Talk About Marriage banner

21 - 31 of 31 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
7,882 Posts
And thats what im trying to do is to give her time, she even said give her time, i just want to know what to do while im giving her the “time” she wants
Learn how to put your kids' needs ahead of your own. Be that great 'dad' that kids brag about and wives are grateful for.

You're crafting a new marriage - make it one that will benefit everyone. Your wife's feelings weren't destroyed in a day and they won't be recovered in a day.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
13 Posts
Discussion Starter #23
Right now she doesnt want any physical intimacy like holding hands, but she does still allow me to hug her
It's a start. Did you ask you wife what she would like to see from you as far as a change?
Not directly, but she keeps telling that as of right now she doesnt know how to feel, the term just dead inside
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
7,479 Posts
She also mention that she wants a loving environment for the kids, and right now that is her main priority
Right now she doesnt want any physical intimacy like holding hands, but she does still allow me to hug her
If your wife is "allowing" you to hug her, this means the hug is entirely for you and not for her. If her entire issue with you is that you have been self-centered and not caring about her needs, which appears to be the case, you should not be trying to get anything from her. Marriage is supposed to be mutual. Mutual love, support, caring, responsibility, etc. If your marriage has not been mutual, no wonder your wife is upset with you.

The best thing you can do is to sit down and think about what a good man looks like and where you fall short. You need a balance, a mutuality, in your marriage. Don't go the other direction into being the only one doing the work, then you will be unbalanced in another way, which won't work for you or your wife. At this point, don't have expectations of your wife, but understand what you ought to be doing so that you are doing your fair share in the relationship. Ask your wife what she thinks that looks like to get her input as well.

For example, you shouldn't go from doing no laundry to doing all the laundry. But if you haven't been doing any laundry, start now. If you haven't been caring for the children, start now. You don't need to measure exactly half, but you should be doing half of what it takes to keep your home running and meeting your spousal responsibilities. You should be taking care of all your own needs and not expecting someone else to do it. That includes making sure you are taking care of your physical needs like cleaning up after yourself. This may mean participating in making and cleaning up meals, or it may mean that you care for the children while your wife is cooking or visa versa. Do what works for both of you, which means communicating with your wife, so that both of you are having your needs met.

Are you exercising and eating properly? That's all part of personal responsibility. If your wife doesn't have an opportunity for this, you should work together so both of you get the time you need to take care of your personal needs for exercise and so forth. The idea is to work together to accomplish these things.

P.S. I think your wife might be having an affair. You might want to check the thread in surviving infidelity to see if she is doing the things that are listed as red flags.
 

·
Administrator
Joined
·
43,662 Posts
Thank you, im willing to put the time, right now it is still in early, i just miss the intimacy
There are two books that I think would help you quite a bit in restructuring your relationship and rebuilding the passion in your relationship.

"Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs". Read them in that order and do the work that they say to do. Then, once your wife is more receptive ask her to read them too. Then the two of you do the work they say to do together.

Many people have no idea how to nurture their relationship over the long term. These books will teach you and your wife this.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
7,479 Posts
There are two books that I think would help you quite a bit in restructuring your relationship and rebuilding the passion in your relationship.

"Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs". Read them in that order and do the work that they say to do. Then, once your wife is more receptive ask her to read them too. Then the two of you do the work they say to do together.

Many people have no idea how to nurture their relationship over the long term. These books will teach you and your wife this.
I would encourage you to do some reading on what makes a healthy relationship. The books that EleGirl posted are good. It takes two to make a healthy marriage and one person to tear it apart. Don't be the one tearing it apart. You said your wife told you she wants your children to grow up in a loving environment, tell her that you want to work together to make that happen, but it means everyone in the family has to be loving each other in order for that to happen and you are going to find out how to do that, but need her to work with you to make it happen.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
172 Posts
Re: Looking for help, i cant give up on my marriage

Sound like a Hammer Guy.

Anyways. Keep picking ip the slack and stuff and making her life easier.

Then surprise her. Keep your mouth closed, arrange for a sitter and take her out on a date. Enjoy each other.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
19,142 Posts
A few things.
The first is to only focus on what is within your control: yourself. You can be a super dad. You can be the best husband you can be. You can make incremental improvements over a long time that will add up to big change over the long run. Don’t focus on grand gestures or flash in the pan things: these won’t stick and will just reinforce her suspicion that you haven’t actually changed at all. So focus on real, but gradual long term change.
Secondly, let go of her. You can’t ”win” her back. She’s not a prize or a trophy - she makes her own decisions. Be the best you that you can be, and accept her choice. You’re currently desperate and clingy... and that will drive her away. So just let go.
Lastly, I just don’t think living with her mother is a good idea. She lost her husband, she’s going through her own stuff, and this whole dynamic that you and your children are living in has to be having an influence. I think you need to plan to move out and have a family home on your own, even if nearby.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
13 Posts
Discussion Starter #31
A few things.
The first is to only focus on what is within your control: yourself. You can be a super dad. You can be the best husband you can be. You can make incremental improvements over a long time that will add up to big change over the long run. Don’t focus on grand gestures or flash in the pan things: these won’t stick and will just reinforce her suspicion that you haven’t actually changed at all. So focus on real, but gradual long term change.
Secondly, let go of her. You can’t ”win” her back. She’s not a prize or a trophy - she makes her own decisions. Be the best you that you can be, and accept her choice. You’re currently desperate and clingy... and that will drive her away. So just let go.
Lastly, I just don’t think living with her mother is a good idea. She lost her husband, she’s going through her own stuff, and this whole dynamic that you and your children are living in has to be having an influence. I think you need to plan to move out and have a family home on your own, even if nearby.
I totally agree with you
 
21 - 31 of 31 Posts
Top