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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I am at my wits end on how to handle this one. After finally realizing that he and his ex DO NOT want each other back, now I have a new dilemma.

My husband and I have been married for a little over a year, but together for almost 2 years, and we have a very productive sex life. We have shared secrets with each other that NOBODY else knows!! We don't have sex daily or even a few times a week but when we do its just the way each of us wants it. He has introduced me to feeling comfortable enough to do a three-some but I am not there yet. We play on sites TOGETHER and that's what I thought we were going to limit ourselves to, but......

I recently discovered that he not only does it with me, but he views porn sites on a daily basis and he does it when I am sleeping or gone. He clears his history so I can't see what he's doing. When I confronted him about it he flew off the handle and told me I was a hypocrite. I explained that no, I enjoy doing it WITH him but he is on there not only viewing up to 4 different websites but is now commenting on the women he sees.......very graphic words too. I feel like it doesn't matter what I do for him to make his "fantasies" come true, why does he have to still go to porn sites to view other women??? I went as far as to "shave" myself because that's what he wanted.

We have been fighting about this on and off for several weeks now and now he's talking like we have different goals and wants out of our futures. WTF??? What should I do and how should I handle this? Its basically a "my way or the highway" situation. I am suppose to keep my mouth shut and say nothing about this and I can't because it really bothers me. :wtf::wtf::wtf::wtf::wtf::wtf::wtf::scratchhead:
 

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If he is going to choose porn over you, then I think you know how much you mean to him, or maybe I should say how little,
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It sounds like you have been giving in to his sexual wants for some time, and that the two of you are in different places.

He figured if the two of you watch porn together, then whats the big deal if he watches it by himself? Logically it makes complete sence, and on that note Id highly suggest you give him the benefit of the doubt.

However if his alone time bothers you, talk to him about. Stand up for what you want!
 
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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
It sounds like you have been giving in to his sexual wants for some time, and that the two of you are in different places.

He figured if the two of you watch porn together, then whats the big deal if he watches it by himself? Logically it makes complete sence, and on that note Id highly suggest you give him the benefit of the doubt.

However if his alone time bothers you, talk to him about. Stand up for what you want!

I have tried that. Just expressing that it bothers me that he feel she has to lie about it after we have openly shared our interest in the porn field. I have a problem when he is obviously typing, clicking, typing, clicking as if chatting with women. I have a problem with that. We don't "chat" on porn sites, but we do chat in chat rooms and play around that way, so again why lie???
 

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Lots of people watch porn. Some guys are ashamed of it and do what your husband does, which is hide it. My husband thinks I don't know about the porn he watches, and I'll keep it that way, as it doesn't bother me as long as it is "normal" (i.e. no incest or bestiality). Our sex is great, but sometimes it is fun to have a fantasy or to look at naked people. I do it, too, sometimes.

I am curious why you feel his watching porn means you are not enough?

Also, he probably feels guilty about being caught and like he is being backed into a corner because you are so upset. It's human nature to become resistant in similar situations.

When you feel mad and betrayed it can be hard to calm down, but take a deep breath and try to see things from his perspective. Maybe even google "why does my guy watch porn online" and see what you find. Porn & masturbation are normal and very likely do not reflect on YOU at all.
 
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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Lots of people watch porn. Some guys are ashamed of it and do what your husband does, which is hide it. My husband thinks I don't know about the porn he watches, and I'll keep it that way, as it doesn't bother me as long as it is "normal" (i.e. no incest or bestiality). Our sex is great, but sometimes it is fun to have a fantasy or to look at naked people. I do it, too, sometimes.

I am curious why you feel his watching porn means you are not enough?

Also, he probably feels guilty about being caught and like he is being backed into a corner because you are so upset. It's human nature to become resistant in similar situations.

When you feel mad and betrayed it can be hard to calm down, but take a deep breath and try to see things from his perspective. Maybe even google "why does my guy watch porn online" and see what you find. Porn & masturbation are normal and very likely do not reflect on YOU at all.
Well, I guess I'll be bluntly honest.......he has always told me and we for the most part, have done this, he tells me, "If you want oral sex, just tell me, I think its a turn on that you will voice that". I DID!! I plainly told him what I wanted and that I would return the gesture, but he just ignored me for an entire weekend!!! That's when I started seeing (through a keylogger), that his attentions are elsewhere. When I tried to talk to him about what he told me to tell him what I wanted, he said "You can't dictate what I do and when I do it". OMG!!! WTF????
 

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You are trying to hard to be who your husband wants you to be. Porn chat sites and threesomes? Why be married?
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he said "You can't dictate what I do and when I do it". OMG!!! WTF????
Well, he is correct.

All you can do is tell him what types of activites you are not ok with, and what the consequences will be if he continues. Then follow through.

You make mention that the two of you enjoy going to chat rooms. Are these different chat rooms than what he does by himself?




as it doesn't bother me as long as it is "normal" (i.e. no incest or bestiality).
FYI: While it falls in the category of deviant behaviour you would be absolutely disgusted to know how common incest, beastiality and pedophilia are.
 
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Discussion Starter · #9 · (Edited)
Well, he is correct.

All you can do is tell him what types of activites you are not ok with, and what the consequences will be if he continues. Then follow through.

You make mention that the two of you enjoy going to chat rooms. Are these different chat rooms than what he does by himself?



FYI: While it falls in the category of deviant behaviour you would be absolutely disgusted to know how common incest, beastiality and pedophilia are.


Yes the chat rooms we go to together are different and are not on a porn site, its yahoo chat rooms. There we are not on there "just to look" at porn. I do not think that he is able to enter into a "chat room" on these sites that he goes to, however, somehow he is able to make comments to live women who are performing sexual acts, telling them what he likes in what he sees, or telling them what he wants to see.......or for instance, complimenting them with very descriptive sexual words.

(If we are in a "chat room" and he wants to see me masturbate for another man, I do that because it turns him on) We did discuss me not wanting to be with another person, sexually simply for the fact that I would feel like I was cheating on him, and he was fine with that. He actually respects me for that, unlike his first wife.......she was more then willing to have sex with other people for him, I am not.

The thing is, I do not have a problem at all with him "looking", but we both agreed that the "talking" part of the looking is for us to do together, not separately. He has created his own user ID on this one site but denies it to me......I don't know why he would do that when we have our own ID together.
 
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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
You are trying to hard to be who your husband wants you to be. Porn chat sites and threesomes? Why be married?
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Oh no, no no!! I am not doing what he wants me to do, we both enjoy being open about our desires and all. Most of what we do together are an act of fantasies, moreless. We are married because we want to "share" our lives together, we do these acts of viewing porn together, participate in chat rooms together and consider threesomes to keep our sex life interesting and hot.

Don't get me wrong, he does things for me too that I like. I won't go into detail about that, lol but its a turn on for both of us. I just don't understand why he thinks he has to "hide" what he does alone, when he knows its probably going to be a turn on for me as well.
 

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Your husband is disconnected with you. He is treating you as a thing and a sexual commodity who's job it is to turn him on and pleasure him. And just like women from porn and live chat sites he wants there to be no real life consequences to his behaviour that he can see.

Porn is highly addictive and harmful to many relationships. It is fast becoming one of the biggest problems in marriages. Many men watch porn and feel that their wives don't measure up, and have unrealistic expectations of their wives, not to mention lack of empathy.

Porn does not bring couples closer together, nor does it enhance sex lives, it just keeps escalating the expectations and pressure, and sex is ever enough.

Norman Doidge on pornography and neuroplasticity - worthwhile reading | Reuniting

102 The current porn epidemic gives a graphic demonstration that sexual tastes can be acquired. Pornography, delivered by high-speed Internet connections, satisfies every one of the prerequisites for neuroplastic change [forming new neural circuitry- a key piece in addiction].

Pornography seems, at first glance, to be a purely instinctual matter: sexually explicit pictures trigger instinctual responses, which are the product of millions of years of evolution. But if that were true, pornography would be unchanging. The same triggers, bodily parts and their proportions, that appealed to our ancestors would excite us. This is what pornographers would have us believe, for they claim they are battling sexual repression, taboo, and fear and that their goal is to liberate the natural, pent-up sexual instincts.

But in fact the content of pornography is a dynamic phenomenon that perfectly illustrates the progress of an acquired taste. Thirty years ago, "hardcore" pornography usually meant the explicit depiction of sexual intercourse between two aroused partners, displaying their genitals. "Softcore" meant pictures of women, mostly, on a bed, at their toilette, or in some semi-romantic setting, in various states of undress, breasts revealed.

Now hardcore has evolved and is increasingly dominated by the sadomasochistic themes of forced sex, ejaculations on women's faces, and angry anal sex, all involving scripts fusing sex with hatred and humiliation. Hardcore pornography now explores the world of perversion, while softcore is now what hardcore was a few decades ago, [103] explicit sexual intercourse between adults, now available on cable TV. The comparatively tame softcore pictures of yesteryear--women in various states of undress--now show up on mainstream media all day long, in the pornification of everything, including television, rock videos, soap operas, advertisements, and so on.

Pornography is more exciting than satisfying because we have two separate pleasure systems in our brains, one that has to do with exciting pleasure and one with satisfying pleasure. The exciting system relates to the "appetitive" pleasure that we get imagining something we desire, such as sex or a good meal. Its neurochemistry is largely dopamine-related, and it raises our tension level.

The second pleasure system has to do with the satisfaction, or consummatory pleasure, that attends actually having sex or having that meal, a calming, fulfilling pleasure. Its neurochemistry is based on the release of endorphins, which are related to opiates and give a peaceful, euphoric bliss.

Pornography, by offering an endless harem of sexual objects, hyperactivates the appetitive system. Porn viewers develop new maps in their brains, based on the photos and videos they see. Because it is a use-it-or-lose-it brain, when we develop a map area, we long to keep it activated. Just as our muscles become impatient for exercise if we've been sitting all day, so too do our senses hunger to be stimulated.

The men at their computers looking at porn were uncannily like the rats in the cages of the NIH, pressing the bar to get a shot of dopamine or its equivalent. Though they didn't know it, they had been seduced into pornographic training sessions that met all the conditions required for plastic change of brain maps. Since neurons [109] that fire together wire together, these men got massive amounts of practice wiring these images into the pleasure centers of the brain, with the rapt attention necessary for plastic change. They imagined these images when away from their computers, or while having sex with their girlfriends, reinforcing them. Each time they felt sexual excitement and had an orgasm when they masturbated, a "spritz of dopamine," the reward neurotransmitter, consolidated the connections made in the brain during the sessions. Not only did the reward facilitate the behavior; it provoked none of the embarrassment they felt purchasing Playboy at a store. Here was a behavior with no “punishment,” only reward.

The content of what they found exciting changed as the Web sites introduced themes and scripts that altered their brains without their awareness. Because plasticity is competitive, the brain maps for new, exciting images increased at the expense of what had previously attracted them--the reason, I believe, they began to find their girlfriends less of a turn-on.

Hardcore porn unmasks some of the early neural networks that formed in the critical periods of sexual development and brings all these early, forgotten or repressed elements together [112] to form a new network, in which all the features are wired together. Porn sites generate catalogs of common kinks and mix them together in images. Sooner or later the surfer finds a killer combination that presses a number of his sexual buttons at once. Then he reinforces the network by viewing the images repeatedly, masturbating, releasing dopamine and strengthening these networks. He has created a kind of "neosexuality," a rebuilt libido that has strong roots in his buried sexual tendencies. Because he often develops tolerance, the pleasure of sexual discharge must be supplemented with the pleasure of an aggressive release, and sexual and aggressive images are increasingly mingled--hence the increase in sadomasochistic themes in hardcore porn.
Porn changes mens brains, and not for the better.
 

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Oh no, no no!! I am not doing what he wants me to do, we both enjoy being open about our desires and all. Most of what we do together are an act of fantasies, moreless. We are married because we want to "share" our lives together, we do these acts of viewing porn together, participate in chat rooms together and consider threesomes to keep our sex life interesting and hot.

Don't get me wrong, he does things for me too that I like. I won't go into detail about that, lol but its a turn on for both of us. I just don't understand why he thinks he has to "hide" what he does alone, when he knows its probably going to be a turn on for me as well.
Oh OK then...I guess I've just watched too many episodes of Kink.
 

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I'm wondering how anyone can think that porn is actually a good thing for either partner or to watch together. I've been married for 27 years (I'm 46 and my husband is 50) and about 8 years ago, I caught him viewing porn on the internet. I thought we had a great marriage with only the normaly ups and downs but apparantely he was not happy. We had a normal sex life and had sex anywhere from 3 times a week to once a week (more or less sometimes). He always acted like he loved me and was an excellent father to our kids and he treated me with respect (apparantely he put up a good front). We worked through it only to find 8 years later that he is posting personal ads on craigslist to hook up with women for a "NSA" no strings attached relationship. He also signed up for 8 or 9 dating sites and has been viewing porn. When I discovered his secret accounts and found his postings, he had e-mail exchanges with some girl who claimed to be 23 and had a fantasy to do a sexy striptease for an older guy. He was all over that and told her how excited he was to meet her and that she wouldn't be disapointed, etc. I'm totally disgusted and humiliated. He told me this would never have happened if it weren't for the internet and that his curiousity led to all of this. He has cried for 2 weeks straight and is going to several counselors to try to save our marriage. He knows it was wrong and a betrayal and nothing good could ever come of viewing porn. All it does is create false ideas in minds and people lose sight of what true love is. It is sensationalized and men start to believe that this is how normal women behave and that they can work full time take care of the kids clean the house and greet their man at the door naked and tell them how sexy they are 24/7. My husband admits that it was all about the attention and wanting to feel like women still want him. Instead it made him feel worse and lowered his self-esteem because he knew it was wrong to do. Maybe someone can help me understand this?
 
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