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I have an issue and don’t know how to handle it. My wife and I have been married over 2 years and we get along great. In July she found out her ex boyfriend right before me died of an overdose. Since then it has felt she isn’t “all in” in our marriage. Sex became blah and not as frequent. Romantic things like touching, holding hands and kissing is mostly gone. I have a powerful gift of discernment and I can sense when things are not right so I’ve been sad and down for the last few weeks. She asked yesterday why I was down. She left for work and I found a message to her ex boyfriend after he died about how she was sorry she left him and if they would have stayed together they would be married. That message was in July after she found out about his death. Then the next message was 2 days ago saying she misses him. I’m not sure what is going on and haven’t been able to ask her yet. I’m not sure if I should feel as hurt about this as I do. I am looking for tHe best way to handle it and approach it. Thanks
 

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Whatever she's thinking, it's not rational. He died of an overdose. She clearly dogged a bullet by staying with him. But she is romanticizing him?

I have mixed feelings about this. I can understand why this is bothering you. She's married to you. She love you. But she's writing letters to a dead drug addict lamenting his death. It must make you feel pretty lousy.

But, the reason I have mixed feelings is that I had something similar happen to me. I was married to a guy who I left/divorced for good reasons. We dated for 3 years and were married for 3 before i divorced him. A few years later he killed himself. I only found out about his death because i ran into one of his cousins who told me. She gave me no details, such as how he killed himself. I had not thought about him in years. I did not care about him. But after finding out about his death, I could not sleep for a couple of days. My head was on auto pilot going through my relationship with him. I just could not turn it off. In retrospect, I think this was my minds way of putting him what my relationship with him meant to my life as a whole in perspective.

I think you need to talk to her and let her. Let her talk about his death and what's going on in her head. And tell her how it makes you feel to find notes like those she is writing to him. Point out that she is clearly building a fantasy around him that is dangerous to your relationship. Surely she is not really lamenting the loss of a relationship to a drug addict.
 

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I agree with EleGirl's assessment of this situation. I would have a gentle conversation with her about romanticizing a previous relationship now that one of the partners is dead and gone. I would recommend that the two of you seek out a therapist and tackle this together. What she is likely feeling is guilt, in that had she remained in a relationship with him, instead of saving herself, she would have been able to fend off the overdose. That is irrational and needs to be addressed in therapy.

The unfortunate thing is that she has regressed in your relationship, and that is causing friction. I believe that the prudent course of action would be first to discuss this rationally and openly, in relation to your marriage and her feelings of whatever, remorse, regret and guilt that comes from her ex's death, then to schedule counseling so that she can deal with this effectively.
 

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This has been going on for 2 months, correct? I understand she is hurting and you want to support her BUT you are her husband and you should come first. You should also have enough self worth to not tolerate this behavior. I'd personally just tell her the truth. Say you found her e-mails to the dead boyfriend, you were deeply hurt by them, and you want her to leave because she's not behaving in a way you expect from your wife. Then leave it up to her to try to salvage your relationship through counseling (or whatever), if the relationship still has meaning to her. Then you don't do anything other than observe her actions and decide based on her actions if you want to stay married to her.

Notice my signature. I said that to my former wife and meant it.
 

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My opinion is similar. She's romanticizing him, and may feel guilty, and a non-rational "if only I'd done this/that" syndrome. Not unusual, if she did have feelings for him at that time in her life.

One of my college roommates killed himself after I graduated and he was still finishing up his classes. We had grown some close, as only roommates can. When I first found out I had a few albeit just for a short time, thoughts of what ifs. I realized that wasn't a real thing, if he was going to do it, it would be narcissistic of me to think I had the over all ability to change all things. Imho.

Talk to her about it. Help her grieve a bit perhaps but help her move on.

We move on by being thankful and grateful for people and certain things in our lives. Help her move past what she's feeling by focusing on the present.

Good wishes.
 

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A few years ago when I started dating again I was occasionally having nights out with a woman who worked in a local supermarket. We would meet for drinks or a meal but it never went any further,I was interested in moving forward and she seemed to agree but nothing happened. We broke up but still chatted and one day she asked me to fix her lights,I am an electrician.Up until then I had never been in her home and when I got there I saw dozens of photographs of some young man on the walls. It was her first boyfriend who was killed in the troubles in Northern Ireland.
She had never let him go in her mind. A friend gave me this advice,you can compete with any man except a dead one.
 

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Goodman,

I agree with many here, you can't fight with the past...you will always fall short because they have created shrine in their mind, therefore i would confront her with her and just tell her that you intend to find someone who wants you for the man you are and then tell her that soon enough you will become her past.
 

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I see this differently......

She wrote those notes, assuming he would/could read them.
She sees death differently than most people.

She may believe that the dead can walk among the living, that they look in on the living, from time to time.
By taking the effort to write out her true feelings she hoped that he would know this, after the fact.

She likely will visit his grave and talk to him. Unless, of course, he was cremated.

This was her way of ridding herself of some guilt. She truly loved him.
She regrets abandoning him.

I would keep a close eye on her.

........................................................................

Are you sure she was not 'still' seeing him or communicating with him, while married to you?

Somehow her happiness depended on his state of being. When he died, so did a part of her.

I sense a strong unbroken link between the two.

.........................................................................................................

Her reasoning mind dumped him, not her loving heart.

If she left those notes haphazardly, knowing you might find them, is not a good omen.

Watch her closely.
 

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She left for work and I found a message to her ex boyfriend after he died about how she was sorry she left him and if they would have stayed together they would be married. That message was in July after she found out about his death. Then the next message was 2 days ago saying she misses him.
She may be blaming herself for what happened and/or she could be depressed and she is thinking about reuniting with him by overdosing herself.

If I were you I would preemptively get rid of any pills in the house that she could use for an overdose.

Then try and find something to engage your wife by asking for her help with something and be rather grateful to her for anything she does. Work on her confidence and avoid complaining. Perhaps claim you are having issues and need therapy. Ask if she will go with you.

Regards,
Badsanta
 

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Bad Santa nailed it.

Look, you can go two ways. You can go all pseudo-alpha RedPill Napolean complex.

Or you can be open and honest but still human, compassionate, and an actual man.

Choose the latter. You dont have to be a chest thumping jackass to have boundaries.
 

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Yah, her words say that he was her 'real love'.

Not good. Not good at all.

I'm not sure I would do anything drastic yet like telling her to leave or saying youre done with her yet.

But I would be pretty pissed.

If it were me? I guess I would wait and see if she comes to her senses.
I would give it more time. Two months is not a real long time. Patience is a virtue.
I would just wait. And at some point I would confront her with the goods and then detach if her behavior continues.

Like bannanapeel says, don't be second place.
 

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. In July she found out her ex boyfriend right before me died of an overdose. Since then it has felt she isn’t “all in” in our marriage. Sex became blah and not as frequent. Romantic things like touching, holding hands and kissing is mostly gone.
Grieving over someone [now dead] yet 'once' loved in your past is OK.
It shows that guilt, empathy and love 'exist' in her.

It shows that these good qualites are present in her.

Her, showing you coldness is what bothers me.

Chalk it off to her being depressed.

Nevertheless, and I repeat, watch her carefully.

Competing with a memory, competing with a known ghost is preferable to competing with a living "What if?".

What if he had straightened himself out?
What if he had turned his life around?
What if after these improvements, he came sniffing, snooping around your back door?
 

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Love that melts quickly is hoar frost.
Not real ice, not crystallized.

Her love does not melt quickly.
It is real, hardly fleeting.

The Typist I-

.....................................................................................................................................................................

And when the dew that lay was gone up, behold, upon the face of the wilderness there lay a small round thing, as small as the hoar frost on the ground.
Job 6:16

But they that fear the hoarfrost, the snow shall fall upon them.
Job 38:29

From whose belly came forth the ice? And the hoar-frost of the heavens, Who hath begotten it?
Psalm 147:16

He giveth snow like wool: he scattereth the hoarfrost like ashes.
Psalm 147:16
 

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Bad Santa nailed it.

Look, you can go two ways. You can go all pseudo-alpha RedPill Napolean complex.

Or you can be open and honest but still human, compassionate, and an actual man.

Choose the latter. You dont have to be a chest thumping jackass to have boundaries.
You know I think this is a little harsh to an extent. There are a lot of things that we don't know.

1) Were they actually still seeing each other at some level, or had seen each other during the marriage?
2) Is OP actually #2, it sure seems like it.
3) Why did she even marry him, oh yeah, he was a nice guy.

I agree that they need to talk, with out a doubt. And it needs to be calm and caring, but hey, if you don't love me then I am out.

You see that don't you, you cannot compete against a dead man...
 

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I see this differently......

She wrote those notes, assuming he would/could read them.
She sees death differently than most people.

She may believe that the dead can walk among the living, that they look in on the living, from time to time.
By taking the effort to write out her true feelings she hoped that he would know this, after the fact.

She likely will visit his grave and talk to him. Unless, of course, he was cremated.

This was her way of ridding herself of some guilt. She truly loved him.
She regrets abandoning him.

I would keep a close eye on her.

........................................................................

Are you sure she was not 'still' seeing him or communicating with him, while married to you?

Somehow her happiness depended on his state of being. When he died, so did a part of her.

I sense a strong unbroken link between the two.

.........................................................................................................

Her reasoning mind dumped him, not her loving heart.

If she left those notes haphazardly, knowing you might find them, is not a good omen.

Watch her closely.
I agree with most of this, except I do not think she left the notes haphazardly knowing he might find them. I think she is so distraught in her grief and so disoriented in romanticizing him that she mistakenly left the notes out, but not purposely.

Death is so final that it has a way of making a person only remember the good times and minimize the bad times, even rewrite history, as a means of healing.

Perhaps at one time, the deceased boyfriend was her "real love" and for whatever reason, she never conveyed that fully to him, so she is conveying it now (even though he is deceased and even though she may not currently still consider him her "true love")

Some women, including me, will journal an ongoing love letter to the man she loves, pouring her heart out to him.

I currently have one such ongoing love letter in the form of a journal to a man I love where I pour my heart out to him.

In this OP's particular case, the man/exboyfriend is no longer living, so perhaps it is therapeutic for her to tell him how she felt about him, especially if she never told him when he was living, or if they broke up with many things left unspoken, unsaid.

This may be her way of finding closure now.

If so, if it helps her find closure and helps her heal from the grief so she can go on with her life with her husband, the OP, is this such a bad thing?

I don't think it is. It may even be healthy.

OP, I would not take it personally. It isn't really about you. It is about your wife grieving. It does not mean she does not love you. She chose you to be her husband. She chose to spend her life with you. Not him.

If she seems cold, cut her a little slack now. Let her grieve. Help her feel safe, loved and accepted in her grief.

I believe your relationship and marriage will grow stronger if you do, if you show her compassion during this difficult time.

And I also believe if you are harsh or insensitive during this difficult time of grief she is experiencing, that cannot be undone.

Help her get through this. It will benefit your marriage, her and you greatly.
 

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She truly loved him.

When he died, so did a part of her.

I sense a strong unbroken link between the two.
Yes, I agree with this.
 

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She is grieving the loss of someone she once loved and may never see again.
My ex-husband died six months ago. We hadn't been together for twelve years but I am still grieving the loss of his friendship and the father of my children...the only other person on earth that loved them the way I do.
We were never going to get back together.
But I loved him a lot at one time and still valued his place in my and my family's life. His death has been hard.

All that being said, I understand your wife to some degree. I also understand your feelings.

Being depressed whilst grieving a significant loss seems....normal to me.

Don't know what advice to give you about your wife other than realize that death is such a final hurt....as you may already know yourself. Her ex is not a threat to you....he is gone from this life for good. This is a season that you can weather together and perhaps end up stronger/better than before.
 

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The TOTGA (The One That Got Away)... there is nothing stronger. You'll never be number one. Now that the TOTGA is dead... oh boy. He's reached god-like status.

Be careful.
 
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