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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
My wife has been off work for nearly two years with an injured shoulder. Insurance is paying 90% of her previous wage. Although the doctors say she is healed, she still has signficant pain if she exerts herself. I am taking care of most of the physical chores (vacuuming, washing floors, cleaning guest bathroom) so she does not have to. I do my own laundry and several nights a week I cook a nice meal for us when I get home from work. In addition to that, I do at least an equal share of day to day maintenance and cleanup. Our home is not big and I can do a complete once over in a few hours if I am moving at a fast pace.

I have more income (about 2 x) so I pay for mortgage, utilities, most of the grocery bill, her phone, her gym membership, her car, holidays, saving for our future etc, etc.. She brings home hygiene sundries (toilet paper, soap, toothpaste etc.) and also pays a couple hundred dollars for the strata fee. Obvioulsy I pay more than her ,I have twice her income..but I sure pay a lot more than twice our expenses!

After many years I finally convinced her to keep track of her spending for a couple months and as I suspected

...about 40% of her income goes to daily cigarettes and beer!

...This leaves her broke and living check to check. Most of the food she brings into the household is her personal snacks and goodies that I don't eat. The crazy thing is that for the spending on sundries, snacks and goodies she expects me to keep the joint account topped up so she has money to spend! I have done this for years...but why should I give her money when the reason she has no money is because of smoking and drinking?

Literally she only cooks a meal for both of us about once a month. She does not make lunch or breakfast ever. She rarely cleans thourougly. If I want the nooks and crannies cleaned, then I do it myself. Most days she sleeps in and when I get home from work she is either on the couch watching TV or on the patio drinking beer and smoking cigarretes. She often tells me she has had a busy day and that i can't see all that she has done. It's true..even when I look, I am hard pressed to tell what she has done. On my days off, I can see that she putters about. All I know is that I just spent 10 to 12 hour work day at my job and that I could clean the entire house spotlessly in just 4 to 5 hours per week.

I love my wife a lot, but honestly, this does not seem like a partnership and I am feeling resentful about her lack of input and responsibility. When I raised the subject the other day she belittled me and said that I should visit a doctor to see if I am OCD or ADD and to get medication to control it. No..I am not OCD or ADD, it is just her way of deflecting whenever I have a serious issue to discuss.

So, any advice? Am I expecting too much? Am I giving too much? If she does not partner up am I just screwed and have to suck it up myself?

How2BHappy
 

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More information about your financial situation would be helpful but I understand if you don't want to give that. Of course you should not give hard numbers.

Anyway, you both need to set a budget where you outline who pays for what and also outline a "spending money" line for each of you.

You should also be putting money into savings and retirement. Are you both doing this?
 

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Nope, you're not being unreasonable. Sounds like she has fallen into a rut and you need to nudge her a bit. A budget is your friend. Sit her down and as non accusingly as possible tell her what you see and how it makes you feel. Deep down she knows she has a problem. Ask for her support in managing the problem and have a game plan in mind to suggest to her to deal with the issue. This is important... try to get her partnership in dealing with the issue, she must feel ownership of the plan. Often easier said than done. You coming across to her in a non-condemning demeanor will do a lot to get through to her. Try the carrot before you try the stick.

Could she be alcoholic? What about hormone problems or depression? There can be a number of issues that are contributing to her state. I had a friend who went through a couple years like what you describe and then with the help of a patient, loving spouse and a life coach was able to turn it around and function normally. Good luck.
 

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You two are not compatible. No kids right?? So divorce quickly and move on or aceept this is the way its going to be.
 

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I guess it depends on what her income is... 40% of minimum wage is a lot different than 40% of a 6 figure income. So it's hard to know what she's spending.

Get her to change to smoking an e-cig. The cost is very small compared to cigarettes. After buying the ecig, the fluid is about $18 max a week. The people I know who are doing this have it down to a bottle of fluid every 2 weeks. So that's $9 a week. One benefit is that you will no longer be breathing her second hand smoke.

Your wife needs to be gently pushed to start living her life again. You might want to insist that the two of you get into counseling. You need some help with this.
 

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It depends on how much YOU smoke and drink BEER.

Is she providing YOUR habit and hers too?

A family budget goes only so far.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 · (Edited)
More information about your financial situation would be helpful but I understand if you don't want to give that. Of course you should not give hard numbers.

Anyway, you both need to set a budget where you outline who pays for what and also outline a "spending money" line for each of you.

You should also be putting money into savings and retirement. Are you both doing this?
After tax she brings in about 1,700 per month and I bring home roughly double that. A budget would be excellent. I have tried for 7 to 8 years to establish a budget. I was only able to get her to give me a tracking of her expenses over the last little while because I finally put my foot down and I told her that I would not give her any more money until she provided some accountability. She held out for almost 3 months until she gave in.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 · (Edited)
Nope, you're not being unreasonable. Sounds like she has fallen into a rut and you need to nudge her a bit. A budget is your friend. Sit her down and as non accusingly as possible tell her what you see and how it makes you feel. Deep down she knows she has a problem. Ask for her support in managing the problem and have a game plan in mind to suggest to her to deal with the issue. This is important... try to get her partnership in dealing with the issue, she must feel ownership of the plan. Often easier said than done. You coming across to her in a non-condemning demeanor will do a lot to get through to her. Try the carrot before you try the stick.

Could she be alcoholic? What about hormone problems or depression? There can be a number of issues that are contributing to her state. I had a friend who went through a couple years like what you describe and then with the help of a patient, loving spouse and a life coach was able to turn it around and function normally. Good luck.
Thanks for your reply. I don't know if she is in a rut, it has always been this way even when she was working full time. I like your advice about approaching her and asking support to manage the problem so that she feels ownership.

No I don't think she is alcoholic. I used to wonder about that but I have learned over the years that it is merely habit, leisure and escapism. A life coach is also a good idea, but it has to be her idea. I want so much for her to grow and bloom.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
I guess it depends on what her income is... 40% of minimum wage is a lot different than 40% of a 6 figure income. So it's hard to know what she's spending.

Get her to change to smoking an e-cig. The cost is very small compared to cigarettes. After buying the ecig, the fluid is about $18 max a week. The people I know who are doing this have it down to a bottle of fluid every 2 weeks. So that's $9 a week. One benefit is that you will no longer be breathing her second hand smoke.

Your wife needs to be gently pushed to start living her life again. You might want to insist that the two of you get into counseling. You need some help with this.
Thanks for the suggestion. After I read this, I casually asked her if she would be interested in try E cigs...and guess what?... She told me she has been considering that recently but that she did not want to go to the expense of trying them if they did not work or satisfy her as a replacement. We will do more research.
 
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