comments and likes what any other girl "friends" post, but he does not care for my posts, he will randomly hit a "like" just so that I don't get mad at him...

I am very ashamed to say this, but he has even hit me twice, and the last time was a month and a half ago because we were fighting about a party he was going to from his job (where I used to work too!) and he didn't invite me and wouldn't take me either... He slaped me in the face because he was tired of hearing me trying to talk to him about my feelings and stuff. He says all I say is b*llsh*t, that I am crazy and there I can leave, he does not care, but that I am not taking my daughter...

I am affraid he's going to take my daughter away from me... She turned 1yo last september. Breaks my heart to think that she is going to grow having her parents apart, but she does not deserve to learn what domestic violence at home is and think it's normal...

I've been fighting for him since we were dating... I have been fighting for him everyday since I got pregnant...

I would like to keep fighting for him... but he doesn't even notice... It's all my fault. My insecurities. My jealousy.

I am still waiting to see what happens... But it's killing me. He is acting like everything is fine but I can see like some kind of remorse in him... Which I know won't stop him from getting what he wants...

He is still not wanting to have sex... With me...
 

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Holy crap. How is him hitting you and cheating on you YOUR fault?!?!?! You need to get into a program and/or counseling for victims of domestic violence. That way of thinking is going to lead down the WRONG path.
 

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I am still not sure if he's worth fighting for... he's been good helping at home.

But he cares for other girls and not for me. FB for me feels like a very stupid thing but then again, this is the third time I find him trying to meet with some other girl. He comments and likes what any other girl "friends" post, but he does not care for my posts, he will randomly hit a "like" just so that I don't get mad at him...

I am very ashamed to say this, but he has even hit me twice, and the last time was a month and a half ago because we were fighting about a party he was going to from his job (where I used to work too!) and he didn't invite me and wouldn't take me either... He slaped me in the face because he was tired of hearing me trying to talk to him about my feelings and stuff. He says all I say is b*llsh*t, that I am crazy and there I can leave, he does not care, but that I am not taking my daughter...

I am affraid he's going to take my daughter away from me... She turned 1yo last september. Breaks my heart to think that she is going to grow having her parents apart, but she does not deserve to learn what domestic violence at home is and think it's normal...

I've been fighting for him since we were dating... I have been fighting for him everyday since I got pregnant...

I would like to keep fighting for him... but he doesn't even notice... It's all my fault. My insecurities. My jealousy.

I am still waiting to see what happens... But it's killing me. He is acting like everything is fine but I can see like some kind of remorse in him... Which I know won't stop him from getting what he wants...

He is still not wanting to have sex... With me...
Seriously for you and your daughters sake LEAVE HIM.
This man is mentally and has physically abused you,
have you got any family you and your daughter can go stay with?
If he lays a hand on you again go staight to the police, the police report could needed in court some time.
He shows no remorse, no respect and he is not going to change.
Remorse is shown by actions and it seems like he has taken none.
 

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Discussion Starter #13
Thanks a lot for the advide. I am very hurt. They are still playing silly about a possible PA... He is a stupid, I give him my whole life and he gives me crap.
I am considering as a first step to move into my moms... but I don't know if I just should leave without telling him or if I confront him... I am affraid he will just ignore me... or hit me.
 

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Then at night I wanted to have intimacy but he was very busy on his phone on FB...
One night I was busy (I was really busy, writing an article for a website) and my wife looked at me in a 'certain' way and I said: "Just wait while I save this document!" and that was that for the rest of the evening. After cuddling for a hour afterwards my wife smiled, then said: "Go and finish that article off, now!"

And that's how it should happen.

Your husband was busy. Busy having an affair, in my opinion. Sorry.:(
 

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Thanks a lot for the advide. I am very hurt. They are still playing silly about a possible PA... He is a stupid, I give him my whole life and he gives me crap.
I am considering as a first step to move into my moms... but I don't know if I just should leave without telling him or if I confront him... I am affraid he will just ignore me... or hit me.
Hit you? :eek: If that's based on past experience, you should just GTFO now!
 

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Discussion Starter #16 (Edited)
Hit you? :eek: If that's based on past experience, you should just GTFO now!
He has hit me when "he gets desperate", when "he gets tired of me talking..." and I didn't even want to accept that but yes... he even choked me once back in december and I was very affraid... I even forgave him that and I thought that was ok because I love him and it was my fault for being nagging him...



OMG, how stupid I sound...?

saying this like it's normal to be hit, because it was "only" 2 times...?

I just don't get how can I stop being so dependent on him!

Anyone has controlled dependency???
 

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He has hit me when "he gets desperate", when "he gets tired of me talking..." and I didn't even want to accept that but yes... he even choked me once back in december and I was very affraid... I even forgave him that and I thought that was ok because I love him and it was my fault for being nagging him...
There is no excuse for violence in a relationship - ever.

If it ever gets to the point where you have to defend yourself, the relationship is over, IMO. Intolerable - no matter what. No excuses, no exceptions.

I could forgive an affair more easily than violence, I think.

(My viewpoint may be skewed because I don't think my wife could seriously hurt me - for all that she elbows be or knees my because she's clumsy.)

Certainly, I have never intentionally hurt her. If I did ever find myself contemplating it, it's past time to leave.

Rags
 

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If you fear for your physical safety, DO NOT TELL HIM or confront him. Leave when he is not there and do not tell him where you have gone. This is exactly what womens shelters are for.
 

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Their are books and counselors that help massively to get someone out of codependent state.
Also if you haven't told your family about the abuse TELL THEM, not only will it help you not trivialize his past behavior (you can't excuse it so easily in your mind when other people know, plus saying it out loud can help you realize just how disgusting someones actions are).
Prepare everything you need to before telling him or anyone who mat tell him.

Domestic Violence and Abuse: Signs of Abuse and Abusive Relationships
 

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Venusina,

You are married to a creep. Go to your mom's house today and tell her everything. You need to have the extra strength that family support will give you. Just go.

Don't worry about key strokes, etc. You don't need all that evidence.

He is cheating and he has threatened you and he has hit you.

If you want, take a few photos of his facebook with your digital camera, but even that is not necessary.

You're doing the right thing for yourself and your child.

You are so young. You have lots of time to straighten your life out.

Your and your child's future will be brighter if you leave tonight.

Nobody deserves to be hit or choked. No matter how much you nag or how much you keep talking, or anything. No one ever has the right to hit another person. Will you wait around for your growing children to be old enough to watch your husband hit you? Will you allow him to hit your child? You must leave now and get a lawyer as soon as possible.

With a lawyer, you won't have to talk to him anymore and you can figure out times for him to visit the baby.
 
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