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I saw sparks

1784 Views 16 Replies 12 Participants Last post by  TiggyBlue, 
B
Hi!
Here's my story. You'll have to excuse my English, as French in my first language, Merci!

I'm 32, father of 2 beautiful little girls, they're 2 and 4 years old. I've been married for 5 years now and we been together for 8 years.

Our couple is not in its best shape, we were distant for the last year or so because of my wife's strong attitude that I've been dealing with. Even her family and close friends are having difficulties with it. I won't go too much in details here, but it's something she's has been working on. The lack of affection both physical and emotional. Her job take a lot of space. She's often stress out for little things that even her sometimes doesn't understand. And when she's pissed off against someone or something she can go days without talking to anyone... This is what I find to more difficult. I've told her several time in the past, how it affected me, she tried to change but this is who she is, you can't change someone, they can only try to make it better. I got tired and told her that I wasn't able to live like that anymore, that my feelings for her were different. I left the house for 5 days, it was rough. I then decided to give ourselves a chance. Family is really important to me, especially my daughters that I love so much!

I'll make this next part short as it could easily be a 100 pages story!

2 months ½ ago, I met a girl and we both saw sparks! I can't get her off my head, I have strong feelings for her. Same thing for her, all she does is to think about me and wants to be with me. I feel we would be happy together. I day dream about her, about what we could become together. She knows I'm married, that I have 2 little girls, she's very respectful about my status and I thank her for that. We never kissed or slept together, we only had a really big hug. We tried to stop communicating, it just got worst, I barely became sick as I was missing her too much, she also said the same. We both dropped tears thinking we might never be able to be together. "Sometimes life's just not fair..."

I'm scared of making the move, to have to see my 2 girls only half the time and how it will affect them. My feelings for my wife are now like to one you have for a really good friend, it has been like that for the past year or so. We went to couple counseling... didn't really help. I'm currently seeing a personal counselor, I find that they don't really help, they listen and make me talk, no guide, tips or good advice.

I've been praying day and night, asking for guidance and strength and to make me do the right choice.

Is there anyone out there that lived a similar situation that would be able to help me?

I thank you for taking your time to read me!
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S
You may want to read some of the posts from folks who have been cheated on or left for another person in the Coping with Infidelity portion of the site.

You're having an emotional affair with this woman and sound like you're in a VERY thick affair fog.
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Broken at 20
You felt those same sparks for your wife that you are feeling for this woman at one time or another.
Otherwise, you wouldn't have married your wife. At least I hope.

If you really want to chase this dream off in la-la land, and think everything is going to be fine and dandy, here is the road map:
DIVORCE
Fair settlement
Take care of your kids
Then go off and date this woman

Notice how divorce comes before dating?
That is because you can't date this other woman while keeping your wife in the wings.

But here is a little advice for fixing your marriage.
The grass is greener on the side you water.

Start doing Marriage counseling. And force your wife to go.
Start being more affectionate with her. Try getting her to open up.
Try getting her to love you.

If after a while, your wife still won't change her ways (and during this time, you better not contact or talk to that other woman!) then you can divorce, knowing you tried your hardest to make it work, then go after the other woman once your divorce is finalized and not a day before.
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D
Ugh...another woman homewrecking. Disgusting.
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KathyBatesel
BlueNeckPillow,

You have to make a choice. If you are not compatible with your wife, leave her. If you are, then ditch the other woman.

Yes, your choice will affect other people. Nothing will change that. Is the other woman worth sacrificing or changing the relationship you have with your daughters? Only you can answer that. You could go to her and find that it's not nearly as good as you think it is, that your children resent you and your wife stays vicious about you for many years. But then again, maybe she is the soul mate that can soothe all that hurt.

There's no way to predict the future. Sometimes you have to make a choice and live with the consequences.
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C
I would cut out the affair, not focus on yourself and do whatever it takes to get your wife to work with you. Talk to her about your thoughts and feelings.

If you feel that there is a point where you've done everything you can and you can look your little girls in the eye one day without guilt stating you leaving their mother was for the best then getting a divorce may be your option.

Just b/c things are tough doesn't mean that you can't work through them and figure out how to work together on and in your marriage.

All the above tips were good as well.

Joe
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S
:
ScarletBegonias said:
You may want to read some of the posts from folks who have been cheated on or left for another person in the Coping with Infidelity portion of the site.

You're having an emotional affair with this woman and sound like you're in a VERY thick affair fog.
Click to expand...
:iagree:


Of course you feel the new woman is so strong - it's called "lust"!

The new girl is 'shiny, new & exciting'.

She comes without baggage, without the ups downs, and boring domesticity that a marriage, or long-term relationship has.

You say that your marriage has been struggling for the last year? That'd tie in with the 7 year itch. Your marriage is bogged down with homelife & predictability... any new 'connection' will seem more potent.

I understand that your wife has some problems, but please re-read what you wrote. You are effectively blaming your wife for your difficulties... this is typical of someone looking for an excuse to cheat. You are giving yourself permission to emotionally check out and pursue new skirt, because you want to.

Lots of people cheat & leave spouses for other people. But, if you were like that, then why post here? Why not just bail out, destroy your family & set up home with this bright new toy? I guess by posting on here, you must at some level, know it isn't the right thing to do.

If you genuinely don't love your wife anymore, then the *right* thing to do would be, would be to end your marriage & *stop* all contact with this other girl too. You should leave your marriage and be alone.

This girl represents one of two things; either she is an exit affair, where you want to leave your marriage, but don't want to be alone. Or, you are in such deep lust, that you are not thinking clearly. Both of these can only be disastrous.

I really don't think you love this girl. You're infatuated with her - yes, but you don't love her. You want to be with her, so you're demonising your wife, and emotionally distancing yourself from her.

My honest opinion would be to stop all contact with this other girl. Then try to rekindle the 'sparks' with your wife. Try to focus all this romantic feelings on her.

If you honestly cannot love your wife anymore, then leave her, be alone & act with integrity.

Your post didn't sound that way though. It didn't start with how unhappy your marriage was. It sounds that there are issues, rather than do the "sickness & health" bit, you meet another girl, see "sparks" and feel she is your soulmate. Please think about what love really means. It means sharing history, children, bad & good times... it does not mean "sparks".
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DayDream said:
Ugh...another woman homewrecking. Disgusting.
Click to expand...
And man, too, don't forget.
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B
Thanks Broken at 20: You're right, I know that's the way to do it, if it does happen. But like I said, I want to give a chance to my couple before, knowing I tried my hardest.

ScarletBegonias: I will search theses posts, thanks.

Kathy Batesel: That's exactly what we are trying to find out, if we're still compatible and what we can do to get that spark back.

Clark G: That's what I did 2 weeks ago, I went all in with my thoughts and feelings. But what do you do when your feelings are not as strong anymore?


Sunshine&Rain: Wow thanks for your reply. It makes me think alot.

It's hard to describe how hard it was during that past years, at some point I even thought she didn't love me anymore... In some of our last discussions, she said that she neglected our couple and said sorry. We had that discussion a lot of time and it never really changed.

My wife and I are still going to see the counselors.

We did stop contacting each other (me and the other girl).
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Chris Taylor
You are either 100% in to make the marriage work or you are spinning your wheels. I know it's hard to regain the feeling you had for your wife but you don't want to leave your marriage/family knowing you didn't do all you could to make it work.
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KathyBatesel
BlueNeckPillow said:
Kathy Batesel: That's exactly what we are trying to find out, if we're still compatible and what we can do to get that spark back.


We did stop contacting each other (me and the other girl).
Click to expand...
Well, the truth is, as long as the other woman is in your life at ALL, even if it's just her sending you song lyrics on occasion, you're not being loyal to your family.

Instead, you're letting yourself spend time focusing on a fantasy rather than making the most of the real people who share your home with you.
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B
When the feelings are gone and the chemistry is not there anymore, any tips on how to regain them?
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Hope Springs Eternal
Broken at 20 said:
You felt those same sparks for your wife that you are feeling for this woman at one time or another.
Otherwise, you wouldn't have married your wife. At least I hope.

If you really want to chase this dream off in la-la land, and think everything is going to be fine and dandy, here is the road map:
DIVORCE
Fair settlement
Take care of your kids
Then go off and date this woman

Notice how divorce comes before dating?
That is because you can't date this other woman while keeping your wife in the wings.

But here is a little advice for fixing your marriage.
The grass is greener on the side you water.

Start doing Marriage counseling. And force your wife to go.
Start being more affectionate with her. Try getting her to open up.
Try getting her to love you.

If after a while, your wife still won't change her ways (and during this time, you better not contact or talk to that other woman!) then you can divorce, knowing you tried your hardest to make it work, then go after the other woman once your divorce is finalized and not a day before.
Click to expand...
:iagree:
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TiggyBlue
DayDream said:
Ugh...another woman homewrecking. Disgusting.
Click to expand...
That's very unfair, it's not her relationship and the only home someone's responsible for wrecking is their own.
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W
The grass is greener on the side you water. .....that is a great quote!
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abitlost said:
That's very unfair, it's not her relationship and the only home someone's responsible for wrecking is their own.
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She knows he is a married man, with children, yet she is still waving her flag in his face to keep his attention. I can't respect women like that. Or men.
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TiggyBlue
Oh I agree with that but it's not her home to wreck, the only home she is responsible for wrecking is her own. Plus it sounds like they are both persuing the EA not just her.
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