After my husband's EA last year, one of the things we worked on in counselling was boundaries. His EA was a series of small steps over the line, a little at a time. He had very poor boundaries.
We discussed this a lot with our counsellor, who was very good. We discussed our boundaries. I was very specific and clear and my husband said he agreed with the boundaries I outlined for himself also.
A lot of the work on trust was hinged on him telling me he understood more about what happened and HOW it happened because of counselling and the talk on boundaries, and that now he knew and understood, he was using his personal boundaries and being more aware not just of what he was and wasn't doing but the perception of how he acted and how that can be interpreted by others.
He's really pushed this home to me. FWIW I do trust him and genuinely believed he was on board with being in check with his behaviour because he was so earnest about it.
Sooooo...
We were talking earlier. He's recently started a new job which he really enjoys. It's quite a close knit, small company he works for and we were talking about it.
He got a bit weird and uncomfortable, then told me he'd given the woman he works with a lift home the other day. Said he was being helpful as she had some heavy stuff she was going to store at work until she could get it home.
Hubz is one of those guys who likes to help people out so he offered her a lift home. He said he didn't think anything of it at the time, but today had been thinking about it and realised that if I inadvertently found out about it, it could look REALLY dodgy, so was telling me.
Now, I do appreciate he shared this. He is good at being open about potential problem areas.
However. We talked about it and it is clear that he doesn't "get it" about boundaries like I thought he did.
As many WSs do in the thick of things, during his EA, he was all about them "being friends." That he was just being friendly. He had NO perception at the time that his behaviour was way inappropriate, and also had never considered employing boundaries.
He is running with this same train of thought again. He is not thinking how his actions may look BEFORE he carries them out, but after. He genuinely paid no mind to the fact one of the boundaries we have specifically discussed is not being alone with the opposite sex.
He said that counselling was a year ago now, and time has passed and things have faded and changed. He just didn't think about it. As far as he was concerned, he was being helpful. He was upset that I didn't consider the reasons behind his actions and he says he is permanently anxious having to police his actions and interactions with other females to make sure he doesn't do or say anything he shouldn't.
I am really surprised and disappointed at him. He says all the right things but this has shown me that in fact, policing his actions is NOT at the forefront of his mind. He is not in fact thinking about it all the time or remembering something as important as a very pertinent boundary like he says he has been. And he is clearly resentful - it oozes out when he speaks about having to police himself.
I asked him how he would like things to be different. He said he would like it if it had never happened. He speaks a lot about feeling bad but his talk is centred around HIM and how bad he feels about himself. He does not really relate any guilt to how I feel or have felt and when he tells me instances like above.
I feel really distant at the moment. I am worried the rest of our marriage will consist of these blips, of a smaller or larger degree, with him saying how he "didn't think" beforehand or he "didn't mean anything by it." I don't know what to do about the fact he's violated a boundary of mine, which btw he made it clear he thought was over the top anyway.
Any advice on what I do now?
We discussed this a lot with our counsellor, who was very good. We discussed our boundaries. I was very specific and clear and my husband said he agreed with the boundaries I outlined for himself also.
A lot of the work on trust was hinged on him telling me he understood more about what happened and HOW it happened because of counselling and the talk on boundaries, and that now he knew and understood, he was using his personal boundaries and being more aware not just of what he was and wasn't doing but the perception of how he acted and how that can be interpreted by others.
He's really pushed this home to me. FWIW I do trust him and genuinely believed he was on board with being in check with his behaviour because he was so earnest about it.
Sooooo...
We were talking earlier. He's recently started a new job which he really enjoys. It's quite a close knit, small company he works for and we were talking about it.
He got a bit weird and uncomfortable, then told me he'd given the woman he works with a lift home the other day. Said he was being helpful as she had some heavy stuff she was going to store at work until she could get it home.
Hubz is one of those guys who likes to help people out so he offered her a lift home. He said he didn't think anything of it at the time, but today had been thinking about it and realised that if I inadvertently found out about it, it could look REALLY dodgy, so was telling me.
Now, I do appreciate he shared this. He is good at being open about potential problem areas.
However. We talked about it and it is clear that he doesn't "get it" about boundaries like I thought he did.
As many WSs do in the thick of things, during his EA, he was all about them "being friends." That he was just being friendly. He had NO perception at the time that his behaviour was way inappropriate, and also had never considered employing boundaries.
He is running with this same train of thought again. He is not thinking how his actions may look BEFORE he carries them out, but after. He genuinely paid no mind to the fact one of the boundaries we have specifically discussed is not being alone with the opposite sex.
He said that counselling was a year ago now, and time has passed and things have faded and changed. He just didn't think about it. As far as he was concerned, he was being helpful. He was upset that I didn't consider the reasons behind his actions and he says he is permanently anxious having to police his actions and interactions with other females to make sure he doesn't do or say anything he shouldn't.
I am really surprised and disappointed at him. He says all the right things but this has shown me that in fact, policing his actions is NOT at the forefront of his mind. He is not in fact thinking about it all the time or remembering something as important as a very pertinent boundary like he says he has been. And he is clearly resentful - it oozes out when he speaks about having to police himself.
I asked him how he would like things to be different. He said he would like it if it had never happened. He speaks a lot about feeling bad but his talk is centred around HIM and how bad he feels about himself. He does not really relate any guilt to how I feel or have felt and when he tells me instances like above.
I feel really distant at the moment. I am worried the rest of our marriage will consist of these blips, of a smaller or larger degree, with him saying how he "didn't think" beforehand or he "didn't mean anything by it." I don't know what to do about the fact he's violated a boundary of mine, which btw he made it clear he thought was over the top anyway.
Any advice on what I do now?