Talk About Marriage banner

Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 20 of 25 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
24 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
I have been married for 3 years and we have an almost 2yo son.

My husband is on the bigger side, honestly, he is not fat. he is literally just big boned and I absolutely LOVE it. but all he really talks about is how ugly and 'fat' he is. This really has made me see him in a different light. and whenever I try to reassure him he just says "oh whatever" This has made me loose the sex appeal about him since he isn't confident.

also, he doesn't have the greatest hygiene patterns. Pretty much he showers when I finally hint "when the last time you showered" or "im going to take a shower, do you want to go in before or after me Hint hint" (*usually we can't shower together since we have the little one*)

Since he doesn't shower or keep up on his hygiene it makes it really awkward to have sex with him, or to even get in the mood. It just kind of gross's me out...and it really sucks because I am extremely sexual.

I am a stay at home mom and I still shower, and get my self dressed and try to look good, EVEN WHEN IM GOING NO WHERE. and my husband can barley even shower. So my question is for you MEN
how would you want to be approached in this situation, I don't want to hurt his feelings, but I really can't handle it anymore so what is a way to talk to him about it without destroying his manhood
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
24 Posts
Hi. Show your man the dialog you've posted on TAM. That's your honest assessment of the situation. I've had that problem too. I'd get home from work (I shower every morning.) and my late wife would ask me why I don't shower upon coming home. I mean her reasoning was absolutely correct. This habit was just ingrained and difficult to break. She always mentioned it in a nice and constructive way that there was no way to 'argue' against it. Ha! Ha! In other words she 'won.' I don't think he can refute solid facts. Her reasoning: The daily grime and sweat, the germs from the type of work I did, and she liked it when I was clean in the evenings...(hint, hint)...I think that was the clincher. Good luck in helping his hygiene.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
360 Posts
Number one he has serious self Image issues so why not say if you don't like the way you look what can I do to help you change that if that is what you want,this is a lot of the shower issue because he does not want to have to look in the mirror at himself and see himself naked even if he is just big so he just avoids the shower.In his mind this is a huge issues.

I am sure he still loves the sex,so until he start looking at himnself differently,why not take you shower after the kids are in bed and to make it fun when he is naked ,grab the family jewles and lead him into the shower or stand in the shower naked and call him in. You make it fun sexually in a strong way and he will follow.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
7,548 Posts
I have been married for 3 years and we have an almost 2yo son.

My husband is on the bigger side, honestly, he is not fat. he is literally just big boned and I absolutely LOVE it. but all he really talks about is how ugly and 'fat' he is. This really has made me see him in a different light. and whenever I try to reassure him he just says "oh whatever" This has made me loose the sex appeal about him since he isn't confident.

also, he doesn't have the greatest hygiene patterns. Pretty much he showers when I finally hint "when the last time you showered" or "im going to take a shower, do you want to go in before or after me Hint hint" (*usually we can't shower together since we have the little one*)

Since he doesn't shower or keep up on his hygiene it makes it really awkward to have sex with him, or to even get in the mood. It just kind of gross's me out...and it really sucks because I am extremely sexual.

I am a stay at home mom and I still shower, and get my self dressed and try to look good, EVEN WHEN IM GOING NO WHERE. and my husband can barley even shower. So my question is for you MEN
how would you want to be approached in this situation, I don't want to hurt his feelings, but I really can't handle it anymore so what is a way to talk to him about it without destroying his manhood
Just tell him!

I can't see where telling him that he stinks when he doesn't shower is going to affect his manhood. If it does the guy needs to grow up.
If you were telling him his penis was too small or he was useless in bed or something that would affect his manhood.

I shower first thing in the morning, I even wake at 4:30 when on an early shift so I can have my shower. I also shower just before bed for two reasons.
One, I like to be clean for my wife.
Two, Hygiene, always worried about passing on germs to my wife while having sex so always make sure my penis is clean.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
40 Posts
Bath and Body Works makes a great Mens line. Maybe you could go and buy him a few bath items to use.

You mentioned you are a SAHM, do you have boys?? If so let him know he is setting a poor example for the kids in not taking care of himself. I am sure his kids look up to him and he needs to be a role model for them.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
16,640 Posts
If anything that he does, or does not do, is ever hurting your feelings, the only way to better yourself is to convey it to him verbally, but in a loving way.

And if he's any kind of a loving husband, he will absolutely not have a problem with it!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
24 Posts
Discussion Starter #9
okay that is all great advice and now another question, I have before told him a while ago that I'd like it if he showered more and he agreed and showered a lot....then he just kept slowing down on the showering. so how do I get him to keep it up, Do I keep reminding him..

also yes we do have a son so that is a good idea to let him see his significance in what our little boy is learning. also he does give our son a bath every night-so you would think he would see a pattern ;)
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
3,107 Posts
okay that is all great advice and now another question, I have before told him a while ago that I'd like it if he showered more and he agreed and showered a lot....then he just kept slowing down on the showering. so how do I get him to keep it up, Do I keep reminding him..
Yes. You remind him. Also, join your actions to your words. For example, right now, if you're holding your nose and having sex with him when you don't want to because he's dirty, then he doesn't see the problem. If you stop having sex with him because he's dirty, he might see a problem. If he asks, tell him you can't get in the mood when he's dirty.

Then switch it around when he showers. When he comes out of the bathroom all clean, jump him. Tell him how good he smells and how it drives you crazy, etc. It shouldn't take him long to make the reward for good behavior connection.

As for his self-deprecation, I think you just have to be blunt and tell him it kills your desire for him. At least you've said that you have a natural attraction to him. So, if he just acknowledges your attraction, you will continue to be attracted. That's easy.

Good luck.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
133 Posts
Sex is a great motivator for a lot of men. You say you are very sexual. Tell him honestly that he needs to be better about taking care of his hygiene needs and a little "reward" will come his way. Honesty is the best approach, but also make sure you compliment him when he is clean. I have good hygiene habits but love it when my wife says I smell good.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
8 Posts
This issue happened to a good friend of mine. He used to brush teeth like 2 times a week, shower 1 time a week, and smokes too. One day his 3 years old daughter said "Daddy stink", I guess that hurt his feeling/ego, and eversince he started to brush teeth almost everyday, shower more often, and best of all, stopped smoking. Not sure if your son is old enough to say those words, but if your husband has a really good bond with his son, then this trick might work. Good luck! :D
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
611 Posts
OK modify to your family’s routine but: (1) Pick a day and make sure you’re good for loving and getting things ready for an evening. (2) When the husband unit gets home and you all are going through the routine – getting the little units fed, bathed, feeding yourselves, etc.; Slink up behind the husband unit (out of sight of the little units) gently palm his crotch and whisper “When I’m reading to the kids, I want you to shower and shave twice because I’m going to “F” your brains out tonight.(3) Start with something out of the blue such as straddling his face and queening him for half an hour then (4) “F” his brains out. (5) Repeat as necessary, he’ll catch on – eventually.

Also keep in mind, notwithstanding postpartum issues, just coping with a young family, the demands and the changes that little units bring to a relationship – these issues really can impact a Mom or Dad’s emotional psyche in many ways and this may be reflective of difficulties he is having in adapting/adjusting to these new circumstances/realities and duties.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
20,603 Posts
Has he always been like this w/ his hygiene or is it new? if it's new, is he depressed?

Tell him straight up that his lack of hygiene-keeping is killing your libido. Or "Baby it always makes me SO horny when yo are fresh out the shower and clean!" That way he is motivated to.

I personally could not/would not have sex with a man who has poor hygiene. Nor could I be in a relationship w/ 1. I am a sucker/psycho about showering and to me, I can't think of anything nastier than someone who doesn't shower. Just...no.

It would seriously kill my libido/attraction to that person and quickly.

also, he doesn't have the greatest hygiene patterns. Pretty much he showers when I finally hint "when the last time you showered" or "im going to take a shower, do you want to go in before or after me Hint hint" (*usually we can't shower together since we have the little one*)

Since he doesn't shower or keep up on his hygiene it makes it really awkward to have sex with him, or to even get in the mood. It just kind of gross's me out...and it really sucks because I am extremely sexual.
:eek:



********************** | ***************************************** | ***************************************
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
663 Posts
Guys should be able to take constructive criticism, especially from their wives. When it doesn't work is during argumentive periods, but it should go over fine during the norm.

When I Come home from the gym, I'm soaked and stink. My wife is not shy about letting me know that and I wouldn't dream of going anywhere without showering.

Your H sounds like a slob, if you don't mind me saying.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
295 Posts
Yup, sex is the way. Unless of course he is like many of the husbands on this board who for whatever unbelievable reason have no drive. Since you are good at hinting, hint that if he scrubs up you'll reward him. Other than that can't tell you much else, I hate being dirty and shower twice a day - is rake three if I could. There isn't much more I enjoy than feeling clean. Especially if I am having a shyte day, shower makes you feel better!
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
1,966 Posts
I know this is a sensitive matter but you just need to tell him, maybe try and make it a bit light hearted.
My H is slim and sexy BUT after he's been on a mountain walk or doing jobs he dies get sweaty and certain t shirts/ thermal tops make him STINK! I just tell him, you stink, take a shower!!

I understand there's another issue here with his self esteem and that a different issue, but as far as being smelly goes, you just need to come out with it, bad hygiene us a no go and he needs to know.
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
490 Posts
This is just too stupid. Do not spare his feelings, you are not helping the situation by you actions. I will say it again, You are NOT helping the situation by your actions! Roll up a newspaper and during his next meal...DESTROY the meal! Now this has two points. 1. You get his attention when he is trying to eat! 2. He is thinking WTF, now you can TELL him..not ask,not nice...tell him to bath NOW! Also tell him there are going to be perment changes to this relationship. If he wants to loose weight, he will one eat every other day for 90 days. I know this works, I lost 45 lbs this way and kept it off for two years now. See my profile picture.
 
1 - 20 of 25 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top