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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
:( I messed up ... AGAIN

Last night my SO came home and told me that he was moving his things tonight (last night) because he was going to bachelor party tomorrow (tonight). But he says he is still staying here tonight so he can take the baby to his Mom’s in the morning (I don’t have a car). Now I know that I asked him how much time he needed to move but I don’t recall him answering that question at all. So this really hit me like a ton of bricks. I don’t know why.

So we go to bed. Now I know that this will be hard to believe, but we have most nights stayed in the same bed (but sometimes one is on the couch) with not even touching each other since the NC with XH. This is because I just don’t want to have sex outside of marriage anymore. We pretty much turn our backs to each other to accomplish this. I don’t know about him, but it has been mostly torture for me to do this. Anyway, he pulls me to him this time and starts hugging me and says “you know I love you, don’t you.” I say yes. He then says “you know that I know that you love me too.” I say “umm … no. I don’t know that.” He answers “but you do love me too, right.” “Yes I do.” (I’m really surprised at this answer coming from my mouth.) So, he just then starts kissing me and hugging me and you know the rest.

To be honest with myself, I cannot say that I was disgusted with myself. In fact, it was the least guilt I have ever had after sleeping with him. The sex is always good, it’s the after feelings that had been bad. So now I am really worried that I don’t feel bad this time. All this morning I have been trying to look at how things played out and trying to see what was the point of no return. Perhaps realizing how sad I was when I found out he was moving this weekend, so maybe I should have taken the couch. But this didn’t cross my mind at the time. Maybe I should have not let him pull me to him. He has tried this before but I had told him no, don’t do that, I know where it will lead and I don’t want to do that. I know I allowed it because I wanted to, bottom line. But why, when I believe it to be wrong and I believe it to be harmful in getting my life back on track.

At this point my thoughts have turned to why I let this happen AFTER HE HAS MOVED OUT and plans to move on, I guess. Like a last booty call or something so, then that whole familiar shame thing begins to creep in. So I call him knowing that he is probably in the car with the baby for the rather long ride to his Mom’s house (blue tooth of course). He answers “hey baby” and I don’t know why, but I have a melt down hearing him say that so I just hang up. He calls back several times and I can’t answer, don’t want him to know I’m crying. Don’t even know why I’m crying. I finally call him back and he says he’ll call me when he’s back in the car.

Now remember, we work in the same office, but many floors apart. So instead of calling he texts me to meet him somewhere in the building that’s kind of secluded. This is just minutes ago. Here is the gist of his conversation. “I don’t know why you feel like you have to go through with this. [separating?]. I’ve never seen a woman who would rather punish herself than be happy. I know you have the no sex outside of marriage thing going on, which I don’t understand anyway. But now I guess you trying to say I took advantage of you and I should feel bad for you. But I don't feel that way. I have ask you to marry me I don’t know what else I can do. It seems like you just want to say I did you wrong and left you with a baby. Why?”

All I could do is shrug. So he just hugged me and said “girl, I don’t know what I’m going to do with you. You just drive a brother crazy.”

I am now more mixed up than ever. I just can’t see clearly or think straight. One thing for sure, he has moved out now. I CANNOT let this evolve into just sleeping with him whenever he comes to pick up our baby. But I also feel like I don’t have an ounce of resistance at this point.

Will this ever end? As much as I love my job, love it's location, and know that this type of job is SCARCE, I think I should start looking ...
 

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I just went back and read through your others posts on here, and I know you're not going to like what I say, but....

Your spiritual beliefs are really messing up your life! You seem to let shame run your life. Not God. Not you. Shame is the basis for choices in your life that are keeping you unhappy and feeling hopeless.

But spiritual beliefs are what they are: Deeply held convictions.

In your case, I think a lot of your shame may stem from past sexual abuse and that your faith lets you feel less vulnerable. The problem is that is makes it impossible for others to understand where you're at.

Sex is a major way that a man knows his woman is into him. You're refusing to allow that and you're using your refusal to manipulate and punish him. If you think it's hard for YOU to sleep next to him without having sex, I can promise you it's absolute torture for him. He doesn't even share your beliefs and he's having to deny his God-given sexuality because you say so.

You say your SO has been a serial cheater. Ok, that's a fair reason to tell him to move on. He doesn't share your spiritual beliefs. That's another fair reason (and probably a wise one). But now he and your daughter will pay the price by being separated because of your shame. Wow. Just... WOW!
 

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If you're writing here to get your azz-kicked into some RIGHT-THINKING...then READ ON! If you don't want to get your feelings hurt, then STOP READING RIGHT NOW!

Girl, I'm gonna act like your big sister or your favorite aunt: GROW THE HELL UP!

You said this man has CHEATED ON EVERY SINGLE GIRLFRIEND IN HIS PAST, but he won't cheat on you....why? Because you're different? Yeah, you're not THAT different!

He wants to marry you, but you KNOW you're not in ANY position to marry ANYBODY. You need to clean up your OWN mess before you take on somebody else's messes (and, yes, he DOES have his own messes).

Spend your time being your baby's MAMA, not somebody's Baby-mama........big difference!

Get the LOCKS changed on your apartment so he CANNOT let himself in for late-night booty calls! Stop interacting with him UNLESS it DIRECTLY involves the baby. If he begins talking inappropriately on the phone, then say, "We're only discussing the baby, THEN I HAVE TO GO." If he texts anything that is NOT in regard to the baby, DELETE it unanswered! When he comes to pick the baby up, have EVERYTHING waiting at the front door, leave the door OPEN, get the baby, tell HER goodbye, close the door BEHIND him and MOVE ON with the day. If he calls you WHEN he has the baby, let it go to voicemail. You can LISTEN to the voicemail IMMEDIATELY after he leaves it. If it pertains to the baby's HEALTH/WELFARE, call him back IMMEDIATELY. If it doesn't, erase it.

Why would you give up a GOOD JOB (your baby is counting on you) because you work in the same BUILDING as your baby's father!?! Get and PRACTICE some self-control.

WHY are you not REQUIRING child support????? I don't CARE if his mother CHOOSES to watch your child for FREE everyday. That is HER perogative. YOU are establishing a BAD precedent for your child's father to believe he
  • gets to have unprotected sex with no consequence
  • have a child he does not have to support
  • gets free booty calls because you two 'get along'
Take your vagina/breasts/ovaries in hand, get control of yourself and your emotions, and BEGIN REQUIRING OF YOURSELF that you act like a mature, responsible adult who is in complete charge of some young child's life (not to mention your own.)

You will feel better about yourself and your life IN GENERAL when you have some self-respect for yourself and your choices.

Now, I'm sending you a big *hug*, offering you a tissue, giving you another *hug* and telling you to get your sh1t together for your beautiful daughter and yourself.

TODAY starts a new life.
2013 is a new year.
In six (6) months, you could feel a WHOLE LOT better about yourself and your choices if you start DEMANDING more of yourself and others. Look in the mirror EVERY morning and tell yourself, 'Today, I will do better for myself and [insert baby's name]!'

You will

Keep coming back to TAM to get your azz-kicked (if you can take it) and to make sure you're holding YOURSELF accountable for a better life!
 

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I know I allowed it because I wanted to, bottom line. But why, when I believe it to be wrong and I believe it to be harmful in getting my life back on track.
Have you forgiven yourself for your behavior right after your ExH left? Yes, you fell pretty far from the standard you had/have for yourself but sheesh, your H up and left when you thought you had a happy marriage - cut yourself some slack!

He turned your world upside-down from a loving husband one day to him up and leaving and wanting a divorce the next & left you probably with your head spinning and no closure.

Did you get involved with another man too soon? Yes, but understandable.

Should you have met your ExH to talk? No, but hindsight is 20/20 and your ego probably took a hit when he left so hearing he still had interest in you was probably very attractive...some sort of redemption. I do think you made the right call at this point to go no contact and let him go. He needs to make things right with his wife and child, and whether he does or not, he definitely cannot with you in the picture. Give yourself some credit for doing the right thing here :)
He answers “hey baby” and I don’t know why, but I have a melt down hearing him say that so I just hang up. He calls back several times and I can’t answer, don’t want him to know I’m crying. Don’t even know why I’m crying. I finally call him back and he says he’ll call me when he’s back in the car.
Thinking back now, do you know why you broke down when he said that? Do you think it might be that you are afraid you are making the wrong decision in asking him to leave? I do agree that you need to have boundaries in place for now, but I don't think you need to close the door for good on the idea of being with him if you do come to realize (once all the dust has cleared) that you love him. I am not sure why you both can't slow things down for a while and just be alone so you can sort out your feelings.
Will this ever end? As much as I love my job, love it's location, and know that this type of job is SCARCE, I think I should start looking ...
Why? You will need to see your child's father regardless, since you share custody. Running is the easy answer but figuring out how to work with what you have will be better for all of you in the long run. The worst time to make major decisions (moving, job changes, etc.) is when you are in the confused state you are in right now...do your best to not make any major decisions for a while...if you question what you are doing - put it in the context of whether it is a positive or negative thing for your daughter...that might help give you clarity.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Thanks again or all your replies.

Kathy, I'm sorry I have read your post 3 or 4 times but I honestly can't comprehend what you are saying. I'm going to try again after my head is clearer. The "sexual abuse" comment was really baffling, but anyway, I've never been sexually abused in the basest since of the word. Maybe you were talking about something else?

You said this man has CHEATED ON EVERY SINGLE GIRLFRIEND IN HIS PAST, but he won't cheat on you....why? Because you're different? Yeah, you're not THAT different!
Did I say that in another thread? I could have, but I sure don't remember. That's one of my chiefest concerns. Everything else you said, GettingWiser, is really really helpful, even though it did hurt my feelings. Hurt feelings from being called some terrible names in my original post (which I deleted, it was so bad) was what ultmately led to me to cut the contact with my XH, so it felt bad but it did some good. Thanks for the hugs though! They felt like real hugs!

SO does work in the same company with me, we're just located floors apart from each other. I guess I do just need to deal with it and control it. And control it.

The child support issue is I guess I really feel bad for separating him from our daughter, and knowing the big difference in a our salary. Plus he will have joint custody, so I guess theoretically we will both have to provide equally for her. If anything, he more because he will be providing the babysitting and she is on his health insurance. Isn't that how that works?

Swedish no, I have not forgiven myself for that whole fiasco with SO, XH and me. And I truly appreciate you saying what you did but I feel like the bottom line is look at all these people right here on TAM who get cheated on and still maintain their character, so it's no excuses for me either. But I really appreciate your willingness to "cut me some slack" anyway.

I really appreciate TAM anyway because sooner or later you get slapped upside the head enough you (meaning me) will listen and take heed. TAM deserve all the credit for me cutting XH loose by the verbal beatdown I was given. It really shook me up. SO, however, is proving to be harder to deal with. I don't think I can forget that he was the only one who was there for me at my lowests points through all of this (even when some of the low points involved him). When the fog from XH cleared, I appreciated him more and more.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
"Thinking back now, do you know why you broke down when he said that? Do you think it might be that you are afraid you are making the wrong decision in asking him to leave?"

Probably because I was again feeling disgusted with myself. I harrdly ever call or text him without reason. He is a serial phone and text ignorer to every body but me but I phone or text him less than anybody. (His family will call/text me and ask me to get him to answer) So for him to always answer my calls and with a term of affection at that - I guess I'm thinking like you said - this is what I won't be getting anymore.
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