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161 Posts
This is a post for all the BS out there. What are the things you really hated hearing/seeing/feeling in the weeks and months after D-Day? I'll kick it off:
1. Waking up every morning next to a stranger that used to be my wife
2. Sitting through marriage vows, now knowing it's crap
3. Realizing that no matter what decision I make, I am now sentenced to live a life I never asked for or wanted as a result of someone else's crime.
Sorry for the negative post, it's been a really hard couple of weeks for me. Some huge triggers and just celebrated the one-year anniversary of our D-day last weekend. And then we had a really sh1tty MC session last night. I found myself dredging up all sorts of old, unrelated, grudges, throwing barbs at my wife left and right and just spitting anger in general.
And the weird part is - things are so much better now than they were a year ago, and I think that is actually part of my problem.
I feel myself becoming more vulnerable, and as a result I find myself pushing my wife away. Like a turtle pulling into his shell for protection, my instinct for self preservation is now becoming a problem.
The worst part is, my wife has been working really hard. When I confronted her about the affair, she caved. She came clean, went NC, told her parents and mine, we started MC, total transparency and the whole nine. She has been working really hard to help rebuild things over the last year.
But it scares the hell out of me. Part of me wonders if I've been secretly hoping that the R would fail in the first year. That she would slip up, or give up. I wanted to make the effort to rebuild, but now wondering if it was so I could walk away knowing I had done everything possible to save our marriage and our family (two beautiful kids, 5 and 2).
Anyone have advice on how you get past this desire to push people away? I want to keep moving this forward, but it appears to be more of a personal battle than I even expected.
Anyone successfully slayed this demon, and how did you go about it?
1. Waking up every morning next to a stranger that used to be my wife
2. Sitting through marriage vows, now knowing it's crap
3. Realizing that no matter what decision I make, I am now sentenced to live a life I never asked for or wanted as a result of someone else's crime.
Sorry for the negative post, it's been a really hard couple of weeks for me. Some huge triggers and just celebrated the one-year anniversary of our D-day last weekend. And then we had a really sh1tty MC session last night. I found myself dredging up all sorts of old, unrelated, grudges, throwing barbs at my wife left and right and just spitting anger in general.
And the weird part is - things are so much better now than they were a year ago, and I think that is actually part of my problem.
I feel myself becoming more vulnerable, and as a result I find myself pushing my wife away. Like a turtle pulling into his shell for protection, my instinct for self preservation is now becoming a problem.
The worst part is, my wife has been working really hard. When I confronted her about the affair, she caved. She came clean, went NC, told her parents and mine, we started MC, total transparency and the whole nine. She has been working really hard to help rebuild things over the last year.
But it scares the hell out of me. Part of me wonders if I've been secretly hoping that the R would fail in the first year. That she would slip up, or give up. I wanted to make the effort to rebuild, but now wondering if it was so I could walk away knowing I had done everything possible to save our marriage and our family (two beautiful kids, 5 and 2).
Anyone have advice on how you get past this desire to push people away? I want to keep moving this forward, but it appears to be more of a personal battle than I even expected.
Anyone successfully slayed this demon, and how did you go about it?