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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
My husband and I have been married for 8 years. During this time he has made it a point to make sure that I don't hang around anyone. I am stay at home mom and have little ones. It's very isolating and lonely.He kept telling me that all we need is each other. That we don't need friends. If other women came around he would make it his priority to steer them away from me. I wanted to be more social but it was hard because he always found a way to block it or he would give me a "we don't need them" speech.He wouldn't let them get to know me or me know them. What's odd about all of this is that he has not made his life isolating as he has made mine. He knows EVERYBODY. Everywhere we move he meets everyone in the neighborhood and becomes good friends with them. He will spend 7am to 6pm outside with them all day everyday of the week. He works from home so it allows him lots of leisure. I will spend my time in the house of course waiting on him to come inside. What I'm trying to figure out is why he wanted my life to be like this and for his life not to be like this.When I get upset he says "why don't you just come outside with me". Yet when I do go out there he always acts like I'm interrupting something. So I don't go.

Awhile ago his brother lived with us and he made him move after he got a gf. His brother had been living with us for about 4 years and he would have never made him move before yet now all of a sudden he needed to move.I actually liked the woman. I figured since we all lived in the same home she and I could be good friends. My dh started so much drama that I don't know where it began and we all just fell out with each other. He told me that this woman was saying all kinds of mean things about us and that he didn't want her around. I never heard any of these things but he was adamant that it was true. I talked to her about it the day we had a big blow up and she said it wasn't true. Now that I think about all of this. I swear he started all of this just so I wouldn't befriend her.

This morning we had an argument. I called him on his crap because I have wanted to go out and have asked him and he would say we don't need to go anywhere. Yesterday, he planned a early morning fishing trip with these men who he hangs out with. I found out this morning when they pulled up in my yard at 5am. I was pissed. It was not until he realized that I was on to him that he decided he wanted to take all of us, but I don't want to go. I don't want my husband to be my only source of social outlet. Yet he has made it so hard for me to get to know people. He will say things to them like "my wife doesn't hang out", but I want to. I want to be around people. I don't want to spend my life in a bubble with no one to talk to but my husband everyday. It isn't me it's him and I think people realize it, but they don't say anything. He acts like he does not realize he does this and when I mention it to him he will say "those guys I hang out with are not my friends". Oh really, so why the hell do you dedicate your entire day to these people? And why did you tell me that I don't need to be around these people that live here in our town and you do the exact opposite?I don't get his motive behind this, but I'm starting not to trust him at all. I don't trust what he says or does and I feel like he is totally manipulating me. I don't know what to make of it because he is not physically abusive and I don't know if I should call this emotional abuse. Whatever the case, it doesn't feel right anymore. Back when I was younger I bought this crap he had been telling me, now I don't and I'm very resentful.
 

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Do you have a car? Are you able to go out,get groceries etc? Or do you have to rely on him for that too? Do you have access to any of the financial things? Bills, money etc?

He seems very controlling. The thing with his brother sounds fishy to me. You said things were ok until he got a g/f. And you husband wanted them gone, and she was talking bad about you all. Do you think its possible there might have been something going on with your husband and his brothers g/f, and thats why he wanted them gone? What kinds of things was she saying?

Its time to stand up for yourself. You need to put your foot down.
Also, you need to ask yourself why you're still with him, its no life.
 

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Downhill, you do not need to understand his logic. You need to be in control of your life with him, though.

You do not need his permission or approval to have friends. Just do it. When he throws temper tantrums, don't get hooked into arguments about it. Listen to him, let him vent, and once he's said all that he wants to, reply with a simple statement like, "I'm sorry my friendships seem to be so uncomfortable to you. I hope you find a way to cope with your feelings, because I'm going to have friends."
 

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When someone wants to control outside contact with their mate, it's because they don't want their mate to get 'any ideas' that could 'hurt the relationship'. Perhaps he thinks outside influences would make you "wake up" to his garbage and you'd 'get ideas' about leaving.

I have a friend whose husband (soon to be Ex) is/was like this. Controlled who she talked to, and she was never allowed to go out and even started to keep her away from her family.

Be careful. It's a big sign of abuse. How else is he towards you?
 

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You have free will & can do what you want. If you are afraid of him, then call a women's DV center.

I'm glad you are here reaching out. Maybe you will figure out why you allow yourself to be controlled.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
I have children, young children. Unfortunately at this time I am financially dependent on him, there is no way I could go up against him without it causing an uproar. Its hard to make waves when you are in a position like that. He would threaten to throw me out, he would take everything away from me. I've put up with alot for this reason alone. I don't say much because I'm afraid that he won't take my position into consideration during his anger. I can't be out there on the streets trying to get it together with all my kids. I would struggle for sure and he would make sure of it.
 

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You are not financially dependent upon him unless you want to be.

You *could* survive with your children by getting a job, seeking TANF temporarily, staying with family for a while, or staying in a homeless shelter if necessary.

I am not saying that's a good plan, but it gives you options if he's truly such a jerk that he booted you out. I personally would choose a humiliating temporary stay at a homeless shelter and welfare (which I have chosen for a 4 month period at one point in time) to living with someone who prevents me from having the ability to choose my own values and priorities.
 

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Your husband is very controlling and also insecure. He has made you a prisoner in your own home. He feels if you have friends, he will not get as much attention. You needs to sit down with him and have a chat about this. Tell him the marriage is not all about what he wants, and that you feel you need female friendship.
From what you posted, it sounds suspicious. You many not want to think about it, but he may be cheating on you. He wants you there for him and the kids, but isolating you is a way of keeping you from knowing what he is doing.
Making his brother move all of a sudden when he has a gf is odd, as if he doesn't want you to have any friends and he may have been cheating on you with his brother's gf. Men like this are controlling. They want you to do only what they want, can be paranoid about their mates cheating. This is a form of abuse. You both should seek counseling immediately.


You both need to see a counselor.
 

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I have children, young children. Unfortunately at this time I am financially dependent on him, there is no way I could go up against him without it causing an uproar. Its hard to make waves when you are in a position like that. He would threaten to throw me out, he would take everything away from me. I've put up with alot for this reason alone. I don't say much because I'm afraid that he won't take my position into consideration during his anger. I can't be out there on the streets trying to get it together with all my kids. I would struggle for sure and he would make sure of it.
Has he threatened to throw you out before because you want to have a social life? I understand having little children can make it very hard. But that is no way to live. He wants you to be dependent only on him. He feels his situation will be threatened if you have a social life. There are people who are in the news who have kidnapped people and imprisoned them to have sex with them. They feel they can't have a normal relationship with people because they will leave so they just force it on them. Don't take this! Get help! Call your parents and tell them what is going on. Take the kids with you and stay there for a bit. Talk to a counselor. This is not a real marriage.
 

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His logic: if he keeps you entirely isolated and dependent on him, you can't ever leave him because you will have no money and no friends to help you.

Add in some fear from his anger and he has succeeded: you believe you can't possibly leave him.

Truth is, you can leave. In a divorce, he is responsible for supporting an SAHM ex-wife with alimony, and he is responsible for child support.

Go and stay with his family if you must. Go home to your family. Kick him out. If he hasn't prevented access to your joint marital funds, take some money from your bank accounts and get a cheap apartment until the divorce is final. You have options.
 
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