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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Forewarning, this is kinda long...apologize in advance.
I have been married for 19 years to a kind,loving,and hardworking man with just one hang-up:he has been in contact with one of his exes since we've been married.
This ex has always had a hang-up when it comes to our marriage as she was the last person he had dated before he married me. She flirts with him, calls/texts him regularly (even when it's for "relationship" advice), etc. Yes, I've expressed to him on numerous occasions how much this bothers me but he consistently states that it's just her, not him, behaving in such ways, which I've found to be not very truthful as she knew a bit too much about my former issues with alcohol and my bi-polarism. But that's another story entirely, and I'm more concerned about the one at hand.
Around July-August she started "seeing" a married man she met in a bar (she had recently gone through her SECOND divorce), and luckily there was no heavy contact between herself and my husband, but as soon as the married fella dumped her? BAM! It started alll over again. They began to have lengthy conversations about my father-in-law's illness (cancer), her married guy, and one of her ex-husbands which bothered me quite a bit BUT I truly decided to give both of them, especially him, the benefit of the doubt and be an adult. It wasn’t long after that that my husband and I were planning a small get-together for a football game and she was invited…and while she got quite intoxicated all went well. BUT I noticed that my husband was being very, very reserved even though it was his utmost favorite team we were watching and they were winning!! Anyways, seeing that I felt that things weren’t nearly as I had believed them to be I overlooked his sullenness and actually agreed to let her take him to see his very ill father out of town late last month because I had to work and have two children that are still in school. Here’s what has occurred since:
2) Two weeks after he got back from visiting his father he suddenly decided to go visit his brother two weekends in a row to watch the game and spend the night.
3) The first weekend I was suspicious that he wasn’t at his brother’s, but the second weekend was worse: found out that my uncle had died suddenly, called him on the phone in tears, yet he acted as though he couldn’t be bothered to come home. As the night continued his answering of my texts and phone calls got farther and farther apart, then completely ending around 10:30pm. The next morning he called me around 5:30am saying he was heading home…got here in less than 30 minutes from a place that normally takes him well over 45 mins.
4) During the weeks that encompassed said weekends he worked late MANY nights yet his check didn’t reflect nearly that much overtime and he didn’t let me see the check stub.
5) Just 2 days ago I did the unthinkable and looked through his email and found some messages from her via Vtext (lets you text from Verizon’s website so the senders number won’t show up on the recipient’s bill)—obviously he didn’t realize that some of them DO show up on the email account he has attached to his phone. Here’s what the messages said:
a) What time do you get off of work today?
b) I’m sorry I was an idiot. I love you more than life itself!
c) I love and miss you!!
Soooo, I proceeded to let both of them know of my discovery, and while I got no reply from her I got plenty from him! Things he said: He has “no idea what those messages were about”; “it’s HER fantasy, not mine!”; “notice that there aren’t any more messages AFTER November 10th” (BTW, the weekends in question are Nov. 10th and 24th); “I married YOU, not HER”; “you’re the one that put me through hell with your alcoholism!!”; “You’re delusional and speculating…you have nothing proving that I did anything!”; “I’m acting this way because you’re accusing me of something I haven’t done…just speculating…and you’re driving me crazy!”. Plus he got very angry because I contacted her and said he didn’t need the headache of dealing with her.
What should I think? What should I do?
 

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This is the problem with confronting someone without solid evidence.

Sounds like the emails were all from her to him? So you have nothing on him, only no her.

Do you have access to his cell phone? Look for txts on it.

I don't think that you can do anything with her sending him emails exact to ask him to end all contact with her.

And don't ever again agree to her going with him to see his father or anything else. Why on earth did you agree to that?

Get the cell phone bill to see how much they have been calling each other.
 
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This needs to be said very plain and clear.

"I consider this person a threat to us and our marriage. I have been far more than understanding, stupid really, to allow this to go on as long as it has. I no longer believe her, you or that this relationship is innocent. Not after all these texts. Not after you 'work late' and yet we have no extra money. Not since you've been 'going to your brother's' all weekend long."

"I don't know where you are going and I don't know what you are doing. So every time you work late, or 'go to your brother' I am assuming you are sleeping with her. Case closed."

"You need to show me your phone right now with all the text messages. If the text messages are already erased, that tells me something right there. You are hiding your check stubs. You are, in short, acting like a man hiding an affair."

"So your ONE chance of making this right to me is to drop her. Never see her, never talk to her, never send her a frigging SMOKE SIGNAL."

"That ring on your finger represents certain promises you made to me 19 years ago. You didn't promise her anything. I'm calling you on your promises. One of us is going. You get to choose which one."

"Oh...by the way. My alcoholism and other problems were THE PAST. This is THE PRESENT. I appreciate your help in the PAST, but you need to start acting like a responsible adult here and now."

Then you call your Brother in Law's WIFE if he has one and explain that you suspect that her husband is covering for your husband's infidelities. Was he actually at their place last weekend? Ask her for honesty and how she would want to be treated if their roles were reversed.

See what impression that makes.
 

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I am a bit of a cynic so consider yourself warned! Usually from what I have seen if you thing something is going on there is a good reason for it. I say follow your heart. When it comes to this kind of thing I dont think you need solid evidence all you need is enough for you to believe something isnt right.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
This is the problem with confronting someone without solid evidence.

Sounds like the emails were all from her to him? So you have nothing on him, only no her.

Do you have access to his cell phone? Look for txts on it.

I don't think that you can do anything with her sending him emails exact to ask him to end all contact with her.

And don't ever again agree to her going with him to see his father or anything else. Why on earth did you agree to that?

Get the cell phone bill to see how much they have been calling each other.
Her emails were from her phone carrier's website so they won't show up on the bill...if he answered her through something like Gmail then his answers wouldn't show up on the email...:(
 

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If you read enough threads on this forum, you will see that a BS's gut instincts are usually correct. Your gut is screaming at you, and when you confront your DS about the mountain of red flags and inappropriate activity, he blows up on you. Classic defensive behavior of a guilty person. His indignation is meant to throw you off balance, while he patches the holes and goes deeper underground. You got amazingly brilliant advice earlier in this thread, you don't really need solid proof, you can just go with what you have and give some ultimatums. He needs to stop the inappropriate behavior, and focus his attention on repairing the damage that exists between you two. Like someone here already mentioned, he made his promises and vows to you, not her, so he has a simple choice to make: cut her completely out of his life (and by extension your marriage) or pack his bags and leave.
 

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At the very least your H has been having an emotional affair with this woman throughout your marriage, and I truly can't understand why you have tolerated this. As for their little trip out of town together - ludicrous, OP!

Don't let your H use your past alcohol problem or mental illness as a smokescreen or as an excuse for anything. Tell him in no uncertain terms that you want him to cut all ties and have positively no communication with this woman, and that you want total transparency regarding his phone and email accounts until you are satisfied that their relationship is over.

(Previously posted in Relationship thread)
 
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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
I know, yet I've unfortunately given him an ultimatum (stop talking to her) and he "swears" he isn't (the data charges under the text message listings state otherwise)...also, he said that he couldn't completely stop speaking to her as she is his friend.
 

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I know, yet I've unfortunately given him an ultimatum (stop talking to her) and he "swears" he isn't (the data charges under the text message listings state otherwise)...also, he said that he couldn't completely stop speaking to her as she is his friend.
Married people don't have close opposite sex friends. The ex has to go and he has to be totally transparent with you so that you can see for yourself that this is the case.

This isn't going to go away, OP, unless he knows that he can no longer play buddies with an girlfriend.
 

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You may not have solid hardcore evid, but you know what is going on---so---you tell him very calmly the following----he either changes totally, or you will file for D

D., is your only weapon---and if you read enuff threads you will see, when the betrayed is deadly serious about D---the cheater, does come around, and the A, usually ends!!!!

You tell him, he will---from now on check in, and let you know where he is at all times, this being work related, or errands, you AGREE, need to be run---otherwise HE IS HOME WITH HIS WIFE AND KIDS----all his electronics are to be completely open to you whenever and wherever you want to see them----he will send this woman a NC, e-mail---with you there to watch it go----he will never upon pain of having D, filed agst him, speak to her again, in any way shape manner or form----he is to have no women as friends ever again---as he can't be trusted----Also if his lover tries to contact him---he is to tell you each and every time

If he does not like any of the above---tell him the following----to get himself an atty to defend a D, and to pack his belongings and get the he*l, out of the house

He will also sign a POST--NUP-----make sure he knows you will be asking for full custody of the kids, alimony, child support, and a 50% split of all marital property-------

You must be deadly serious when you do this---you do not argue, discuss, talk about, ----you talk, he listens---that is what will happen-----if he refuses, once again---tell him to get out of the house, and to get himself an atty, as you will filing a D.-----

Be deadly serious---ONLY BY SCARING THE CRAP OUT OF HIM, WILL YOU MAKE YOUR POINT, AND HOPEFULLY BRING HIM BACK TO REALITY

If you don't wanna go thru all of this---then just tell him you are filing for D----I promise you, that will also bring him out of his fantasy state of mind
 

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I know, yet I've unfortunately given him an ultimatum (stop talking to her) and he "swears" he isn't (the data charges under the text message listings state otherwise)...also, he said that he couldn't completely stop speaking to her as she is his friend.
So he says that he stopped but he cannot stop? :scratchhead:

You need to just tell him that if he cannot stop then he has to move out.
 
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Your husband has been having a very long term affair with this women. He's a big part of his life.

You have tolerated it far too long.

So now you are changing the rules the two of you have lived by for a long time. I agree that the only way he will take you seriously is if you hit him hard with the threat of divorce.
 

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I know, yet I've unfortunately given him an ultimatum (stop talking to her) and he "swears" he isn't (the data charges under the text message listings state otherwise)...also, he said that he couldn't completely stop speaking to her as she is his friend.
He 'swears' he isn't talking to her, but says he couldn't completely stop! Which one is it? Is he talking to her, or is he not!

And yes, I have read you know which one is the truth. Therefore he lies. Why lie if no affair? Why lie if only friends?

Don't let him gaslight you by saying it is your fault he didnt tell you because you wouldn't understand. This is patently not true as you have allowed them to be 'friends' for 19 years!

The only bit of advice my mum has ever given me on men and relationships...'exes should never be a part of a current relationship in any way'.

And yes, that advice came too late for me too!
 

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My husband had a female friend like that. She always had a crisis and always needed his help. He never hid his phone so I would read his emails a d texts. The flirting was only from her side BUT one time he returned it. I took a picture of it and emailed the whole sting to her from my email and told her I wanted to talk. She wouldn't return my call LOL so it clearly was more. I talked to my husband and told him that he had a choice to make - the marriage or the friendship and he had to make it now.

He cut off all contact immediately. Done. Because me and our marriage were most important to him and he didn't want to lose that.

To be transparent, I had a full on EA six months later. I knew better and nearly lost what I had guarded so vigilantly.

He has to choose who is more important and back it with action.

Read Not Just Friends. It was eye opening. Find a marriage counselor who agrees with those methods and get both of you in ASAP.
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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
I'm just soooo confused! Part of me wants to believe him when he says it's just her yet the other part believes that they've been discretely talking/meeting, or at least did in the recent and/or not so recent past. He is VERY adamant that nothing has or is happening BUT my youngest son just told me that he witnessed something when I was receiving treatment for my mental illness: he saw HER stroking my hubb's head when both were sitting on the couch. Hubbs said it was her just being kind because he was distraught over my being ill and in treatment. Oh, and she also bought my boys Halloween costumes and brought the fam dinner one night. AAAAARRRGGGHHHH!!!:mad:
 

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Everyone has their line in the sand - the 'I love you more than life itself' shows you this is more than a friendship. If he wasn't having romantic feelings towards her, that would have caused him to wake up.

Seriously - read Not Just Friends. It will be an eye opener.
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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
If this bothers you, then he should stop. No ifs, no buts.
He says that he isn't talking with her and hasn't for close to a month which MAY be true since the emails I found were from Nov 10th. BUT I find it very strange that they suddenly DONT speak any longer when it was an everyday thing for many months, AND it was NEVER through email PLUS why would she be emailing him through her PHONE? Uuuugghhhh...
 
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