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I pride myself on being a strong woman, but I feel confused because I am now confident that I am married to a verbal abuser. How could I have allowed this to go on? Do I have the strength to end a 5 year marriage? Can I fix it? I feel so embarrassed by this whole situation that I have not really been able to talk to anyone. They are going to judge me very harshly, and worse yet if were able to work it out, if he does realize and stops being so mean they would not be able to forgive him. I don’t know who else to turn to…

He has some of the classic signs of a verbal abuser but it has taken me some time give it a title, I guess at the end of the day I think he has an anger problem, but he loves me. We have not been able to go to the counselor for a lot of different reasons, but the latest is that he is too busy. He is a engineering graduate student and a Teaching Assistant, he started off the semester badly and now is too busy to do absolutely anything.

It was about 5:30 pm, he had a class at 7:00, I walked up and gave him a hug, instead of hugging me back he took hold of my wrists and started pushing me away. This is not the first time he’s done this, it is a regular argument. His justification is normally that is too tired or upset about something. This time he said it was because he didn’t have time. “For a 5 minute hug?” I said, “really 30 seconds because it is impossible to stand and hug for 5 minutes.” He said it didn’t matter 5 minute was very important and he was too busy for mushy stuff. We had a an argument over how stupid I thought that answer was, then he left at 7:00 with me sitting on the couch. He gets his books, opens and closes the door and without saying anything to me, no good bye, nothing, he leaves.

When he got back he explained (in a calm way) that the reason he did not want to hug me was because he is angry all the time, he is not is the mood mainly because argue too much. (the last real argument was at least 2 weeks ago, I have really been trying to avoid argumentative situations) He brings up a lot of examples such as the fact that I bounced our checking account by accident about 6 months ago and an argument over choosing a restaurant with my family over Thanksgiving, a GMAT class I paid for that I was not able to attend a year ago and other old issues. He said he realized the issues were not that big but the things I screw up on affect him and he can’t help it (he is an irrationality angry person, so him holding on to things was not that surprising). He then said he was also really turned off by the fact that I have gained too much weight since we met 6 years ago, I am 240 pounds now, and that is a big turn off. (I have been working on it, but not in the past month)

At the end of the conversation he said “ I guess I don’t love you as much as I use to, as I did when we first met.”

This was really hurtful, and as the day goes on the hurt grows. I am at the point where I don’t know if his feelings are justified. His response to the shocked look on my face was “are you telling me you don’t love me at a little less?” At the end of the conversation I went to bed with tears in my eyes 5 minutes later he came up and started to hug on me, saying he felt better that he got it all out in the open and loved me. I didn’t want to lay next to him, but I just didn’t have the strength to argue anymore.

Is that a valid way to feel? does your love for your spouse decrease over time? And if he genuinely feels that way is that something we should be able to talk about? How would you feel and react in that situation? Please keep in mind this is a 5 year marriage, and our lives, and career goals are all twisted around each other. Do you think marriage counseling or anger management would help?

I feel that my brain is all twisted around and I don’t even know what to think or feel anymore.
 

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Is that a valid way to feel? does your love for your spouse decrease over time? And if he genuinely feels that way is that something we should be able to talk about?
Its common for people to fall out of love for each other.

Unfortunately it's much less common for that to change once it starts happening and all the counseling and talking in the world isn't going to help.

I suggest that you stop being so accessible to him. The harder he's gotta work to "get you" the more value he'll give it. But if you're always there always with the hugs and affection and he's the one pulling away, the balance in the relationship is shifted and you're the doormat.

Oh and ignore the post above if it hasn't been deleted and the poster banned that's just a stupid spammer who thinks people are actually going to click those links about magic spells saving marriages. The post was probably made by a "bot" or in other words an automated software program that goes around advertising websites on internet forums.
 

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Try not to be as needy for his approval or for him to be happy. Decide what you really want and need to be happy and start to do things to make that happen.
If you don't need him to make you happy you will be much more attractive to him and he will probably start to realize he needs to treat you better. If he doesn't then at least you will feel better about yourself and will be in a better position to make the right decision for your future.
 
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