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Okay, so I've been married for almost eight years and my Wife and I are on the verge of divorce. One of our major issues is our parenting style. I believe that spanking is necessary, while she wants to baby her. For instance our Daughter(5 yrs) has a habit of not responding/ignoring us(mainly me) until I either get in her face or physically force her to listen and do as I say. My Wifes response to this is to stop me and yell at me in front of our Daughter. I believe this is counter-productive and only hurts the situation. I've talked to her about this and I've repeatedly said "If we can meet some where in the middle and tackle our daughters behavior issues it would improve our relationship". The problem is she doesn't want to budge.
My other issues are that I literally do everything around the house...cleaning, dishes, dinner, laundry, mowing, etc. I've asked her repeatedly to help me and she usually gives me a excuse as to why she can't or couldn't do anything. I understand that she works midnights but, I don't think asking her to throw her laundry in a basket or making sure her dishes end up in the sink is asking a lot.

I know that you are only hearing one side of the story, but I really need help with how to deal/cope with this. If you need more details please ask and I will respond when I can. Thank you so much.
 

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One of our major issues is our parenting style. I believe that spanking is necessary,
Wrong.

Physical abuse is never justified.

In some areas you could actually be arrested for neglect and you could lose access to your children for hitting them.
 

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My other issues are that I literally do everything around the house...cleaning, dishes, dinner, laundry, mowing, etc. I've asked her repeatedly to help me and she usually gives me a excuse as to why she can't or couldn't do anything. I understand that she works midnights but, I don't think asking her to throw her laundry in a basket or making sure her dishes end up in the sink is asking a lot.
That blows. So she's just lazy?

If you don't do the dishes or the laundry would it just pile up?

Maybe just wash your own clothing.
 

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Yeah, if I didn't do dishes or laundry she would just leave it for me to do. I've tried just doing my dishes and laundry and she doesn't seem to care until she has run out of clothing and then she will complain until I can't take it anymore and do it anyways.
 

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You might want to check on spanking with the laws in your state. Its changed a lot in the last 10 years. I've read it and it explicitly says what is a spank and what is abuse. I personally don't think that spanking your child is wrong as long as it is not physical abuse or excessive. There are also many ways to not spank but get your message across to the child. You may want to consider taking some classes together with your wife.

Secondly, yes you two need to be on the same page. Unfortunately I only wanted kids but never had any. Stick around though there are many here that can help.
 

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Yeah, if I didn't do dishes or laundry she would just leave it for me to do. I've tried just doing my dishes and laundry and she doesn't seem to care until she has run out of clothing and then she will complain until I can't take it anymore and do it anyways.
Well then as I see it you have two choices.

Do the chores or learn to deal with her complaining that you don't do them.

There are deeper issues here than a pile of dirty clothes and dishes.

What reasons (or "excuses") does she give that seems to justify you doing all of the chores and her doing none?

Including work hours, commuting, and child care are your responsibilities about evenly divided?

If not, and she has less free time, well then maybe she's got a point.

If so, does she suffer from any medical conditions that prevent her from doing her fair share of the household responsibilities?

Was she always like this or was it a sudden change?
 

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What reasons (or "excuses") does she give that seems to justify you doing all of the chores and her doing none?

Including work hours, commuting, and child care are your responsibilities about evenly divided?

If not, and she has less free time, well then maybe she's got a point.

If so, does she suffer from any medical conditions that prevent her from doing her fair share of the household responsibilities?

Was she always like this or was it a sudden change?
Like I said she works midnight. But on the nights she work all I ask is that she pick up after herself. On her days off I'll ask her to straighten up the house or do the dishes. But when I come home from school/work none of it is done and she will come up with an excuse as to why it could not be done. So then I will end up doing it when I get done while she sits on her butt and ask if I'm mad.
She doesn't have any physical ailments and i believe we split child care about 60/40, 40 being me. As I said though I'm busy with the chores around the house.
In the first few years she helped a lot but in the last four years she has been this way.
 

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I don't know what "works midnights" means in terms of total number of hours.

Can't this be something you discuss in counseling and have a qualified 3rd party discuss a possible compromise in your parenting styles and chore resolution?

Divorce seems to be a rather extreme solution to what appears to be (relative to your typical marriage with cheating, and mental problems, and financial disparities to name a few), not such a major issue.
 

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We have gone to a marriage counselor, we got to the second session and the counselor started to agree with me on almost everything. After that my wife didn't want to go anymore.

I know that divorce is extreme but, I have been trying to work on this for a long time and she has not budged. It's frustrating and it's wearing me out mentally and physically. I feel like she is my enemy and I'm at war with her everyday. I don't feel any love, attraction to her anymore.I Dread coming home, because I know shes there.

I want to love her and enjoy being with her but, it's just starting to become useless to try anymore. I'm afraid its going to take putting divorce papers in front of her for her to realize how serious I am.
 

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We have gone to a marriage counselor, we got to the second session and the counselor started to agree with me on almost everything. After that my wife didn't want to go anymore.
Lousy counselor.

Good therapists don't take sides because, well, one partner will feel like they are being ganged up on and bullied. They try to strike a balance, provide coping strategies, and give each partner the ability to come up with a workable solution. They don't say "He's right and she's wrong!".

I'm afraid its going to take putting divorce papers in front of her for her to realize how serious I am.
Are you trying to coerce her into changing her ways by threatening divorce?

That probably won't work. Even if it does, she'll resent you for forcing her to do something she doesn't feel is right.
 

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Divorce seems to be a rather extreme solution to what appears to be (relative to your typical marriage with cheating, and mental problems, and financial disparities to name a few), not such a major issue.
With all due respect, I call nonsense. Of course strangers can't really determine the other side on this... The description pf his wife sounds so PD, it's not even funny. Aside from how a child should be disciplined, no here knows if his spanks are light or abusive... But the wife sounds bat**** insane without a doubt. Good luck OP.
 

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I mean if she is living like that the last few years, that is enough go drive a marriage to cheating and divorce. That's how the down hill starts IMO. Unless she was always like this (suspect PD), maybe majorly depressed. But she won't clean up after herself at the minimium? Get help, or get out.
 

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With all due respect, I call nonsense. Of course strangers can't really determine the other side on this... The description pf his wife sounds so PD, it's not even funny. Aside from how a child should be disciplined, no here knows if his spanks are light or abusive... But the wife sounds bat**** insane without a doubt. Good luck OP.
I've heard a lot worse. It seems like whenever a person posts about their partner's behavior and habits, it paints a picture of insanity. I'm sure that's how it appears from their perspective, but I'm not so quick to label the person 'certifiable'. And I've certainly read a lot worse.

This could just be a situation where the poor woman works all night long and she's just very tired, whereas he's got a more regular work schedule and he's more able to keep up with things around the house. He already suggested he's got the easier load.

As far as the child care goes, I get why she doesn't want to see her child getting hit, if she's against physical violence that could push her right over the edge.

I'm not saying she's not crazy, I'm just saying I don't think this situation is unfixable.

There's no perfect marriage out there. This one seems to have less problems than most, that's all.
 

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I hope I can change your mind about spanking. I am 50 years old and the main means of controlling the behavior of a child when I was small was thru spanking. I do not hold this against my parents but I chose a different way to discipline my children.

Read what spanking can do to a child. There are other methods. Perhaps your wife feels she is protecting her daughter from what she might consider abuse and that is why you see the Babying that you mentioned.

As far as the dishes and all.....would your wife do well with an agreement of some sort? She is responsible for a certain choir and you are responsible for something else? I think sometimes when one thinks the other is going to take care of the situation and neither wants the responsibility is when there become conflict.

I do not like to do dishes and get real tired of cooking. Our agreement here is that if I cook my husband washes dishes and vise versa. Because I really do not like to wash dishes I normally cook and it seems to work well. When all the kids were home and we had to wash clothes twice a week, I did the mid week laundry and husband did the weekend laundry, also worked well.
 

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If you do not want to do all the housework then do only what is essential for you and your daughter. Leave your wife to look after her things. If she does not then she lives with the consequences.

I have three daughters, only ever spanked one of them once. Even though I was sorely provoked, I have regretted doing it ever since. There are other ways you can discipline children, especially, I think, girls - but then I never had sons!
 

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I'm not a parent yet, but I'd suggest you and your wife to maybe find some local classes or study materials like books on child education. You can learn alternate ways to educate your daughter; while your wife also needs to learn better methods for your daughter, as using positive reinforcement and motivation methods doesn't mean being permissive and just ignore the bad behavior.

As for house chores, if you think that the overall responsibilities and free time from both sides aren't balanced, then your wife needs to listen. You need to explain it to her in a calm manner, better focusing on expressing how you feel than pointing fingers right away as it creates much less receptivity. If she doesn't listen, then you might need to endure the mess and not give up and end up doing yourself, coz the more you allow her, the more she, like many humans, would continue not trying hard since there are no big consequences anyways. If the mess is too much, maybe even move out of the house for a while with your daughter, if possible. If you are pondering about divorce, which is an extreme decision, then this kind of less extreme decision should be affordable to try.
 

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You both need to start watching episodes of SuperNanny. There's parenting in the MIDDLE of what you each believe that works much better than what either of you want to do.
 

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If my husband spanked our son, he would be my enemy. I would move to protect my son over my grown adult husband. He spanked our son once and I told him the meanest, most low-down, low-blow thing I have ever told him. It was also truthful. We have since moved into agreement on discipline, at least as far as I can tell. My DH might have different opinions on it if our currents methods fail, but so far they haven't (our son is 3.)

If your wife is like me, your spanking her daughter when she strongly doesn't believe it in would cause ENORMOUS problems. If you KNOW she doesn't agree with it as a method of discipline and you do it anyway, you are digging your own grave as far as I am concerned. It's not just a simple thing to disagree over, like where to go to dinner or who should do the dishes.

BTW if your 5 y/o daughter will ONLY listen to YOU (or "mainly" you) when you get aggressive or in her face, then that should be a loud signal to you that your methods aren't working.

What you are doing now, whatever it is or isn't, isn't working. I see that you know that, because you've asked for help. That is great! Just know that it isn't only your wife's fault (it never is.)

My usual recommend stands here. Check out His Needs, Her Needs, and the Policy of Joint Agreement. They will help with both discipline and household chores. Start there, and good luck!
 
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