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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Forewarning, this is kinda long...apologize in advance.
I have been married for 19 years to a kind,loving,and hardworking man with just one hang-up:he has been in contact with one of his exes since we've been married.
This ex has always had a hang-up when it comes to our marriage as she was the last person he had dated before he married me. She flirts with him, calls/texts him regularly (even when it's for "relationship" advice), etc. Yes, I've expressed to him on numerous occasions how much this bothers me but he consistently states that it's just her, not him, behaving in such ways, which I've found to be not very truthful as she knew a bit too much about my former issues with alcohol and my bi-polarism. But that's another story entirely, and I'm more concerned about the one at hand.
Around July-August she started "seeing" a married man she met in a bar (she had recently gone through her SECOND divorce), and luckily there was no heavy contact between herself and my husband, but as soon as the married fella dumped her? BAM! It started alll over again. They began to have lengthy conversations about my father-in-law's illness (cancer), her married guy, and one of her ex-husbands which bothered me quite a bit BUT I truly decided to give both of them, especially him, the benefit of the doubt and be an adult. It wasn’t long after that that my husband and I were planning a small get-together for a football game and she was invited…and while she got quite intoxicated all went well. BUT I noticed that my husband was being very, very reserved even though it was his utmost favorite team we were watching and they were winning!! Anyways, seeing that I felt that things weren’t nearly as I had believed them to be I overlooked his sullenness and actually agreed to let her take him to see his very ill father out of town late last month because I had to work and have two children that are still in school. Here’s what has occurred since:
2) Two weeks after he got back from visiting his father he suddenly decided to go visit his brother two weekends in a row to watch the game and spend the night.
3) The first weekend I was suspicious that he wasn’t at his brother’s, but the second weekend was worse: found out that my uncle had died suddenly, called him on the phone in tears, yet he acted as though he couldn’t be bothered to come home. As the night continued his answering of my texts and phone calls got farther and farther apart, then completely ending around 10:30pm. The next morning he called me around 5:30am saying he was heading home…got here in less than 30 minutes from a place that normally takes him well over 45 mins.
4) During the weeks that encompassed said weekends he worked late MANY nights yet his check didn’t reflect nearly that much overtime and he didn’t let me see the check stub.
5) Just 2 days ago I did the unthinkable and looked through his email and found some messages from her via Vtext (lets you text from Verizon’s website so the senders number won’t show up on the recipient’s bill)—obviously he didn’t realize that some of them DO show up on the email account he has attached to his phone. Here’s what the messages said:
a) What time do you get off of work today?
b) I’m sorry I was an idiot. I love you more than life itself!
c) I love and miss you!!
Soooo, I proceeded to let both of them know of my discovery, and while I got no reply from her I got plenty from him! Things he said: He has “no idea what those messages were about”; “it’s HER fantasy, not mine!”; “notice that there aren’t any more messages AFTER November 10th” (BTW, the weekends in question are Nov. 10th and 24th); “I married YOU, not HER”; “you’re the one that put me through hell with your alcoholism!!”; “You’re delusional and speculating…you have nothing proving that I did anything!”; “I’m acting this way because you’re accusing me of something I haven’t done…just speculating…and you’re driving me crazy!”. Plus he got very angry because I contacted her and said he didn’t need the headache of dealing with her.
What should I think? What should I do?
 

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At the very least your H has been having an emotional affair with this woman throughout your marriage, and I truly can't understand why you have tolerated this. As for their little trip out of town together - ludicrous, OP!

Don't let your H use your past alcohol problem or mental illness as a smokescreen or as an excuse for anything. Tell him in no uncertain terms that you want him to cut all ties and have positively no communication with this woman, and that you want total transparency regarding his phone and email accounts until you are satisfied that their relationship is over.

You might also consider asking one of the mods to move this thread to the coping with infidelity section, OP, because you will get more responses there.
 

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It is possible that it's her fantasy only. I wouldn't judge yet as situations like this do make us women a bit paranoid. His reaction looks quite reasonable if he is saying the true. False accusations cause the partner to distance themselves and trying to avoid pointless conversations. Cheating husbands usually become more affectionate to wife and more careful then leaving emails like that on their computer without password protecting it.
 

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It if looks and feels like an affair to you, it's an affair. You know your husband's normal behavior. Men have double standards....and his throwing your past issues at you shows GUILT of some sort. How would he feel if you were all buddy buddy with an ex? AND...WHY IN THE WORLD WOULD YOU LET HER DRIVE HIM SOMEWHERE opening up the chance for an affair? You need to tell him you are uncomfortable with the relationship..and he needs to stop seeing her and giving her any kind of counseling advice. (Emotional need/friendship erupts into sexual relationships very easily)
 

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PLEASE. DO NOT LET HIM GASLIGHT YOU! This is total BS. He is having an affair and has been in an emotional affair throughout your marriage. Do you have kids? Tell him you want to see his paycheck stub or see if you can get a copy from his work. Give him an ultimatum, It's you or her period. You don't care whether he thinks it's fair or correct or even if he thinks you are crazy. You need absolute transparency or he is history.

Do you think his brother will tell you the truth? Or maybe his brother's wife if he has one?
 

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The H keeping in touch with an ex and going out of town with her is no fantasy. This is highly inappropriate behaviour for a married man.
 

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If I wanted to save the marriage, I'd make it very clear. "Yes, you did marry me and not her. From now on I expect you to cut her out of our lives altogether or I promise that you'll never hear another complaint from me about your communications with her because you'll be single and free to do as you wish."
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Thank you all soooo very much for the advice. I pretty much know what I believe to be the truth IS and what I should do, but I've begged and pleaded with him to stop all contact with her many, many times and he refuses to do so. It's obvious that divorce is inevitable and that he doesn't give a rat's azz!
 

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OP, if a friendship with an ex is more important to him than his relationship with his wife, then IMO he's leaving you no choice in the matter. He's placed you in an untenable situation and he has to know that.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
I know, I know...it just makes me feel as though I've been nothing but a replacement/used to make her jealous all these years. Not to mention very, very sad:(
 

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I know, I know...it just makes me feel as though I've been nothing but a replacement/used to make her jealous all these years. Not to mention very, very sad:(
OP, he's been playing a very foolish game over the years, and you've been very tolerant of it. Things have now just gone a little too far (the trip and the "I love you" text messages), and it sounds as though he thinks that if he acts defensively, you'll go back to accepting his ex in your lives.

I'm sure this has all hurt you terribly, but his behaviour really does have to come to an end. Have you considered MC?
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
He has VERY adamantly refused MC, and lord knows I've brought it up. I've determined, right or not, that he DOESN'T want to be with me any longer yet is wanting ME to make the decision so that HE won't look like the "bad guy".
 

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He has VERY adamantly refused MC, and lord knows I've brought it up. I've determined, right or not, that he DOESN'T want to be with me any longer yet is wanting ME to make the decision so that HE won't look like the "bad guy".
Then I'd place the ball firmly in his court. I'd tell him that it is either you or the ex, and the choice is his. He's hardly going to look the good guy if he chooses an ex over his wife!
 

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He wants YOU to pull the plug so YOU can look like 'the bad guy'? FINE! Do it HIS way.

1. Get an attorney, NOW.
2. Get all your ducks in a row.
3. When the time is right, copy your original post from this thread; clean it up (more lines between paragraphs) edit out the info re: your drinking/illness and FOCUS the writing on HIS INAPPROPRIATE RELATIONSHIP WITH HER. Be sure to include her REAL NAME (so when he starts bringing this bimbo around to family functions, EVERYONE is aware that THIS IS THE SKANK he gave up his marriage for...BTW, he's a SKANK, too; I'm an equal-opportunity insulter!) then send out a MASS E-MAIL to everyone that you and STBXH are getting divorced!

Your Email title could be "We're getting divorced [seriously!]

Your opening salvo can be "(Hubby's name) wants ME to pull the plug/pull the trigger on this marriage so that he won't have to appear to be the bad guy.

Here is MY side of the story. You may feel free to talk to (hubby's name) and (skank's name) for HIS side of the story.

At least THE TRUTH will be OUT THERE and you can hold your head up that you WERE heard (he and skank will start re-writing history IMMEDIATELY as news of your divorce filing gets out.)
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
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I'm just soooo confused! Part of me wants to believe him when he says it's just her yet the other part believes that they've been discretely talking/meeting, or at least did in the recent and/or not so recent past. He is VERY adamant that nothing has or is happening BUT my youngest son just told me that he witnessed something when I was receiving treatment for my mental illness: he saw HER stroking my hubb's head when both were sitting on the couch. Hubbs said it was her just being kind because he was distraught over my being ill and in treatment. Oh, and she also bought my boys Halloween costumes and brought the fam dinner one night. AAAAARRRGGGHHHH!!! :mad:
 
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