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Discussion Starter #1
Ok this is kind of complicated. But a while back i noticed this guy from my wifes work was always talking to her or messaging her on fb. Nothing really inappropriate just flirting with little insults and stuff like that. Then it just kept getting more frequent and I found out she gave him her number. I saw it on a phone bill and immediately went to detective work to pull up erased text messages. Again nothing inappropriate just mild flirting, but my wife was doing it too kind of. I told my wife about it and i said that it pisses me off and i didnt want her talking to the guy outside of work. She immediately blew up at me calling me psychotic and nothing going on. So got through that and it started up again a week or so later and again i brought it up and she flipped out and said she was wrong and wouldnt do it again. However of course again i find out thats not the case. Its not whats in the context of the message its just becoming to frequent and this is a single guy tlaking to a married woman. Shes been telling him that she shouldnt talk to him because i might be tracking her, but she still continues to do it. This guy has made me into this insecure ahole that i dont trust my wife at all and feel the need to monitor her. She insisits theres nothing going on but it just irritates the living hell out of me. I need help here? Do i just drop it and be naive about it? what do i do?
 

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I would approach him about it. It will either help him realize that it is considered inappropiate by you or challenge him to do it more.(which could be bad) However if your wife is truely trust worthy then she will then begin to see his advances for what they are. Also, she needs to understand that you are not comfortable with her dialogue with him and accept your feelings on the matter and stop. There is no reason for her to continue once you have made your feelings known. Thats my take on it.
 

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VAR. Even if nothing has happened yet, it will soon if you don't put a stop to it. Heavy-duty velcro under her seat and a Sony voice recorder from Walmart $59. It's the best one and has noise reduction. Women always talk to the OM while driving.
 

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yea i know she sent him a message about me kicking his ass. He didnt really say anything but he sends her messages like oh this message is gonna get u in trouble isnt it? He just doesnt stop. I'm telling her tomorrow if she doesnt cut if off, i will.
 

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Am i really acting crazy here? I mean it bothers me that she thinks im over the top with my tracking. But everytime i do it i come up with something. Im just curious what others think. I should say that i was texting another girl that i knew from hs a while back about problems i was having in my marriage. I never met up or hung out with her but my wife flipped out, almost divorced me, but i immediately stopped talking to the girl because of how upset it made her. Now i feel shes doing the same thing, but she just doesnt stop and she sees this dude everyday. I should mention hes only 19 and my wife is in her late 20's which is weird enough.
 

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I would bring up how you stopped in a instant to make r
her rest easy and ask why she won't do the same here. Not crazy either, if you gut tells you and you look and find hidden messages and flirtatious contexts, its inappropiate period. She should understand that and stop.
 

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Is your wife still going out with her work friends for late night drinks? If so,is he one of them?
 

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I'm currently going through a very similar situation, and I think the best thing you can do is the VAR. I don't think you're wrong for monitoring her. If she has already lied to you multiple times about stopping, can you believe that they're just friends? or that she will actually stop talking to him?
 

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Discussion Starter #9
No she stopped going out to bars after work after me finally talking some sense into her about how much it was bothering me. However, she constantly gives me grief about it saying i make her a caged animal, she never gets to do anything, always making me feel bad. I dont go out either, like i said, im a cop, i dont have time to do anything, but it doesnt bother me, im happiest when im with the wife and our daughter. RJB- i know he just went through a breakup and my wife said she was "helping" him through it. She says she has lots of guy friends at work but this is the only one she texts and talks to outside of work. She immediately focuses the blame on me when i confront her. Its always well you dont do this, youre an insecure *******, you dont show me u love me. Things were getting really good between us until i found out she was tlaking to this guy. It totally tears me apart inside and i just cant act the same around her.
sorry for the poor grammar, im pissed off right now and typing really fast haha.
 

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I get you, I'm in the Army. While my issue is a little more severe than yours in actions. Comfort levels are the same. You are not comfortable with it and that should be enough. Why does she text with him and not the other guy friends. Why is he more special. She actually encourages him by stating that you are checking up on the conversations they are having and she is also telling him that she doesn't care because she keeps it going. She shouldn't be telling him he "should stop" she should be saying "STOP". Why does your showing her that you love her even relevant when you discuss this. Guilt??? Maybe. Defense Mechanism??? But why the thought of your love being questioned?
 

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She immediately focuses the blame on me when i confront her. Its always well you dont do this, youre an insecure *******, you dont show me u love me.
You're to blame for what? This sounds like she did or is doing something she knows isn't right.jmo
 

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Discussion Starter #13
Yea i was thinking about marriage counseling. Its just hard when we cant sit and talk like notmal people. I get overrun with emotion, she flips out, we dont talk the rest of the day. I think the only way is for me to confront this douche
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yea i know she sent him a message about me kicking his ass. He didnt really say anything but he sends her messages like oh this message is gonna get u in trouble isnt it? He just doesnt stop. I'm telling her tomorrow if she doesnt cut if off, i will.
Little digs are called negs in the pua community. It is part of the seduction.

He is actibely working against you. By him telling her she is going to be in trouble and so on.

Essentially she is being unfaithful now. It was just inapproiate at the beginning but now that they are trying to hide it and she is confiding in another man where they cut you down this is unfaithful.

Me? I shut it down now. It is already too far. If she cannot stop it which it sounds like she either cannot or will not this means she will need to go NC and that means she will need to change jobs.

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The above comment was BEFORE looking over your previous threads. So she is just pushing her boundaries and seems to want to be a bit of a party girl. I suspect that she has resentment over all of this and may be acting out. Was she a party girl when you married her?
 

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You are gonna get nowhere with this, if you bring it up, and then let it slide, cuz she obviously isn't taking you seriously

3 times now she has defied you---and her crap about you being controlling, or not letting her do what she pleases, is answered with---YOU ARE PROTECTING YOUR MGE, from a preditor, who is trying to get into her sexually, in a moment of weakness----that is how these PUA, work

Your wife obviously does not know the definition of mge---a properly married woman, is F'ing HAPPY, to come home every night to her family, and that is what your wife should be doing---ALL HER FRIENDS PUT TOGETHER COME SECOND TO HER FAMILY

You tell her very simply w/out any shouting screaming or anything else, that either she stops of her free will, or she can go and live with this 19 yr old, cuz you will be happy to set her free

Believe me the last thing she wants is the reality of being dumped out on her own

This 19 year old is showing her attention, and throwing out the forbidden notes, and its exciting to her----BUT IT HAS TO STOP

If necessary, tell her if she won't stop, and wants to stay married she quits the job she is in

Also send the 19 yr old a registered letter telling him, you will sue him for INTENTIONAL INFLICTION OF EMOTIONAL DISTRESS, tell him this letter is his notice that if he allows your wife to contact with him in any way, shape or form, or he iniates contact, ONE MORE TIME---you will file the civil suit---hopefully, that will wake his little a*s up and make him think about, flirting with your wife vs. what is in his wallet, and he will leave your wife alone

No matter what do not back down to your wife on this situation, for if you do, she will percieve you as weak, and do it again, with someone else
 

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Discussion Starter #16
Yea its sad that it has to come to this. I feel i cant win, she wants me to be a better husband but im inhibited by her actions. I cant just suck it up and treat her the way she wants because its a two way street. She always manages to make me feel like the ahole at the end of our argument :/
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A-Hole: a guy who does not lie down when the wife wants to do something inappropriate.

Okay.

I said this on another thread and I'll suggest it here.

Scenario One: Is there a company email? Can you do a company wide email through her account? If so, send this:

"Hello. This is Gizmo04. Marty McFly and Glorybee Roundheels (Mrs. Gizmo04) have been sending seeking an unprofessional relationship. Call 555-Gzmo if you see them behaving in an inappropriate fashion for my legal records. Your information will be kept confidential."

Do not expect her to like it.

No email?

Scenario 2: Walk into her work in the middle of the day, be VISIBLE to both her and Lothario. Get a meeting set up with her HR head and her Boss. Have copies of the texts and mention you don't particularly appreciate you wife working on a burdgeoning romance instead of actually, you know, work. Ask that IT check her company emails for inappropriate texts or emails on the company dime and you'd appreciate it if they weren't ever near each other.

Also suggest that if there is any downsizing in the company, you could think of one or two names you'd like added to the list pronto. You realize that they are not in the fidelity business but they should be made aware of any crap which conflicts with their codes of conduct. You aren't sure what other legal remedies you might pursue, but if she continues keeping in touch with him, they (HR and Boss) can at the very least expect to be deposed in a divorce action.

They have the private space at work where they can cop a feel and play their little games safely. You need to remove that.
 

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I just wrote on another thread how opp sex relationships are dangerous. I wrote, "she said Oh he just broke up with his girlfriend and he needs a shoulder to cry on"

Its a red flag.

No more arguing, that will have the opposite effect.
No more badgering either. Never beg it makes you look weak and unattractive.

You need to be strong and confident, no begging or fearfulness.
Be a little aloof, cool, but open and approachable. Let her wounder what you are up to. If she asks, tell her your eyes are being opened but you cant say any more right now.

If she notices you are not fighting she may feel insecure
This may cause her to try to get reassurance from you.

Tell her you will address it soon.

If there are unresolves sources of bitterness or resentment try to remove those by showing true remorse, ask forgiveness. If she has been asking you to listen or work on some problems do it without explaining why.

This is just groundwork for you relationship. You should take this serious!

Use the fear, jealously and anger to fight for you relationship, do not direct them at her.

You have to take action and not just become a weak whining husband.

You have to try and address the holes in your marriage without looking really needy. Its ok to be genuine and confident.

Keep snooping but do not confront every time you find somthing. You may have to take firm action soon. Save what you find for a shock and awe exposure. And DO NOT reveal you sources to her!!!

If you get a VAR (voice activated recorder) and put it in her car or somewhere in the house where she talks on phone, dont give a up the source!

Dont go runnung to her with every bit of evidence.
key loggers for PC and phones,Phone logs, emails, can you track her phone with gps?

If this man is criticizing you he is an enemy of your marriage.
She may already be fantasizing about being with him, woman are nuture prone and he is shareing his emotions.
If she is confiding in him about your marriage she is being disloyal.

If she notices some changes in you that she likes tell her you want to be a better husband for her, maybe that would be a good point to suggest marriage counseling.

You have to play this to win!!

I'm sure there will be more help forthcomming, keep posting

This sounds like the start of an Emotional Affair (EA) these are very damaging to a woman, they become addicted and torn in their emtions and very conflicted. She will be badly hurt. As her husband you must act for her good, while keeping your dignity.

Try to read some of the other posts on here about EA and coping with infidelity.

Take care!
 

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B O U N D A R I E S

It's cool for my wife to talk to the neighbor, workmate, casual friend all day long about: landscaping, gardening, car woes, child rearing, client meetings, etc.

It's not cool, not even for one minute, to: flirt, talk about sex, talk about our intimate times, talk about her fantasies.

Bottom line: if it would embarrass her to have the transcript of the convo sent to her family and co-workers to see then it was inappropriate.

Oh, same holds for me.
 
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