Talk About Marriage banner

1 - 20 of 31 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
13 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
Looking for help, i cant give up on my marriage

Hi, my name is Angelo, 40 years old from Ontario, Canada. 2 boys, age 6 and 3

Ive been looking around online on anything i can use or advise that i can follow thru yo help change my self for the better and praying that by doing so, save my marriage. All the advice that has been given to me points out to change my self first then things will fall thru. I am looking forward on people’s advice that went thru similar situation or currently going thru it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,574 Posts
Re: Looking for help, i cant give up on my marriage

Welcome.

All of us are growing.... one day at a time. Many of us, including me, made the mistake of looking to other people for the "goal".... be like him, be more like her, etc.

I found the "key" was not in how I "changed myself", rather, it was to set my "goal" on the right person as my example. I made a decision when I was 31, because all of the "growing" I did before that, well, much of it was in the wrong direction.

I chose to place the Lord Jesus Christ as my example, and I chose to "know" Him through the bible, through the words he spoke, through the behavior he exhibited, through what others said about Him.

I began to ignore others as being "examples", and put my trust only in Him and His words for the basis of my life.

This one decision was the turning point in my life. And, as you say, in most of the circumstances I found myself in, throughout the 36 years since, have found me with "WWJD" (what would Jesus do) upon my mind. In EVERY case, where I chose to follow Him, my decision was right.

Icantgiveupyet said:
All the advice that has been given to me points out to change my self first then things will fall thru.
That is partially good advice. The missing element in that advice is that it does not answer the crucial question "....change ?.... to what?..."

I have given you what, for me, was "the rest of the story"....
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
13 Posts
Discussion Starter #3
Im praying that i will get the help i need towards changing myself and my marriage

My wife and i have been married for 7 years, we were together in total of 10 years, 2 young boys, 6 and 3. Just a quick rundown on what led to this.

Our marriage have ups and down, arguments over responsibilities mostly my lack of. I know my wife is the glue that kept our family together, and i only see this when we are on a breaking point. She lost her father last june due to cancer. She is very close to him, but not to her mom. She is grieving and she is broken. We sold our home to move in with her mom. It was hard but beneficial for us as far as child care but very hard.

I was feeling neglected after her father’s passing. We started to argue more and more, and started to shutdown. My tipping point was that when i turned 40, it felt like she didnt make an effort to celebrate it, even though it is a milestone. I used this incident as a reason to be mad at her. Just before Christmas we had a fall out, she wanted some time apart, her mom was upset at me during the argument and somehow we talked it out to stay because of the kids and it us close to christmas. It was good for a bit but i kept shutting down, i was stuck with the issue of her neglecting me, putting everyone else first. We were doing ok up until two weeks when we argued again, i finally told her that this is how i felt about her.

We didnt speak for several days and we decided to talk, every issues came out. She wasnt happy for a long time, i was the one neglecting her, she was the one doing the work raising the kids, and i put very minimal effort. And when she said she was done and she is just dead inside now. I apologized for all the years of pain and suffering i have caused. She said she doesnt if she will ever forgive me.That really broke me. I stayed with my parents for several days. We were using FaceTime just for the kids could see me. Then after 3 days she said i could come back home. Right away i tried the usual change my self routine and do things that i know i have not been doing. Its is just so hard. She said that she has a wall and our current situation made her defensive. Im still trying daily, small stuff like making her breakfast, asking how her day, texting her more, telling her that i love her and i would do anything to bring her old happy self back. She just keep saying that right now, she doesnt know how to feel and that she is dead inside.

Her behaviour towards the kids and other people are still the same but she is just very cold to me. Im just so used getting hug and a kiss on lips, when we wake up or before bed or when we ran each other in the kitchen. Even just holding hands. I missed that kind of intimacy. What we had. Now she is just cold, when i try to reach for her hand she hesitates and i give her a hug i get a cheek for kiss. i told her i want to communicate with her more even to spend just 5 minutes of me and her but she just too hesitant when we do.

She said give it some time. Which i am willing to do. I need some advice on how i can work on my issues to be better, and ways to deal with me trying somewhat save our marriage. Last night I mentioned about marriage counselling or even for me a her. She said she just doesnt know how she feels about it right now.

I need help so i can be on the right track
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
13 Posts
Discussion Starter #4
I know i have issues, which caused the massive build up of resentment, which led to me and my wife being separated emotionally and physically even though we live in the same roof. Our goal is to have what is best for our kids and work with our marriage. I just want a starting to point to better my self and like i said, praying that things will follow thru.

Thank you for your advice and reply
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,574 Posts
Re: Looking for help, i cant give up on my marriage

massive build up of resentment
That's the "starting point" you both need. Start by letting go of the past. Forgive each other. Resolve that both of you are no longer going to do the things which caused resentment in your partner. Start with a "clean slate", and continue with coming together for forgiveness if anything "wrong" gets written on the slate.

I've never read the works of Dr. Willard Harley, but I know he espouses a concept of "love tank". Do things which fill your wife's "love tank".
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,753 Posts
Re: Looking for help, i cant give up on my marriage

But it takes two to make it work, because if your partner doesn't your the floormat, and you only good enough to be stepped on.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
13 Posts
Discussion Starter #7
I am all open for a “clean slate”. I pray constantly that she will allow me to. But right now her wall is up and i just cant get thru. I want to change my self that is causing all these issues for the time being and im hoping that she sees it and start to lower her guard down
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
13 Posts
Discussion Starter #8
See my post that led to my current situation and i hope that someone can give me an insight of how i can somewhat go thru it
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,753 Posts
Re: Looking for help, i cant give up on my marriage

A clean slate, won't happen but going forward and empathy from you and her is a must.

But if you give some examples of what you did to her would really help. Because right now we are only guessing what you did, need more facts and this is a anonymous fourm and we don't know what your thinking.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
13 Posts
Discussion Starter #10
I told her that she put others infront of me, that was the tipping point, before of me saying that to her, i was the one giving her the cold shoulders until she finally just came out and asked if we can be civil and talk about the issues. Once i said that, she broke down and said how i even say that. She put out all the stuff she has done over the years and how i did very little for our family and how much I neglected her and she still did it for us. Only when we took some time apart that i start to realize what a horrible husband i was. No infidelity or domestic abuse ever occurred . Its all the emotional hurt i have caused
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,753 Posts
I don't think she wants to be with you anymore. And is resentful to you. If she was willing it may happen but she's controlling the outcome. She has to want the same but will see you as weak playing the pick me game. Give her what she wants and if time doesn't make her heart fonder for you move on and remember your mistakes as to not repeat them again.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
13 Posts
Discussion Starter #12
And thats what im trying to do is to give her time, she even said give her time, i just want to know what to do while im giving her the “time” she wants
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
12,981 Posts
I know i have issues, which caused the massive build up of resentment, which led to me and my wife being separated emotionally and physically even though we live in the same roof. Our goal is to have what is best for our kids and work with our marriage. I just want a starting to point to better my self and like i said, praying that things will follow thru.

Thank you for your advice and reply
Hard times. Give because it is what you want to do and the right thing to do, not because you want or need anything in return.

Take joy in your children.

Pray if you believe or maybe even if you don't.

Watch the movie Fireproof by yourself. It is Christian but it has some good ideas about winning back the heart of a spouse.

You need to be a good and solid man regardless of others and that includes your wife.

Be a good man because it is what you want.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,753 Posts
And thats what im trying to do is to give her time, she even said give her time, i just want to know what to do while im giving her the “time” she wants
Better yourself, and don't look at it as a chore but a desire.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,233 Posts
See my post that led to my current situation and i hope that someone can give me an insight of how i can somewhat go thru it
Sir, the first thing is you recognize and owned is your 50% of the marriage has been lacking. It is not to say your wife's 50% maybe lacking as well. You both now recognize there is a serious problem.

It will take TIME to turn this around. Remember it took years to get your marriage to where it is. What you wife will be looking for is LASTING change. Not just the flavor of the week change and then back to what you were doing before the marriage finally fell through.

What kind of change? Make you wife first in everything. Treat your marriage is you treated your relationship when you were dating. You should always date your wife. What did you do when dating? Movie, dinner, weekend trips? Keep at it and show lasting changes.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,233 Posts
And thats what im trying to do is to give her time, she even said give her time, i just want to know what to do while im giving her the “time” she wants
You spend your time with lasting positive changes. Your wife will recognize this. What kind of change? Be tentative. My wife wants hand holding, door opened and public display of affection(refer back to hand holding). Did you ask your wife what type of husband she desires?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
13 Posts
Discussion Starter #17
Im doing that now, putting her needs ahead, its just tough because of her feelings of “being dead inside” and when says that i brake down
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,233 Posts
Im doing that now, putting her needs ahead, its just tough because of her feelings of “being dead inside” and when says that i brake down
Sir, I understand. I have been there. My wife was dead inside as well. 20 years of less than great husband I was. I just put my best foot forward and did not stop. If it did not work out for me I can at the very least say I did my very best to turn it around. I can assure you, this will take some time. Do not expect this to turn around in a week.
 
1 - 20 of 31 Posts
Top