[kconfused]

I apologize in advance for the long post, considering this is my first time posting, but I really need a man's opinion on my concern.

My husband and I have been married for almost 2 years. We have been together for 10 years, since he was 17 and I was 18. We met online and talked for over a year before we met in person. When we first met there was an instant connection and for 3 years we made our relationship work by seeing each other twice a year until we decided to move in together. We have lived together now for 6 years and we have a 4 1/2 year old together (our only child).

So now my concern. When we first lived together of course we had our freedom to go out when we wanted and all that fun stuff. The sex was great and we would have sex anywhere between 2 to 3 times a day, 3 to 4 times a week. Once I got pregnant, of course that changed and we still have sex about 2 to 3 times a week, granted one week off a month. Lately, for the past 4 months, I've felt like there is a change in our relationship. A couple of weeks ago my wifi wasn't working right and I needed to download a file for one of my classes (I'm taking online classes through a community college) so I got onto my husband's computer to see if the file would download. Once it did I went into his "downloads" folder and noticed there were about 8-10 porn videos, the names ranging from virgin 18 year olds, gangbangs, and a couple of cougar type videos. It kind of bugs me and I've expressed my concern before how I felt about him watching porn and how it makes me feel insecure because I do not look like those women in the videos. Also, there are times when he will openly tell me he is going to masturbate and when I offer myself to him 98% of the time he refuses and says something like, "I don't want to have sex. I'm not in the mood and I'd rather masturbate just so I can cum faster." What the heck does that even mean? Does it mean that he'd rather look at those beautiful women than to look at me?

I know I'm not pretty and I'm not skinny like porn stars, but I just feel like he doesn't want me anymore. There are times when I tell him how I feel and he tells me things like, "You are beautiful to me. I like the way your body looks. I'm not ever going to leave you for someone else and I do love you." I feel like he just tells me those things because he's invested so much time into our relationship/marriage and we have a child together that it's just too difficult to start over with someone else so he's just settling for me. I have major insecurity issues with myself, hardly any that I let him know about, from past relationships of my boyfriends telling me I'm not pretty enough or I'm too fat, even when I lost a lot of weight and was a size 8 in high school.

I just feel like our relationship is just two people who are together because we have a child together and that he doesn't find me attractive since he chooses to masturbate at least twice a day rather than have sex with me, which I am willing and offer to do most of the work. I just feel like he doesn't want me anymore and I don't know what to do to bring that "want" between us again. And I also feels he just tells me those things that he finds me attractive just to shut me up.

I just need a man's honest opinion on what's going on here and what I can do so my husband will want me more over than masturbating.

 

[jaquen]

The sooner women understand that they're not in competition with porn and masturnation (under most circumstances), the better.

If a man wants to jack off, he wants to jack off. Masturnation is something the vast majority of guys have been doing since long before they got laid. For a lot of us having a tug, with or without porn, is no different than you enjoying a trip to the manicurist, a romance novel, or your own private time with the rabbit, magic wand, or other clitastic machine. On a personal note I've had sex three times this week already, and still found time to enjoy some self indulgence; one has nothing to do with the other.

Men masturbate for reasons that often have NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU. Women would be so, so, so much better off if they let this sink in.

Your poor self image is your problem. It existed before you even met this man. Him not watching porn and masturbating isn't going to magically make you a secure, confident woman. That's soul, mind, and body work that you need to do for your own sake, regardless of your romantic entanglements.

 

[Faithful Wife]

I'm not a man but sweetie, that is really a bad place that you're in. You and your H are slipping down a slope into an incrediby scary sex starved marriage. You're both going to need to learn how to really turn toward each other and get your sex life back on track if you want to change the direction you are going.

 

[Hope1964]

there are times when he will openly tell me he is going to masturbate and when I offer myself to him 98% of the time he refuses and says something like, "I don't want to have sex. I'm not in the mood and I'd rather masturbate just so I can cum faster."

This is disturbing. The fact he watches porn and masturbates isn't so much, except for this. When he's doing it rather than having sex with you and you aren't satisfied with your sex life, it's a problem.

Your self image is something you can work on. Your husbands problems you can't - only he can. You can express your displeasure, but only he can do anything about it. So work on yourself, and let your husband know your limits, and what's going to happen if he exceeds that limit.

 

[jaquen]

He's not choosing masturbation over her.

Read what she actually wrote. She said that he was open about when he was going to masturbate, and then she decided to offer herself as an alternative. And all he did was chose to continue what he already stated he was going to do.

He did nothing wrong. He wants to, in that moment, mastubrate. Why is she offering him sex? If he wanted sex, since apparently they have it frequently, than he would ask for sex.

Sometimes when you want to jerk off, you want to jerk off. It doesn't mean that jerking off is a secondary activity you do only because sex is unavailable. With some men, that's the wrong way to look at it.

Stop trying to compete with your husband's penis.

 

[Hope1964]

She also says this

he chooses to masturbate at least twice a day rather than have sex with me, which I am willing and offer to do most of the work. I just feel like he doesn't want me anymore and I don't know what to do to bring that "want" between us again.

You don't think that's a problem jaquen???

 

[jaquen]

She also says this



You don't think that's a problem jaquen???

Not when she stated that they have sex 2-3 times a week, since the pregnancy, and never once suggested that was too infrequent for her.

The way the story reads, from my view anyway, is that she was perfectly fine with their pretty frequent sex, found out he looks at porn and masturbates, and let that send her on a tail spin of insecurity and paranoia.

What does it matter how many times he masturbates if, prior to finding out about the porn, she was fine with their 2-3 times a week?

What's fascinating is that she knows her husband is very HD. She said they were having sex 2-3 times A DAY before the baby. Is it then shocking if, after the child, they have it less, but he still has that HD need to release a few times a day?

Why would she then be shocked that her known HD husband is having sex with her and masturbating a lot?

 

[Hope1964]

I can see how you'd get that out of it. What I got out of it was that she wants to have sex more and he whacks off instead.

I guess we need clarification from the OP here.

 

[jaquen]

I can see how you'd get that out of it. What I got out of it was that she wants to have sex more and he whacks off instead.

I guess we need clarification from the OP here.

Absolutely. If she's unsatisfied with the 2-3 times a week, but he's denying her that while satisfying himself, that is definitely a problem. I agree wholeheartedly.

I guess I just didn't get that from the order of things in the OP. She's coming off to me like she's offering more sex to him now simply because she's threatened/afraid of his masturbation and porn habit.

 

[Hope1964]

Even if that is the case, I am not convinced that masturbating 2-3 times a day when you have a willing wife isn't a problem. 2-3 times a week, sure, but 2-3 times a DAY? Isn't that a tad bit excessive?

 

[EleGirl]

The sooner women understand that they're not in competition with porn and masturnation (under most circumstances), the better.

If a man wants to jack off, he wants to jack off. Masturnation is something the vast majority of guys have been doing since long before they got laid. For a lot of us having a tug, with or without porn, is no different than you enjoying a trip to the manicurist, a romance novel, or your own private time with the rabbit, magic wand, or other clitastic machine. On a personal note I've had sex three times this week already, and still found time to enjoy some self indulgence; one has nothing to do with the other.

Men masturbate for reasons that often have NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU. Women would be so, so, so much better off if they let this sink in.

Your poor self image is your problem. It existed before you even met this man. Him not watching porn and masturbating isn't going to magically make you a secure, confident woman. That's soul, mind, and body work that you need to do for your own sake, regardless of your romantic entanglements.

I think that you missed her major point... she tells him that SHE wants to have sex with him and he say so no, he's rather jerk off.

If she was getting the sex she wanted, then he masterbated beyond that it would be a completely different issue.

 

[jaquen]

Even if that is the case, I am not convinced that masturbating 2-3 times a day when you have a willing wife isn't a problem. 2-3 times a week, sure, but 2-3 times a DAY? Isn't that a tad bit excessive?

Excessive depends on the man. There is no universal definition for "excessive". If a man can masturbate, and still fulfill his wife's sexual needs and desires, that's what matters.

Me? There have been times when I masturbated up to four or five times in a single day, and still made love to my wife. My best friends think that's insane, and they could never do that. What would be excessive for them, is not for me.

And there are plenty of times when I go totally without for weeks on end.

I am of the belief that a man's masturbation time is none of his wife's business. My wife wouldn't even dare try and curb my masturbation time. It's only her business if it's interfering in our sex life.

I think that you missed her major point... she tells him that SHE wants to have sex with him and he say so no, he's rather jerk off.

Nope, didn't miss that.

She never mentioned that she wanted more sex prior to finding out about her husband's porn. Never said that the 2-3 times a week they have sex was unsatisfactory for her.

What she did mention was that she started to offer more sex AFTER she found out about the porn and masturbation. That, to me, isn't a genuine desire for more sex; that's a manipulative bid to get him to stop masturbating by offering up your body out of desperation, from a threatened place. I wouldn't take my wife up on that at all.

That's what I got. Hopefully the OP comes back to clarify.

 

[EleGirl]

She clearly states that he turns her down 98% of the time and says he's rather masterbate. That is the issue here.

I apologize in advance for the long post, considering this is my first time posting, but I really need a man's opinion on my concern.

My husband and I have been married for almost 2 years. We have been together for 10 years, since he was 17 and I was 18. We met online and talked for over a year before we met in person. When we first met there was an instant connection and for 3 years we made our relationship work by seeing each other twice a year until we decided to move in together. We have lived together now for 6 years and we have a 4 1/2 year old together (our only child).

So now my concern. When we first lived together of course we had our freedom to go out when we wanted and all that fun stuff. The sex was great and we would have sex anywhere between 2 to 3 times a day, 3 to 4 times a week. Once I got pregnant, of course that changed and we still have sex about 2 to 3 times a week, granted one week off a month. Lately, for the past 4 months, I've felt like there is a change in our relationship. A couple of weeks ago my wifi wasn't working right and I needed to download a file for one of my classes (I'm taking online classes through a community college) so I got onto my husband's computer to see if the file would download. Once it did I went into his "downloads" folder and noticed there were about 8-10 porn videos, the names ranging from virgin 18 year olds, gangbangs, and a couple of cougar type videos. It kind of bugs me and I've expressed my concern before how I felt about him watching porn and how it makes me feel insecure because I do not look like those women in the videos. Also, there are times when he will openly tell me he is going to masturbate and when I offer myself to him 98% of the time he refuses and says something like, "I don't want to have sex. I'm not in the mood and I'd rather masturbate just so I can cum faster." What the heck does that even mean? Does it mean that he'd rather look at those beautiful women than to look at me?

I know I'm not pretty and I'm not skinny like porn stars, but I just feel like he doesn't want me anymore. There are times when I tell him how I feel and he tells me things like, "You are beautiful to me. I like the way your body looks. I'm not ever going to leave you for someone else and I do love you." I feel like he just tells me those things because he's invested so much time into our relationship/marriage and we have a child together that it's just too difficult to start over with someone else so he's just settling for me. I have major insecurity issues with myself, hardly any that I let him know about, from past relationships of my boyfriends telling me I'm not pretty enough or I'm too fat, even when I lost a lot of weight and was a size 8 in high school.

I just feel like our relationship is just two people who are together because we have a child together and that he doesn't find me attractive since he chooses to masturbate at least twice a day rather than have sex with me, which I am willing and offer to do most of the work. I just feel like he doesn't want me anymore and I don't know what to do to bring that "want" between us again. And I also feels he just tells me those things that he finds me attractive just to shut me up.

I just need a man's honest opinion on what's going on here and what I can do so my husband will want me more over than masturbating.

 

[jaquen]

She clearly states that he turns her down 98% of the time and says he's rather masterbate. That is the issue here.

Nope. She didn't say 98% of the time he turns her down for sex in general.

She said that he turns her down 98% of the time during those times when he announces first that he intents to masturbate.

That's like:

Me: Hey babe, I'm gonna watch the football game.
Wife: Really? Don't you want to watch Once Upon a Time With me?
Me: Nope. I planned to watch the game, and I'm gonna watch the game.

And then my wife running on here and crying "98% of the time I ask him to watch TV he turns me down! He never wants to watch TV with me!".

 

[EleGirl]

Nope. She didn't say 98% of the time he turns her down for sex in general.

She said that he turns her down 98% of the time during those times when he announces first that he intents to masturbate.

That's like:

Me: Hey babe, I'm gonna watch the football game.
Wife: Really? Don't you want to watch Once Upon a Time With me?
Me: Nope. I planned to watch the game, and I'm gonna watch the game.

And then my wife running on here and crying "98% of the time I ask him to watch TV he turns me down! He never wants to watch TV with me!".

Yea we need her to clarify.

She did say that things have changed in the last 4 months. It would also be good to know what has changed.

I think that most women would feel very hurt if they offered sex in stead of masterbation and their husband refused. I also think that most men would feel the same were it the other way around.

 

[jaquen]

Yea we need her to clarify.

She did say that things have changed in the last 4 months. It would also be good to know what has changed.

I think that most women would feel very hurt if they offered sex in stead of masterbation and their husband refused. I also think that most men would feel the same were it the other way around.

On the flipside, however, I would be pissed off if my wife suddenly started offering me more sex out of jealousy over my own penis, and some porn.

I want her to crave me because she actually wants to be with me. Don't offer me more sex because you're insecure and afraid. I'll pick the masturbation every time.

 

[kconfused]

I didn't think I'd get this many responses and I do see that there needs some clarification, so I'll clarify a few more things.

First, I have tried talking to my husband that I would like to have more sex, prior to finding the porn. He agreed with me, but nothing has changed.

Half of the time when he says he's going to masturbate, I will try to seduce him by kissing on him and touching him, but he stops me and tells me he's not in the mood or too tired, but turns around a half hour or so to say he's going to masturbate and when I suggest having sex rather than him masturbating (since I was trying to seduce him) he still...rejects me.

Also, I knew he masturbated, I'm not that clueless, but he never announced it to me until a couple of weeks ago. I never knew when he did it or all the porn on his computer until I found it and I tried talking to him about it, like how that makes me feel that he has that much porn and would rather masturbate than have sex with me, he pretty much brushed it off. There really wasn't a conversation, and since then he's been openly announcing it to me. I mean if he wants to masturbate, I'm ok with it in general, but I don't like hearing "I'm going to jack off" especially AFTER I tried initiating sex with him.

Hopefully that clarified a few more things that I should've mentioned in my initial post.

 

[jaquen]

Thanks for the clarification!

Yes, if you want more sex than your regular 2-3 times a week, and he's making excuses about not upping that, all the while masturbating regularly, that's a problem.

It sounds like he's enjoying the porn/masturbation so much, and it is encroaching on your sex life.

Have you asked him, calmly, and without judgement, why he chooses to masturbate and watch porn so much now?

 

[EleGirl]

....
Half of the time when he says he's going to masturbate, I will try to seduce him by kissing on him and touching him, but he stops me and tells me he's not in the mood or too tired, but turns around a half hour or so to say he's going to masturbate and when I suggest having sex rather than him masturbating (since I was trying to seduce him) he still...rejects me.

....

I just find this bazar.. He actually announces to you when he’s going to masturbate? When did he start doing this… the announcing?

Sounds to me like he’s trying to trying to hurt you by doing this.

 

[kconfused]

Thanks for the clarification!

Yes, if you want more sex than your regular 2-3 times a week, and he's making excuses about not upping that, all the while masturbating regularly, that's a problem.

It sounds like he's enjoying the porn/masturbation so much, and it is encroaching on your sex life.

Have you asked him, calmly, and without judgement, why he chooses to masturbate and watch porn so much now?

I have asked him and his response was, "Sometimes I'm just too tired to **** you and I'd rather just jack off and cum." And I understand that he gets tired, I mean I get tired where I don't want sex, but when he said that, it felt like a stab in the heart.

There is something else too that I just remembered. A couple of months ago we were kissing and he pushed me against the wall and he tried putting my leg straight up like to get it behind my head (while standing) and that wasn't going to work for 2 reasons. 1) I'm only 5 foot with short legs and long torso, and 2) like I stated, I'm not skinny, not obese, a little more than chubby, but anyhow when I told him that it wasn't going to work for him to have sex with me like that and that he was hurting me he got frustrated and said, "Ugh! Just forget it. Just get on the bed."

So yeah I'm really whirl-winded with confusion and major insecurity especially after all these years being together he never acted like this and now all of a sudden he's different.