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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hello,
My wife and I have been married for 31/2 years. After a year of marriage she cheated on me and we worked it out. Which obviously left a mark on me. For the most part I am over it but there is scarring for certain. So anyways roughly about 21/2 years have passed since the incident and she is talking about not being happy in our marriage and thinking of leaving she told me the problem is we don't talk enough anymore or go out and do anything. We aren't as affectionate as we used to be. I never really thought our problems were too serious but she did so I took them seriously. This was about a month ago.

We don't talk - I turn off the TV now as soon as she gets home and try to talk and after about 10 minutes she turns on her laptop which I continue to try to converse anyways which is hard to do when she's staring at facebook. She texts constantly to her friend Jenny (supposedly)

We don't go out - I ask her during the week and on the weekends what she would like to do and she always says I just want to stay home and relax. Ask her if she wants to go see a movie. Oh we can watch movies here. Go out to eat. Oh we can order out or something

Not as affectionate - I randomly hug or kiss her

I don't know what more I can do to address the things she says are problems when I feel like I'm getting shut down at every turn.

However I have made problems worse now. As noted above the affair did leave a mark on me. For the first time I took a peak at her facebook since she never signs out of it. It was wrong and I know and I wish i could take it back now but no turning back on that now. Scarred or not it's no excuse. Anyways I seen that she had made a post earlier today saying something to the affect of that she passed by someone who she probably could have had an amazing relationship with and an entry below it saying and you'll never even know...

One of the reasons why I hate things like facebook and myspace. People tend to spend too much time on those sites but that's another story

I have no idea what to do about this or how to begin addressing this to her. I got married knowing that she was who I wanted to spend my life with but I have no idea what to do anymore about this. She's bi polar and won't get help for it just says she can control it. I'm here trying to put our marriage back together but feel like I'm on my own in trying to do so. I feel like if I try to talk to her about what's on my mind where we are concerned she takes it wrongly and will turn it into a fight or take it differently than I intend for it to be. Any suggestions on what I can do here? thank you
 

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First, if she says you don't talk and then turns her lap top on when you do, tell her to shut it off.

Don't ask her what she wants to do on the weekend. Get tickets to a movie and let her know. Make a date to go out.

It wouldn't hurt to consider marriage counseling since the relationship sounds like it's on shaky ground.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
First, if she says you don't talk and then turns her lap top on when you do, tell her to shut it off.

Don't ask her what she wants to do on the weekend. Get tickets to a movie and let her know. Make a date to go out.

It wouldn't hurt to consider marriage counseling since the relationship sounds like it's on shaky ground.
I've wanted to do marriage counseling before but it's something else that gets shut down when I mention it.
 

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Chris gave you good advice. It also seems like she's had some issues going on prior to your marriage. There's also a good thread on here regarding "proper boundaries" regarding FB. You may need to be a bit more assertive, but its hard when the person doesn't seem like they want to meet you halfway.

If it sounds like she doesn't want to play ball, why are you still trying to make things work?
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Chris gave you good advice. It also seems like she's had some issues going on prior to your marriage. There's also a good thread on here regarding "proper boundaries" regarding FB. You may need to be a bit more assertive, but its hard when the person doesn't seem like they want to meet you halfway.

If it sounds like she doesn't want to play ball, why are you still trying to make things work?

I know I do need to be more assertive. I just have been thrown for a loop here. To my face she acts like there is nothing wrong at all but then I find this kind of stuff going on and I don't know it's just all very confusing not knowing which way is up.

I dunno I guess a few reasons. I've always believed every problem can be solved. I love my wife and I've never been a believer in divorce. If she's gone I know how much I will miss her and that's not a pain I want to feel. Afraid of being alone I guess.
 

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I know I do need to be more assertive. I just have been thrown for a loop here. To my face she acts like there is nothing wrong at all but then I find this kind of stuff going on and I don't know it's just all very confusing not knowing which way is up.

I dunno I guess a few reasons. I've always believed every problem can be solved. I love my wife and I've never been a believer in divorce. If she's gone I know how much I will miss her and that's not a pain I want to feel. Afraid of being alone I guess.
Not every problem can be solved. To me the PA is 1 moment in time that you can get over. The ongoing drama is what would eventually make me want to consider ending this. RIght now... you are living and playing by her rules. Its making you live a life that is reactive, and not proactive.

As with being alone. Its only natural to feel this way once you are in a committed relationship for so long. Alot of people allow this to tie their hands for years before they get moving along. Unless you are 60 years old, there is life after divorce. I'm a very social guy, if i divorced tomorrow, i'd be sad, but i'd hit the ground running by the very next weekend.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Not every problem can be solved. To me the PA is 1 moment in time that you can get over. The ongoing drama is what would eventually make me want to consider ending this. RIght now... you are living and playing by her rules. Its making you live a life that is reactive, and not proactive.

As with being alone. Its only natural to feel this way once you are in a committed relationship for so long. Alot of people allow this to tie their hands for years before they get moving along. Unless you are 60 years old, there is life after divorce. I'm a very social guy, if i divorced tomorrow, i'd be sad, but i'd hit the ground running by the very next weekend.
Your absolutely right about that. I am playing by her rules. I think she has completely forgotten what life was like before me. She had nothing not even a driver's license and slept on her brother's couch. Some of it is my fault because since we've been living together and then married I have tried to give her everything she has wanted within reason of finances of course. We never really had any problems until her dad passed away in 2008 and then her mom in 2009. It has always seemed to me that those were the turning points in our relationship. I really wish she would get some help for her bi polar disorder and her parents death because I realize that has got to be a struggle dealing with but she won't.

I know I need to talk to her about this I just don't know how. I don't want to keep living a life of paranoia that the person I'm with may be cheating on me. Things are rocky right now and I don't want it to get to those extremes. It's just hard for me to imagine life afterwards honestly if it came to that.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
curiousity question mainly. If she is as unhappy as she claims to be and whatnot why does she come in acting happy? Like today for instance she came in and gave me a big hug and laid down on the couch and we just talked for awhile. Confusing as to why she says she's unhappy but acts like she's not
 
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