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15 years ago I made a huge mistake that has come back to haunt me. My cousin (Toni) and I used to love to go out dancing. Our husbands were not interested in the dance club scene, so it was not at all unusual for me and Toni to get together without our hubbies on a Saturday night and hit a few dance clubs. Although we would always get “hit-on” by guys at the clubs, neither one of us had any intent but to have a good time dancing. We both were usually very good at minimizing our alcohol consumption, but one night we both felt that we were just a little too drunk to drive so we decided to call a cab for a ride home. Prior to the cab arriving we ran into two guy friends that I had gone to high school with. (Tom and Jim) I introduced them to Toni, and we began chatting. When we told them that we had called a cab, they offered to give us a ride home. Since I hadn’t seen them in a long time we decided to accept their offer so that we could continue to catch-up on old times. We dropped Toni off at her house, and we started to drive to my house. At some point (the alcohol made this horrible decision for me) I started kissing Tom. As Tom and I were making-out, Jim pulled the truck into a car wash and before I knew what was happening, I was making-out with both of them. I must say, both of them were incredibly polite and asked me several times if I was OK with what was happening. We decided to go to Tom’s apartment. I ended up spending the next hour or so having sex with both of them. The incredible passion of the moment combined with the alcohol blinded my sense of reality. A couple days later I found Toms phone number in the phone book and called him to explain that what happened was a horrible mistake. And I begged him to get in touch with Jim and to forget the night ever happened. I never saw or heard from either one of them since that night. I also called my cousin Toni and told her about the whole thing. That was the last time I ever discussed it. Unfortunately, Toni told her husband Eric every detail of that evening. Including their names. It turns out that Eric knew both of the guys pretty well. He played college football with Jim.

15 years later (3 months ago), Toni filed for divorce from Eric. The divorce is extremely ugly. Eric is an alcoholic and also very violent. 2 weeks ago I was at her house when he showed up and began kicking all the doors and banging on the windows. I told him that I was calling the police, but I didn’t. He got in his car and drove away. The next day Eric called me at work and told me I was filthy. He told me that he had just gotten in touch with one of the guys (Jim) from that night 15 years ago, and that he gave him every morbid detail of that night. He also threatened to tell my husband about everything.

I don’t know what to do. I haven’t gotten much sleep in the past 2 weeks. I keep reliving that night. I can’t get it out of my mind. I can’t stop crying. I can’t eat. I keep vomiting. I’ve called off work for the past 4 days. My husband keeps begging me to go to the doctor. I no longer trust my cousin’s support on anything. I need good advice. I love my husband and don’t want to break this marriage up. However if he finds out about that night, I don’t know that he’ll believe me if I deny that it happened. I think I’m having a nervous breakdown. I’ve never used an on-line forum for advise before, but I don’t know what to do. What should I do?
 

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Not sure what you should do, but my wife had a threesome (2 guys) before I ever met her. In spite of it being before me, it still messed with my head. Have no doubt, the truth is going to hurt your husband tremendously.
 

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I will give some warning and don't take this wrong you are about to hear a lot of responses some hurtful and some not. Don't leave after being barraged with a plethora of responses. Your task is to seriously consider all the advice, most of which will be good and use it wisely.

My simple advice, tell your H everything now about that night. Do not leave out a single detail. better you than Eric. Oh and don't hide under the cover of being inebriated. It's sounds pathetic and alcohol did not make you cheat.
 

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I will give some warning and don't take this wrong you are about to hear a lot of responses some hurtful and some not. Don't leave after being barraged with a plethora of responses. Your task is seriously consider all the advice, most of which will be good and use it wisely.

My simple advice, tell your H everything now about that night. Do not leave out single detail. better you than Eric. Oh and don't hide under the cover of being inebriated. It's sounds pathetic and alcohol did not make you cheat.
:iagree: the truth will out in the end...better to come from you.
 

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Do what you should have done 15 years ago and tell your husband. Sooner or later he will get news of this and it's better you do it. You owe him at least that, since you forced the guy into the chump role for those 15 years.
 

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Tell himTODAY. If you continued to go dancing without your husband he will have serious and understanable doubts about it being only one night.

What did you do to prevent that from ever happening again? If you took positive steps be sure to include them in your confession.

Be honest and tell him why you had to disclose this secret now.
 

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1 man is probably forgivable..

But a 3 some with 2 guys.......I don't even know how you're going to talk your way out of that one.

So your marriage is 15 years based on a foundation of a huge lie. Well, that's how your husband is going to see it, nothing but a big lie the entire 15 years. Huge hurdle for you to overcome.

I can also see in those 15 years, it doesn't look like you've suffered much in terms of regret, it's the past and forgotten. We must be cut from the same cloth, water off a duck's back motto. Only when faced with the problem, we like to run off and hide instead of facing it. Wow, we really are cut from the same cloth.

Time to face your demon instead of hiding like a coward. Sometimes you gotta pay the price for your mistakes. Those that go take full responsibility and pay for them start to turn their lives around eventually. Those that keep on hiding and running, well they don't amount to much in the end.

Maybe you should have begged your husband 15 years ago to forgive you if you were that remorseful.

Sorry to be harsh but it's still all about you, so you don't get much sympathy from me.
 

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My simple advice, tell your H everything now about that night. Do not leave out single detail. better you than Eric. Oh and don't hide under the cover of being inebriated. It's sounds pathetic and alcohol did not make you cheat.
I agree with most of your advice but I wouldn't downplay the alcohol completely, no doubt it did cloud your judgement to some extent and while it's no excuse it definitely is a factor.

You gotta tell him and let the chips fall where they may.

Maybe find some solace in knowing that your fate is already decided based on your husbands personality, character, that sort of thing. Either he'll forgive you or divorce you, but it doesn't change what you have to do next, which is to tell him.

Also I don't know how much detail you need to provide, I'd sort of tell him what happened and then if he wants the blanks filled in then give it to him.

You're probably going to have to tell him why you're giving this up now, because if you don't and the troublemaker exhusband tells him, then it's another big hit of deception.
 

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So let me approach this as an oncologist might approach cancer treatment. If you allow Eric to tell your H, you will look like a cheat and a liar. At that point there is a 99.9% chance your marriage will be over. If you tell him everything NOW, you are just a cheater and there is a 90% probability that your marriage will be over. If you add the excuse that these were nice guys that will bring your failure probability up to 93%. Add in the alcohol as an excuse and your marriage has a 95% chance of failing. Reality, I am just making these numbers up, but you need to get the gist of my relative argument.

I'm sure, the way you describe Eric, he will out you. So choose your probability.
 

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I just hope she doesn't do something stupid to try and cover this incident up. People in her position can be easily manipulated and with the cousin's STBXH holding alot of the cards, she could make a huge mistake even bigger.
 

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I just hope she doesn't do something stupid to try and cover this incident up. People in her position can be easily manipulated and with the cousin's STBXH holding alot of the cards, she could make a huge mistake even bigger.
None of us can hold her hand... Probably for the first time she has to make an adult decision. Basing on what she initially posted she may have been trying find a sliver hope that this would just go away or as you suggest find a way to cover it up.

D GEE, I hope you are still listening. We don't know the totality of your life but you need to come clean. I will be honest I hope your marriage can survive, but the road ahead will be very very hard.
 

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My guess is you're trying to calculate the chances this guy will actually tell your husband.

Well, he's got a drinking problem, is abusive, pissed off, and sees you as a potential roadblock to reconciling with his wife. Not a good combination.

The fact this was 15 years ago will likely not soften the blow to your husband. He's going to spend a great deal of time wondering how many other times you'd done this, as well as feeling like a total chump for the past 15 years for not knowing, being lied to, and devoting himself to a woman he did not know.

I couldn't imagine what the chances are he'd forgive you, but I imagine they're considerably less if he finds out from someone else.
 

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Maybe you can reverse blackmail the guy.

Tell him if he tells hubby you call the cops on him for being abusive to you and your friend and you'll throw in extra stuff that he supposedly did when he was tearing up the house including possibly sexually assaulting you.

This is war, and you can't pull any punches.
 

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How likely that your husband will run into Eric in the future?

How long have you been married?

Any kids? If so, what ages?

How happy would you say your husband is with you at this point in time?

How was your sex life with him back when you cheated? How about now?

Has your husband ever questioned your fidelity?

Did you continue to go out "dancing" with your cousing Toni after that incident?

Any other skeletons in your closet?
 

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Maybe you can reverse blackmail the guy.

Tell him if he tells hubby you call the cops on him for being abusive to you and your friend and you'll throw in extra stuff that he supposedly did when he was tearing up the house including possibly sexually assaulting you.

This is war, and you can't pull any punches.
Wow, trying to blackmail an alcoholic. You're not going to win that battle. Plus making things up, how about telling the truth.

Purger myself to save my own ass, great idea. Maybe even get a short trip in jail and alot of time doing community service. Then comes the lawsuit for defamation of character. Oh, her husband will like that alot, now he's going to have to pay $$ to an alcoholic for a lie on top of the infidelity.

Great advice.

Stick to the truth.
 

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Or, just keep quiet and if hubby says "Some guy called and told me that you did two guys in a threesome 15 years ago!" you could say "I told you about this and we agreed to just forget about it" and hope that he buys it.
 

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Maybe you can reverse blackmail the guy.

Tell him if he tells hubby you call the cops on him for being abusive to you and your friend and you'll throw in extra stuff that he supposedly did when he was tearing up the house including possibly sexually assaulting you.

This is war, and you can't pull any punches.
Woman who file false rape are worse than scum. They deny credibility to original rape victims. You should be ashamed to suggest this.
 
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