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Discussion Starter #1
I have three best friends that I have known a very long time and we used to hangout and do a ton of stuff together........once upon a time. But since getting married I am lucky if I see them once every 4 months or even twice a year - and I blame it on all of our wives, because if given the choice we'd all still hangout a lot but as for our wives they have different ideas on what we should all be doing with our spare time.

Anyone else miss the good ol days with friends too? :(
 

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Anyone else miss the good ol days with friends too? :(
I don't. Why? Because I never did this:

if given the choice we'd all still hangout a lot but as for our wives they have different ideas on what we should all be doing with our spare time.

I would never allow my wife, as much as I adore her, to dictate what I do with my spare time. That's an unfathomable concept to me. If I'm spending time with my wife on other things it's because I want to be with my wife, not because she dictates what I "should be doing". Both my wife and I manage to spend most of our time together, and still see our friends whenever we want. It's not all or nothing.
 

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We all set our priorities. While a person's marriage is and *should* be his/her first priority, it's a framework that requires/allows us to have other priorities, too: kids, work, friends, etc.

If your friends are important enough to you, you'll find a way to connect.
 

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Cee Paul,

I hope you don't consider me rude but it's time for you to accept this new phase of your life. Your friends are in your past and it's great to get together once in a while and reminisce about the old days. Trying to behave like you guys are still single is not only trouble for your marriage, but a bit immature. Look forward, not back.
 

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I see my two bffs very rarely. In fact, Thanksgiving will be the first time in 4 years since I have seen one of them. I will meet her one year old baby for the first time. She does live in a different state now though. The other lives about 10 minutes away. We see each other now and then in the grocery store and will catch up for a few minutes. Do I wish we had more time to spend together? Sure. But I would never want to go back to the days when we spent all our free time together. I would much rather spend it with my husband and our kids now. You make that choice when you decide to get married and have kids, or at least you should.
Why can’t all of your families get together more often for a BBQ or something?
 

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A marriage/relationship should not take away from your life, it should add to it. If you have to give up the things/people you hold dear then ............................................
 

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When I was married I saw my two closest friends a few times a year if that. In fact even friends we had as a couple we only saw every few months. Everyone is busy, people have jobs and families and commitments and no spare time.

Being single has other benefits, like I can catch up with people I just lost touch with and I don't have to 'wait to see if we're doing anything' before I can accept invitations. I'm seeing people a lot more frequently now than I used to - maybe they just didn't like my ex ;)
 

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I see my best friend about once a yr. It's just because I'm spread so thin.
 
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Discussion Starter #9
My best friend has completely disappeared from my life after having two kids. She can't respond to my brief voice mails or emails asking how she and her family are but she'll post on FB daily about how awesomely hard she works at being a mom. Well, childless as I am, I think she can't find reasons to give me time since I have nothing in common with her any longer. I am always an option. We were BFFs and it hurts. Her actions speak to me so I've stopped trying and have made some lovely new friends.
That's kind of a factor with us too Satya because most everyone that we know(my friends & her friends)have kids and we don't, and a lot of times they prefer to gather with other couples who have kids as well which is unfortunate.
 

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I've lost touch with most of my friends, not due to W's but more due to geography.

OK, the one nearest has 4 children, but they're older now, must reach out to her (all 4 of us are friends).
 

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Cee Paul,

I hope you don't consider me rude but it's time for you to accept this new phase of your life. Your friends are in your past and it's great to get together once in a while and reminisce about the old days. Trying to behave like you guys are still single is not only trouble for your marriage, but a bit immature. Look forward, not back.
I think you are under the wrong impression because I am not wanting to hangout with them ALL the time like we used to by no means, because I am also a lot more busier than I was let's say 10 years ago. Buuuut hanging out 3 to 4 times a year would be pretty cool with me and not too much to ask, and my wife claims that I am free to go see them whenever I want to - but I know what that really means.
 

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R- My hubby (and very best of the best friend)
B-intelligent-male
L-funny-male
L2-dependable-female
M-wise-female
P-creative-female


My 6 best friends! The other 5 of these wonderful people we actually met after we were married. B&L are roommates and live about a mile from us. We see them at least once a month. L2 is about 45 minutes away and we talk weekly and see each other every 2-3 months. M is 5 hours away and we talk almost every day but only get to visit twice a year. P is 9 hours from us and we talk weekly and see her about every 3-4 years. M, L2 and I vacation at least once a year together. And if we are lucky, every 3 years we vacation with the 2 male friends. Almost all of our childhood/college friends are far away, etc. I love all of these people dearly and each one brings a certain quality into my life, the reason I listed it above. :) Even though we don't see each other all that often, we make good use of the time we do have. I am the planner of the group so I always try to pick out something exciting and different than we have done together before. So if you don't get to see the friends as frequent as you would like, at least make it memorable when you do.
P.S. don't always blame just the wives, truth be known it's probably a combination of reasons/excuses for not seeing each other often.
 

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and my wife claims that I am free to go see them whenever I want to - but I know what that really means.
this is the rub - my ex used to say the same thing, that I could see my friends whenever I wanted

I knew what it really meant too...and we always ended up seeing his friends. If I saw my friends he never wanted to come and pretended he was ok with it, then used to get all pissed off
 

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Cee Paul,

I hope you don't consider me rude but it's time for you to accept this new phase of your life. Your friends are in your past and it's great to get together once in a while and reminisce about the old days. Trying to behave like you guys are still single is not only trouble for your marriage, but a bit immature. Look forward, not back.

This could be potentially super bad advice. Do not listen to this if you cherish friendship at all.

There are people who are of the belief that friendship is a pre-marital state of being, and that once you get hitched your life becomes about your spouse, and any kids you might have.

This is NOT the way most of the planet views marriage. Most societies are able to fold in marriage and still leave plenty of room for men and women to spend quality time with same sex friends.

Friendship isn't about "old days". It can be a vital, enriching, very important part of your life. Marriage, or a long term relationship, should not be used as an excuse to murder friendship.

If this is important to you, you can have it all. Billions do. I don't know anybody, married or single, who doesn't have friends. You do not have to chose if you don't want to.
 

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I think you are under the wrong impression because I am not wanting to hangout with them ALL the time like we used to by no means, because I am also a lot more busier than I was let's say 10 years ago. Buuuut hanging out 3 to 4 times a year would be pretty cool with me and not too much to ask, and my wife claims that I am free to go see them whenever I want to - but I know what that really means.
OK, here's your assignment then.

Send the three buds an e-mail, suggesting you go out together once a quarter. Give them all three days/activities/options. If three of you can agree on a date, book it and get it on the schedule.

It's easy to blame the wife/married situation for the changes in our relationships with friends. As single guys, it's easier to hook up and hang at someone's apartment. In married situation, you do have to plan a bit more. If it's important to you, plan it and do it.

If you don't want to do the planning, don't pin the blame on the wife. Take the lead.
 

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I see friends several times a week. Why wouldn't I? Not to go out dancing and drinking, like I used to, but to have coffee, excercise and talk, absolutely.

If I didn't have kids I'd totally still be doing the drinking/dancing/karaoke thing too. Wooooh!

My friends evolve and change as my life does. Some go, new ones come. Old friends I have known for 20 years I see a few times a year, when we're all in the same city.

And I'm not even a super social person. Organise time with your friends. This is an easy problem to fix.
 

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I don't miss my former best friend AT ALL!

After I got married [ He was the" Best man"] , we remained best friends for quite a few years. We would still hang out , talk ,etc.
In fact we started a business together,which was successful.
Trouble came when he,tried to double cross me on a lucrative deal I negotiated for the business.....

This is a guy I went through thick and thin with.
When we were single , in many ways,I was his wingman.
I always covered for him whenever he made his mistakes.

When he got married , he sent a wedding invitation to us. I tore it up , placed the pieces in the envelope and sent it back to him.
He got the message.

Funny thing though, his wife and I are good friends still.
That's because I was responsible for getting them together , and throughout their relationship, I was the peacemaker whenever they had major fall outs, most times he was at fault and I will convince her to give him another chance......

Really sad what money and success can do to friendship.
 

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No, because my husband was the only one who stuck.
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Discussion Starter #19
OK, here's your assignment then.

Send the three buds an e-mail, suggesting you go out together once a quarter. Give them all three days/activities/options. If three of you can agree on a date, book it and get it on the schedule.

It's easy to blame the wife/married situation for the changes in our relationships with friends. As single guys, it's easier to hook up and hang at someone's apartment. In married situation, you do have to plan a bit more. If it's important to you, plan it and do it.

If you don't want to do the planning, don't pin the blame on the wife. Take the lead.
I have tried to make plans on many occasions and they usually only get approved by everyone and go through about ONCE a year at best, and aside from that there's a buddy of mine I play golf with about 2-3 times a year for a few hours On Saturday. But as for the other 95% of the year it's my wife and I doing everything together and she sticks to me like glue.
 

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I have tried to make plans on many occasions and they usually only get approved by everyone and go through about ONCE a year at best, and aside from that there's a buddy of mine I play golf with about 2-3 times a year for a few hours On Saturday. But as for the other 95% of the year it's my wife and I doing everything together and she sticks to me like glue.
Why is it such a problem telling your wife "no"?
 
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