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Discussion Starter #21
I asked him many many times, after all he makes 1/3 of a million per year. I dont go on shopping trips or none of it. I stay home with my baby for a few months more. With the costs of daycare, my income of 60k seemed a bit irrelevent , which he told me. But he goes back and forth, “when are you going back to work/ to “ take all the time you need, your income wont change anything” to “ our son should socialize in daycare” to “ find a job that you like but take your time” to its okay if you never find a job but how do you contribute exactly”? I also breastfeed 3 times a night.
 

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I asked him many many times, after all he makes 1/3 of a million per year. I dont go on shopping trips or none of it. I stay home with my baby for a few months more. With the costs of daycare, my income of 60k seemed a bit irrelevent , which he told me. But he goes back and forth, “when are you going back to work/ to “ take all the time you need, your income wont change anything” to “ our son should socialize in daycare” to “ find a job that you like but take your time” to its okay if you never find a job but how do you contribute exactly”? I also breastfeed 3 times a night.
Is it just me, or is anyone else starting to question the validity of this posting?
 

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Well I agree. I think I need to serve him those divorce papers. Loved him alot but im quite fed up of this dynamic. I think im best off one week with my two kids and one week alone working on myself.
You are not an innocent victim here! You used a knife to threaten him ffs! You both need anger management and have no business bringing up young kids tbh.
 

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Discussion Starter #25
I was answering the person who said he disagreed with me staying home. I just want to know , how many of you would try and work on this, and how many would get a divorce.
 

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By reading all this stuff I posted, I realize how my life is torn apart, I finally understand why they say kids decrease your quality of life, marriage is a stupid society construct, my kids deserve better and I probably should bring them to relatives. If therapy fails I have a bunch of rivotrils that Im considering mixing with alcohol. Has anyone here lost it and attempted suicide? Im not saying I will do it, im saying its the most relieving dark thought in my mind. Perhaps spending the rest of my life in a psych ward may feel better than this life that I should be grateful for.
You need help. You are also playing the ‘oh woe is me’ card here. You have your issues, you are not entirely innocent. Take care f your own side of the road and clean up your act. Do it for your kids.
 

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There are just too many things that are inconsistent.
That is because she needs serious help. Have you seen a doctor lately. You may be suffering from post partum or even PTSD.

That is why you are all over the place. I honestly think you have not been well since your first husband, and that is why you fell for this other abusive husband. You don't have the tools to get out of this dysfunction.

You blame yourself for the men hitting or mistreating you. That may be true and it is part of your illness. If they were healthy, they wouldn't hit you st all. They would leave you and demand you seek professional help. Instead, they get abusive. Well, that is because they ARE abusive.

When we are not healthy, we attract unhealthy partners!
 

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Oh, my...

Give up the kids to adoption.
Give up your life to bettering yourself.

.....................................................................................

The thing about children.....

They grow up and can often be supportive and helpful.
They are a built in support group.

If...

If, you treat them with respect.
And, treat yourself and others with respect.

Life is short.
Making it shorter without waiting to see what next month, next year brings is, uh, foolish.

Learn to live, day by day, not worrying so much about one bad day, one bad month.

If you must use drugs, have them prescribed by a Medical Doctor, not a street pusher.





[THM]- Lilith
 

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Discussion Starter #30
I agree 100% with everything. But people mention “ help” like it is granted. I showed up 3 times at the psych ward here to get help, but each time they made me wait on a bench for 9 hours and said my case was not urgent because I have no intention to kill myself. When I finally saw someone they were dismissive and told me to try Seroquel to sleep better. That made me a zombie and made me feel worse. I am on a waiting list to see a psychiatrist in 3 months. Finally the 3 different therapists I consulted kept asking me open ended questions, blamed my childhood for all my issues, and gave me no tools, all while rushing me out when my hour was over. If anyone on here ever actually received helped that worked, please elaborate!!!
 

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Have you tried going to your general practitioner for help? (Seroquel is not a sleep aid, kinda shocked they prescribed that for that reason.) Maybe your GP can get you on an antidepressant until you can get in to see the psychiatrist. You may need other types of drugs to help you, but you can at least maybe keep a grip on yourself in the meantime...
 

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I never pointed the knife at the baby. My husbad had him to his far left, i pointed the knife in the air and yeller “give me my baby!!!” Then i put it down because i realized it was stupid and i would never stab anyone.
The humiliation I fell from the unbearable pain from the broom on my back is what made me call the cops. He slammed it so hard I never believe he could have done that. I collapsed and couldnt get up for 15 min. I have huge bruises and the broom even almost broke ( its torn) i know i provoked him, and i know my anger issues, i would gladly work on them, but my real question is if there is a way to forget / forgive the broom on my back.
Thank you for the clarification. I fully understand that you were in mama bear mode. I fully believe that you were, under those circumstances, capable of stabbing a person.
My Dad wound up with a fork embedded in the bridge of his nose. He was able to come back from that and the marriage recovered. They had many years together until he died of cancer (2013).
Now I said that my dad could come back from a knife threat, because he came back from a fork assault. I told you I could not. I could not return to a relationship That involved proof of the real threat of physical violence. Not Knife, Not Broom, Not firearms, Not fists. It is my "dealbreaker". Now there are a lot of members here who know what I do put up with and forgive and live with. And it may seem silly to them that this is the line for me.

I don't know where your husbands line is. I don't know where your line is. I strongly Absolutely believe that you two should not see each other without supervision for at least 6 weeks. This is born out by statistics. You are in danger of killing each other. Over babysitting for 2 hours. Yes this is very serious. Yes get help. Yes tell them that you threatened your husband with a knife, and some dope isn't going to cut it.

I would give the exact same advice to your husband, With the reminder that this is third strike for him. He has enough money to pay for the help you both need.
 

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You should of never lied about what he did. If you need to go to court to fight for custody you will now have a "history" of either false allegations, or lying.

Plus if you went to court to get custody this could of worked in your favor.
 

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Discussion Starter #34
This is what I thought of after. Maybe therapists will help us maybe not. But now i look like the crazie who lied about something that actually happened where I was the victim of assault, ( and guilty of threatening with knife) . I am seeing a lawyer tomorrow. I hope it resolves and if custody is in question, lets say he is not sorry, becomes worse, doesn’t want to work things out, or becomes violent again, his ex will surely back me up because I think she is already filing for sole custody after this incident. I may or may not have mentionned that his son witnessed many violent fights between my husband and the previous step mother, and the mother filed for custody twice but lost. Im not too sure how the system works, if domestic violence affects custody anyway...
 

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If you lied because you were scared of what he would do, then let them know.

My ex started getting abusive with me verbally, then swinging at me, I was too scared to make a report and get him in trouble.

In hindsight I should of.
 

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Im not too sure how the system works, if domestic violence affects custody anyway...
Yes, it does. You are expected by law to provide a stable environment for a child and there is nothing stable about your household. Studies have proven that a child witnessing their parents and get violent makes them more likely to be abusive or get into an abusive relationship than being abused by a parent. Your husband's son is experiencing problems with violence because he has seen your husband and his ex-wife get violent many many times. Do you want your kids to become like him? If not, you need to get far away from your husband.

I also want you to know that I know multiple abusive and violent men who beat their first wife and older kids who then went on to marry a woman who abused them and treat her kids very well. Suddenly they weren't nearly as violent as they had been when they had someone even more violent to keep them in line. Not saying that's good at all and I don't how frequently you throw things at him, punch him, or threaten him with knives but it's very possible that his ex-wife is telling the truth about him and he is lying about what happened. The correct response to violence is to get away from that person and get police involved.

You need to realize that this needs to be a huge wake up call. Everything about this situation needs to change because now that the police are involved and custody is being disputed, you are just as much at risk of losing both of your kids as he is. You can do everything right from this point forward and still lose custody. You ****ed up big time for even getting involved with him. At this point, I too question whether the kids actually are better off with your exes because I'm sure they both have a laundry list of terrible things both you and your husband have done to compare notes with.

Get a lawyer with his money, the joint checking account, whatever you can to get them paid. Do everything they tell you to do. That's the only chance you've got.
 

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I just wonder if a marriage can recover from a 911 call, and a tired overworked husband who spent one night in a cell, and now all the lawyers we will have to spend on when we just purchased a house....thank you
Yes, possibly. But can it recover from a racist, misogynistic, violent bully? Not so sure on that one.

And now your son knows he thinks your son is a n****r, how do you think your son should respond to that? :scratchhead:
 

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How long have the two of you been married?

Maybe its selfish, but what about thinking only of his older son on his day off? What about being happy to have both his sons for 2 hours and then having time alone with the eldest? I find that his older son alwyas takes priority,
You are talking about “Ben”, right? Many men do not relate well to babies but do a lot better with the child as he gets older. This might be the case with your husband. If so, he will bond more with the baby as he gets older.

and I havent mentionned that the school thinks he is a psychopath because he talks about killing women, he lies and talks back to professors, and ive been trying to be extra supportive, understand that he has all these psychological appointments.
Ben, the 8-year-old, talks about killing women at school? Really?
What does his psychiatrist say about his anti-social behavior? This sounds like some very bad, serious issues that the boy has.
I find that my husband doesnt realize that yelling, insulting, believing his sons lies have actually enforced the bad behaviors of his older son, and he still prioritizes the time with this son rather than seeing that a break from the baby for 2 hours could be beneficial, and he is not a nanny, he is the father.
It sounds like your husband has anger issues. It sounds like there was violence with his ex-wife and his ex-girl friend. So he’s violent and picks women who are violent.
I sold my condo for this house, i resigned from work and I cook and clean, im sorry but for all of you saying i needed to shut up and be grateful, im sure many of you dont realize that if your wife works she doesnt have the time to care for the baby and cook and clean. Its a full time job as well.
Who here is telling you to shut up and be grateful? I see a lot of people saying that there are huge problems in your marriage and that both you and he have anger and violent tendencies.

You want him to apologize for hitting you with the broom. Well you owe him an apology too for throwing things at him and threatening him with a knife.

On the topic of saving your marriage or divorce. The two of you cannot continue in this marriage the way it is. At least you should not.

If you want to try to save the marriage, you two should probably live apart for a while and the each of you work on yourself. The only person you can change is yourself, so that’s where you should focus.

You say that the counselors that you have seen have not helped. Have you tried reading some self-help books. Honestly I’ve found them more helpful than counseling most of the time. Here are two that are very good:

The Dance of Anger: A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships by Harriet Lerner

The Anger Management Workbook for Women: A 5-Step Guide to Managing Your Emotions and Breaking the Cycle of Anger
by Julie Catalano MSW LICSW, Dr. Sandra P Thomas PhD

The point is that you can stop almost 100% of the angry outbursts and violence by simply refusing to engage in it. I was married to a guy who was angry of sometimes physically violent. The book "The Dance of Anger" taught me who to put an end to what seemed like him constantly starting angry arguments that often escalated to him saying hateful things, yelling, and even pushing me, hitting me, etc.

What I learned is that when I noticed that a discussion was escalating, to not engage. Do not defend yourself verbally. Do not try to correct or rationalize. Instead just walk away. The book describes what I call the "STOP" method. Just stop arguing and walk away. Just tell him, "Stop", I'm done talking until we have both calmed down.

It takes two to argue.

Look at the fight you describe in your original post, you threw things at him, hit him, punched him, pointed a knife at him while he was holding the baby. And now you are surprised that he used a broom to put an end to your assault on him? Yea, he should not have done that. But you should not have started the violence.
 

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Also.....

It's pretty clear that your husband resents supporting you and 6 year old son. Does the father of your 6 year old son pay any child support?

He's not happy that you are not working. He has no respect for the work that you do in taking care of the children, to include his son.

How many hours a week does he work?

If you two ever get back together, I suggest you get a job and then the two of you pay to hire a nanny and housekeeper. That way you are not doing all the work around the house, all the child care and holding down a job.
 
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