Talk About Marriage banner

Not open for further replies.
1 - 6 of 6 Posts

1 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I'm in a real complicated mess and just need some advice from anyone that has been through similar.
Something is happening to me that I don't really understand.
Allow me to start from the beginning...
I've been raised as one of Jehovah's Witnesses. (please stop laughing)
Anyways, I was raised with some pretty strong convictions and morals that I have lived by all my life.
I had the chance to date 2 girls, before I met my wife. We both believed that sex before marriage was wrong, and so we courted for 1 year before I proposed to her. We got married in 2001 and things were good for the first year or two. Her and I are polar opposites in personality. I'm a passive, optemisitc, dreamer. She's the bold, skeptical, realist. We both complement each other nicely. I like her.
However, when year 2 came around...I found that she fulfilled my needs, but not my wants. If that makes any sense. She's great for me in a practical way, but I realized that she was my bestfriend, not the fire in my soul.
It's led to sexual problems, where I am not attracted to her on an emotional level, so I don't show the initiative in intimacy. She once said "stop kissing me like I'm your sister". She was right. I haven't been moved to show passion like I used to.
There were times that I had thoughts that I wanted something better for myself. I would always feel guilty of the thoughts of leaving her because God says divorce is wrong, except on the grounds of adultery, which naturally led to a bad conscience and depression. I would eventually get over it though.
This month we are celebrating our 7 year anniversary.
However, things have changed.
Over the past 6 months, for specific reasons, I've lost my desire to be one of Jehovah's Witnesses. I don't want it anymore. It's too much for me right now.
I've kept my feelings to myself, because I didn't want to hurt my wife.
This faith encompasses a person's life. Leaving it behind is like chopping off an arm.
Recently, I was diagnosed with ADHD. I don't have the hyperactivity, I have the kind that makes it hard to concentrate, but when I do concentrate, the world around me disappears. I don't hear people talking to me, I don't see anything else going on.
Well, I got on Adderal to combat my ADHD and it worked AMAZINGLY!
Suddenly, I can think! I want things for myself!
My wife went on a vacation to Ohio, and was gone for 1 week.
While she was gone, I did a LOT of thinking.
I suddenly realized that I couldn't lie to myself and others anymore. I don't want to be a Jehovah's Witness anymore.
When my wife got back, I finally had the courage to tell her.
She has a brief emotional meltdown. She cried, and screamed.
Our neighbors thought that I was beating her, so they called the cops.
They showed at my door at 10pm asking me what was going on.
That was interesting.
It's been 3 weeks, and things are going downhill quickly.
My wife is always telling me that it's the medication that's making me make this decision about my religion.
She spends a lot of time in denial about me not wanting it anymore. She blames it on depression, medication, stress...everything.
It's actually gottten irritating.
I understand the way she her mind, my salvation is at stake. She wants the best for me.
So I can't be mad at her.
But at the sametime, I can't help but think that she'll be resentful to me for not being a Witness.
Then I began to think again...
We've always had our small problems...
I've always had a hard time keeping a romantic interest in her...
She wants to be loved.
I've been living like this for 5 years, and I'm at a crossroads.

She's a wonderful girl; she's smart, beautiful and loyal.
She's my best friend.
I would never want to hurt her. EVER. I want the best for the both of us.
But of course, here comes the complicated part: we have one 2 year old boy and we just found out she's pregnant.

So my conscience beats me because of the religion I left, the wife I'm not sure I love, the children that I love dearly, the things I will lose if I leave.

I wish I hated the woman, since it was make it easier to go. But I don't. I don't want anything bad for her. I actually want her to be happy with a person that fulfills her every need.

We've talked a lot, and she knows how I feel right now.
She knows that I'm confused and uncertain.
It hurts her with my constant flipflopping.

I feel like a creep...

69 Posts
It sounds like to me that you need to make your decision and stick with it. It's not fair to your family to keep flip flopping back and forth about what you want to do. That will cause more hurt and feelings of animosity because the longer it goes on the more unhappy and hurt you will both become.

I can't comment on the religion part of it. That's a very personal decision for everyone to make. But I believe in treating others as you would want to be treated, and if someone didn't really love me, then I wouldn't want them to keep staying and hurting me....or pretending.

Nothing says that you can't be a very large part of your kids lives, even if the two of you are not married anymore - and espcecially if you can salvage a friendship out of it. Just because things change doesn't necessarily mean you lose.

55 Posts
Okay, first off, as a nondenominational... the Witnesses have it right, out of all the religions. Second, well, your in a bit of apickle. What makes you think you don't love her? If her strengths are your weaknesses, and vice cersa, isn't that a great compliment? Thats the way it SHOULD be. As far as the religion goes, it should not be an issue due to the fact that you KNOW the way to God, and that is only through Jesus. I can't tell you how things are going to go from here, but if you want to end it, I would definately suggest getting your innards cut so you can't have any more children. You already have 1 and another bun in the oven, so, why drag another child into this? Right? Wait, if your not in love with her, why are you having sex with her to begin with?

77 Posts
As a "recovering catholic" I say that religion sometimes is too much into people's heads that make things a lot more complicated than they should. If she is smart, it doesn't matter what religion, she should be able to understand that beliefs are just that, beliefs, and they can change with time and under many circumstances. If you loved her, and then discovered that she was not the fire of your life, then what made you discover that? Because I was very much in love, or at least I thought I was, until I met someone else and i really discover what it was to be in love... You are dealing with many things, and probably going to therapy will help you and your wife.

Premium Member
121 Posts
Wow, that is all I can say. It is incredibly hard to leave a faith that you have held that strong with your wife and family and just drop it. That has got to have a terrible impact on your life. She sees you as going to hell for this, how can she react any other way. She wants to save you from yourself. I understand. Believe me, I understand I am catholic going to convert the judaism. It works for my hubby because he is jewish. If it was the other way around and I was becoming catholic our marriage would fall apart without an intervention. I really think a non-judgemental spiritual guide (one that is not in your faith and has no intention of trying to convert you to their religions is a place I would start looking for a little help)
1 - 6 of 6 Posts
Not open for further replies.