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Discussion Starter #1
Hello everyone,

I am 25 years old just got engaged to my fiance (30) about two years ago his parents came from another country to stay with us which they stayed for 6 months, long story short his mother shamelessly and viciously did everything she could to break my fiance and I up. Unfortunately at the time he did not see through her despite my efforts to make him see all the horrible things his mother was doing to me (from speaking ill about me to our close friends to insulting my body, to calling me names to my face) he would not stand up for me and I did not deserve that kind of treatment so I broke up with him and moved out almost immediately after his parents left the country. After a year of him asking for forgiveness and insisting that he made a mistake that he now could see all the wrong his mother did, after going to counselling we mended things with each other, got engaged and moved back together. We are happy, being together feels like home.
The big problem is that his mom is due to come back at some point and because of everything she did to me and all the pain that she caused I cannot stand her, the pure thought of her coming back into our home makes me want to vomit. My fiance on the other hand used to be very closed to her before all of these stuff happened and is looking forward to seeing her which I understand because she is his mom and I get it.
Whenever she calls I get into a horrible mood and what makes it even worst is that she is pushing to come back, she is constantly harassing my fiance that she wants to come back which drive me even more nuts because in my mind I'm thinking you broke our home !! and you have the audacity to want to came back at least wait until we invite you and we are ready to have you back.
The thought of having to see her again makes my insides twist and my fiance knows this i have made it very clear that I highly despite his mother, and I don't know who is in the right or what we should do.
During the time he was trying to get me back I constantly rejected him because of his mother and I said this word by word to his face " I don't think I can be with you because of you mother, I hate her too much." He reassured me that I would be marrying him and not his mother which know I realize is not entirely true. I DO LOVE HIM, me and him we are amazing together we thrive together we are happy. BUT his freaking mom I don't know what to do.
I try I truly try to see past the awful time but I can't, I don't want to see her, I don't want to spend time with her, I don't want to speak to her.
Any advice anyone? I really need it.
 

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Break up with your fiance. Don't look back. He will never not have his mom. Once you are married she may even want to move in and he seems like he is too complacent to tell his mom no.

You may even win this fight but it will be a fight your whole life.

You either have to learn to tolerate her and hope your husband is true to his work (it is waaaay easy to say he backs you when mom isn't there)

If you idiotically wish to continue with this relationship then I'd invite her BEFORE you get married. Test your fiance see if he lets her continue to berate you, put you down, insult you. I would personally run.

If you want to have her come. You should call her and invite her. Use this call to set boundaries, say you'd like to welcome her into you and your fiance's home but that should she feel it necessary to call you names in your home or try to break up your relationship in YOUR home that she will not be able to stay in your home. She will either have to go back home or stay at a hotel at her expense. Of course you need to make sure your fiance is on board.

If he isn't willing to back up his word to you then he won't 5 years from now when he is comfortable and just sure that you won't leave him.

I have to say one more time though the best advice is to run.
 

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Just because she comes to visit does not mean she has to stay in your home.

Let her get a hotel. She can’t afford that? Gee, that’s a shame. She will need to save up for a while, and her visit will have to be much shorter. What a pity....

It’s rude to not have his mother stay with you guys? Well it was beyond rude what all she did when you allowed her to freeload in your home last time. She burned that bridge, and there are consequences.

Stand your ground on this issue with your fiancé. When/if she comes, he can go hang out with her, and can see her minimally on YOUR terms.
 

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Discussion Starter #4
Break up with your fiance. Don't look back. He will never not have his mom. Once you are married she may even want to move in and he seems like he is too complacent to tell his mom no.

You may even win this fight but it will be a fight your whole life.

You either have to learn to tolerate her and hope your husband is true to his work (it is waaaay easy to say he backs you when mom isn't there)

If you idiotically wish to continue with this relationship then I'd invite her BEFORE you get married. Test your fiance see if he lets her continue to berate you, put you down, insult you. I would personally run.

If you want to have her come. You should call her and invite her. Use this call to set boundaries, say you'd like to welcome her into you and your fiance's home but that should she feel it necessary to call you names in your home or try to break up your relationship in YOUR home that she will not be able to stay in your home. She will either have to go back home or stay at a hotel at her expense. Of course you need to make sure your fiance is on board.

If he isn't willing to back up his word to you then he won't 5 years from now when he is comfortable and just sure that you won't leave him.

I have to say one more time though the best advice is to run.
Anastasia I am so heartbroken and literally in tears, because I know you are right. I don't want to leave him but he is also the only son which makes everything even worst. I don't want to do it ):
 

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I had a horrible mother-in-law "MIL". She was horrible for the 5 years we dated before we got married.

When she came to our wedding, she came into the door and was a *****. She insulting the wedding, me, may family, etc. One of my sisters let me know about this.

So I pulled my MIL aside and told her that she was welcome to stay for the wedding and the dinner afterwards. But, if she kept up her bad mouthing I was calling a taxi and having her removed. She could go home and be miserable there.

It worked, she behaved herself the rest of the night.

Unfortunately she did not behaver herself for all the years after we got married.

I don't know what culture your fiancé is from. But in some cultures a daughter-in-law is under the thumb of the MIL.
 

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Just because she comes to visit does not mean she has to stay in your home.

Let her get a hotel. She can’t afford that? Gee, that’s a shame. She will need to save up for a while, and her visit will have to be much shorter. What a pity....

It’s rude to not have his mother stay with you guys? Well it was beyond rude what all she did when you allowed her to freeload in your home last time. She burned that bridge, and there are consequences.

Stand your ground on this issue with your fiancé. When/if she comes, he can go hang out with her, and can see her minimally on YOUR terms.
She comes all the way from IRAN to CANADA money is an issue he is the only son ): he wants to see his parents he did not see the for like 15 years. This is a whole emotional circus.
 

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She comes all the way from IRAN to CANADA money is an issue he is the only son ): he wants to see his parents he did not see the for like 15 years. This is a whole emotional circus.
She is from Iran.

Is your fiancé and his mother Muslim? Are you Muslim?

She is most likely very traditional regardless of her religion. Is she perhaps shocked that he's living with you before marriage?
 

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Discussion Starter #8
I had a horrible mother-in-law "MIL". She was horrible for the 5 years we dated before we got married.

When she came to our wedding, she came into the door and was a *. She insulting the wedding, me, may family, etc. One of my sisters let me know about this.

So I pulled my MIL aside and told her that she was welcome to stay for the wedding and the dinner afterwards. But, if she kept up her bad mouthing I was calling a taxi and having her removed. She could go home and be miserable there.

It worked, she behaved herself the rest of the night.

Unfortunately she did not behaver herself for all the years after we got married.

I don't know what culture your fiancé is from. But in some cultures a daughter-in-law is under the thumb of the MIL.
His mom is Turkish,
 

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She is from Iran.

Is your fiancé and his mother Muslim? Are you Muslim?

She is most likely very traditional regardless of her religion. Is she perhaps shocked that he's living with you before marriage?
She is muslim but doesnt really practice, my fiance says he doesn't have religion he just believes in god type of thing. He had been married/divorced before she knew about my fiance and I living together since the beginning 4 years we lived together with them knowing before they came to stay. I am Mexican by the way.
 

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His mom is Turkish,
Not all that different.

Is she upset about you living with him while you are no married?

I'm from a very traditional background. So I'm just thinking about how they would have reacted.
 

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She is muslim but doesnt really practice, my fiance says he doesn't have religion he just believes in god type of thing. He had been married/divorced before she knew about my fiance and I living together since the beginning 4 years we lived together with them knowing before they came to stay. I am Mexican by the way.
Has she made any remarks about you living with him or that you are not Muslim?

Do you have any idea how she treated his ex-wife?

I'm not asking to be harsh with you, it's just that I know how some cultures are.
 

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Not all that different.

Is she upset about you living with him while you are no married?

I'm from a very traditional background. So I'm just thinking about how they would have reacted.
They knew (both his mom and dad) that we were living together from the beginning of the time that means 4 years before they came to visit ( I brought them here to see their son by the way). My fiance had a failed marriage before me and they did not seem to have issues with me, they knew I am not iranian that I was mexican and there were no issues there. Everything began with his mom about 3 months in after they arrived she went freaking nuts.
 

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They knew (both his mom and dad) that we were living together from the beginning of the time that means 4 years before they came to visit ( I brought them here to see their son by the way). My fiance had a failed marriage before me and they did not seem to have issues with me, they knew I am not iranian that I was mexican and there were no issues there. Everything began with his mom about 3 months in after they arrived she went freaking nuts.
Hm... I wonder what got her upset after 3 months. Do you have any idea?
 

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Has she made any remarks about you living with him or that you are not Muslim?

Do you have any idea how she treated his ex-wife?

I'm not asking to be harsh with you, it's just that I know how some cultures are.
Thats completely fine I need help, Not that I know of but then I feel like my fiance does not tell me what she says to avoid any further tension between me and her, because on top of everything she does not speak English. She never met his ex-wife who was Caucasian (idk if that matters).
My fiance and her were very close like unhealthy close and I understand thats the reason why she is so nasty to me because she "lost" her baby boy and does not have him all to herself anymore, the huge problem here is that I DESPITE her and is causing problems between me and my fiance, because he wants to see his mom but the only way that can happen is if she stays with us because of money and such but I cannot tolerate her at all!!
 

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Hm... I wonder what got her upset after 3 months. Do you have any idea?
I think its because my fiance started paying more attention to me, the whole my mom and dad are here emotion started to fade and he started to miss me. I was giving them space to spend time with each other so I was often kind of in the background, but once he came back to me hell broke loose.
Also at the time I started a very demanding job that left me absolutely exhausted, I was walking about 19000 steps in an 8 hour shift ( i am a nurse) and often i would come home and sleep which she translated as lazy and was not taking care of her of her 30 year old baby.
 

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I have been in your shoes...it took 10 years for things to finally get better and we have only been married for 11 years. Do you really want to be in that situation? If he is unable to cut the cord, then there is no hope. The only reason why things got better for me was due to the fact that I stood my ground but it took 10 years of my life. Looking back, my husband and I had so many issues and his attachment to his mom just escalated things. There is nothing worst then not having your spouse standing up for you. You are always in second place when it comes to his mother. If I could do it again, I probably would run fast. It is not worth it. I ended up getting sick due to the stress because of my mother in law and my husband didn't care. To him, his mom was perfect.
 

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I think its because my fiance started paying more attention to me, the whole my mom and dad are here emotion started to fade and he started to miss me. I was giving them space to spend time with each other so I was often kind of in the background, but once he came back to me hell broke loose.
Also at the time I started a very demanding job that left me absolutely exhausted, I was walking about 19000 steps in an 8 hour shift ( i am a nurse) and often i would come home and sleep which she translated as lazy and was not taking care of her of her 30 year old baby.
Lazy? Hardly. Yea my ex-MIL had the same things to say about me. I was working as software engineer/project manage and putting him through medical school. But I was lazy and not taking care of her baby boy. LOL She lived about a 4 minute drive from us. It was not good.

It does sound like a jealousy thing. And there is the expectation how her baby boy should be treated.

I can only imagine how she will treat you if you have kids with her son.

Unless your fiancé is willing to read her the riot act and keep her from harassing you, I don't see it changing. Having to live with her for months is not acceptable.

Are you considering ending your relationship?
 

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I have been in your shoes...it took 10 years for things to finally get better and we have only been married for 11 years. Do you really want to be in that situation? If he is unable to cut the cord, then there is no hope. The only reason why things got better for me was due to the fact that I stood my ground but it took 10 years of my life. Looking back, my husband and I had so many issues and his attachment to his mom just escalated things. There is nothing worst then not having your spouse standing up for you. You are always in second place when it comes to his mother. If I could do it again, I probably would run fast. It is not worth it. I ended up getting sick due to the stress because of my mother in law and my husband didn't care. To him, his mom was perfect.
10 years is a long time.
Lazy? Hardly. Yea my ex-MIL had the same things to say about me. I was working as software engineer/project manage and putting him through medical school. But I was lazy and not taking care of her baby boy. LOL She lived about a 4 minute drive from us. It was not good.

It does sound like a jealousy thing. And there is the expectation how her baby boy should be treated.

I can only imagine how she will treat you if you have kids with her son.

Unless your fiancé is willing to read her the riot act and keep her from harassing you, I don't see it changing. Having to live with her for months is not acceptable.

Are you considering ending your relationship?
I know hell is going freeze over once i have kids... I ended our relationship before for this exact reason he promised me he would have my back that's the only reason I came back, without his mother in the picture we are very happy. Which makes me hate her even more somehow.
 
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