I REALLY Hate it When . . . .

2546 Views 9 Replies 10 Participants Last post by river rat, Oct 20, 2012

NEVER HAPPEN 2 ME RIGHT?

Discussion Starter · Oct 19, 2012

This is a post for all the BS out there. What are the things you really hated hearing/seeing/feeling in the weeks and months after D-Day? I'll kick it off:

1. Waking up every morning next to a stranger that used to be my wife
2. Sitting through marriage vows, now knowing it's crap
3. Realizing that no matter what decision I make, I am now sentenced to live a life I never asked for or wanted as a result of someone else's crime.

Sorry for the negative post, it's been a really hard couple of weeks for me. Some huge triggers and just celebrated the one-year anniversary of our D-day last weekend. And then we had a really sh1tty MC session last night. I found myself dredging up all sorts of old, unrelated, grudges, throwing barbs at my wife left and right and just spitting anger in general.

And the weird part is - things are so much better now than they were a year ago, and I think that is actually part of my problem.

I feel myself becoming more vulnerable, and as a result I find myself pushing my wife away. Like a turtle pulling into his shell for protection, my instinct for self preservation is now becoming a problem.

The worst part is, my wife has been working really hard. When I confronted her about the affair, she caved. She came clean, went NC, told her parents and mine, we started MC, total transparency and the whole nine. She has been working really hard to help rebuild things over the last year.

But it scares the hell out of me. Part of me wonders if I've been secretly hoping that the R would fail in the first year. That she would slip up, or give up. I wanted to make the effort to rebuild, but now wondering if it was so I could walk away knowing I had done everything possible to save our marriage and our family (two beautiful kids, 5 and 2).

Anyone have advice on how you get past this desire to push people away? I want to keep moving this forward, but it appears to be more of a personal battle than I even expected.

Anyone successfully slayed this demon, and how did you go about it?

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SomedayDig

· #2 · Oct 19, 2012

#2 has really struck a chord with me.

Something that no one here knows is that I am an ordained minister. I had a pretty good wedding ministry going where I could make $400 a weekend for performing a couple 30 minute ceremonies.

I haven't performed a single one since Dday. I know that doesn't answer your last question in your post because I haven't slayed the demon yet. I wish I could. I lost a lot of faith.

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dantheman

· #3 · Oct 19, 2012

I hated the sickening gut feeling I had everyday knowing she was not telling the truth. Having to pretend everything was fine, while I continued to dig (hoping I wouldn't find anything).

From what I have read on here, when a WS doesn't tell the WHOLE truth, and the BS keeps finding out more information about the A, the D-Day resets and the wounds re-open. This happened to be about 5 times over the course of 6 months.

I have reached the point where this is no R. Same as the OP, I gave my wife many chances, hoping she would cave in. Not happening for me. I am moving forward, without her.

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sigma1299

· #4 · Oct 19, 2012

That need for self protection is totally normal, this is the hard part of reconciliation. At some point you have to let go and t r u s t again. Reconciliation is a two way street, both of you have to give. She has to give you complete transparency, true remorse and a willingness to own what she did and accept accountability - which it sounds like she has done and is doing. What you have to give at some point is trust. As the cheater she has to earn it back before you give it or it's rug sweeping or false R, but if she's earned the chance then it's your turn. The really hard part is that no one, possibly even her, know if she'll burn you again or not. At some point you just have to trust your intuition and her actions of a long period and act accordingly. Peaks and valleys will be there, but they'll get less severe.

Personally, I'll tell you the second year is much easier than the first. Everyone here will tell you that D day anniversaries are a trigger and much harder than the other 51 weeks in the year.

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MattMatt

· #5 · Oct 19, 2012

It's tough, it's a long path but you can make it. My wife and I did.

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Acabado

· #6 · Oct 20, 2012

I feel myself becoming more vulnerable, and as a result I find myself pushing my wife away. Like a turtle pulling into his shell for protection, my instinct for self preservation is now becoming a problem.

Exactly my case. The inmediate aftermath was horrible for me. There was no hope. I become numb in order to start the divorce. Then another 3-4 months since I decided to stop it. One day I was ready to enter in R and the rollercoaster began. The more vulnerable the more angry I became. I was there for another 6 months or so. Then I decided I couldn't do it anymore. Don't know what happened. I decided I had to stop. I found out outlets for that anger, I commited to fight fair. I trained myself. I knew I had to give back something.
It's a decision you have to make, when you are ready for it, and then you commit to it no matter what. You don't let yourself off the hook when you screw up, you rectify, you choose dayly, hourly if necessary.
You highlight the good, you thank her when you have yo instead of holding it. At first it's a task. Then you have to really forgive.

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EI

· #7 · Oct 20, 2012

Acabado said:
It's a decision you have to make, when you are ready for it, and then you commit to it no matter what. You don't let yourself off the hook when you screw up, you rectify, you choose dayly, hourly if necessary.

This is a universal truth that could be applied to, both, BS's and WS's..... and, quite honestly, anyone..... I'm going to commit this quote to memory.

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AngryandUsed

· #8 · Oct 20, 2012

I am with Acabado. In my case, initial months were worse than miserable. I have two wonderful kids. I dont want them to suffer for no fault of theirs.

TAM helped me - directly in my case or indirectly in knowing other cases.

Since you are already one year past it, there is a good reason to stay and rebuild.

She has been remorseful, went NC, tranparent, exposed and all the requirements are fulfilled for a successful Rebuild.

I think your issue is helplessness and inability to forgive. If you work on these two, eventually you will make it.

Good lucks.

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hookares

· #9 · Oct 20, 2012

Never' the toughest part will be finding a way to trust your spouse again. My "marriage" was over just as soon as she handed me the papers along with news of a restraining order she had gotten.
Here is is almost three years to the day and I still look for alternative motivation anytime I'm promised anything by a lady I'm seeing. (they don't have a tendency to stay around for long after figuring it out, either)

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river rat

· #10 · Oct 20, 2012

I came into the marriage w/ trust issues, so when my worst nightmare occurred, I was in no way able to deal w/ it. Fortunately, I found a good therapist, who helped me see that the real demons were my own. Took about a year in IC, but I became much stronger emotionally, able to trust myself, and therefore, to trust someone else.

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