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Discussion Starter #1
Hello, I am new here (just now signed up) and I have a problem. Well, at least my husband thinks that I do. I am 35 years old, I have no kids and my husband and I have been married for 4 years at the end of this month. I have been with my husband since 2002 though.
Here's the "problem." My husband thinks sex is the most important part of marriage, and I highly disagree. In fact, sex is not important to me at all. When we first got together, we would have sex at least once a day, and as the relationship went on, it became less and less. He seems to think I don't love him and I'm not attracted to him. This is not true. I just think sex is overrated and the more important aspects of marriage are trust, repect and loyality.
This has caused many arguements, but seriously, wouldn't you get sick of your husband getting mad and saying "are you ever gonna f**k me?" or "now can we have sex??" every day?
Okay so either my husband is a huge hornball who just refuses to grow up or I'm a huge prude....

Anyone?
 

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I suspect it is somewhere in between. If I wrote a list of the ten most important things to me in my marriage, sex would be as high as number two or as low as number three. I suspect that most guys would place it at a similar level. I think your husband could handle the asking for sex part better. I also think that you could do a better job of meeting his needs as a man. I am inclined to believe that if he were to have joined and phrased the same issue from his point of view he would be told to either 180 or start looking into divorce. A very important line in my wedding vows said foresaking all others. That means I gave up my chance at every other woman in the world. If you are not going to make it worth his while, how can you expect him to keep his vows?
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I always tend to think of it as the 'cherry on top', rather than 'the most important thing'. Us men do see it as important though, that's just the way we are wired up :eek: On the other hand though, desperation and constant nagging is only going to turn a woman off.

Maybe you can try to meet in the middle somewhere? He makes you feel more relaxed and special, and you agree to put more effort into the area of intimacy? His current approach is only going to create tension, so maybe the best thing is to explain why you feel the way you do about this area. As long as it's something you are willing to work on though. Good luck :)
 

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What Jacobi said!
 

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Discussion Starter #5
Well you have all made good points. While I do not believe he is the type to stray (he's too shy around anyone else but me), I do get your point, Jakobi. Come to think of it, there has been some stress lately with our families, maybe that's a part of me not wanting it? I don't know and I don't want to make excuses for myself. And yes Liam, his approcah only succeeds in turning me off. Clearly we both need to work on this. I will do some brainstorming and sit him down for a heart to heart. Thanks everyone!
 

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It's not whether sex is important. It's whether your husband is important; whether your marriage is important. Pooh Poohing his needs is the same as telling him that he doesn't matter and neither does your marriage. He's not asking to get off. He can do that himself and with a lot less drama. He's turning to his wife because he needs to feel intimate with her. That aint important?
 

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Oh boy, how common is you dilemma. You need to speak each others languages. Get this book and take a look at this site. You should both take the quiz. Enjoy.

The 5 Love Languages®
 
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Discussion Starter #8
It's not whether sex is important. It's whether your husband is important; whether your marriage is important. Pooh Poohing his needs is the same as telling him that he doesn't matter and neither does your marriage. He's not asking to get off. He can do that himself and with a lot less drama. He's turning to his wife because he needs to feel intimate with her. That aint important?
I never said his needs are not important. He gets intamacy and attention and appreciation.. all without sex. I was never 'poo-poohing" his needs, I was merely wondering why sex specifically was so important when he knows I love him.
 

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Why do you say that wanting sex is "refusing to grow up"?

Also keep this in mind, trust, respect and loyalty will be the first three things thrown out when the good looking coworker catches the eyes of a spouse in a low sex marriage.
 

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God, how many marriages have gone south because her libido dies and/or his romantic side takes a permanent vacation.

Wish I knew then..

Any way, go jump on your husband. Right now. Even if you don't want to. Tell him you can't take it anymore, you have to have him RIGHT NOW.

You'll be glad you did.
 

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Why do you say that wanting sex is "refusing to grow up"?

Also keep this in mind, trust, respect and loyalty will be the first three things thrown out when the good looking coworker catches the eyes of a spouse in a low sex marriage.
I was referring to his nagging for sex. And as I said before, believe what you want, but he is not the type to stray.
 

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I never said his needs are not important. He gets intamacy and attention and appreciation.. all without sex. I was never 'poo-poohing" his needs, I was merely wondering why sex specifically was so important when he knows I love him.
Simply put, many men view sex as the way they feel loved... not just intimacy and attention. Intimacy covers a wide variety of areas, not just sex. I'm guessing, from the way you have explained it, appreciation, attention, intimacy would be how YOU feel loved... i.e. your love language. You likely have a mix of a couple, but one is slightly more dominant.

Well you have all made good points. While I do not believe he is the type to stray (he's too shy around anyone else but me)
Believe me, this means NOTHING when it comes to cheating. If someone sees him as vulnerable, she will prey on it, believe me. It won't matter how shy he is. If someone is giving him attention, he will enjoy it...if he is so inclined. Being shy has nothing to do with it whatsoever.
 

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I was referring to his nagging for sex. And as I said before, believe what you want, but he is not the type to stray.
That's what I thought about my husband. He always said flirting equals cheating... and he got involved in an emotional affair because I wasn't meeting HIS needs. So yes, it DOES happen, even when we believe they aren't the "type" to cheat.
 

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Well you have all made good points. While I do not believe he is the type to stray (he's too shy around anyone else but me), I do get your point, Jakobi. Come to think of it, there has been some stress lately with our families, maybe that's a part of me not wanting it? I don't know and I don't want to make excuses for myself. And yes Liam, his approcah only succeeds in turning me off. Clearly we both need to work on this. I will do some brainstorming and sit him down for a heart to heart. Thanks everyone!
Really? Ya think? Not saying he will but if you think: "Hey, I can play mind games with hubby, as he'll never be able to get another woman" that's not fair of you, is it?:scratchhead:
 

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If sex is good it's 10% of the marriage. If it's bad (or rare) it's 90% of the marriage. Oh, and I agree with him. If you think sex is "not important to me at all" then you've got a huge problem. I also tend to agree with him that if you don't want it then chances are you probably are not that attracted to him anymore. Yup, you two have issues. And if it's solvable, then the first step is to admit it's a problem.
 

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Discussion Starter #19
Ok I'm beginning to see this was a huge mistake. Unless you know my husband personally, you have no place to tell me what he will and won't do. But Maricha did make one good point. I need to be more attuned to his "way of feeling loved."
 

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I never said his needs are not important. He gets intamacy and attention and appreciation.. all without sex. I was never 'poo-poohing" his needs, I was merely wondering why sex specifically was so important when he knows I love him.
No! That's not how it works! It really isn't!

He needs sex with his wife. So, yes, you are poo-poohing his needs.

You are sending out mixed messages.

"I Love you honey! just not enough to let you have sex with me..."
 
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