Hello, I am new here (just now signed up) and I have a problem. Well, at least my husband thinks that I do. I am 35 years old, I have no kids and my husband and I have been married for 4 years at the end of this month. I have been with my husband since 2002 though.
Here's the "problem." My husband thinks sex is the most important part of marriage, and I highly disagree. In fact, sex is not important to me at all. When we first got together, we would have sex at least once a day, and as the relationship went on, it became less and less. He seems to think I don't love him and I'm not attracted to him. This is not true. I just think sex is overrated and the more important aspects of marriage are trust, repect and loyality.
This has caused many arguements, but seriously, wouldn't you get sick of your husband getting mad and saying "are you ever gonna f**k me?" or "now can we have sex??" every day?
Okay so either my husband is a huge hornball who just refuses to grow up or I'm a huge prude....
I suspect it is somewhere in between. If I wrote a list of the ten most important things to me in my marriage, sex would be as high as number two or as low as number three. I suspect that most guys would place it at a similar level. I think your husband could handle the asking for sex part better. I also think that you could do a better job of meeting his needs as a man. I am inclined to believe that if he were to have joined and phrased the same issue from his point of view he would be told to either 180 or start looking into divorce. A very important line in my wedding vows said foresaking all others. That means I gave up my chance at every other woman in the world. If you are not going to make it worth his while, how can you expect him to keep his vows? Posted via Mobile Device
I always tend to think of it as the 'cherry on top', rather than 'the most important thing'. Us men do see it as important though, that's just the way we are wired up On the other hand though, desperation and constant nagging is only going to turn a woman off.
Maybe you can try to meet in the middle somewhere? He makes you feel more relaxed and special, and you agree to put more effort into the area of intimacy? His current approach is only going to create tension, so maybe the best thing is to explain why you feel the way you do about this area. As long as it's something you are willing to work on though. Good luck
Well you have all made good points. While I do not believe he is the type to stray (he's too shy around anyone else but me), I do get your point, Jakobi. Come to think of it, there has been some stress lately with our families, maybe that's a part of me not wanting it? I don't know and I don't want to make excuses for myself. And yes Liam, his approcah only succeeds in turning me off. Clearly we both need to work on this. I will do some brainstorming and sit him down for a heart to heart. Thanks everyone!
Well you have all made good points. While I do not believe he is the type to stray (he's too shy around anyone else but me), I do get your point, Jakobi. Come to think of it, there has been some stress lately with our families, maybe that's a part of me not wanting it? I don't know and I don't want to make excuses for myself. And yes Liam, his approcah only succeeds in turning me off. Clearly we both need to work on this. I will do some brainstorming and sit him down for a heart to heart. Thanks everyone!
Really? Ya think? Not saying he will but if you think: "Hey, I can play mind games with hubby, as he'll never be able to get another woman" that's not fair of you, is it?:scratchhead:
It's not whether sex is important. It's whether your husband is important; whether your marriage is important. Pooh Poohing his needs is the same as telling him that he doesn't matter and neither does your marriage. He's not asking to get off. He can do that himself and with a lot less drama. He's turning to his wife because he needs to feel intimate with her. That aint important?
I never said his needs are not important. He gets intamacy and attention and appreciation.. all without sex. I was never 'poo-poohing" his needs, I was merely wondering why sex specifically was so important when he knows I love him.
Oh boy, how common is you dilemma. You need to speak each others languages. Get this book and take a look at this site. You should both take the quiz. Enjoy.
Why do you say that wanting sex is "refusing to grow up"?
Also keep this in mind, trust, respect and loyalty will be the first three things thrown out when the good looking coworker catches the eyes of a spouse in a low sex marriage.
Men and women have different needs - if you want him to respect yours, why shouldn't you respect his? They don't have to be the same to be legitimate. This is what he is, so do you really love all of him or only selective parts?
If sex is good it's 10% of the marriage. If it's bad (or rare) it's 90% of the marriage. Oh, and I agree with him. If you think sex is "not important to me at all" then you've got a huge problem. I also tend to agree with him that if you don't want it then chances are you probably are not that attracted to him anymore. Yup, you two have issues. And if it's solvable, then the first step is to admit it's a problem.
Ok I'm beginning to see this was a huge mistake. Unless you know my husband personally, you have no place to tell me what he will and won't do. But Maricha did make one good point. I need to be more attuned to his "way of feeling loved."
Then this clearly is not the right place to ask this question? Unless the only answer you wanted was: "You husband needs to grow up! No one needs sex more than once a month!"
And that's not asking a question, that's seeking validation for a pre-determined viewpoint.
I think your making the classic mistake of assuming your husband should think like you - a woman. If he's healthy your husband will not be fulfilled as a man if he cannot have mutually enjoyable sex with his wife. If your rejecting him for whatever reason eventually his resentment will grow until he must take some action. He may not have the confidence or lack of character to cheat, but he will leave you emotionally. He will check out and begin to seek attention elsewhere if he's still alive. You sound very unimpressed with him and I would imagine that can't help with your desire. If he needs to "man up" then you should tell him so. How would you react if he withdrew from you on every level? Remember,it's the quiet guys who go ape **** crazy when they've had enough.
Don't make the mistake of believing that your husband is 'not the type to stray' . I believed that about my husband, with every fibre of my being, and I was WRONG.
I get where you're coming from with his technique though - that would turn me off. It seems that the problem is that he does not put enough effort into seducing you in a way that makes you desire him physically. Not sure what I'd do about that but there's sure to be some good books on the topic. Does he like to read?
........002 though.
Here's the "problem." My husband thinks sex is the most important part of marriage, and I highly disagree. In fact, sex is not important to me at all. When we first got together, we would have sex at least once a day, and as the relationship went on, it became less and less. He seems to think I don't love him and I'm not attracted to him. This is not true. I just think sex is overrated and the more important aspects of marriage are trust, repect and loyality........
This is not a competition of who is right about what is the most important thing in marriage, but if you treat it that way you are both going to be losers.
He will lose sex, you will lose trust, respect and loyalty.
IMHO a ggood, healthy and strong marriage has sex as one of it's major foundations along with trust, respect and loyalty.
Take it from a sexless marriage survivor, if you take sex (which really is about connection and intimacy) away from him, you won't be married for long.
And what is not to like about sex? Maybe this needs to be addressed.
My suggestion is to buy (or better yet, download on Kindle) "Married Man Sex Life Primer". It's a book about much much more than sex. It's all about male/female relationships and it's a really easy read. I suggest that you read it first (you'll learn a lot) and then give it to him as a gift for him to read.
I read it first when I bought it, just to be sure that it would be helpful to our situation. Some aspects I wasn't too sure about but all in all I think that it is a really good book. It's also very easy to read and has a lot of 'laugh out loud' lines in it.
Just an aside here - I find the concept of being 'asked' for sex quite weird. Neither of my two husbands, or previous and in between BF's have ever done that. Sex has always just happened.
I think I would find asking a put off, always. Does that make me weird?
Agree 100%. I never ask. My wife thinks asking is the appropriate way to initiate. So she'll say "you wanna get busy?" I find the very question to be a turn off. I told her that for the 100th time a couple days ago. She said well how am I supposed to initiate then, I'm never sure if you'll want to or not. So I said hey, just go down there and start....I won't stop you. I only stop you when you come right out and ask that way because it makes me feel uncomfortable.
These things are all intertwined. Women tend to only want sex from men they trust and respect. Loyalty can be short lived without sex. Respect "follows" trust and sex follows respect. None of them live in a vacuum. To say than any one of them is unimportant is a mistake for sure.
Thanks for the suggestion, Working. I will find that book. But, I still don't agree with something. It's not that I want sex from someone else and it's not that I don't love, respect and trust him. If I could want sex as much as he does, I would. But I'm just not built that way. To me sex is physical, not emotional, so it isn't as important. And before everyone jumps on that, no I have never been sexually violated in any way. That's just how I see it.
And Enginerd, excuse me for being human....
Read the book. Things will start making more sense. I was in a low sex marriage and thought my wife just didn't have a desire for sex. One of the first things I realized was that she was just low desire "for me". Given the right man and the right behaviors, all of a sudden the desire comes flooding back. There are countless stories on this website about wives who were low desire and then started cheating and did all kinds of freaky things with their affair partner. You yourself were into sex in a big way at the beginning, right?
Just remember, just because you think sex is physical for you and not emotional, doesn't mean it is to him. By the way, even though you say it's physical and not emotional, I don't believe that for one second. If sex carried with it no emotions then you would not be so offended at the idea that he could cheat. It's clearly an emotionally charged issue for you. And be very careful, saying that it's just physical has been used as an excuse for cheating for eons.
Now that was the way to say it, not by resorting to insults, thank you Bandit for talking to me like I'm a human! I will take what you said into consideration and I will read the book suggested in this post
Look they dont teach us this stuff in grade school. Our parents were clueless.
But seriously... you have to look at this as a very serious threat to your marriage. If you and hubby cannot get on the same page the two of you are heading for trouble. All the books the others have listed are good ones.
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