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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I'm still struggling with my marriage and this current separation. We have been separated now for almost 3 weeks.
To cut to the chase, I still can't tell if these issues are based on an untreated depression, or potentially other mental illness, or if her trust bank was already so low that it didn't take much for me to bankrupt it (she says she can't trust me anymore after she saw that I texted an old gf/friend - that I wasn't hiding to begin with; and had looked at inappropriate things online at times because our private life was not at all what I had hoped).
The text wasn't sexual, it wasn't even grounds to consider it an EA. I knew she didn't care for it but I also told her I wasn't ashamed of my past and she (the gf/friend) had been having a really hard time...fear for safety and such. I would never cheat on my wife.
I didn't consider the online stuff cheating but I also wasn't proud of it. I was trying to be honest. When I had mentioned trying to pick it up (our private life) in the past, she'd give ideas like coming home during the day sometimes and when I did, I think we made it "happen" once. It got to seeming like there was always a reason...but when the reason was solved, the level of intimacy didn't really change.
In her defense, she would try at times and me, being a dummy, sometimes acted like it wasn't a big deal, the same way she did me. That was stupid but it wasn't why I looked at stuff online at times. It was because I felt rejected by my wife and I just didn't address like I should have. When I did look at it, it was mainly because she was going back to work (12 hour night shift) and it just seemed...to happen...that stuff is way too easy to find without even looking. Heck, you can type in "pizza delivery" on Yahoo and get it. I needed to change my filter and was even going to and give her the password but I never did. It didn't happen all the time. It got easier to go to and it kept me from always wanting it from her when she didn't seem as interested to give it.
She knows she has been battling depression. I can't tell if she is depressed because she is stuck with having married me...potentially on the rebound and now we have a son (a great one) or if there is an underlying mental illness that is untreated. She has a "crazy aunt" that I've always heard about but never met.
Recently one of her sisters and one of her brothers in law have contacted me and apologized for everything that I am going through and told me to hang in there. One really thinks it is a mental illness. Said that she is being rude and mean to others in her family...she can be stubborn-headed but she loves her family so that isn't like her.
I REALLY don't believe there is a PA or EA but I can never be 100% I guess (from what I read on here).
She is also a lot more into church (our faith has always been important to us) and reading Christian books but none are about family, they're all about realizing God's plan in one's life. She is even doing a medical mission trip...breaking up her family...but going on a mission trip. I don't get it.
She said since I looked at porn, that is adultery and grounds for divorce if she chooses. That is really reaching, in my opinion, and sounds more like she is trying to build her case for justifying leaving.
She broke out into a really bad rash...apparently stress rash. I felt horrible for her but she basically blamed me for it, said this all was "killing her" and that I don't realize how much I hurt her.
She also, prior to that...at the beginning of all this, said she had been struggling because she married me when she was "in a fog" but just didn't know it at the time...that was one happy fog.
Anyway, I try not to contact her. Her girls (both under 13) have been like daughters to me and they had no idea there was even a problem...one day I'm there, the next I'm not (I tried to keep from leaving and tried not to make any scenes in front of them).
But, we have a son. My son. He is one great kid. My only child with the woman I've loved since forever (we went to college together and I was always the "best friend" guy...after she separated from her STBX she called me...I had no idea and at first told that I wished her well but I was in a relationship...she pursued me and won me over wholeheartedly).
So I think there is a good chance I was her "safety" and once things settled down, I was never the one she really wanted. I told her that a couple times before marriage but she swore that wasn't the case...who was I to argue...so was always the one for me. I was 36 when we got together. Never married before this one. This is her second. Her first one was abusive so I know that had a big impact... :(

Her sister thinks she needs meds, others do too.
I just don't know how much stock to put in to what.
I did mess up some, but nothing on the scale (I don't think) to warrant this with very little counseling.
Reading "No More Mr Nice Guy" now and I really do relate.
Trying to do the 180 but I hate being away from my son. We are really close.

Any advice is appreciated.
 

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Discussion Starter · #2 ·
Also, at our first (and only) counseling session together, she said (for the first time) how much she loved her first husband and thought she'd only be married once.
That was the first time she ever said she loved him.
She said she loved me based on trust (???) and that now that the trust was gone, she didn't know that she could love me again.
I really felt she regretted divorcing him and marrying me.
He married someone else first.
He was physically and emotionally abusive.
She came to me once halfway through their marriage, after he hit her for the 3rd (I think) time.
Promised me we'd be together...and by New Years I was alone. They reconciled.
Left him again and felt she finally knew that that was the right decision. She never got her love back for him.
Now that is how she feels about me.
Suuuuccckks.
 

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Stillkindofhopeful, I do have some advice for you.

In reading your posts here, you strike me as having really low self esteem.

Yeah, that may sound kind of trite, I know.

But the truth of the matter is, you're being treated like crap.

You should be reacting to being treated like crap in any of several ways that could be described as "disagreeable" towards this.

Instead, you're accepting it ("I did mess up some, but nothing on the blah blah blah, can I have my testicles back honey? No, okaaaaaaay").

My advice to you, is to dig deeply into YOU, and figure out why you think that you deserve to be treated this badly by someone who is supposed to love you.

I mean, she flat out confirmed your fears in counseling- she "settled" for you, and now she has decided she can do better.

This should piss you off. It should upset you. It should have you doing things like giving her the gift of missing you, by serving her perfumed hiney with divorce paperwork.

Trailing around on your knees, wondering endlessly what you did wrong and was it really that bad and Oh God why doesn't she love me makes you look unattractive to her, sad to people who know you, and pathetic to the guy you see in the mirror.

Figure out why you think so poorly of yourself, and then stop being that way and start acting in ways that will make you like yourself.

Start like, 2 seconds after you finish reading this.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Thanks for the reply.
There is a lot of truth in it.
I am mainly concerned that if it really is depression/mental illness...she is my son's mom and my wife...and up until recently I considered her my best friend.
If it is something beyond her control I want to be there for her and have to for the sake of the kids.
If she really just regrets and THAT is the reason for the depression...it hurts like h3ll but I get it and I will move on.
If that is the case and we divorce, I want as custody as I can get so I try to be aware of everything I say or text her but really, I just want to be with my son.
I didn't have a child to see them grow up for half their life.
 

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Well, you have to start living your own life. Your wife has issues that only she can work on. You can't fix her issues, and you need time yourself. Right now, you have to figure if you truly will be content in this marriage. Your needs were not met, and sounds like she was never fully emotionally into your marriage. I would think that you would want someone who was invested in you. You do have self esteem issues, because you put up with a less stellar marriage. You need time to figure why do you want to stay married.

I would let her go. You wanting her to stay in the marriage for your sake is a selfish act. It is not considering what she wants, and she may only feel guilt because she wants to leave. You are using that guilt against her. I am not saying that you can't get back together, you have to let her go to come to that conclusion on her own. You also can't wait for her either. She may never return, and you have your own life to live. You can't put all your hopes and wants onto one person. You have to learn to be happy as an independent person. What I am advocating is become the best you as possible, learn to love yourself, and never fully place all or most of your happiness on one thing. And you can't state that you were content with the marriage either, that would be lie to yourself. Not getting your needs met, means that your marriage was not the way you want it. Also get rid of the romantic notions of always being there for her. Her depression will eventually bring you down too. this one life you have to live, and if she is not improving, and so are you, can you call it fulfilling.
 

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How long have you been married to her?

How old is your son?


.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
I am trying to live my own life. Often enough lately I do pretty good. If I could just have my son, she could just walk away at this point...I'd like to think.
I do put her and our marriage on a pedestal. I felt that waiting as long as I did and getting the girl I always wanted in the end was proof that "the nice guy doesn't always finish last." I hurt for her. Knowing that I possibly did cause as much pain as I did for her kills me. But at this point she has returned the pain tenfold it feels.
There is no respect in her left for me. I just go back and forth between if there ever really was or not and if an underlying illness is keeping us from fixing things and keeping this family together.

We've been married 3.5 years.
I do have my own issues and some of her concerns do ring true after having read the nice guy book so I am working on those things now.

Thank you very much for the responses.
 
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