Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 10 of 10 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
5 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I pride myself on being a strong woman, but I feel confused because I am now confident that I am married to a verbal abuser. How could I have allowed this to go on? Do I have the strength to end a 5 year marriage? Can I fix it? I feel so embarrassed by this whole situation that I have not really been able to talk to anyone. They are going to judge me very harshly, and worse yet if were able to work it out, if he does realize and stops being so mean they would not be able to forgive him. I don’t know who else to turn to…

He has some of the classic signs of a verbal abuser but it has taken me some time give it a title, I guess at the end of the day I think he has an anger problem, but he loves me. We have not been able to go to the counselor for a lot of different reasons, but the latest is that he is too busy. He is a engineering graduate student and a Teaching Assistant, he started off the semester badly and now is too busy to do absolutely anything.

It was about 5:30 pm, he had a class at 7:00, I walked up and gave him a hug, instead of hugging me back he took hold of my wrists and started pushing me away. This is not the first time he’s done this, it is a regular argument. His justification is normally that is too tired or upset about something. This time he said it was because he didn’t have time. “For a 5 minute hug?” I said, “really 30 seconds because it is impossible to stand and hug for 5 minutes.” He said it didn’t matter 5 minute was very important and he was too busy for mushy stuff. We had a an argument over how stupid I thought that answer was, then he left at 7:00 with me sitting on the couch. He gets his books, opens and closes the door and without saying anything to me, no good bye, nothing, he leaves.

When he got back he explained (in a calm way) that the reason he did not want to hug me was because he is angry all the time, he is not is the mood mainly because argue too much. (the last real argument was at least 2 weeks ago, I have really been trying to avoid argumentative situations) He brings up a lot of examples such as the fact that I bounced our checking account by accident about 6 months ago and an argument over choosing a restaurant with my family over Thanksgiving, a GMAT class I paid for that I was not able to attend a year ago and other old issues. He said he realized the issues were not that big but the things I screw up on affect him and he can’t help it (he is an irrationality angry person, so him holding on to things was not that surprising). He then said he was also really turned off by the fact that I have gained too much weight since we met 6 years ago, I am 240 pounds now, and that is a big turn off. (I have been working on it, but not in the past month)

At the end of the conversation he said “ I guess I don’t love you as much as I use to, as I did when we first met.”

This was really hurtful, and as the day goes on the hurt grows. I am at the point where I don’t know if his feelings are justified. His response to the shocked look on my face was “are you telling me you don’t love me at a little less?” At the end of the conversation I went to bed with tears in my eyes 5 minutes later he came up and started to hug on me, saying he felt better that he got it all out in the open and loved me. I didn’t want to lay next to him, but I just didn’t have the strength to argue anymore.

Is that a valid way to feel? does your love for your spouse decrease over time? And if he genuinely feels that way is that something we should be able to talk about? How would you feel and react in that situation? Please keep in mind this is a 5 year marriage, and our lives, and career goals are all twisted around each other. Do you think marriage counseling or anger management would help?

I feel that my brain is all twisted around and I don’t even know what to think or feel anymore.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6 Posts
Okay, I have never been married or had a relationship as long, but I just wanted to offer some support.

I am sooooo sorry all this is happening and it must be hard having to hear what he says. As a human being, no body deserves to be treated that way.

I would try marriage counselling and if that didn't work, I think it would be time to find another person because you can't be in a relationship where the other person isn't sure if they love you any more.

Good luck :(
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,887 Posts
Based on these two stories alone I don't know if I'd call him an abuser. I'm not saying he is or is not, I don't know. Your h thinks he's right all the time and he may be controlling. There's got to be more your not telling us? Controlling is part of abuse.

My ex h is an abuser. His words were very harsh daily telling me how worthless I was, I'm nothing, I was lucky to have him, I'm fat(I wasn't), I'm ugly, I'm never good enough, everyone hates me, calling me every curse name in the curse book, always telling me that I'm a *itch/psycho, ect... This was nightly and there's much much more he did in 2 short years. My ex h nearly took my life and my child's one day. He never stopped screaming at me. Even now, I will just hang up that phone. I don't need to listen to his crap anymore or ever again. He always left me stranded taking my car. I had to call my parents to pick me up. He said he was teaching me a lesson.:/. I left, I wasn't putting up with that. Especially since he was always cheating too. My ex h tried to control my every move. When I watched TV, exercise, who I could talk to, ect. He tried to pry me away from my family. I knew the day and the after I married him the extent of what I was getting myself into. His behavior was crazy!! The belittling was endless. I left 18-19 years ago and his behavior worsened. :/. I'm remarried to a wonderful man thankfully.

If you are experiencing verbal abuse, you need to exit the marriage. This is something that is normally not fixable. Who cares how others judge you? If your unhappy in a marriage, you can still divorce. Don't let any man say harsh words and belittle you ever. Do this for yourself and not others. You need to take care of yourself. Don't ever let others push you around either.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,361 Posts
Confused, I understand that you're very hurt right now. Your guy's clearly not being sensitive to your feelings, but I didn't see abusiveness in what you wrote. It could be heading that direction, and his response shows that he knows he could be treating you better.

I think that you have also maybe not been sensitive enough to how he feels. Yes, he's overreacting, but his points are honest and valid. If you don't do something to address them, you will lose your relationship.

You may find it worthwhile to get into some counseling for yourself.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
1,809 Posts
Make a nice little list of all of the things he does and says that are making you feel like you are falling out of love with him. Things that are pushing you away. Hand it to him. Make sure that he KNOWS that if this stuff continues, you will emotionally leave the marriage VERY soon.

WHEN he does zero to change (not if, when), you find the right opportunity to grab that bag you have packed and leave. Pick a moment that will ENGRAIN to him in his mind that there was a DIRECT relationship between how he treated you and the end of your marriage, like after he says or does something particularly mean or angry. Tell him divorce papers will follow.

Now, here's the hard part. You have to be ready to leave him. You will NOT live the rest of your life with a man that treats you this way. So this shock to his system either changes him and you get back together, or it doesn't and you leave him. The only way it can change him is if he thinks he has lost you. You need to keep him scared crapless for a few weeks thinking his marriage is over and it's his fault.

You've told him 100 times how this makes you feel, right? He may say he's sorry, give an excuse, maybe cry a little, but it doesn't change, right? He knows you can't live this way for the rest of your life so if he keeps it up you will leave, right? WRONG!!! He has NO CLUE that this is bothering you as much as it is. You need to show him. You need to shock him.

He brings up a lot of examples such as the fact that I bounced our checking account by accident about 6 months ago and an argument over choosing a restaurant with my family over Thanksgiving, a GMAT class I paid for that I was not able to attend a year ago and other old issues. He said he realized the issues were not that big but the things I screw up on affect him and he can’t help it (he is an irrationality angry person, so him holding on to things was not that surprising).
I was trying to fix what I thought was a 5 year rut in my marriage. I couldn't figure out why it wasn't working. I couldn't figure out why my wife wasn't coming along. Then she said one little thing that crystalized everything. I realized she had fallen out of love with me. She just neglected to tell me (they do that a lot). My rriage is over and it's MY FAULT!!! It shocked my DNA. I changed IMMEDIATELY.

Choosing a bad restaurant? Bouncing a check? Bad scheduling on a GMAT class? NOTHING compared to losing my wife. Oh, she's still gone, but I am a better man for it. NO WAY was I going to let irrational behavior take over EVER AGAIN when it means losing what I've lost. I will never partake in behavior that is so bad my wife stared to hate me because of it.

Thank god my kids still love me. I didn't lose them.

You may already be too far gone. You probably are. You can fix him, but ONE little slip and he's back to sq 1 in your eyes. But it all starts with leaving him.

No kids. Life is in the palm of your hand. I envy you.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
1,809 Posts
This is clearly abuse. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. He's trying to use a position of power to modify your actions. He is using insults and anger to get it done. He's belittling you. This is CLASSIC abuse. Don't stand for it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
561 Posts
He's doing this push-pull thing with your emotions. You hug him. He pushes you away. He then says something hurtful which causes you to retreat with tears in your eyes. Then he comes and tries to hug on you. He leaves to go to class without any comforting words after a fight. I'm not too, too sure I'd call him an abuser (per se) but he is definitely very immature. It's like you are not allowed to tell him how YOU are feeling in order to feel better because all he does is get defensive and starts bringing up crap from the past. But he is allowed to do and say whatever to make HIM feel better; regardless of how you are going to feel. I behaved like that when I was a teenager!

I think you need to take this time and concentrate on you. It sounds as if you may be somewhat co-dependent. Meaning, his feelings are controlling yours. You feed off of him. When he's happy, you are happy. When he's in a bad mood, you are in a bad mood. Stop letting him control your feelings. Start doing things that make you feel good about YOU. If you are unhappy with your weight then go to the gym while he is at school. Pick up a hobby of your very own. Find that strong person you once was. She's in there but just lost right now. Find her!

But I need to ask --- Do you think he may be having a physical or emotional affair? Is he where he says he is? Any unusual texting or computer habits? When my ex-bf started behaving this way with me it was because he met another woman. It seemed like overnight everything I did and said irritated him. He resented my presence. I wonder if that is what is going on here??
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
154 Posts
Does he sound verbally abusive - From your post, I'd say no.
Should I give up - Again, I'd say no.


From your post it sounds more like lack or respect, lack of attraction and thus lack of affection from his side....the verbal abuses might only be a by product of all of this (and obviously the frustrations/stresses he's going through). It sounds like he'd been fighting with a few inner demons and bottling up quite a few issues. Finally venting out the 'I'm not very attracted to you any more' might have calmed him down (I'm not sure).

From your post its not clear how your marriage is and who's right or wrong....but I will say that he was very hurtful in saying these lines

"He did not want to hug me was because he is angry all the time, he is not is the mood mainly because argue too much. (the last real argument was at least 2 weeks ago)

He then said he was also really turned off by the fact that I have gained too much weight since we met 6 years ago, I am 240 pounds now, and that is a big turn off.

I guess I don’t love you as much as I use to, as I did when we first met.”


Now since you are the one who's posted about your marriage problems, its only you we can talk/converse with and advice - so here goes! It's no surprise that most of us yearn for/want an ideal spouse whose 'LOVE' for us would never change - whatever we do, how much ever weight we gain, whatever we become etc. However, in reality its rarely the case. There might be many things he might be doing wrong, but you can only control yourself. Is there something you could possibly do to change yourself, your outlook and your personality?

1) Try and be doubly sure not to overlook things you are responsible for and try to avoid goof-ups. Such slip-ups/incidents may make you appear immature even if you aren't (like the bounced cheque and the failed GMAT class). You can start off by using more organized systems like calenders, reminders, fridge boards etc

2) Have you let yourself go (weight and appearance wise) after marriage? How about revamping your wardrobe? A little make up every now and again? Obviously, losing your weight would be a big boost (even if not for him, for your own health and your esteem).

3) Also, I could be wrong but from your post it seems like you have a few insecurities. If that's the case try and overcome them. For a few weeks - as you're going through these personal changes - try not to be too needy/clingy. Be affectionate if he is - reciprocate when he does...but give him his space...when my husband's stressed from work, he likes his space. He doesn't want me to be too affectionate with him till he's had time to wind-down for the day.

4) Are there any known complaints/resentments he has about you...then try and sort them out. For e.g. is he irked that you don't do the dishes regularly while he's doing other stuff, then try and make it a habit to do it regularly. Again, I'm not saying this is the case - just wondering. You could be having resentments against him too. If so, give him a gentle reminder when you know he's not going to fly off the handle.

5) Stop letting his frustrations/aloofness bother you ...AND make sure he notices the same too by actively going about doing your own stuff when he's not giving you the attention/respect you deserve! Don't ignore him but don't appear like you NEED him/his company - especially when he's not reciprocating your affections the way in which you are his.

5) If you are having temper issues yourself (I read that you've argued occasionally, hence supposing) then learn to control your frustrations by channelling your time into other hobbies/interests. During a flaming argument, I'm not asking you to bite your tongue. Rather, I'm asking you to try and not be affected by it even if he's trying to provoke you. Reflect a cool calm air of confidence (not indifference) whenever he starts off on a verbally abusive episode. If you know what he's doing is wrong, tell him calmly at the end of it and explain why. Don't allow him to treat you badly, but don't give in to his tantrums with extreme reactions either (rage, tears etc).
Sometimes it helps to phrase/rephrase your sentences mentally before you actually say you. I've realized that one comes out sounding very intelligent/wise when they've already had a chance to give the situation a good ponder well beforehand.

At first, he might react negatively to these changes in you. However, he might begin turning around. See if these changes bring a change to his attitude...not only might it benefit your marriage, but will definitely help improve your outlook as an individual...
It will let him know that what he's doing is wrong (hurtful words, lack of affection etc) and at the same time help you tackle issues you might have to be dealing with yourself.
 
1 - 10 of 10 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top