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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
My wife and I have been married for almost 15 years and have 3 children, but we went through a very hard time about a year and a half ago.

Due to the economy, I lost one job in 2/2010 and then another job in 2/2011. The loss of two jobs - both eliminated by the companies - really infuriated my wife. Directly after this, my wife became friends with her old fiance on facebook and it got where she would stay up at night and they would message back on forth on FB. She then went out of town for a few days only to find out that she was with him and they were hanging out in bars. They were placing phone calls to each other and were texting back and forth. I told her I knew what was going on and asked her to end the 'relationship' with her former fiance. She became quite angry and told me it was her life and I should stay out of it. Hmmm.

I was also able to trace phone calls made from her cell phone to a taxi company that told me she called to have someone pick her up from a hotel on a Saturday morning when she was out of town and supposedly staying with her brother. Oh, and by the way, she even took my oldest son and introduce him to her ex-fiance.

So , here's my question. She claims there was no affair and that nothing happened. I am not so sure. If the affair wasn't physical, I certainly believe it was emotional and that she was putting out feelers to see if he would be interested in getting back together with her. Ladies, in your opinion, is it OK for her to have this kind of relationship with an ex-fiance who she was supposed to marry at one point in time?

Our relationship has not been the same since this happened, and other things have piled on top of this problem; I believe we may be separating soon.

Please don't bash - I just want some honest opinions. Thanks.
 

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Sounds fishy to me. If my husband did this stuff with an old flame, I would be calling him on the carpet. It is your business and since you are married, "her life" affects your life, as a married couple.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Is it the fact that it is an ex-fiance or does that have anything to do with it? The kicker for me was when I found out she had introduced my oldest son to him. But she still claims her innocence to this day.
 

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She may not have had sex w/ him, but the fact that she refuses to discuss what occurred is odd. Why would a married woman pursue a relationship (even a friendship) with another man? I wouldn't do it. I'm around male work contacts, neighbors, husbands & male relatives of friends but I wouldn't go out of my way to do stuff alone w/them. All my male FB friends are relatives. Ask her to invite him over for a BBQ or for a dinner out and see what happens. If they are just friends, it shouldn't be a problem, if she freaks out, you will know something is up. If he accepts the invite, you can watch their interaction and see for yourself what the score is.
 

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Ladies, in your opinion, is it OK for her to have this kind of relationship with an ex-fiance who she was supposed to marry at one point in time?
Totally inappropriate.

Where did she travel to? Her hometown? What do you know about this ex? Is he married? Can you log into her FB to read their messages?

Your unemployment is this horrific economy is not your fault. Does your wife work?

I am very sorry about all of this.
 

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Wow, she took out on you loses jobs at no fault of your own? That does not speak very well of her.

Your wife had an affair. It was at least and EA and probably a PA.

Since she will not open up to you about it, I would assume that it was a PA.

Are they still in contact? How do you know one way or the other?

What have you done besides looking at phone records to determine if the affair is over, if she's got anything else going on and what went on at the time?

Does it make a difference that he was her fiancé in the past? Yes. People should be very careful about having close relationships with people of the opposite sex after marriage. And relationships with ex's are even more problematic as there are strong ties already.

I stronly suggest that you get the book "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley. It has some good guidelines on how to handle the affair and your wife now that this has happened. It might even help to save your marriage.
 

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At the very least it is an emotional affair. Getting angry and telling you that it is her life and that you should stay out of it is ridiculous. You and your W share a life together, and no healthy marriage has room for a third person.

I'm sorry about your loss of employment. Darned recession... Your wife should have been supportive of you, not behave the way she did.
 
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No bashing. She has checked out of the marriage. Notice the use of it "MY Life" not "Our Life". And the fact that she introduced your older son to him makes it worse.

Of course she is saying it is not an affair. They never admit it until you have undeniable proof. I am sorry you find yourself here.

Also, no is not right for a woman or man to "hang out" with an ex fiance. Ecspecially if it makes your wife/husband feel uncomfortable.
 

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Totally inappropriate. And yes it does make a difference if it is an ex.
I ran into an old bf not so long long ago and was amazed to feel a spark as I hadn't seen him for over 40 years.
I declined his invitation for lunch.
 

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Her behaviour is totally inappropriate and ex or not, this is not how she should be treating you. I personally think she has had both an emotional and sexual affair, plus introducing your son. No way is that appropriate!!!
 

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Not okay with me!

My husband and I made an agreement early in our marriage that there are no casual friends of the opposite sex. It most likely leads to trouble. This agreement has worked out very well for us and there is no wondering.

It's very easy to put yourself in the situation where an EA will happen due to inviting others of the opposite sex into your life.

I'm really sorry about your job losses too. I can't imagine the stress you were going through. This was a time where your wife needed to support you and not be angry. It was completely out of your control.
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
I actually did tell her to invite him and the three of us would go out for dinner. Her response was, "he would never do that". In addition, I did find some text messages from him and he was saying how much he still loved her and had never gotten married because he has been 'waiting on her'. She even told me at one point in time that if we ever did split up that he was 'an option' and that she had 'unresolved feelings for him'. This is why I believe she absolutely had an affair with him. I don't have any physical proof, but everything does point to the fact that she had one. And no, I am not absolutely convinced that there is not still some kind of relationship going on there.

I just wanted to know if maybe I was just being too paranoid or not. We have children, and I have stayed with her for the past couple of years because I don't want to see my children hurt or split up. They would be the biggest losers in all of this, and my heart hurts for them. As far as employment goes, I was able to land a pretty good job, but when I was un-employed and drawing un-employment, she never even tried to work to keep our finances from collapsing. I think she is just really self-absorbed and doesn't care about our marriage.

The bad part about all of this? I still lover her, I just don't love being married to her. And that says a lot.
 

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I'm sorry to hear you're going through this and No you're not paranoid......all signs do lead to some kind of affair between the two.

The only male friends I have are those attached to a female; Hubs and I are friends with them as a 'couple'. No opposite sex friends for either one of us. We feel it's totally inappropriate.
 

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Always trust your gut. It is an affair. Why do you think a wife would go to a hotel without telling her husband? There are not that many reasons.

I did the same thing you did. I asked my wife to bring who she supposedly call friend to hang out together. Well the answer was no. And you know why. They are f***ing each other behind my back.

Your wife is doing the same thing to you.

She has someone to attached to, she won't care about your family or your marriage.
 

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Always trust your gut. It is an affair. Why do you think a wife would go to a hotel without telling her husband? There are not that many reasons.

I did the same thing you did. I asked my wife to bring who she supposedly call friend to hang out together. Well the answer was no. And you know why. They are f***ing each other behind my back.

Your wife is doing the same thing to you.

She has someone to attached to, she won't care about your family or your marriage.
So you have a decision to make. You tell her she has to make a choice, me or him. No more cake eating. If she chooses him pack her stuff in black garbage bags and tell her to leave now, without the kids! Separate finances also.
 

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Do your homework and expose this AFFAIR to the OM's wife/SO...if he is unattached, find his family, friends, coworkers. But do SOMETHING to put an end to it.

Only once it stops, can you deal with your wife. She's in an affair trance right now...she needs to be shaken down.
 
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