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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
Sorry, this is going to go on a bit. And may ramble also.

I have known my wife since the late 70's, we have been an item since '88 and now married 14 years with two young children. I love her very much.

We are in the UK which means in a divorce, the children almost always stay with the mother unless drugs/violence is a danger (which it completely isn't). I will lose my children.

Early this year she was contacted on Facebook or Freinds Reunited (i think that one - she was using it to find out what had happened to some of her old school freinds) by an old flame. They arranged to meet in order to 'catch up' on each others lives over the last 20 years, my wife let me know all about this, asked if i minded ("i dont want you to be the jealous husbad and use this against me in some future situation") - the meeting would be 'open' and in a public place and midday. I gave her the OK. I love and (then) trust her

(#1: i now know meeting an ex - even openly - is rarely good news for a relationship)

They kept in touch, my wife would sometimes read me his chatty texts telling her about some semi-amusing home situation. and things seemed fine.

Then came City#1 (names changed in case she is reading this). One Saturday she spent all day here looking at (and purchasing) a fairly expensive and 'clever' sewing machine (she likes to make quilts). It was in the summer holidays as i was taking the children to my mums where they would stay for the week, the main point here is that when doing this i often stay overnight and drive home on the Sunday. Anyway the day before she tells me that the OM is on a course in City#1 and would like to meet for lunch - was this OK? etc, etc. "Fine" i reply. Now come the part where i have to do some math. City#1 is about a 1 hour drive from home, 1.5 if the traffic is bad, 2 if its awful. i got home from my mums (I didn't stay overnight) at 11pm, the house was dark and empty. "Oh, strange" i thought. She eventually got home at 2 in the morning and has never explained why. My math reckons that even if she was still buying her sewnig machine at 7 she should have bee home by 9, which leaves five hours which could easily have been spent with the OM, in his hotel room.

Time moves on. Their texts (especially his to her) gradually become more fruity (sexually suggestive) and they tend to email and phone at work.

Since getting a smart-phone in mid October she now deletes their texts fairly soon after sending/recieving

(#2: communicating secretly with an ex IS bad news)

In October i was plugging her mobile into the charger and i just happened to look at her recent texts from OM. One stood out, it said "32 days to go :)" Hmm i thought, is that his birthday and he'll get laid by his wife? I counted the days on he calender and realised that my wife was at a conference in City#2 that day and was then staying that night so she could meet an old (girl)freind who lived and worked in City#3, about 20 miles from City#2. Then on the Tuesday of the week she was going away (the conference was Friday/Saturday) she left her phone in her car which i saw when i went to check if the car was locked, i had a look, she had sent him a text that said ONLY the name of her hotel - that just looked like an invitation

(#3 - meeting an ex in secret is just disastrous for a relationship)

Despite her deleting all WS/OM messages her smart-phone has a (not-so-smart) setting where the first lines can be read. The first lines on the following Monday and Tuesday indicate that a significant event took place on the Saturday night. I can only think of one significant event that would take place between ex's, late at night, in a hotel 100 miles from home. Its called sex -I really hope i'm wrong.

I have (rather too late i fear) applied a little technology and now can read the texts at my convenience, i also now know that they regularly phone each other - averaging about an hour a week. I don't feel bad about this invasion of privacy, I'm the account holder - she is using my phone to contact her lover.

My big problem is that there is a huge gulf between me knowing they are having a physical and emotional affair, and me being able to prove it. If she is lying to me, she is doing it fantastically well (and to friends and family) and all my 'evidence' is quite deniable and twistable. I know that the lie must be confronted with something undeniable ("You are seeing OM", not "Are you seeing OM") so i can do nothing except get all screwed up inside. For the same reason my usual support networks are closed to me - i have to be secretive and lie-ing to prove that she is being secretive and a liar in a far worse way. Or they will just go more underground.

I really think they are having an affair, but i love her so much that i want to be wrong.
 

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You know at minimum there was an EA. Did you document what you did find?

I would suggest getting keyloggers installed. What kind of phone? Many have a capability to retrieve data later even if deleted.

Posted via Mobile Device
 

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I'm sure you are losing a LOT of sleep and developing ulcers over this. I'm afraid it's not an innocent thing.

Perhaps you can "arrange" to be at your mums with the kids for a weekend? Have your mum meet you half-way to pick up the kids and return to watch the house?

I assume her phone is gps equipped? You can follow at a distance.
 

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A very common tale. Catching up with an Ex boyfriend becomes a physical affair.

You want to be wrong but know you are correct.

Not sure how it works in the UK, but if you are the account holder on the phone, can you request a printout of texts, calls, messages?

If you have access to the phone then Google some settings about that specific phone model for backing up or updating files on a computer. Some phone types really do not "delete" deleted messages and you might be able to recover enough to give you the proof you need.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
thanks so far - i will try the google thing (to retrieve texts), but not tonight.

The kids thing won't work - its a three hour drive and my mum doesn't (drive). Also they only seem to meet-up away fom home (if you look at 'how to cheat' sites this is a recomended practise), thanks anyway.
 

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If you KNOW she is cheating on you, like all of us out here in cyberspace do, then why do you need more evidence? Isn't it enough that you know? You need hard evidence to prove it to the world?

You tell your wife you KNOW. You don't tell her how. You tell her that she must go no contact with the other guy, handwrite the no contact letter, give you complete transparency, and admit it in order for you to consider reconciliation. You tell her that you refuse to stay married to her if she is going to have affairs and lie about them when caught. Then you file.

The deleting texts is enough all by itself. If nothing else, even without confronting her about the other man, you should tell her that stops now. Tell her that you take her deleting texts as a sign of hiding stuff from you and you refuse to stay married to someone who is hiding part of their life, such as the part that is engaged in an affair with her old flame.

If she doesn't care enough about the marriage and would rather let you file and divorce her, then you are not losing much.

In your case, I'm guessing her and other man have a friends with benefits situation.

Why did you not do anything or say anything when you had ample evidence that they were going to meet for sex?
 

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This is what having less than adequate boundaries does for you. I am referring to both her AND you.

You should know now that you should never have been ok with her getting back with this guy. You certainly should not have been ok with her meeting him for lunch. Then it seems you never confronted her about why she them came home at 2am. Really? What a nice guy you are. Why would you not talk to her about this?

Now you have all the evidence you need that they have an inappropiate relationship from what you have gathered. But it also seems it is way way past inappropriate.

Essentially you have enough to tell her she must go NC with this guy. But the very unfortunate thing is that you have allowed this to grow into what ever it is. The time to make the stand has long long passed.

But that said you need to intervene to save your marriage assuming it is saveable which it may not be.

I would find a way to stop this convention. Be creative. But if I did not stop it I would be there. I would know where she was at all times. Of course by then it would not be about c0ckbl0cking but just calling them on this and filing. So indeed plan a surprise for her. Show up as a surprise for your lovely wife. That way IF for some crazy reason she is not hooking up you are a hero. At the very least she will know you are unpredictable which is awesome for so many reasons. Make it happen. If your marriage is the #1 priority then you can make this happen. Get help from a PI as well.

It is best to deal with this early on by having good boundaries. Very hard to put the genie back in the bottle.

But you have all of the proof you need now. She should not have this relationship at all. It is too bad you have gone along willingly the way you have.
 

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....
I have known my wife since the late 70's, we have been an item since '88 and now married 14 years with two young children. I love her very much.

We are in the UK which means in a divorce, the children almost always stay with the mother unless drugs/violence is a danger (which it completely isn't). I will lose my children.
The UK has joint custody. So why would you lose your children?
 

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If you just need evidence, there are plenty of PI's in Britain who can do the gumshoe work. If you want to catch them yourself, get a sitter for the kids and go bust them. You know where and when. Does your wife have a car? Put a VAR under her seat bottom with velcro.

Do you want to try to break them up and get your wife to come to her senses or do you just want to send her packing?
 

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You will need to catch her red handed next time she plans this stuff. A PI or a friend willing to do that should be good enough. (She will obviously be calling you/kids at home)

How old are your kids ?
 

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For me you already have enough. A little subterfuge is in order. Something like, you have knowledge that he claims to be banging old girlfriends he has been hooking up with from facebook. She will ask you how you know that. Tell her you will take that info to your grave. But..... you want her to take a polygraph.

You are only letting this thing get out of hand now. They are in regular contact. He just wanted to get laid, the longer it goes on he may start thinking he would rather have your wife than his. Like entropy said, you should never have let them meet up in the first place.

If she refuses the polygraph, you have all you need. If she accepts go through with it, she may try to bluff her way through it.

At this point, she and the OM appear stronger than you and thats why you are in this position in the first place. She is replacing you with someone she sees as more fit. Delay at your peril.

Call his wife.
 

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The snooping tools (keylogger, spyware, VARs, GPS...) must be in place before the confrontation. They are important not only to gather more evidence but to monitor the aftermath in case he offers R and she agrees to the rules to actually get her real intentions immediately.
IE. a NC letter means nothing if right after that she calls again to tell him she was "forced", whether it for a more lovely good bye or to coold down just for a while...
The odds are she won't give up for good at the first attempt. Happens every time.
 

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Unfortunately this sounds like an affair to me. and if it not, then as others have already said you two have some serious boundary issues. I don't want to pile on here, because you are here asking for help in a very tough situation, but this was a huge mistake to allow this meeting to ever take place. I hope things work out for you, and if you find (hopefully) that its not a PA, you stop this NOW, NC letter, etc., and you two start working on proper boundaries.
 
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