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I remember dating a girl in 2003-4. It was just over a year together. I was 25 and she was 21 when we met. I loved her very much. But she was heartbroken by her first bf who left her for her friend. I could tell the entire relationship. She never got over him. We were happy together otherwise, but I never addressed this with her. She graduated from college and was looking for a job over the summer. I remember we were housesitting for her sister one day and she got a response to a job application she put in several states away (in the United States). On the call, she said "Yeah I'd be OK with relocating. I have nothing keeping me here." I got a pit in my stomach. I kept my mouth shut. I didn't want to show her my true feelings. She ended up taking a job an hour away from me and broke up with me a few months later. I should have said something about both of these two issues.

I dated this one girl for a few months about a year later. I had reconnected with my brother after a few years of tension between us. He started dating her friend at the same time. When my gf would do things which threw me off, like talking to other guys right in front of me, he told me to just brush it off and not say anything. I let her do whatever she wanted with no boundaries. We disintegrated pretty fast. I should have drawn and enforced boundaries. I regret not doing that.

A few months after that, I met two separate girls at the same time. One we were talking over the phone after I got her number at a bar and the other I was at her place about to have hook up with her after my friend's wedding. The vibe was good with both of them. Both of them brought up some other guy they had been talking to. I didn't respond and just shrugged it off. The one who I was at her house shortly afterward sent me on my way never to hear from her again and the one on the phone immediately told me she sees me as a friend. I should have responded in some way when they both talked about these other guys. If you're interested in me, why would I want to hear about some other guy?

Then I met my ex wife. I had noticed this trend of me keeping my mouth shut and decided to change it. I remember we were talking for a couple of weeks and went out one night. She was with her friend and I was with my brother. I was standing by the bar with my brother and my ex-wife went up on the dance floor with her gf. Some guy went up behind her and started dancing with her. I raced up on stage and said "We're leaving right now!" and walked away. She chased after me and said "But I want you." We got together shortly afterward and were together for 10 years. I always spoke my mind with her.

Then I got divorced. I spent several months healing. Only went on a couple of dates. I wasn't ready. But then I got better and went on a dating rampage. This was in the second half of 2017. I must have gone on 50-75 first dates in 6 months. Fun times, but it eventually got old and I was ready for something more. I met a girl who had great qualities that I look for. Things went fast. But her ex husband left her for her best friend a few years prior. I could tell by the way she talked about it that she was still affected by it. In a different conversation with her, I told her that the only way we were going to be able to give this a real shot with each other is if we let go of the baggage we carry. She said she couldn't do that. I dropped the issue. I can't explain why I didn't keep the conversation going or end it right there. I buried the red flag. Things ended shortly afterward. We tried again a few months later, but it didn't even make it a month. She had abandonment issues and was too damaged.

I dated a girl in 2021. She had been dating an acquaintance of mine, who I didn't like at all. I didn't know they had been together for a few years until the middle of our first date. Things went fast. After a week, she said she's still in love with her ex. I told her it hurts me to hear her say that, and I still want to see her, but we could never be exclusive as long as she still has feelings for him. I should have told her something like "If you're still in love with your ex, why are you on a dating website wasting my time?" and hung up the phone on her. My response was too soft. She went back to him a week later.

Then I dated a girl in late October/November of 2022. She seemed to be pretty into me. We went on a trip to Miami and on the way back, she was texting these two guys. I held it together until we got back to my car. Then I went off on her. She said she didn't want them and she wanted to be with me. But I had made up my mind that I didn't want her anymore. I could have gotten into a relationship with her then and there, if I wanted to. Asserting boundaries and sticking up for myself was the right thing to do and had a positive effect. I have to do more of this, especially when it comes to girls and other guys in the picture.

Then I dated this girl last month. Great chemistry. A few days in, she told me about how her ex from six years ago was abusive. I could tell by her description that she was not over it. I even called my friend to talk to him about it. Things started disintegrating. She would talk about this one ex of hers who she was still friends with. She said she wanted to get him to buy her something expensive. I kept my mouth shut. It made me upset. How would she like it if I got some girl to buy me something, let alone an ex? I should have said something to point out her hypocrisy. She ended it with me shortly afterward.

Thank you for getting through my marathon dating history. It seems like a lesson I learned so long ago was unlearned and I have to learn it all over again. I have to freely express myself with the women I date. I also have to stick up for myself and not accept it when a girl crosses my boundaries. It's my right to do this. I feel like I'm ruining my chances with these women by keeping my mouth shut. After all, if I'm not willing to get jealous over a girl, how much can I really care about her? Speak up. Keep it real with them. Don't be this fake passive guy who always keeps things on the positive. That's not the real me.
 

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I remember dating a girl in 2003-4. It was just over a year together. I was 25 and she was 21 when we met. I loved her very much. But she was heartbroken by her first bf who left her for her friend. I could tell the entire relationship. She never got over him. We were happy together otherwise, but I never addressed this with her. She graduated from college and was looking for a job over the summer. I remember we were housesitting for her sister one day and she got a response to a job application she put in several states away (in the United States). On the call, she said "Yeah I'd be OK with relocating. I have nothing keeping me here." I got a pit in my stomach. I kept my mouth shut. I didn't want to show her my true feelings. She ended up taking a job an hour away from me and broke up with me a few months later. I should have said something about both of these two issues.

I dated this one girl for a few months about a year later. I had reconnected with my brother after a few years of tension between us. He started dating her friend at the same time. When my gf would do things which threw me off, like talking to other guys right in front of me, he told me to just brush it off and not say anything. I let her do whatever she wanted with no boundaries. We disintegrated pretty fast. I should have drawn and enforced boundaries. I regret not doing that.

A few months after that, I met two separate girls at the same time. One we were talking over the phone after I got her number at a bar and the other I was at her place about to have hook up with her after my friend's wedding. The vibe was good with both of them. Both of them brought up some other guy they had been talking to. I didn't respond and just shrugged it off. The one who I was at her house shortly afterward sent me on my way never to hear from her again and the one on the phone immediately told me she sees me as a friend. I should have responded in some way when they both talked about these other guys. If you're interested in me, why would I want to hear about some other guy?

Then I met my ex wife. I had noticed this trend of me keeping my mouth shut and decided to change it. I remember we were talking for a couple of weeks and went out one night. She was with her friend and I was with my brother. I was standing by the bar with my brother and my ex-wife went up on the dance floor with her gf. Some guy went up behind her and started dancing with her. I raced up on stage and said "We're leaving right now!" and walked away. She chased after me and said "But I want you." We got together shortly afterward and were together for 10 years. I always spoke my mind with her.

Then I got divorced. I spent several months healing. Only went on a couple of dates. I wasn't ready. But then I got better and went on a dating rampage. This was in the second half of 2017. I must have gone on 50-75 first dates in 6 months. Fun times, but it eventually got old and I was ready for something more. I met a girl who had great qualities that I look for. Things went fast. But her ex husband left her for her best friend a few years prior. I could tell by the way she talked about it that she was still affected by it. In a different conversation with her, I told her that the only way we were going to be able to give this a real shot with each other is if we let go of the baggage we carry. She said she couldn't do that. I dropped the issue. I can't explain why I didn't keep the conversation going or end it right there. I buried the red flag. Things ended shortly afterward. We tried again a few months later, but it didn't even make it a month. She had abandonment issues and was too damaged.

I dated a girl in 2021. She had been dating an acquaintance of mine, who I didn't like at all. I didn't know they had been together for a few years until the middle of our first date. Things went fast. After a week, she said she's still in love with her ex. I told her it hurts me to hear her say that, and I still want to see her, but we could never be exclusive as long as she still has feelings for him. I should have told her something like "If you're still in love with your ex, why are you on a dating website wasting my time?" and hung up the phone on her. My response was too soft. She went back to him a week later.

Then I dated a girl in late October/November of 2022. She seemed to be pretty into me. We went on a trip to Miami and on the way back, she was texting these two guys. I held it together until we got back to my car. Then I went off on her. She said she didn't want them and she wanted to be with me. But I had made up my mind that I didn't want her anymore. I could have gotten into a relationship with her then and there, if I wanted to. Asserting boundaries and sticking up for myself was the right thing to do and had a positive effect. I have to do more of this, especially when it comes to girls and other guys in the picture.

Then I dated this girl last month. Great chemistry. A few days in, she told me about how her ex from six years ago was abusive. I could tell by her description that she was not over it. I even called my friend to talk to him about it. Things started disintegrating. She would talk about this one ex of hers who she was still friends with. She said she wanted to get him to buy her something expensive. I kept my mouth shut. It made me upset. How would she like it if I got some girl to buy me something, let alone an ex? I should have said something to point out her hypocrisy. She ended it with me shortly afterward.

Thank you for getting through my marathon dating history. It seems like a lesson I learned so long ago was unlearned and I have to learn it all over again. I have to freely express myself with the women I date. I also have to stick up for myself and not accept it when a girl crosses my boundaries. It's my right to do this. I feel like I'm ruining my chances with these women by keeping my mouth shut. After all, if I'm not willing to get jealous over a girl, how much can I really care about her? Speak up. Keep it real with them. Don't be this fake passive guy who always keeps things on the positive. That's not the real me.
At least it sounds like you didn't stay mired in the relationships once you realize they were not working out. Because that's what too many people do. Once you know they're not focused on you, that's all well and good, but it's just time to dump them and move on.

I do kind of wonder why you got into such a cycle of kind of the same thing over and over though. I hope you are starting to sort that out so that you can break the cycle. Good luck.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Thank you for your post. I'll be honest, though: most of them ended up breaking it off with me. Or they put me in a position where I had to break it off with them.

That's exactly why I'm writing this post. I'm not sure why I do this, but when I snap myself out of it, things go well. I'm trying to write it all out so I see the trend in black and white. That way I should be better aware of it and not do it next time.

I was really good about it with my ex-wife. That's why we lasted 10 years. And I was actually pretty good about it for a year afterward. Then I got some bad advice from a friend who made me act more soft towards girls. Ever since 2018, I have not been addressing situations fully and correctly like I had been. Have to be willing to call girls out on serious issues even if it risks losing them. This applies no matter how hot they are and into them I am.
 

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Thank you for your post. I'll be honest, though: most of them ended up breaking it off with me. Or they put me in a position where I had to break it off with them.

That's exactly why I'm writing this post. I'm not sure why I do this, but when I snap myself out of it, things go well. I'm trying to write it all out so I see the trend in black and white. That way I should be better aware of it and not do it next time.

I was really good about it with my ex-wife. That's why we lasted 10 years. And I was actually pretty good about it for a year afterward. Then I got some bad advice from a friend who made me act more soft towards girls. Ever since 2018, I have not been addressing situations fully and correctly like I had been. Have to be willing to call girls out on serious issues even if it risks losing them. This applies no matter how hot they are and into them I am.
I'm afraid your friend gave you bad advice. You can't just ignore something and it'll go away. It's a real good idea to write this stuff out and your history and read it over and add to it if you remember more things. Then let it sit a while and then go read it again and you will start to see patterns and maybe some of the patterns or something you can change. Maybe you can figure out why you are falling for these particular women. Maybe you can figure out why they seem to get blasé but still go out with you which I find weird. You live and learn.
 

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So you were married 10 years?

I notice that you give just a few sentences to marriage, zero information here. But lengthy paragraphs about dating and dating and dating.

The mental marriage block seems really important.

Not the endless list of this girl that girl.

Do you think there’s a problem?
 

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You got a broken Moon, my friend.
A Moon blue, and one that will never to be true to you.

There-in, shines light on your hapless ladies, your maladies.
It may be that Saturn is hunting your Moon.

Tell me about your mother.

.............................................................................

Be not, that obvious Knight in Shining Armor.



Gwendolyn-
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
I'm afraid your friend gave you bad advice. You can't just ignore something and it'll go away. It's a real good idea to write this stuff out and your history and read it over and add to it if you remember more things. Then let it sit a while and then go read it again and you will start to see patterns and maybe some of the patterns or something you can change. Maybe you can figure out why you are falling for these particular women. Maybe you can figure out why they seem to get blasé but still go out with you which I find weird. You live and learn.
Both him and my brother gave me bad advice. Never let things slide. Especially when it comes to testing your resolve. And I'm not talking about freaking out because she didn't make the bed. That's psycho. But if she talks about some guy, I have to react.

I don't think it's a problem with the women. They're no saints, but they're just like you and me. But this problem is within me. I start off strong. I have a dominant personality. It's this specific issue which I fail at. They test it and I fail. So cracks in the foundation become apparent. It's all downhill from there.

I have dated several women over the years. My dating history is quite extensive, especially over the past 6 years. These are just the ones that highlight my shortcomings. I'm concentrating on them so I can correct this issue.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
You need to get your picker fixed and also learn to set and stick to boundaries.
Get the book (you can find it free online sometimes) called "No More Mr. Nice Guy".
If you do nothing expect no change.
The girls are fine. The problem is something very specific within me. And I see it now. My recent split highlighted it. I am certainly not beyond reading up on it and appreciate your book recommendation, but I solved this once before and can solve it again by thinking it through. I just forgot what I had learned so long ago.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
So you were married 10 years?

I notice that you give just a few sentences to marriage, zero information here. But lengthy paragraphs about dating and dating and dating.

The mental marriage block seems really important.

Not the endless list of this girl that girl.

Do you think there’s a problem?
Only reason is because this wasn't an issue during my marriage. I always spoke my mind. My ex-wife deferred to me. Any BS she threw my way, I addressed. She stopped testing me a year into our relationship together. That's how I know I have it in me to solve it. I just needed to organize my thoughts and now I know to keep an eye on this. I've been lazy in dating lately, expecting the girl to be perfect or else she's not for me. I have to take on the responsibility of establishing and enforcing boundaries. Voicing my concerns. She's no mind reader. This is my job in the interaction.
 

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Only reason is because this wasn't an issue during my marriage. I always spoke my mind. My ex-wife deferred to me. Any BS she threw my way, I addressed. She stopped testing me a year into our relationship together. That's how I know I have it in me to solve it. I just needed to organize my thoughts and now I know to keep an eye on this. I've been lazy in dating lately, expecting the girl to be perfect or else she's not for me. I have to take on the responsibility of establishing and enforcing boundaries. Voicing my concerns. She's no mind reader. This is my job in the interaction.
Why did you get divorced?
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
Why did you get divorced?
I changed my mind on having children with her and the relationship fell apart shortly afterward. I felt she was too immature. I do not regret that decision. I got over my ex-wife a long time ago. I barely think about her anymore. I think she's a good person with good intentions, but we'll never speak again. We ended 6 years ago.
 

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I changed my mind on having children with her and the relationship fell apart shortly afterward. I felt she was too immature. I do not regret that decision. I got over my ex-wife a long time ago. I barely think about her anymore. I think she's a good person with good intentions, but we'll never speak again. We ended 6 years ago.
Too immature in what sense? She accepted you, chose to marry you, and was FAITHFUL to you for 10 straight years - this is HOW a mature woman carry her relationship with a man.

But women have a biological clock. Your EX spent 10 years of her life with you to what end? Nothing. I feel sorry for her instead.
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
Too immature in what sense? She accepted you, chose to marry you, and was FAITHFUL to you for 10 straight years - this is HOW a mature woman carry her relationship with a man.

But women have a biological clock. Your EX spent 10 years of her life with you to what end? Nothing. I feel sorry for her instead.
You have no idea what you're talking about. You weren't there and don't know an the facts. I feel fully justified in my position.

Don't derail this thread. I'm not commenting on my ex-wife anymore. She's not the reason for my post. Feel free to start your own thread about this.
 

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You have no idea what you're talking about. You weren't there and don't know an the facts. I feel fully justified in my position.

Don't derail this thread. I'm not commenting on my ex-wife anymore. She's not the reason for my post. Feel free to start your own thread about this.
This is a discussion forum where other members might choose to ask you question(s) or choose to expand on your statement(s) to give you some perspective. You need to handle your conversations positively to your benefit. You seem to have conflicting thoughts about your EX and this is a weak point on your part. Relationship-focused women might judge you on this count. So take this as a hint.

1. Be less reactionary.
2. Be upfront with a women about what you expect from her when you date one.

This will help you.
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
This is a discussion forum where other members might choose to ask you question(s) or choose to expand on your statement(s) to give you some perspective. You need to handle your conversations positively to your benefit. You seem to have conflicting thoughts about your EX and this is a weak point on your part. Relationship-focused women might judge you on this count. So take this as a hint.

1. Be less reactionary.
2. Be upfront with a women about what you expect from her when you date one.

This will help you.
This is called running off on a tangent. I don't need any help with my ex-wife. I believe I did everything correctly with her. And I don't appreciate being lectured. I'm a 44 year old man. My relationship with my ex-wife is resolved to my satisfaction. I walked away from that relationship with a clear conscience.

As far as how other women view the situation, when I tell my story to them, which I tell freely, women routinely make comments like "what a monster" and "I would never abandon you on your Deathbed like that". They're talking about her. I end up having to defend my ex-wife, who I do not believe is a monster. She was simply an 8-year-old girl trapped in a 33-year-old woman's body.

Now to your advice: I don't believe I'm being reactive enough. I can safely come to that conclusion based on my other previous experiences. No other poster agrees with you.

I'm very upfront with what I'm looking for with women. My position is clear: it depends on who I meet. I have to get to know you before I decide what I want with you. Once again, all of this is completely tangent to my thread and not helpful.
 

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Speaking up is all well and good but choose your battles. People here aren't your exs, he may be off base, just correct him and move on.

It's good that you are understanding boundaries now at least.
 

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Both him and my brother gave me bad advice. Never let things slide. Especially when it comes to testing your resolve. And I'm not talking about freaking out because she didn't make the bed. That's psycho. But if she talks about some guy, I have to react.

I don't think it's a problem with the women. They're no saints, but they're just like you and me. But this problem is within me. I start off strong. I have a dominant personality. It's this specific issue which I fail at. They test it and I fail. So cracks in the foundation become apparent. It's all downhill from there.

I have dated several women over the years. My dating history is quite extensive, especially over the past 6 years. These are just the ones that highlight my shortcomings. I'm concentrating on them so I can correct this issue.
Look up sh*t tests -- read up on them. These women are doing this to you and you are failing by NOT standing up to them. You are on the right track -- but you need to STAY on the track.
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
Look up sh*t tests -- read up on them. These women are doing this to you and you are failing by NOT standing up to them. You are on the right track -- but you need to STAY on the track.
I sincerely thank you I am very well aware of these and the term. I couldn't agree more with your post and this is a nice way to sum up my issue.

I've succeeded at solving this in the past and I can do it again. Now that I have my eye on it. I will be laser focused on responding to these when they are thrown my way from now on. It's at the top of my mind.
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 · (Edited)
You know, back in mid 2006, my brother was dating a girl here in my home city. He lived several hours away while in Med school. They dated for a handful of months. Things were pretty good between them.

But then she started complaining about the distance between them. Repeatedly. It was around this time that I learned this lesson. I told him a few times, that he needs to address this nonsense. I told him he should say something like "What difference does the distance make? If two people care about each other, they make it work. I'm in this for real, and if you're not, I'm ending this." Throw down the ultimatum like that. Either she would have been propelled to get over it, or he would have been the one to move on. He couldn't do it. He didn't have the strength. Instead, she dumped him a month later. I think if he would have handled it my way, she would have fallen in line. They liked each other a lot.

I come back to this thread often. It's pretty obvious what I've been doing wrong and what I need to correct. I just wish it weren't in the middle of my busy season at work. I deleted all of my dating apps. I need to get new pictures anyway. I'm dating this one girl, but she hasn't tested me yet. No opportunity to test my revelation. Will keep you posted.
 
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