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I am 32 years old and have been married for 10 years. I love my husband dearly but there is something wrong with our marriage. We have extremely different sex drives. Sex always seems to be on his mind, whereas sex is not a priority to me. I work part time, I am a full time student and we have a young child. I am too tired most of the time. When we are having sex several times a week, our marriage seems to be going good. But God forbid we go a few weeks without sex and his attitude toward me changes. He isn't as affectionate and he is constantly saying something about sex, letting me know that he wants it. This is how it has been for most of our marriage. I am actually surprised that he is still with me. He says it is not just sex to him, but it is making love and it helps our marriage. I agree that a good sex life is important to a good marriage, but with the way he acts when our sex life is slow makes me wonder his true intentions and feelings. I know he loves me and wants our marriage to last. We have talked about it until we are both sick of talking about it. Therapy really isn't an option because right now we just don't have the extra money. I am to the point to where I don't even want him to touch me and I don't even want to be around him because I know he will sooner or later say something about wanting sex again. It's been really bad this past week because our child has been with the grandparents this week for a visit so we have been home alone. I've tried to tell him how it makes me feel when he acts that way. But as usual, the blame is shifted to me because he will say that we haven't had sex lately. Something else I don't understand...he says he is not as affectionate toward me during our "slow sex" times because it just makes him want me more, but yet he can still make his little comments all day long. I actually paid attention one evening and he spoke to me on 4 different occassions, and every time it was something about sex. EVERY TIME. He is ruining sex for me...I honestly think I could go without for months because of the way I feel about it now. I know this is long, but I have no one to talk to, so I appreciate anyone who has any suggestions.
 

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I need help please

Dear Alm,

I wish I had the answer for you wrapped up in a neat little sentence but it sounds like your husband has some issues with using sex all the time. The problem is not how much or how little but how it makes you feel and that he is not communicating with you emotionally. It sounds like he is a little addicted or trying to use sex to replace other needs. I understand that therapy is not always easy to get but I believe this site has on-line therapists that might be able to help you a little more than a lay person would. While sex is very important in a healthy marriage it is not the answer to everything nor is it suppose to replace real intimacy which involves mutual respect and caring for both partners. If you don't get your help on line, please try and visit your local townhall and see if there is anyone that can talk to you. I know that therapists are available sometimes for free---I don't want to sound harsh but your husband should be investing some of that energy and time in his career focusing on how he is going to help build your lives together. I wish you the best. You answered my first post and you made me feel better, I wish I could do the same for you!!
 

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There is nothing truly wrong here. Males have a higher sex drive because they have more testosterone. It is normal, contrary to what "studies" say about the number of times people have sex per week.

Many time, the male's drive needs to be redirected into other things like hobbies, and work around the house. You might try finding more activities for him. Otherwise, you might write him a letter telling him exactly the effect this has had on you, since talking probably isn't going to work.
 

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I would have to agree that this is normal. My husband is the same way and I think I noticed so much because I knew that I had not been in the mood and that in all honesty it had been awhile. Sometimes I thing that we put way to much pressure on ourselves when it concerns this. I would agree though a letter to him explaining exactly how you feel will help you get it off your chest and help him to maybe understand where you are coming from better.
 
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