[justaboy]

background: My fiance and I have been together since highschool, we got engaged last year and we have our first baby comming in less than 3 months

5 months ago she went away for job training that lasted 6 weeks, we saw eachother only on weekends. Usually we are "cuddly" and affectionate torwards each other but when she was done with training I notice minor changes. We didn't have sex for 3 weeks. ( which was unusual for us ) and we seemed distant from each other. I asked her what was wrong and she told me she felt that our relationship had gotten boring and she felt more independent now. I expressed that I thought we needed more time together to let our relationship "re-align" since we had been away from eachother.

A couple more weeks pass and things seem to be getting worse. I noticed that she had been on her phone alot talking to one of the girls from her training, later I found out this girl is a lesbian. Well things progressed to the point where she was traveling 4 hours to see this girl virtualy every weekend. So very calmly i asked her if she was a lesbian and if she had fallen in love with this girl. She laughed and said no. A week later she comes home from the girl's house and tells me she doesnt know if shes gay or not.. shes just has a curiousity about the situation. I already knew something was going on at this point. We talked more and she claimed that she doesnt have any sexual interest in girls but she did find her friend attractive. she also let me know about a secret relationship she had with a girl in highschool (non-sexual)

2 weeks ago we decided to take a break becuase I wanted her to fufill this curiosity and focus on things before the baby gets here. I told her if she got in the situation were her emotions told her to sleep with this girl then do it.

Throughout the entire situation ive been extremely understanding but its been starting to get to me lately.

We talk daily and she says she loves me and cant see a future without me but I still see evidence of her interacting with her friend in ways that could be seen as flirtacious.

whenever I bring up the possibility of her being gay she says "thats stupid" or "this is embarrasing, Im not gay."

and now with the baby only a few months away I have alot of concerns about our future. Id like to see my child every day but I dont want to move back into our house if she has feelings for someone else. I guess I feel like im proctecting myself from getting hurt but at the same time I feel like I got the short end of the stick because she pressured me into having a child. What do I do???!?!

 

[SlowlyGettingWiser]

You haven't stated how old either of you are so I'm guessing you're in your early 20s. I guess there is NO POINT in pointing out that you're BOTH too young to be parents! OR that letting yourself be 'pressured' into having a child is PROOF POSITIVE that neither of you are ready to be parents!

1.) Be VERY careful not to get this young lady pregnant again; neither of you are ready for it.

2.) Your fiancee MAY be bi-sexual or she may just be bi-curious; hard to say at this point.

3.) WHY are YOU being so TOTALLY PASSIVE about this whole situation? Just because it's another woman instead of another man does NOT mean she's not cheating. She IS cheating. She IS being unfaithful. Oh, and need I point out she IS pregnant with YOUR child!

If this was a MAN she had met at training, you'd be all thumping your chest and demanding she CHOOSE...HIM or ME! But, because it's a WOMAN you seem to be thrown for a loop! Is it because you don't see this lesbian woman as COMPETITION...because SHE IS!

4.) You two need to end your engagement NOW. Your fiancee isn't even sure if she's straight or she's gay or she's bi; so WHY THE BIG RUSH to get married? And what was the big rush to have a baby all about (considering how young you are)?

You BOTH need to date other people. Never having dated anyone else your ENTIRE ADULT LIVES sounds romantic, but it's VERY LIMITING; you have NOTHING against which to compare your relationship. Nothing on which to base your views, feelings, relationship.

If you and fiancee are MEANT to be together, then you'll get together again, and wed, and live happily-ever-after (okay, except for the occasional REALITY that will creep in). BUT, there is NO NEED TO DO IT N-O-W when there is OBVIOUSLY so much confusion and unanswered questions on your fiancee's part.

The former secret relationship with another girl AS WELL AS THIS current relationship makes me think your FIANCEE may very well be a lesbian and is NOT READY to accept this herself. Perhaps THAT was part of the 'rush' to have a baby...to prove she's hetero, and 'normal' and 'just like everyone else'. (I'm not being judgemental here, just acknowledging that it would be difficult to come out as gay in most circumstances.)

You can still be actively involved with your child WITHOUT MARRYING this woman...now, soon, ever, whatever. Don't compound one error (being 'pressured' into having a baby) with another (marrying someone you're not sure about...someone who isn't even sure of her own sexuality MUCH LESS whether you're the person she should make an attempt at FOREVER with.)

Good luck, stay OUT OF THE HOUSE, support your child emotionally, financially, intellectually. Make your child the MOST IMPORTANT relationship for the next 2-3 years. The rest will sort itself out when you realize there is NO IMPERATIVE to marry your baby-mama, you two will get married sometime, down-the-road, someday, IF IT'S RIGHT. If it's not, then it won't really impact the relationship you will have established with your child.

PS: You might also suggest your soon-to-be-ex-fiancee get into individual counseling to sort out her sexuality. It will make HER life, your child's life, and all her future partners' lives MUCH SIMPLER.

 

[Emerald]

I think she is having an EA or PA with this woman, so she is cheating on you. Call of the marriage.

 

[justaboy]

You haven't stated how old either of you are so I'm guessing you're in your early 20s. I guess there is NO POINT in pointing out that you're BOTH too young to be parents! OR that letting yourself be 'pressured' into having a child is PROOF POSITIVE that neither of you are ready to be parents!

1.) Be VERY careful not to get this young lady pregnant again; neither of you are ready for it.

2.) Your fiancee MAY be bi-sexual or she may just be bi-curious; hard to say at this point.

3.) WHY are YOU being so TOTALLY PASSIVE about this whole situation? Just because it's another woman instead of another man does NOT mean she's not cheating. She IS cheating. She IS being unfaithful. Oh, and need I point out she IS pregnant with YOUR child!

If this was a MAN she had met at training, you'd be all thumping your chest and demanding she CHOOSE...HIM or ME! But, because it's a WOMAN you seem to be thrown for a loop! Is it because you don't see this lesbian woman as COMPETITION...because SHE IS!

4.) You two need to end your engagement NOW. Your fiancee isn't even sure if she's straight or she's gay or she's bi; so WHY THE BIG RUSH to get married? And what was the big rush to have a baby all about (considering how young you are)?

You BOTH need to date other people. Never having dated anyone else your ENTIRE ADULT LIVES sounds romantic, but it's VERY LIMITING; you have NOTHING against which to compare your relationship. Nothing on which to base your views, feelings, relationship.

If you and fiancee are MEANT to be together, then you'll get together again, and wed, and live happily-ever-after (okay, except for the occasional REALITY that will creep in). BUT, there is NO NEED TO DO IT N-O-W when there is OBVIOUSLY so much confusion and unanswered questions on your fiancee's part.

The former secret relationship with another girl AS WELL AS THIS current relationship makes me think your FIANCEE may very well be a lesbian and is NOT READY to accept this herself. Perhaps THAT was part of the 'rush' to have a baby...to prove she's hetero, and 'normal' and 'just like everyone else'. (I'm not being judgemental here, just acknowledging that it would be difficult to come out as gay in most circumstances.)

You can still be actively involved with your child WITHOUT MARRYING this woman...now, soon, ever, whatever. Don't compound one error (being 'pressured' into having a baby) with another (marrying someone you're not sure about...someone who isn't even sure of her own sexuality MUCH LESS whether you're the person she should make an attempt at FOREVER with.)

Good luck, stay OUT OF THE HOUSE, support your child emotionally, financially, intellectually. Make your child the MOST IMPORTANT relationship for the next 2-3 years. The rest will sort itself out when you realize there is NO IMPERATIVE to marry your baby-mama, you two will get married sometime, down-the-road, someday, IF IT'S RIGHT. If it's not, then it won't really impact the relationship you will have established with your child.

PS: You might also suggest your soon-to-be-ex-fiancee get into individual counseling to sort out her sexuality. It will make HER life, your child's life, and all her future partners' lives MUCH SIMPLER.

Thank you, these are all things I have been telling myself. Being in my early 20's I never considered an "EA" as a possibility. She always referred to this girl as a friend, and I'm not one to control another, But when I would ask her to stay home and spend time with me and she would to go anyway. This when I knew I needed to do something. I already told her we were putting off the marriage and I wanted to re-propose to her (when/if things got better and I decide we are ready), but I'm going to offically break off the engagement and ask her to quit wearing the ring, I had already considered this but I didnt want to make an irrational desicion out of anger. I understand I am young for becoming a parent, but it was a desicion I made and I will do everything I can for my child.