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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I found out that my wife cheated on me 22 years ago then again 2 years later. Both times were one night stands while I was deployed in the Navy.

I just found all this out 4 days ago and am trying to cope. At the beginning of the week I had the ideal marriage but now I'm a mess. We were so good together my son would tell us we should counsel others about marriage. I don't want to throw this away and am trying to work things out.

She says these are the only two times she has cheated. I believe her because our marriage has been so great for the last 10 years and don't believe she would lie to me now. Her mother told me about the first incident which was the only one she knew about. My wife came clean about the second one immediately after I confronted her about the first.

One of my biggest problems is that the first incident casts doubt about if I am my son's biological father. I felt he had a right to know about this problem so my wife and I told him about it. My son and I both agree that we don't care if I am the biological father. I am the father that matters. We have decided not to do any testing to determine if I am the bio-dad. Now I don't know if this was the right decision. I can't bring it back up with him for fear of hurting him.

If anyone has dealt with a similar issue I'd like to know how you handled it. Sorry this was so long and thanks for any advice.
 

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Hard to believe the timing of her cheating was such that there would be doubt about your fatherhood. Yeah I know sometines deploys can be brief like for quals but typically one is away for extended periods?

So what exactly were these circmstances?

So why would her mother tell you now?
 

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Her mother told me about the first incident which was the only one she knew about.
This is a surprise :eek:

Her own mother told you about it? Why? I mean, it's not usual that the wife's own family (much less her mother) tell the husband about an affair she had. :scratchhead:

She says these are the only two times she has cheated. I believe her because our marriage has been so great for the last 10 years and don't believe she would lie to me now.
This may hurt, but she did lie to you for decades. What makes you think she would not lie to you now?

One of my biggest problems is that the first incident casts doubt about if I am my son's biological father. I felt he had a right to know about this problem so my wife and I told him about it. My son and I both agree that we don't care if I am the biological father. I am the father that matters. We have decided not to do any testing to determine if I am the bio-dad. Now I don't know if this was the right decision. I can't bring it back up with him for fear of hurting him.
Get tested. This doubt will eat you up all your life. If you're the bio dad then it will put your mind at ease. If you're not, then, well... You will not be much worse than you are now.

Do you want some help doing the math on the dates? Maybe we can spot something you didn't.
 

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" We have decided not to do any testing to determine if I am the bio-dad. Now I don't know if this was the right decision. I can't bring it back up with him for fear of hurting him."

I sounds like it is more out of fear of revealing that your wife cheated that you wish to remain silent .

If you are concerned about your son not being yours then I have no doubt your wife knows more about this than she is saying and by her silence has lied to you. While you may not see it now your wife does what many cheaters do, they remain silent and hope the problem will go away.

I suggest you both sit with your son , your wife explains that she had an affair and that he may not be your genetic son . Give him the choice of having a test . Not doing this may cause a huge problem in the future , perhaps he has children and one is sick , the doctors indicate that you as the grandfather can donate part of yourself to save the child and the truth is revealed. Or someone else knows including the possible father and he pitches up. Extreme examples I know , not dealing with the truth makes you complicate in the lie.

It's should not be a decision to tell you son, the decision is how?
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I must caution you that affairs can go so deep underground that when you as the BS think your marriage has been great it often is the case that she is deceiving you.

These words are not to sway your current thinking they are to warn you that those in affairs follow a script and your situation is not unique. I strongly suggest you find out everything about her OM's and find them . Do not convince yourself that your wife is being truthful, she has successfully lied to you for much of your marriage and the only reason you found out is her mother told you, that implies your wife is able to compartmentalise her affair and put on a great show to you.

Please do not let this pass by without thorough investigation and I would go so far as to suggest a polygraph to verify the truth.

I can assure you of one thing your wife will know if your son is yours or not , what you cannot accept is her words - verify them

Words and advice from cheaters to each other ; if caught , lie lie lie . We dont even have to make this up as they publicly post this advice to fellow cheaters.
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People usually keep dark secrets to themselves.
One Night Stands fall within that category. But sometimes a partner may feel confident enough in a relationship to clear their guilty conscience.
However,I cannot see the logic in her opening that paternity
" can of worms " based on her indiscretion many years ago.
Maybe i'm wrong ,but information is missing.
She is not saying something.
My suggestion is to talk with her again, establish a timeline,and listen carefully to what she is NOT saying.
 

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It happened to me twice with her son and daughter
I didn't find out until she served me the papers. The boy had graduated from college and his sister just finished this past spring.
Turs out they had different fathers and there might have been more, but she had her tubes tied. I don't really have any suggestions about
his finding his biological father and anything I did say would be of little value since their mother has no idea who the guys were.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Hard to believe the timing of her cheating was such that there would be doubt about your fatherhood. Yeah I know sometines deploys can be brief like for quals but typically one is away for extended periods?

So what exactly were these circmstances?

So why would her mother tell you now?
I was on a 3 month deployment. She must have had the affair shortly before I got back. When I got back she refused to have sex with me for about 2 weeks. At the time she said she didn't know if she wanted to stay married. Now she says it was because she was disgusted with herself. She says she had a period after the affair and before I got home. After about two weeks we began having sex again, then few weeks later she found out she was pregnant. The exact timing of all this is hard to determine because it was 22 years ago.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
This is a surprise :eek:

Her own mother told you about it? Why? I mean, it's not usual that the wife's own family (much less her mother) tell the husband about an affair she had. :scratchhead:
Her mother is really quite a bad person. We've had a falling out with her for reasons too numerous to list. My wife told her not to contact us ever again. The next day she left me a voice mail telling me about the affair. She said my wife hurt her so now she was done protecting her.

This may hurt, but she did lie to you for decades. What makes you think she would not lie to you now?
We were both bad spouses back then; but I never cheated. We were not happy but too stubborn to quit and we already had two other children at the time. We have both become Christians since then and I've seen the change in her. As I said, we truly had a wonderful marriage 5 days ago. So much so, that others including our children comment about it.

Get tested. This doubt will eat you up all your life. If you're the bio dad then it will put your mind at ease. If you're not, then, well... You will not be much worse than you are now.

Do you want some help doing the math on the dates? Maybe we can spot something you didn't.
My problem here is that I already told him it didn't matter to me. In the most important sense, it doesn't matter. I will love him the same regardless. I don't want him to get the impression that I would love him differently by wanting to find out. I really don't care; but as you said the doubt is eating me up.
 

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An observation, perhaps her mother is a "bad" person because she has been keeping your wife's lies safe and it has been eating her alive.

If you desire peace of mind and your son knows then ask for a sample to have a test, and stop taking the blame for your wife affair . I suspect as you think 22 years ago is a long time you can rug sweep this, hard experience tells us that time is of no consequence when you discover an affair and no healing will occur unless the truth is known. The suggestion for her to create a time line is a good one as the paternaty doubt from your wife does not stack up.

I furthermore suggest you get some individual counciling, it reads like the emotional rollercoaster ride is starting.
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My problem here is that I already told him it didn't matter to me. In the most important sense, it doesn't matter. I will love him the same regardless. I don't want him to get the impression that I would love him differently by wanting to find out. I really don't care; but as you said the doubt is eating me up.
You really sound like you're trying to convince yourself that it doesn't matter, but it does. Now, if I were to find out that my son wasn't mine after having raised him his whole life, it wouldn't matter to me either because I love him. But there are practical reasons for you to find out, such as blood & organ compatibility in case of an emergency or sickness.
 

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Her mother is really quite a bad person. We've had a falling out with her for reasons too numerous to list. My wife told her not to contact us ever again. The next day she left me a voice mail telling me about the affair. She said my wife hurt her so now she was done protecting her.


We were both bad spouses back then; but I never cheated. We were not happy but too stubborn to quit and we already had two other children at the time. We have both become Christians since then and I've seen the change in her. As I said, we truly had a wonderful marriage 5 days ago. So much so, that others including our children comment about it.



My problem here is that I already told him it didn't matter to me. In the most important sense, it doesn't matter. I will love him the same regardless. I don't want him to get the impression that I would love him differently by wanting to find out. I really don't care; but as you said the doubt is eating me up.


Your MIL may have been the enabler for the A, she may have always wanted to tell you may be she may have realized you as a good person deserve truth, and unburdened her guilt when she got an opportunity.

Your wonderful marriage was built on lies and deceit for 22 yrs. If you are not the father then definitely she know that and she hide this fact from you for 22yrs. Paternity fraud.

Dont make your life a living hell by not knowing the truth. Truth is the only thing which can relive you from this pain.
 

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I found out that my wife cheated on me 22 years ago then again 2 years later. Both times were one night stands while I was deployed in the Navy.
You wouldn't have found out if your MIL didn't expose your WW, and she would have taken this secret to the grave. So for 22 years, your marriage has been a lie. The problem is, you don't know if this was the extent of her cheating. If there is one thing cheaters ALWAYS do, is minimize the extent of their cheating. This is called Trickle Truth. I believe there is a helluva lot more that she hasn't admitted to yet.

 

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It happened to me twice with her son and daughter
I didn't find out until she served me the papers. The boy had graduated from college and his sister just finished this past spring.
Turs out they had different fathers and there might have been more, but she had her tubes tied. I don't really have any suggestions about
his finding his biological father and anything I did say would be of little value since their mother has no idea who the guys were.
Wow. So she denied you a biological child. Yes I know we can love all children BUT, she had children by other men and then did not have one with you. That would hurt me as bad as anything frankly.
 

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While possible is it really likely she would have a ONS close to whe her husband was coming back from a deployemnt? These deployments are typically not a matter of days but months. So if she did have sex just prior to him coming back I would say the odds are favorable that this was not a ONS but something more of an affair. Also if she did have a ONS tice while he was deployed for very short durations why would she not do this when he was deployed for longer periods? I think she is minimizing. And does her mom really know? Maybe her mom found evidence and the wife minimized it to her.

Also what are the odds that children came of one or both of these events? She was not on birth control? They did not use a condom? Amazing. Yes all possible. Just less likely than other possibilities.

Again why would her mother speak up now. I suppose since the children are grown she may be ready for the marriage to die and decided to kill it.

Who were these guys?
 

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I must caution you that affairs can go so deep underground that when you as the BS think your marriage has been great it often is the case that she is deceiving you.

These words are not to sway your current thinking they are to warn you that those in affairs follow a script and your situation is not unique. I strongly suggest you find out everything about her OM's and find them . Do not convince yourself that your wife is being truthful, she has successfully lied to you for much of your marriage and the only reason you found out is her mother told you, that implies your wife is able to compartmentalise her affair and put on a great show to you.

Please do not let this pass by without thorough investigation and I would go so far as to suggest a polygraph to verify the truth.

I can assure you of one thing your wife will know if your son is yours or not , what you cannot accept is her words - verify them

Words and advice from cheaters to each other ; if caught , lie lie lie . We dont even have to make this up as they publicly post this advice to fellow cheaters.
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:iagree::iagree::iagree: This
 

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Wow. So she denied you a biological child. Yes I know we can love all children BUT, she had children by other men and then did not have one with you. That would hurt me as bad as anything frankly.
It's past the "hurting stage". At least that is what I keep telling myself. But, how do I justify coming to these boards when all I can add is my experience in failing?
The kids seemed to get over it and both are on their way to productive lives just as long as they don't allow their mother to drag them back into her cesspool.
 

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Chances are good that you may not be the only one haunted by the uncertainty of your son's paternity. Your wife and son may also be experiencing episodes of anxiety with regards to this issue. It's important that you talk with both of them and ask if the paternity issue is something that is on their minds as well and that if they are both willing, that you are open to paternity testing to put to rest once and for all, the uncertainty. Better for all parties to know the truth than be forever haunted. The truth doesn't hurt but the lies and deception do, even when they are self inflicted.
 

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Do not bury the truth. Do not minimize the truth. Go and find out all the truth you can.

If you dont, you will destroy yourself mentally, slowly but surely. The lack of information and ignorance will make you a bitter old man. You should not be looking forward to this.

Your mother-in-law (MIL) kept this secret and look at the damage done between her and your family. Your wife is constantly fighting with her mother. Do your kids have a good relationship with their grandmother?

Do not be afraid to face reality head on. The truth will set you free. You always have an informed choice to reconcile or divorce after you find out the truth.
 
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