[Meqa312]

I am 28, married 10 months to a 33 year old man. Our sex life is terrible. In the 10 months we have been married, we have had sex 17 times. I am depressed and feel so alone, and I have no one to talk to about this problem.

I should have gotten a clue prior to the wedding that this was going to be a problem, but I thought it was just wedding stress that made him never want to have sex. He has no libido that I can see. I feel like I do all the work. I initiate, I have to work to make him hard, and I have to work to keep him hard during the act. I feel so unwanted and unattractive because of this. He obviously looks at porn online of these young 95 pound college girls and even though I am losing weight very rapidly, I still have about 50 pounds to lose. I made the decision months ago to lose weight for myself, since he wasn't attracted to me. And I told him that. He denies all claims that he doesn't find me attractive, stating that he loves me very much and finds me beautiful.

I am so depressed over this I am thinking about killing myself. I am so angry with him aver his lack of sex drive making me feel like dirt. I have no interest in porn, and his looking at these girls online really destroys me. I hate myself for not being what he wants. And I need for my partner to be attracted to me and actually have sex with me on a regular basis for me to stay sexually attracted to him. And I am so angry with him for not having sex with me. And I feel little attraction to him sexually now. It has been over 6 weeks since the last time we had sex. I thought it was me. I changed my birth control method several times in the past year thinking that I could get my libido back if I just changed my estrogen levels. Nothing. I hate this.

We saw a doctor who tested his testosterone and it was "within normal limits". No explanation of if it was still low within that bell curve or what the normal levels were in general. We are now seeing a sex counselor and he recommended that until our next appointment that my husband makes all the moves and that we attempt to sexually stimulate/arouse the other person without actually having sex in the end. What has happened since that appointment? Nothing. I started rubbing him the other night, and he complained that it was too hot and then went and got a bowl of water and a wash cloth. His idea of being intimate that night was a quick wipe-down of each other with a cool cloth. That isn't sexually arousing for me, and it obviously wasn't for him. All other nights, I get into bed and he rolls over and turns out the lights and goes to sleep.

I don't understand. I am smart and get excellent grades in school and I work hard for what I have, and he claims he loves me and doesn't show it. I don't know what to do next. I just want it all to end, one way or another. Someone please help me.

 

[NothingMan]

Sigh. Well..if you had asked me 10 years ago if sexual compatability in a marriage was important, I'd have said no. If you ask me today, most certainly it is important. It sounds like your going to have to work hard ( no pun) to get your husband up to speed, just like I am working to get my wife there.

It isnt enough to make me cheat or consider divorce, but it's enough to make me feel bad about myself and sometimes resentful. So I guess Im working on me too.

It's a difficult, common, situation with no easy fix. But if you love him then continue working on it as you are and good luck.




John

 

[hitched4ever]

As nothingman says, its a common problem with no easy answer or instant 'fix'.

I am not sure why or how, but it seems that many people end up in an "appetite opposed" relationship. Some times the signs are there from the beginning, sometimes not, people change, or revert to being themselves perhaps after a spike of sexual activity. Sometimes there are other marriage or personal issues that affect this.

In my view if one has to beg/coax their partner to be sexual from the very beginning that is not a good sign. Some folks although apparently normal in all respects, just dont care much about sex. If they made a list of 100 things to do, knowing that most of them would go undone, sex would be number 87 after "shake out dust from doormat". Eventually they'll get around to it but its just not a priority.

In your case it seems youre doing the right things, checking for medical issues, counseling etc. My only real advice at this point would be to make sure you dont 'overwhelm' your man with your needs or demands. A man's sexual response is a delicate matter and any feelings of inadequacy will be counter productive. Not saying you are, just saying loving seduction works far better then overt demands.

I will also tell you that you are not alone. Many men and women are in your same basic predicament. I dont know that this helps much but I do know that when ones mate doesnt take care of them sexually it makes the other feel very much alone.

I am wondering about what you said about his looking at porn.
Has there been any discussion about whether he has an active masturbation life? Do you sense that he has an addiction to activity related to porn? Or is this more of a matter that anything porn related at this point, given his lack of attention to your needs, is offensive to you, even if but a few girlie pics?

 

[okeydokie]

"appetite opposed", thats excellent.

i feel your pain, you are not alone with this issue.

 

[Meqa312]

No, he does not have an active masturbation habit any longer. It might be partly my fault. I got so angry with him about his going to the computer to get a little "fast food sex"(as he called it, the fix without the work) that he has stopped as far as I can tell. Also, we are down to one computer in the house since his broke and I won't allow 7 gigs of pictures on my computer. And you are right. I am so angry with him for looking at porn when he won't even look at me. If it would help him get a libido back I would let him look at porn. But I do not want a virus on my computer and it is embarrassing when a friend is over and using my computer and everytime they type something into the address bar, some very interesting websites are suggested.

 

[Blanca]

I am so angry with him for looking at porn when he won't even look at me.

i know how you feel. my H hasnt looked at porn in a year and i thought his libido would turn towards me. not happening. we fight about it all the time. in fact, i think its the only thing we do fight about, but its really driving a wedge between us.

you mentioned feeling suicidal. ive been there. this is a really hard thing to deal with. just remember, you can leave. and as a counselor of mine said to me once, "That's a lot of power to give one person."

 

[bijounk]

"I hate myself for not being what he wants. And I need for my partner to be attracted to me and actually have sex with me on a regular basis for me to stay sexually attracted to him."

I know exactly how you feel, but trust me, it isn't you, as many times as I'm sure you've heard it. You sound like a good wife, a better wife than I am, and you shouldn't have to lose weight for HIM. If you want to lose weight, do it for yourself and your own health, not because you think he'll be more attracted to you, because chances are, he won't be (I'm not saying you're not attractive, gosh computers make it hard to say the right things!) I obviously don't know details, but it sounds like he's just lazy. He could be with a playboy model and it wouldn't do him any good unless she were on a page. It doesn't sound like he's about to have an affair or would, which again leaves me to believe that it isn't you. He obviously has a normal libido if he can get off some how, but like you said he said, he just wants something quick and easy, then he's done. That's what the internet is good for. You already did one thing I would have recommended, which is get rid of the computer. It sounds silly, but have you tried camping? Go out to the woods with a tent, a little food (though be mindful of black bears depending on where you live ) and camp out for a few days. No phones. No computers. Just the two of you. Have some fun, get outside. You might be surprised by how well that would work. If nothing else comes of it, at least it might be a fun adventure.

Good luck to you and keep your chin up. You sound like a great person and some day he'll either wake up to that or you'll find someone who will

 

[sarah.rslp]

People make far too big a deal about sex. You have certain expectations in your head that aren't really that realistic.

I think you and your husband expected to have some earth moving sexual experience straight away, and when it didn't happen you got put off and got yourselves into a rut.

Sex really isn't that hard its only when you start attaching a load of baggage to it that it starts to get bad.

I think your self consciousness about your weight is part of that. I'm not saying that you are in fact over weight but if you feel you are then wear something to bed tailored to your body shape.

Dress for bed make your husband see that your making an effort and that he shoud do the same.

A few things I've learned with previous guys

- If a guy is nervous feels under pressure is reluctant to have sex for whatever reason, then doggy style is the easiest thing for him. It takes the pressure off him and he can concentrate on what he's doing. If he loase his hard on he can get himself hard easier.

- if he loses his hard on don't try to wank him with your hand. Try to encourage him to use his own hand, together with a combination of oral sex.

- try to encourage him to go down on you even if it doesn't do anything for you (FAKE IT if you have to) oral sex is something he does for you and if you look like you appreciate it he'll feel better about himself

- when he tries hard give indication that you appreciate it. If he picks up the tempo when he's shagging you make some sort of sound. (it doesn't have to be a faked orgasm just a gentle moan or laboured breathing something simple)

Anywho I hope it works out for you.

 

[endofmyrope]

Hi Mega,

I have a very similar situation and I don't think you have "certain expectations in your head that aren't really that realistic" as sarah wrote.

I have not found any advice to help me understand or things that I can do better. Anyways, this is my "short" story...

My husband and I have been married for just over a year now and when we were dating we were crazy about each other all the time. We abstained from sex while we were dating but it was very hard to do that. We are both a little younger; I am 24 and he is 23 and we are both finishing our degrees. On our honeymoon my husband was not interested in sex at all and it made the whole honeymoon just miserable. I was really upset and cried a lot and he was upset because he knew that it was hurting me so much. A few weeks later his mood started rapidly changing and I could feel that something wasn't right, but he would always say everything was fine. He would swear up and down and say nothing was going on. Eight months later, I found out that he had been masturbating and watching pornography. That was hard to deal with. It now made sense to me why he wasn't ever interested in having sex with me, because he was being fulfilled. Probably what hurt me the most was the fact that he had been lying to me for so long, and that he didn’t trust me to tell me.

Since then, life has been the same. No sex, rarely any type of affection. I have tried everything. I have initiated sex, I’ve bought nice lingerie, I’ve asked him if there is something I can improve and he always says no. He says he doesn’t know what the problem is. We have recently started seeing a counselor but nothing has changed.

When I asked him why he started masturbating and watching pornography, he said that “sex wasn’t what he thought it would be” and “pornography was more interesting”.

I just feel so low in my life. It’s like in order for him to have sex with me, I have to be like the girls/actresses in the porn videos and I’m not. I’m very depressed and I feel worthless. I know that he loves me but if I wanted a platonic relationship, I would have never married him. I tell him that I want that intimacy and I wish he would desire me sexually, but he doesn’t even seem to try. I know that he loves me, and I love him too, but isn’t having sex something that would come with that?

 

[mrnice]

As nothingman says, its a common problem with no easy answer or instant 'fix'.


I am wondering about what you said about his looking at porn.
Has there been any discussion about whether he has an active masturbation life? Do you sense that he has an addiction to activity related to porn? Or is this more of a matter that anything porn related at this point, given his lack of attention to your needs, is offensive to you, even if but a few girlie pics?

I think I'll run with the Porn thing. I personally think he is getting enough stimulation from the Porn and sounds like he could be good friends with Mrs Palmer. Hence he is not interested in sex with you. He could even be addicted to porn which is not uncommon.
I know you can't stand him looking at porn but why don't you ask him if he'd like to have sex and film it just to see what sort of reaction you get. If he says "Yeh let's do that" then you've pushed the right button. But if he says yes, then I suggest you follow through with it.

I doubt he'd be discussing his masturbating life if anything I think he'll deny it since his wife isn't getting any.

Get the webwatcher program and secretly watch every move of his on the net and see what he actually gets up to. He could be spending more time then you think watching porn.

Just my two cents worth.
Hope he picks up his act for you though.

 

[dexter]

I am on the opposite side of this story. My wife seems to constantly want it and I can't keep up with her. We have sex a few times a week and I enjoy it immensely. We've been together 12 years and married 10 years. She has just had a sexual awakening or a change in hormones and I can't keep up with her. It sometimes seems like, if I miss a night, she can't sleep and gets upset and feels insecure and we fight. I want so bad for this problem in our relationship to pass but I don't want her to give up altogether. I wish we were on the same wavelength.

 

[CarolineMRF]

I am on the opposite side of this story. My wife seems to constantly want it and I can't keep up with her. We have sex a few times a week and I enjoy it immensely. We've been together 12 years and married 10 years. She has just had a sexual awakening or a change in hormones and I can't keep up with her. It sometimes seems like, if I miss a night, she can't sleep and gets upset and feels insecure and we fight. I want so bad for this problem in our relationship to pass but I don't want her to give up altogether. I wish we were on the same wavelength.

This may be going off topic but I will answer it....First, how old is your wife?...

 

[Mattie J]

M312,

I have to run and do something in a minute, but I had to write when I saw that you felt like killing yourself. I lost a brother 23 months younger than me to suicide over a very short marriage that went bad on him! Please don't even consider a reaction like that! You have no idea how that would hurt other people who love you! This obviously touches a very sensitive chord with me. I don't believe any sex or orgasm is worth your very life! Don't be afraid to talk to your counselor about these feelings either, I wish my brother had talked to some one. He had just turned 26 years old and was married just over two years when this happened, so some of the circumstances parallel yours.

Please take care of yourself!

 

[MEM2020]

This is not about you at all. You need to sit down and picture the future - there is a man with you and he is looking at you with love and desire. And he is radiating happiness. Because he is with you.

My wife and I are good friends with a couple that have 3 children. The wife is a delightful, attractive, intelligent woman. Truly she is a prize. The husband is a handsome fellow, a highly skilled conversationalist and a hell of a lawyer. He easily makes 400K a year. But - umm - he does not like to have sex. At all.

Their youngest child is 12 and yes it is true the last time they had sex was 12 years ago. In their 21 year marriage I think she estimates that they have had sex maybe 40 times. Mostly in trying to get pregnant three times.

This has nothing to do with her. She is great. In fact of all the women I know, if I wasn't married to my lovely wife, this is the woman I would want to be married to.

This problem is not fixable by you. Because there is nothing wrong with you. YOU cannot change him and he cannot change this part of him.

I am 28, married 10 months to a 33 year old man. Our sex life is terrible. In the 10 months we have been married, we have had sex 17 times. I am depressed and feel so alone, and I have no one to talk to about this problem.

I should have gotten a clue prior to the wedding that this was going to be a problem, but I thought it was just wedding stress that made him never want to have sex. He has no libido that I can see. I feel like I do all the work. I initiate, I have to work to make him hard, and I have to work to keep him hard during the act. I feel so unwanted and unattractive because of this. He obviously looks at porn online of these young 95 pound college girls and even though I am losing weight very rapidly, I still have about 50 pounds to lose. I made the decision months ago to lose weight for myself, since he wasn't attracted to me. And I told him that. He denies all claims that he doesn't find me attractive, stating that he loves me very much and finds me beautiful.

I am so depressed over this I am thinking about killing myself. I am so angry with him aver his lack of sex drive making me feel like dirt. I have no interest in porn, and his looking at these girls online really destroys me. I hate myself for not being what he wants. And I need for my partner to be attracted to me and actually have sex with me on a regular basis for me to stay sexually attracted to him. And I am so angry with him for not having sex with me. And I feel little attraction to him sexually now. It has been over 6 weeks since the last time we had sex. I thought it was me. I changed my birth control method several times in the past year thinking that I could get my libido back if I just changed my estrogen levels. Nothing. I hate this.

We saw a doctor who tested his testosterone and it was "within normal limits". No explanation of if it was still low within that bell curve or what the normal levels were in general. We are now seeing a sex counselor and he recommended that until our next appointment that my husband makes all the moves and that we attempt to sexually stimulate/arouse the other person without actually having sex in the end. What has happened since that appointment? Nothing. I started rubbing him the other night, and he complained that it was too hot and then went and got a bowl of water and a wash cloth. His idea of being intimate that night was a quick wipe-down of each other with a cool cloth. That isn't sexually arousing for me, and it obviously wasn't for him. All other nights, I get into bed and he rolls over and turns out the lights and goes to sleep.

I don't understand. I am smart and get excellent grades in school and I work hard for what I have, and he claims he loves me and doesn't show it. I don't know what to do next. I just want it all to end, one way or another. Someone please help me.

 

[CarolineMRF]

I am 28, married 10 months to a 33 year old man. Our sex life is terrible. In the 10 months we have been married, we have had sex 17 times. I am depressed and feel so alone, and I have no one to talk to about this problem.

I should have gotten a clue prior to the wedding that this was going to be a problem, but I thought it was just wedding stress that made him never want to have sex. He has no libido that I can see. I feel like I do all the work. I initiate, I have to work to make him hard, and I have to work to keep him hard during the act. I feel so unwanted and unattractive because of this. He obviously looks at porn online of these young 95 pound college girls and even though I am losing weight very rapidly, I still have about 50 pounds to lose. I made the decision months ago to lose weight for myself, since he wasn't attracted to me. And I told him that. He denies all claims that he doesn't find me attractive, stating that he loves me very much and finds me beautiful.

I am so depressed over this I am thinking about killing myself. I am so angry with him aver his lack of sex drive making me feel like dirt. I have no interest in porn, and his looking at these girls online really destroys me. I hate myself for not being what he wants. And I need for my partner to be attracted to me and actually have sex with me on a regular basis for me to stay sexually attracted to him. And I am so angry with him for not having sex with me. And I feel little attraction to him sexually now. It has been over 6 weeks since the last time we had sex. I thought it was me. I changed my birth control method several times in the past year thinking that I could get my libido back if I just changed my estrogen levels. Nothing. I hate this.

We saw a doctor who tested his testosterone and it was "within normal limits". No explanation of if it was still low within that bell curve or what the normal levels were in general. We are now seeing a sex counselor and he recommended that until our next appointment that my husband makes all the moves and that we attempt to sexually stimulate/arouse the other person without actually having sex in the end. What has happened since that appointment? Nothing. I started rubbing him the other night, and he complained that it was too hot and then went and got a bowl of water and a wash cloth. His idea of being intimate that night was a quick wipe-down of each other with a cool cloth. That isn't sexually arousing for me, and it obviously wasn't for him. All other nights, I get into bed and he rolls over and turns out the lights and goes to sleep.

I don't understand. I am smart and get excellent grades in school and I work hard for what I have, and he claims he loves me and doesn't show it. I don't know what to do next. I just want it all to end, one way or another. Someone please help me.

A man can sexually kill himself from too much masturbation....He can become his own greatest lover....The Porn is his woman in heat...It can get so that the only way that he can get off is by looking at her sexual parts....Yours are not the same...They need stimulating....Hers don't...This alone is the killer of a man's libido...You have three choices...Life the way you know it....Get some good vibrators and do yourself whenever in heat.....Or find another life.....Good luck...

Caroline

 

[dexter]

This may be going off topic but I will answer it....First, how old is your wife?...

30

 

[Raiven]

A man can sexually kill himself from too much masturbation....He can become his own greatest lover....The Porn is his woman in heat...It can get so that the only way that he can get off is by looking at her sexual parts....Yours are not the same...They need stimulating....Hers don't...This alone is the killer of a man's libido...You have three choices...Life the way you know it....Get some good vibrators and do yourself whenever in heat.....Or find another life.....Good luck...

Caroline

Bull pucky.

a vibrator is not a replacement for the need to feel desired, wanted, sexually attractive, etc. to your partner.

it's a relationship need. i have the same problem.

i even check out the porn he's watching. he likes "normal" situations, nrmal looking girls, no porn stars. natural girls that look like me doing normal things. this is what he gets off to and i hate it so much. i stated in another thread about his problem. he has 'performance issues' from what i can tell. probably some other problems too, but i won't get into it here.

you should NOT have to buy a toy as a replacement for your need. it's not the same. have you told him exactly what you posted? how you feel? how strongly you feel it? what have you tried? what kind of porn does he watch (unrealistic, or voyeur, etc)?

i don't doubt his love for you, he married you! mine is the same, i KNOW he loves me very much. if he loves you, and you make it very clear to him how you feel without guessing games, he will want to make some sort of change or compromise.

show him your post if you can't get the words out. he might feel upset by it and challenged by it, he might start a fight about it, or ignore it. i don't know your hubby...but it needs to be know EXACTLY how you feel.

suicide is not the answer, as stated before. this is a fixable problem. i feel, if all else fails, a divorce might be in order or an open marriage, something... something to show him you are serious.

 

[CarolineMRF]

Bull pucky.

a vibrator is not a replacement for the need to feel desired, wanted, sexually attractive, etc. to your partner.

it's a relationship need. i have the same problem.

i even check out the porn he's watching. he likes "normal" situations, nrmal looking girls, no porn stars. natural girls that look like me doing normal things. this is what he gets off to and i hate it so much. i stated in another thread about his problem. he has 'performance issues' from what i can tell. probably some other problems too, but i won't get into it here.

you should NOT have to buy a toy as a replacement for your need. it's not the same. have you told him exactly what you posted? how you feel? how strongly you feel it? what have you tried? what kind of porn does he watch (unrealistic, or voyeur, etc)?

i don't doubt his love for you, he married you! mine is the same, i KNOW he loves me very much. if he loves you, and you make it very clear to him how you feel without guessing games, he will want to make some sort of change or compromise.

show him your post if you can't get the words out. he might feel upset by it and challenged by it, he might start a fight about it, or ignore it. i don't know your hubby...but it needs to be know EXACTLY how you feel.

suicide is not the answer, as stated before. this is a fixable problem. i feel, if all else fails, a divorce might be in order or an open marriage, something... something to show him you are serious.

You didn't read what I wrote...I said...

Stay where you are right now in your relationship without a change...

Or: use a vibrator to stimulate yourself

Or: Find another life...

Nothing was said about a vibrator killing your desire for a man...However, I will say with a good vibrator, you can find a place within yourself that can be as near to heaven as you can be...The orgasm between the two objects is entirely different...Yet as a woman we cannot get along without the filling of man...We need this object inserted in us...We crave it...This alone is the reason that so many single and married women will have an affair...Their partner or lack of partner isn't there to sexually take care of them....They are in want...And many find what they want.....

 

[CarolineMRF]

30

I understand what you are saying...Hate to tell you, but she may just be growing into the hot woman within herself...I, too, am very sexual...We are older yet full sex at least twice a week is a norm...Never less...It is good for both of us...He retains youth and I smile a lot...In between these sessions he fingers me to orgasm...This is not a problem as I am there the minute he looks at me...Try doing this...It will be easier on you and I am sure if you explain this to her she will understand...Hope this helps...

Caroline